Well I am going through my first real break up and it is just starting to hurt. We were dating for almost 2 years and it ended on pretty confusing terms (at least for me). She said I was stressing her out because of my parents divorce and her always worrying about me (seems weird because my parents dont majorly affect MY life) She felt like we didn't have fun anymore, which is true because my family just sold our house and are supposed to be moving out in 2 weeks to seperate houses and all our money is going to debt and housing. (I still live with my parents) I said things would get better and she said I was living in a "la la land" and didnt believe me and claimed I wasnt an advocate for myself and didnt ask my family enough questions regarding the divorce and living situation. It really sucks because it feels like it wasnt completely over me and it was over situations I couldnt control. So I am at the point where it just became FB official and I'm starting to feel the hurt and constant thoughts of her and wanting to talk to her (I haven't yet and plan not to.)

Sorry for the rant but getting it out helps, I'm asking what are the proper ways to handle a break up and keep it open for potentially getting back together down the road? I'm feeling a huge urge to talk to her and beg but I'm NOT talking to her AT ALL and trying to get back into game and more girls but it's hard right now. Any other insight into situations like this would be huge and hearing others experience would be good as well.

Thanks for the reply. I dont really have problems with anger and have never truly gotten in an angry fight with her. I've never lied to her and try not to blame others or other situations but it feels like the break up is tied to my situation and her not being able to cope with my life and involvement in hers. I admit I am not at my best and that is due to my situation and point in life right now. I believe a break is good right now and hope after all is done we can work stuff out but right now is not good. Im just looking for advice to cope and make the best of the situation. She said some shit that was pretty rough so I'm not to torn up, just need to get back out there...

Don't worry, you'll make it through. Breakups are hard, but they will make you stronger in the long run. In the short run, I feel that these small actions can help you through the tough times:

1) Listen to music constantly: pick out songs that describe how you feel at the moment, and keep them playing wherever you go. It keeps you from thinking too much, and helps pass the time.

2) Have a glass of scotch at around 7pm: I recommend Johnny Walker Black. Drink it neat (without adding anything). This will help you sleep. Realize that the night time is the toughest during a breakup. In the morning, everything that you worry has less significance.

3) Be around your buddies / family: Try not to talk about the breakup, but just listen to your buddy's stories. They may be having a tough time with other problems, and you may be able to help them. If your parents are having a hard time, go out with them to Starbucks (like you would with your friends), listen to their thoughts, and nothing else. By helping others, you ironically help yourself.

4) Pick up the book, Awaken the Giant, by Anthony Robbins

5) Realize that the pain is temporary, and with time, it will fade and you'll find that the breakup is the best thing that could have happen to you.

In the long-run:
1) Figure out to improve your situation
2) Create 1-year goals: What do you want to accomplish by next year?
3) Expand your social circle.

Hope this helps,
-Z

Thanks a lot Zane, that is exactly what I was looking for. And the scotch thing is something I do already haha. I appreciate your insight and I'm sure it will help.

shes always talking about me liking sum other girls...i dont try convince her that its not true...i just ignore it...i mean we all know what happens when you try to convince a girl logically..LOL!no pun intended...you cant talk your way out of situations like that...

calling and texting have bin like were avoiding an arguement..its not as natural flowing as it once was...

now she tells me..im not the one anymore, and i should go and date other girls...coz i like them etc..all that crap..ohhh godd...

i keep telling myself...i was happy before her, happy with her, and will be happy without her....but the thing is i want her, and i dont know how to say it without pushing her back..so im just gonna break off all contact for about a week..its gonna suck but yea...

i cant be with sum1 who doesnt wanna be with me...you cant force sum1 to love you...im sure these things have crossed your thoughts..and its crap to feel like that...but we just gotta accept that life is gonna give you every possible emotion there is..from feeling like your forever in love to feeling like the world died around u...i love knowing im alive and all..lol..but it fuking sucks...

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"oh just fuck them already"

I would freeze her out for a month MINIMUM. Delete her facebook/msn/myspace etc.

Get back to what you were doing before your were stuck in a relationship. Go out with the boys, drink, pickup, go to the racetrack, beach etc etc. Get your hobbies back.

You have it easy, atleast you dont have to work with your ex everyday haha

ahh makeveli, I'm thinking I'm in about the same stage you are somewhat. I feel like I want to write her a letter or something to try and get her back, but I know logically that is the opposite of what I should do. Haha it really is a shitty time and sometimes there is nothing I can do to stop thinking of her, especially right at bed time and times when I'd tell her about something that happened. Truly a rough stretch to say the least...

hang in there dlayer, it gets easier or so I keep telling myself. I find that the inconsistency is one of the hardest things. It’s like one minute you can be working out and think, screw her I am over it! Then the next morning it hurts really bad. Been just over a week for me now of no contact and I’m hoping it starts to get easier.

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~Carmo~

Personally, I think it's totally natural to entertain the idea of getting back together with someone after a breakup--but usually this is just a last-ditch psychological effort at refusing to believe things are really over.

The longer you go without her, the more this will subside and the more you'll gradually realize that you guys aren't together anymore. I'm not saying it's impossible to get back together--it happens all the time--but I think it's healthier to accept the situation and not hinge your hopes on that possibility.

if it helps, remember that all 'love' is, is the word that humans give to the good and happy feeling we get caused by an increase in oxytoxin in our brain

oxytoxin is produced after all skin2skin contact eg massage, hugs, sex and orgasms; even increased eye contact will increase love hormones.

A close, loving relationship increases the production of this brain chemical and because newly single people start producing less oxytocin than those in intimate relationships this causes them to feel less happy. Basically you are in oxytoxin withdrawal. Your body is screaming for the drug you need to make you feel happy again.

(oxytoxin is also produced by mothers with new babies for bonding and even is what makes soldiers risk their own lives to save the lives of their buddies - its very powerful stuff)

The good thing is that any positive experience can increase oxytocin levels – and so can simply recalling positive events, but choose only to think of positive events other than those with this girl. Even petting a dog, cat or rabbit can increase oxytoxin levels.

The other good way of getting more happy hormones in you is exercise. exercise is excellent for increasing serotonin levels. Because serotonin is also raised after spending time with family/close friends, eg girlfriends you may also be a bit down on your serotonins too right now. Serotonin increases lifts your mood generally countering any feelings of depression or sadness. A long walk, run or workout will strongly raise your serotonin levels. Get your ipod on and listen to some upbeat music. This will also help get rid of any stress from your day and be a bit like meditation.

Sorry if this sounds boring but whilst there is a strong temptation to have a drink to help you relax/sleep, (been there done that(, it can be counter productive if you start to rely on it. Alcohol is a depressant after all and it makes you put weight on. You want to be at your physical best for your next gf , not developing a beer belly. Alcohol also stimulates the release of the stress hormone adrenaline and interferes with the amino acid tryptophan which is used to manufacture serotonin. Exercise is a better way to get you to sleep and relieve your stress levels make you feel all round better about yourself and make you look more gorgeous.

Re nothing you can do to stop thinking about her....you can train yourself to replace thoughts of her with thoughts of something else. I think someone mentioned a 1 year plan. Create a new goal and a new focus. anything not girl related. Something acheivable. make a plan, work towards it. If you think about her at night still, get out of bed, do some situps or press ups, or if all fails read a really good book

finally read this article: http://www.livescience.com/health/08050 ... eakup.html, abut a study which proves it wont be as bad or take as long as you think, and that the more positive mentally you are about your ability to recover, the easier it will be for you to do so

_________________
James: "Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say."
Helen: "Always look on the bright side of life"?
James: No, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

yea just chill with your friends, go out and have fun. Don't drink too much just socially or just to get you happy, and do it with people like friends around not alone, a lonely drinker is a bad drinker. Reading books could help and I would choose music to hype me up, some metal and such not r&b because you would just think back on times. I remember my first breakup, about 2 weeks later it didn't hurt and the next month everything was a blur lol and i laugh about it today. I'm going through another breakup process right now, but its not official yet because we been on and off and truthfully its not as hard as before.


The key thing is to believe and make it true that you don't need her, she needs you and you will realize you can spend your time making yourself and future better, and when you do that many girls will realize that and you will have a handful, no a WHOLE WORLD to choose from.

Thanks for all the great help. Lots of solid information. I really appreciate it!

I too am having a tough time and am quite stressed about it and could do with some advice.

I broke up with my girl about a month ago now. I know why, I was basically acting like a total dick. I was having a real stressfull time at work and a bit of a life crisis and as a reaction i was behaving like a total arogant ass, i was rude to her friends and people she worked with, i was completely out of charactor. I guess I have that problem of just bottling up how i feel and then letting it out in a negative way.

The worst thing about it is that I really loved this girl and she did me. And I turned her against me basically by acting like a total ass.

She was a kind sweet and caring person and we never would argue, if im honest i would love to have her back but i guess that i blew my chance there.

I guess im just looking to for advice on how to deal with it. Things are really good with work and life now, but it just feels there is something missing and its where she used to be.

Well, as far as my sitch goes in relation to yours we both have regret and for me that's the main thing that keeps me hinged on what isn't anymore. I really, really have to try not to think of her, it gets especially hard when she starts talking to me.When she does talk to me, I keep it short and sweet and show no signs of the breakup holding me back.

What I'd say is really try and meet new people, not even limited to girls. Just get back into the scene and always keep yourself occupied, this has definitely been mentioned but that's because it helps. Hang out with your single guy friends, go out on the town and just relax.

It's definitely a difficult time, almost like quitting a drug. Just keep yourself from relapsing and things will get better.