In my past relationship I was very insecure and because of this I basically tried to change my girlfriend. I am now trying to get myself together and I try to have a healthy sense of self-worth. I am doing a lot of introspection and self-evaluating after the break-up and I am showing some good progress along the way. I even laughed out loud when I realized what I had turn into when the years passed.

I am trying to love myself. Accepting who and what I am and trying to be better. I need to put myself as number one and truly believe that I am the best guy in the world; not letting others define who I am.

But how do I reset my boundaries? How far do I need to take the genuine ‘no care’ attitude? Should I not care whatever she does? What is acceptable behavior and what is not?

A few examples;

‘Sweetie, can I go camping with a male friend I became friends with during our relationship? We are -going to pitch a tent somewhere in the woods’
Sure why not? I trust you!
‘Sweetie, I can’t get home and need to stay over with a male friend. We need to share a bed though, is that ok with you?’
-Sure… I trust you!
‘Sweetie, can I make love to him?’
-Sure! But when you do, take your crap with you and f*ck off.

I think that if I give her too much space, that she will eventually think; ‘He doesn’t really care what I do’ and that, in a way, she will walk all over me and that she is going to take it as far as possible.

I don’t really understand what reasonable boundaries are without being controlling or insecure.

Sometimes my girl would hug different guys and give them a kiss on the cheek, I shouldn't be bothered by this? Is this insecurity or a healthy boundary?

Sometimes she would get drunk, I would tell her that I dislike behavior like that. Is this me being controlling?

I have no clue what is acceptable.

Decide on what you think is a good boundary. Personally, anything you wouldn't do to a friend (tongue kiss, arse grope, fuck) is off the table. but things you've said (going camping with male friends etc) should be ok in a healthy relationship.

remember, it's not the rules that will keep your girlfriend from fucking another guy. it's you being worthy of her staying monogomous.

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If you want to know how to be successful with women, learn to obediance train your dog...

Hahaha... I loved your little dialogue there - not a bad way to go about it IMO

Ok the way I see it - the key is INTENTION. It doesn't matter WHAT she does, it's WHY. But the more intimate the behaviour, the harder it is to find a WHY, but it still could be there. Anyway;

No I know heaps of girls who hug and kiss their male friends, on the lips. I'm one of their male friends. And they have boyfriends. It's rarer for someone to be that affectionate to kiss on the lips, but if you know her intention - that's just her way - then you don't have a problem with it.

Here's one example - I was dating a girl who was a smoker. I HATE smoking. I hate what it does to people and I hate what the passive smoke does to me. But I never brought it up directly. However, I didn't put up with smoke in my face either, I tried to sit the side of her that the smoke wasn't going, and we actually made a joke about how it kept following me. But through this she could see that I didn't like the smoke. This is not unreasonable. I think the line would be crossed if she said something that suggested she loved it, and to hell with anyone who had a problem with it - then I would start indirectly directing conversation to give my opinion on the issue without being confrontational. But what actually happened is one day she said she just has to quit smoking, and she's going to do it - at that moment I re-enforced it by saying Good! I'm so glad to hear that. You'll feel better, etc.

Her intentions were to quit smoking, and that made me willing to put up with it for a bit longer. If she had no intention of quitting, then we have a problem - but there is a very gradual sliding scale of approaching the issue without being confrontational and agressive. At the worst you should be blatant, and willing to put the relationship on the line - "it just won't work between us if..." and not "You better change yourself"

I hated that little dialogue..

Please, for your own good.. dont say something if you dont meant it!..

What you feel are good boundries in a relationship, are the RIGHT bounderies for the relationship. Just remember to set your bounderies in a secure mindset and confident selfasteem.

Set the boundries that you want to have. If something makes you feel uncomfortable - you gotta let her now.. Just make sure you are not uncomfortable because you are insecure..

Exampel:

My girlfriend used to, at times at school, be up on the shoulders of some of the guy friends. I knew these friends, noobs, im cool with it, cause there is nothing into it.
But i saw that the guys made her sit up on their shoulders so freakin often, that i had to draw the line. I told her, listen, its alright you do it, there is nothing to it - and i dont mind. But these guys are using you as a toy, and just take turns to get you on their shoulder.. i will not tolerate that.. you cannot be treated like that..

See this? This was for her own good. And so, she stopped it.

Now the other day she bought a really short skirt. DAmn was she sexy in it. I told her " now you can wear it when you go out"
And she said "you dont mind me wearing it without you being there?"
I told her "No of course not, i want you to dress good even when im not around"

If she said she wanted to sleep in a tent with a guy i would say fuck no.. Cause would she allow me to sleep in a tent with a chick? Lol
The GF should have no more, not less the boundries that she would impose on you. So if you say "Sureeee i trust you" IS so lame cause
1) You dont like it deep inside
2) You lie and dont respect your own bounderies
3) Every girl needs to know that she is on a dog collar at times.

your issue not hers. it's pretty Beta to date someone who has aspects to them that you absolutely hate, and pretty controlling to expect them to change those aspects.

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If you want to know how to be successful with women, learn to obediance train your dog...

Missed the point entirely. There was nothing "controlling" or beta about my behaviour. I'll attempt to put things more plainly;


Dumping everything and running at the first sign of trouble, is wussy behaviour - unequivocally.

PUA mentality seems to breed "dump her as soon as there's a problem." Do you think this behaviour is gonna work when you're married? This is not good for your own personal development, or cultivating a worthwhile relationship.

Just like this guy, I started dating her, THEN subsequently found out she had a behaviour I didn't like.

My point was, I made it clear I didn't like it - but not aggressively. You won't get a point across with a girl by being aggressive, ever. She took the hint, and confessed she already decided to make the change and is finally going to do it. Because of her intention, I let the relationship continue knowing that she may quit very soon, and because I enjoyed the rest of the relationship - we had a lot in common, she's fucking awesome in bed - tolerating having her go outside and smoke was not a big deal in the short term.

It is beta, you compromised your personal values by being with a smoker.

It is beta to "laugh" about the smoke following you while you HATE passive smoke.

Alpha behaviour would either involve NOT dating a smoker (because you know there are other, non-smoking women out there you could date), OR being specific about YOUR needs. i.e. do NOT smoke near enough for the smoke to drift to me...

where did i say "run as soon as there's a problem?"

a problem, and an incompatibility are two different things. a "problem" is something like her feeling neglected because all your attention has been diverted by unexpected circumstances. it comes up through uncontrolable circumstances (or as an unforseen result of other actions)

her smoking wasn't a "problem". quite frankly it was a part of her you didn't like... no different to her being religious or overweight.

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If you want to know how to be successful with women, learn to obediance train your dog...

Being alpha is being true to yourself - we've gone off topic here but I don't mind elaborating my situation to make a point; in the past I've ignored girls who smoked, but at that point I'd taken an attitude to engage in any and every opportunity that presents itself, to learn as much as possible. So to make it clear - it was a choice, part of my life plan. And guess what? I learned something, as I described above. You learn things by going through tough situations.