Hi guys,

My boyfriend called me last night and lay everything on the line. What he told me explains a LOT about the way he has been acting towards me. First off, you have to all understand that my boyfriend DOES not ask for help EVER. He keeps things inside and they eat away at him.

In my previous post, I asked you guys why it could be that everytime I asked him to come to a party or social event with me and my friends or family, he declined. I have now found the reason why. He told me last night he feels inadequate.

He told me he feels like when he does come out with me, my friends and family don't take him seriously and he feels like I would have a better time if he wasn't there. He feels that I am better without him. At first, I thought this was him trying to break up with me but then realised he just doesn't feel like he is good enough for me anymore. And this breaks my heart.

When we first got together, he was receiving a LOT of female attention and was going out a lot. He was extremely confident and right at the top of his game. He picked me up so easily!

Now, he told me he no longer feels sexy or confident and he thinks he is too skinny because he doesn't get time to go to the gym.

I think this has been an underlying issue for a while but he has tried to keep it hidden from me. I could tell something was up but didn't want to push it too far and have arguments with him.

At the moment, I feel like I am on top of my game - I have a great job, I am really fit from going to the gym and personal trainer classes and I have a lot of friends and happy family life. And I have a boyfriend who I adore. I think he sees that I am confident in who I am and happy with my life and he feels like he can't match up and that I deserve better.

We had a long talk last night about everything. I told him I think it has much to do with the fact that when he was younger, he probably believed he would be in a different place at his age and because he isn't there, he is feeling like he has failed his younger self. He hasn't failed - he has a good job, he has friends and loving parents and he has me. I also think a main part of the problem is the people he lives with - neither of the people he lives with are on the same level as him intellectually, so he feels he is dumbing himself down when he talks to them - they are also both so superficial and they don't know the real side of him either - they only know him at surface value. They are both in their 40's (older than my boy) stuck in shit dead end jobs which they hate but can't find the motivation to leave - they have no career ambition. They are both single with no prospects of relationships. Basically, they are living the university lifestyle (share accomodation and always partying) but they are not at university and they are too old to be playing at this. It is really sad and it seems it is getting my boy down.

So anyway, there is some background and I am at a loss as to what to do. No matter what I say to him, it doesn't matter, because he knows how much I love him and he knows I wouldn't be with him anymore if I didn't want to be or didn't see a future between us. It needs to come from inside himself but is there anything at all I can do to help him out??

Any advice or opinions on this situation are welcome!

Thanks guys

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....Thought you might like a girl's opinion....

Well, I can tell you one thing for certain: He needs to stay as far away from those chumps as possible. Moods and behaviors bleed into other people, and if he spends to much time with them, he will unconsciously adapt their behaviors. Misery loves company and all that.

So he needs to interact with others that ARE on his level, and closer to his age/maturity. This should break the pattern you are seeing in about 2 weeks to a month time of consistent outtings.

Also, you should make it clear that you want him there because YOU want him there, and the opinions of others don't matter or hold weight when it comes to him(you should also indicate you respect their ideas, but you are your own person) and you want to share the good times with him.

If he hasn't been physically active I would find something you could do together. Exercise has been proven to have a mood boosting effect.

Outside of that, he should also focus on media that makes him happy; such as comedies, music that is mood enhancing, tv shows, ect. He should also go out of his way to ignore the news- a constant reminder of how shitty everything is.

The only other thing is to be happy and perky yourself, if you aren't already. If you are, then don't change anything and make it a goal to see him smile or have a good time (*without him knowing its a goal)

Hope this helps.

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"Once you have achieved perfection, you have achieved failure." - Me

Thank you so much for your reply, deviated rationality!!
I totally agree with you here. He realises this too and was telling me that maybe he will just go to his house to sleep. As in, he will not even hang out watch tv or whatever at his place. But that seems unfair seeing as he is paying the same amount as they are to live in a comfortable home. However, it is not a comfortable home for him. We even talked about him going back to live with his dad. His dad is on the same level as he is and obviously knows him better than anyone else could possibly. His dad is an incredibly smart man and my boyfriend's mind is constantly challenged when he speaks to his dad. The main problem he has with this is that he thinks other people will look down on him for being over 25 and still living with his dad.
Again I totally agree with you here. He does have some friends who are on his level and he has me and I am not going to abandon him. He just doesn't seem to want to go out lately.
This is great too! He thinks that my friends and family don't take him seriously but in actual fact, they adore him! I went to a family function (without him) the other night and all of my relatives were asking me where he was and why wasn't he there? I had to say that he wasn't well as an excuse. I had another couple of relatives tell me how personable and what a great guy he is. I told him all this and he seemed happy but then changed the subject. It's like at the moment, he can't even handle compliments. And, when he is getting changed or something, I will look at him and realise just how sexy he is and how attracted I am to him. But when I tell him this, he just kind of brushes it off. It's so demoralizing that he can't even take a truthful compliment from me!
I have asked him to come for runs with me and do some boxing together. He has come a couple of times and we even did a fun run together but when I suggested it the other day, he told me he isn't fit enough at the moment and he thinks I would be too fast for him to keep up. He complains that the gym is too expensive and takes up too much time getting there and back, but going for a run is free and you can do it from your front door. He comes back saying that it's too cold and rainy at the moment. It's so frustrating!!
That's awesome - he loves going to stand up comedy gigs, so I will try and find some good ones to take him to. He also loves music, so I am going to find some new music which he will like. Thanks for that suggestion!!
I am trying to be happy and perky always and have managed to get a few laughs out of him. I will just keep this positive energy up in the hope it will rub off on him.

Thank you so much for all your help!!!

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....Thought you might like a girl's opinion....

Who cares? The only thing that should matter in his life is the opinion of those closest to him, and they will all understand why he is doing what he is doing. It won't look bad on him at all, especially if his "Reason" (not excuse, use the word reason) is because he is "helping his dad out during some rough times."

Make sure its music that is energetic, but not angry or emo. This is imperative. I used to hate hip hop and rap, in favor of Industrial and Metal. I realized that I was usually much happier/energetic mood though when I listened to cRap music and now have grown to appreciate *some* of it. If its heavy metal or something with a depressing tone to it, skip it.

Not a problem. I would consider also that he could be *legitimately* depressed, but not in a way that is commonly known. Ask him if he usually gets like this around this time of the year, every year. You said cold and wet so Im guessing you live in the Southern Hemisphere. If it is a yearly thing, he could have Seasonal Affective Disorder, which comes and goes throughout the year.

Ask him also if he can remember when exactly (within about 2-4 weeks generally) he started to feel like this. I suffer from Dysthamia, a form of depression that basically is extremely long term and consistent, but not really a depression that you would associate with the definition of depression. Its more or less like you have no motivation or emotion, you are on autopilot.

If it IS either of those, both are extremely easy to treat and don't require drugs like prozac or zoloft.

If its just a temporary thing then let it pass. Either way I wish you luck!

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"Once you have achieved perfection, you have achieved failure." - Me

Thanks so much guys - you have helped heaps!

I am going to look into those disorders and see what I can do to help him.

Thanks again!!

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....Thought you might like a girl's opinion....

I just want to say how lucky he is to have such a nice GF like you.. That when your BF feels weak, you dont ignore him.. you try all you can to help him.. ..

This also prooves my point that it's alright to feel weak in a relationship at times, you dont have to pretend to be some alpha guy all the time if you are not.. because you will never really get happy with lying to yourself - but share your problems with your GF and she might be the one who can get you out of the shit you are in!


thumbs up

Thanks Bimm3r. I am trying but it's getting more and more difficult to continue trying to be so upbeat around him when I tell him a story I know would usually make him laugh and all I get is silence in return. Or I pay him a compliment (which I truly believe) and all I get is denial of it or silence. This is driving me crazy but thank you your support and kind words keep me going

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....Thought you might like a girl's opinion....

Get him the fuck out of that house. It's not worth what it's doing to his life or your wonderful relationship.

Hey .

Perhaps he is going through a depression. If so, you cannot be the only one to help him, perhaps he needs to talk to a psycologist. Nothing fancy, just try to find out what makes him sad - and help him get past it..

sounds like depression to me. get him to a Dr.

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If you want to know how to be successful with women, learn to obediance train your dog...

...

are u the BF?

Haha I hope not...
I have been trying to get him to go to a doctor but he is too proud. I told him he needs to let everything out and I know there are things in his past which he doesn't want to speak to any of his friends about or to me about. I have toild him a doctor will not judge him and will not tell his secrets to anyone else. I have told him the doctor is a proffessional and it is his job to listen. I have told him I desperately want to help him but I don't know enough about that stuff to do so. He told me not to care about him. I told him I can't do that. He said he feels guilty when people care. I told him everything he does affects me. His mood swings affect me and I know he doesn't want to hurt me but he is. I told him that I am not going to abandon him. I told him I am worried about him. Someone very close to me comitted suicide not long ago. All because he believed he was all alone in the world and was in an incredibly dark place. I told my boyfriend I don't want this to happen to him. He told me it never would and he thinks suicide is the most selfish thing in the world and the loser's way out. I told him this is exactly what my friend (who killed himself) always used to say but he obviously was so down and out that he saw no other way out. I DO NOT want this to happen to my boy. I am just at a loss. He thinks the best thing to do is ignore it and avoid the issue but I think this is the worst thing he can do. Becasue even if we try and ignore it, it comes back. We will be having a normal conversation and then all of a sudden, he will go silent or get really snappy with me. It kills me because it hurts me even though I know it's not me.

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....Thought you might like a girl's opinion....

Well, someone's gotta do something.

Maybe show him a video of someone who's life is shit, smack him back into reality.

Here, try this;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QbgOGnbxDo

Hey guys,

Appreciate all the responses. I thought things were getting better but they are actually getting worse. He is becoming really agressive towards me - yelling at me over stupid things and there is just such an intense anger about him which scares me. I have never seen this side of him and he is not a violent person but this agression has just come out of nowhere.

Everytime I try and suggest he needs to see a doctor, he yells at me telling me he doesn't trust them and I told him "ok if you go and see a doctor and they tell you there is nothing wrong with you, then I will leave you alone and stop pestering you about it." He told me "of course they will find something wrong with me - they only want money and I don't trust them".

We went out to a club the other night with my friends - it was his choice to come along, no-one forced him to (and I was meant to stay at his house that night). After 5 minutes of being in the club, he said goodbye to my friend and then turned to me and told me he was leaving - no goodbye, no kiss. He walked off and left me there in the club. I didn't hear from him all of that night or all the next day. When I finally called him to ask what was going on, he was really agressive towards me and "didn't give a fuck" that he had embarrassed me in front of my friends and ruined my night. When he calmed down, he started telling me how bad he felt and how it was all his fault and how he wanted to make it up to my friends and how I was so beautiful and everything.

I just can't handle these pyscho mood swings and I seriously want to help him but he won't help himself. I love him but he won't let me love him. He tells me I deserve better than him so I don't understand if I deserve better, then why is he treating me like his punching bag?

I know if my friends were in a similar situation, I would tell them to leave and save themselves but it's not as easy when I am actually involved with him and love and care about him. The worst bit is he keeps me coming back by turning straight back into the guy I fell in love with. But lately, there have been more bad times than good. But when we do have good times, they are AMAZING. I'm just so depressed because the bad times keep coming back and I hate how pessimistic I'm being but when we are having good times, I am just wondering how long it will last until I'm the punching bag again.

My friends want me to give him an ultimatum - "see a doctor or lose me" but I just don't know if I could follow through with that.

I need help. He needs help. Our relationship needs help. And it seems to be easier to write all this down here because none of you actually know who I am or who he is so you don't have any pre-conceived ideas and won't be biased towards either me or him like I know my friends (who are trying to help I know) are biased towards me of course.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it?? Please don't tell me to just leave him. We have been together for a long time and this is the guy I could see myself spending forever with.

Thank you.

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....Thought you might like a girl's opinion....