| I don't know if this post will be allowed, as I'm planning a series of posts within this thread, in a diary type format, whereby I chronicle my thoughts on 'inner game', as it's being labelled these days.
I won't give a massive back-story, but as a short summary, I've been learning game for around a year now. I've had some incredible successes in my time, yet even today have some epic failures - moments of extreme low self-esteem, huge approach anxiety etc etc... This is really strange, as at times I can have little approach anxiety, massive confidence, and great success in field. However, I'm putting my failures, and slumps in confidence down to inner game (or more widely - self confidence).
The expression 'competence=confidence' is consistently true in my experience. If game is competence, then the aim, the desired result, is confidence. Confidence is the be all and end all. Sure, you can be too confidence, and your confidence can need refining. However, for the majority of guys on here, they are already nice, humble, kind etc... they just need a way to express it. Most of the negative features of confidence come from the cocky, or the ignorance, which thankfully seem to largely avoid these forums.
Anyway.... without further ado, I will begin my thoughts on inner game. Take from these what you will, and I will always appreciate your feedback:
LESSON 1: It is not all about you!
It seems that many people are of the opinion that your day to day experiences are entirely down to you. After all, this seems to be a major premise of game. If a social situation goes negatively, then you are encouraged to believe that it is your fault, you are encouraged to rectify it. If you fail to pick up a girl, then you are automatically doing something wrong. If someone does not like you, then it is your fault.
I used to buy into this philosophy, until I realized that it was damaging my self-image. If my self-esteem rests on what other people think of me, then it's not really self-esteem, there is nothing 'self' about it, it's entirely defined by outsiders. This may sound like a very cliche 'love your self' mindset, yet I view it more as a happy medium. I see bitter, disillusioned people who blame the world around them for their own short-comings, their own minor failures in life. They can never hold themselves accountable, and as a result hate the world around them. Equally, as I've already outlined, you should not entirely blame yourself.
What I prefer to see is the 'bigger picture'. This is most easily defined as 'group perception'. Before I explain this in general terms, let me give you a specific example:
Today I was feeling kind of bummed out after a certain social circle made me feel uncomfortable and unconfident. They aren't friends by any means, but merely a group that I occasionally encounter. However, as the human mind promotes it's cruel limitations, rather than view this negative experience as an inconsequential part of my wider life, I let this uncomfortable feeling consume me for the majority of the day. I forgot about all the great aspects of my life, and was obsessed with this damaging experience. This is an example of how a lack of inner-game can overwhelm all of the progress you've made.
The uncomfortable group was comprised of three people, and thinking about it, only one of them was making me feel really uncomfortable. I naturally assumed that as part of his group (they all work together) the other two shared his values, and his feelings against me. Thus from this one person acting uncomfortably towards me I deduced:
1. All 3 people by their connection to the main guy felt the same way
2. They felt this way because I was doing something wrong, acting in the wrong way.
This may sound like a massive jump, but I'm honestly not a hugely unconfident guy. I have great friends, and as I mentioned various successes with beautiful women. However, I can still think in these ridiculous, illogical terms.
As a result, I began to act uncomfortably and awkwardly in front of the entire group, not just the main guy making me feel uncomfortable. As I found myself acting in this way, I felt like I was regressing back to my early teenage years, and this only frustrated me more.
Eventually, despite me acting so awkwardly, I had a couple of good chats with the two people in the group who were being fine with me. This instantly gave me a rush of confidence, and had my acting more like my usual self.
Later that night, I talked with my dad. He knew the group far better than I did, and informed me that the 'uncomfortable guy' was actually a total idiot, and had extreme confidence issues himself. He said that the other two in the group were actually very nice people (which looking back I could really see for myself). Suddenly everything made sense. It wasn't me! This guy acted like an idiot to everyone... The other two apparently didn't even like him, and nor did many other people, yet I'd assumed that because they all worked together they were all good friends.
My point is, that everyone has hidden lives that you won't always know about. If people act strangely towards you maybe they're an idiot, maybe they're having a bad day, maybe there is some freak other reason you could never imagine. The whole point is that IT ISN'T ALWAYS DOWN TO YOU. Sometimes it's better to take things on face value and not make assumptions. If someone seems off, you should have enough self-confidence to assume that they shouldn't be treating you in that way. Just because people are in the same social circle (be in work or friends) you can't assume that they accept that kind of behavior. Learn to rely on your own judgements and opinions rather than constantly deconstructing yourself into a series of self-detrimenting minor details that will ultimately own serve to undermine your own self-esteem. Guess what? You're not the only one who has issues. Most people can feel awkward, uncomfortable or unconfident. You're not the only one who feels awkward in social interactions, so IT'S NOT ALWAYS YOU.
What do you guys think? I'd love to hear your views.
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CHAT