| Jealousy is a serious issue Prince if not dealt with and resolved in a relationship it could even lead to physical harm. I was in a relationship where I was extremely jealous of my ex gf and it got real dangerous for both of us. Let’s look at what is going on when you are jealous and how you can handle it.
Jealousy is angry agitated worry- coping with the threat that our partner might find someone else more appealing fearing that she will reject us. Jealousy can motivate us to give up on the relationship—so that we don’t get hurt any more. If you are feeling jealous, it’s important to ask yourself what you hope to gain by your jealousy. Try viewing jealousy as a coping strategy.
Similar to worry, jealousy focuses only on the negative. With my past relationship I interpreted my gf’s behaviour as reflecting a loss of interest in me or a growing interest in someone else: “She is on her phone because I am boring”. Like other forms of worry, jealousy leads us to take things personally and to mind-read negative emotions in other people: “She’s getting dressed up to attract other guys”.
Jealousy can be an adaptive emotion.
People have different reasons for being jealous. Your jealousy could be a mechanism to defend your interests. After all, our ancestors who drove off competitors were more likely to have their genes survive. Indeed, intruding males (whether among lions or humans) have been known to kill off the infants or children of the displaced male. Jealousy was a way in which vital interests could be defended.
Countering the perception of jealousy as sign of low self esteem and insecurity and telling yourself that “I never acted needy and played being confident” and “I’m attractive, have a nice body, great style, no reason to feel this way”- will not work. In fact, jealousy—in some cases—may reflect high self-esteem:
Jealousy may reflect your higher values
View jealousy as a much more complicated emotion. In fact, jealousy may actually reflect your higher values of commitment, monogamy, love, honesty, and sincerity (these are alpha traits not AFC!). You may feel jealous because you want a monogamous relationship “she tells me how much she likes me, shes been cheated on a few times before and would never do it”-and you fear that you will lose what is valuable to you. Validate these values!
You wrote that you don’t act needy, this is good - any loving relationship with mutuality is based on freedom. But it is also based on choices that two free people make. If your partner freely chooses to go off with someone else, then you have good reasons to feel jealous. You don’t own each other, but you may make affirmations about your commitment to one another.
But if your higher values are based on honesty, commitment and monogamy, your jealousy may jeopardize the relationship. I can see that your indifference produces a trade off- you don’t want to give up on your higher values---but you don’t want to feel overwhelmed by your jealousy.
Jealous feelings are different from jealous behaviours
It’s important to realise that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardised if you develop jealous behaviour---such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking, and acting-out.
Right now it is a feeling inside you. But you have a choice of whether you act on it.
What choice will be in your interest?
Accept and observe your jealous thoughts and feelings
When you notice that you are feeling jealous, take a moment, be cool and observe your thoughts and feelings. Recognize that jealous thoughts are not the same thing as a REALITY. You may think that your partner is interested in someone else, but that doesn’t mean that she really is. Thinking and reality are different.
You don’t have to obey your jealous feelings and thoughts.
“she is a model and very pretty and goes to parties and events and always has guys calling her/hitting on her and hangs out with guys and clubs a lot” Notice that your jealous feelings may increase while you stand back and observe these experiences. Accept that you can have an emotion—and allow it to be. You may find mindfully standing back and observing that a feeling is there can often lead to the feeling weakening on its own.
Recognize that uncertainty is part of every relationship
Like many worries, jealousy seeks certainty. Ironically, some people will even precipitate a crisis in order to get the certainty.
But uncertainty is part of life and we have to learn how to accept it. Uncertainty is one of those limitations that we can’t really do anything about. You can never know for sure that your partner won’t reject you. But if you accuse, demand and punish, you might create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Examine your assumptions about relationships
Your jealousy may be fueled by unrealistic ideas about relationships. These may include beliefs that past relationships (that your gf had) are a threat to your relationship. Or you may believe that “My gf should never be attracted to anyone else”. You may also believe that your emotions (of jealousy and anxiety) are a “sign” that there is a problem. This is the - emotional reasoning—and it is often a very bad way to make decisions.
Or you may have problematic beliefs about how to feel more secure. For example, you may believe that you can force your partner to love you—or force her to lose interest in someone else. You may believe that freezing out will send a message to your partner---and lead her to try to get closer to you. But freezing out may lead your partner to lose interest.
Sometimes your assumptions about relationships are affected by your childhood experiences or past intimate relationships. If like me- your parents had a difficult divorce, you may be more prone to believe that his may happen to you. Or you may have been betrayed in a recent relationship and you now think that your current relationship will be a replay of this.
You may also believe that you have little to offer—who would want to be with you? If your jealousy is based on this belief, then you might examine the evidence for and against this idea. For example, a friend of mine thought she had little to offer. But when I asked her what she would want in an ideal partner---intelligence, warmth, emotional closeness, creativity, fun, lots of interests---she realized that she was describing herself! If she were so undesirable, then why would she see herself as an ideal partner?
Use effective relationship skills
You don’t have to rely on jealousy and jealous behaviour to make your relationship more secure. You can use more effective behaviour. This includes becoming more rewarding to each other--- “catch your partner doing something positive”. Praise each other, plan positive experiences with each other, and try to refrain from criticism, sarcasm, labeling, and contempt. Learn how to share responsibility in solving problems---use “mutual problem solving skills”.
Jealousy seldom makes relationships more secure. Practicing effective relationship behaviours is often a much better alternative
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you can fake it till you make it, but if it feels REAL go with the flow!
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CHAT