Hi guys, been having some intense relationship and personal turmoil and would appreciate any advice. To be honest, I think it is all pretty much beyond advice but I need to get this off my chest - apologies.

Basically I've been seeing this girl since January this year after meeting her through a mutual friend before Christmas. We hit it off really well, she was probably considered by most to be slightly out of my league (celebrity exes, rich guys etc..) but we did share a connection and started to have so much fun together. We never really set out to get into a relationship as such, but it just kind of progressed. We would spend weekends together, talking nonsense, going to random clubs, all nighters etc...She was really open with me and I think we developed our levels of comfort to a really high degree. To be honest she told me too much stuff really, past relationships, sexual encounters etc..She respected me because I didn't let it bother me (much - or at least show it, we all have a past..). Anyway so that is a bit of brief background now here is the problem.

The Tuesday we had last met had gone so well - amazing night. I then went away with work and then had to swing by my parents home. For some reason I wasn't feeling great when I went home, I'm not sure why. I've noticed an intense pattern in my relationships that I get an anxiety build up when I like someone and they like me, that I will mess it up - and then I self fulfill that prophecy. Things at home didn't go great either, I had a huge argument with my parents over my mums illness and that they had been lying to me. This is something I don't really like to talk about and I never really mentioned it to the gf. On the Sunday I was heading back and she asked if I could come over and stay the night ( our nights together were limited anyway as she was working a second job in the evenings at some high end club/restaurant). She had been on an all nighter the previous night so was probably feeling fragile. Meanwhile I had drank a bottle of wine and was feeling really ill at ease, especially after leaving my parents in such a bad fashion. Recipe for disaster.

Had what I thought was a discussion about religion, I took the p*** but really thought it was all taking in good humour as I wasn't meaning what I was saying as in my head it was similar to our usual banter. Then I think she mistook essentially me saying that she liked people with money, basically I misjudged the banter catastrophically and she was really sensitive to it due to previous night antics. Anyway I thought later that night she was being off with me but could not work out why. I then took this to mean she wanted some space so I didn't bother texting her the next day as I knew she was working that night. Tuesday we had arranged to go out but I cancelled as I didn't think she was that keen when she text me that she was intensely tired and knew she had been working all hours with her evening work etc…She was then quite short with me so I thought def needs space. Text her Wednesday and she said that she thought she could avoid giving me earache as it may have been accenuated by a comedown but that she was still quite offended by what had happened Sunday. When I spoke to her on the phone I realised how bad some of the things I said could be taken but I don't think she believed me. Essentially she said lets not make plans to meet, shes just unsure about things...Now until she had said all this I really hadn't realised how offensive some of my comments could have been construed. I have a really bad character trait/flaw where I bottle up emotion and then act like a dick which is completely incongruent to my usual laid back self that it jars with people. I don't mean what I say but I can be cutting with it. Feel like sh** when I write this. I didn't really explain why I had been feeling terrible, didn't mention my mum or anything as I didn't want to make excuses.

So I gave her space but thought I needed to do something (AFC), didn't want to be needy but she was hurt. Plus was also unhappy that I hadn't text her on Monday and then cancelled Tuesday. Tried to explain why however. So I sent a card, something personal and very humorous to me and her, no apologising in it just tried to be fun but also explain that sometimes I am a idiot, thats me. She got back to me and said really funny etc and most random card ever, I crack her up..text slightly back and forth joking about stuff on the card. Text ever so slightly Saturday but she was drunk, jokey light, random text like old days. Sunday she text me in the morning but then went cold. So I text her today which she go back to but is freezing me out again. Tuesday I left it. I've pretty much accepted that's it certainly over but I need closure as I am struggling to deal with this alongside family and work pressure. So yesterday I text me should meet for a drink/chat. She text back she can't as she is working, going out Thursday and then working Friday - that she was happy it was her last day at work. But that she needs to talk and do I wanna meet next week? I was obviously pretty annoyed by this as she obviously doesn't respect me enough to change plans Thursday evening or to even meet this weekend. I text back that Monday works for me and she agreed. So I'm now decided that Monday is break up day. However last night she text saying that she isn't going out Thursday and that she can meet then instead of Monday. I can't do this now as I had to go home to sort things out with my family. I explained this and she asked me what was going on and do I need to talk. I was in two minds whether to say yes or not as I didn't want to pile guilt on her and make it look like I'm using it as an excuse for my behaviour or make her feel guilty for finishing it. In the end I agreed though as I really had to get some of it off my chest, I've been a mess with it and am taking a couple of days of work due to it. So I spoke to her, explained about my mum being sicker then I thought, that my parents had lied to me about it and that I was arguing with them really quite badly on the Sunday I had been home. Neither of us mentioned our relationship during this as I didn't want to involve the two and would prefer to speak to her face to face on Monday about it all. So we finished the conversation after a short while and she sent a text saying that I had done the hard part etc, not to worry and that she would she me when I'm back. I just said thanks for listening and she just sent a few more trying to comfort and to try and enjoy the weekend. She then text me saying that she's got the job she interviewed for and that she's so happy etc etc..I just wished congratulations. Thing is I just want this done with. I really like her and regret massively the stuff I said but I'm certain its over.

Is there a good way to go about it when we meet on Monday to talk? I was just going to go in with the mindset of its over, agree with her, I do actually respect her for her decision. From our conversation she accused me of not respecting her, and I think it is quite a sore point for her in hindsight as she is really good looking but bright as well. I think she's quite insecure about this and I never realised until I pushed the button. She did say that she doesn't feel like she can be open and random with me again because now after the things I said she thinks I'm judging her. If that's the case I feel awful about it, truly awful.

Really sorry for this rant, stream of consciousness..I really had to get this off my chest.

From the looks of it, I think your situation is not as bad as you think it is.

Just focus on the presence and keep making things fun and interesting for her.

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