Evaluation (I)
5/19/2010
3:30PM
This thread jolted me into a bit of a shock moment:
what-would-you-do-if-a-girl-did-this-to ... highlight=
Love. When you trap yourself into feelings for another girl.
I had fallen victim to love. A girl I once bonded with (And she trusted me) ... was basically doing her thing, and talking to friends.
...the tragedy began when, after BRIEF, DIRECT analysis of a past moment, a certain quality of my own behavior became apparent:
-Thinking-
I was thinking about her and me being together.
I was thinking about having wild nights of hot sex with her.
I was thinking about making her my #2 by my side; she had her being, and my being, and together, we would be unstoppable.
...I got mad when she talked to other guys. I thought she didn't like me. I THOUGHT she was being slutty to make me jealous.
Yet, before I ended up on my killer spiral, she would ALWAYS come back to me. ALWAYS. She would stop by, touch my shoulder, ask me how I was doing, and stand near me, and smile.
She would help me with my job, and always smiled. She showed me pictures of her niece and nephew, talked to me about her goals and dreams, shared her past with me, and always asked "When are we going out for wings!!!
"
I was able to build on those moments, but back then, I wasn't AWARE of "NOW".
I was merely using my skillsets as a typical AFC frame; I was incongruently congruent. It's as if God was helping me the whole way.
But, then, thoughts set in. Emotions came crashing through. I was livid. I started getting angry. She thought it was work, and worked 2x as hard for me. Soon enough, it wasn't work. I started acting weird around her. I treated her differently.
"She's cheating on you"
"She doesn't like you. Look at her talking to other guys. Jerk"
"You're a punk bitch. You're worth nothing"
IRRELEVANT, FALSE, mostly LOGICALLY oriented thoughts permeated my brain, simply because I...thought.
THINKING...ruined me.
Thinking...led me to emotionally abuse this girl beyond human norms. I berated her, yelled at her, insulted her and her work ethic, and literally, for lack of a better metaphor, "emotionally...threw her around like a rag doll and smashed her against a wall"
And she gave me HUNDREDS of chances to make up for it, but when you're in CRITICAL THOUGHT, questioning everything, not even infinite chances can bring you back.
All I had to do was NOT THINK, and just DO.
All I had to do was live in the moment. I was in heaven there. HEAVEN.
...my own brain sent me to HELL.
She became quiet for a while, and then finally told me (After I THOUGHT of an apology to say to her for the 7th time)
"I don't like you. Start acting like a man"... (I'm a bit emotional right now, but I'm shaking out of it. Right now, I'm good. Gotta stick to the moment, and right now, I'm going to state things as they are)
"I don't like you. Stop acting like a child. I do not want to talk to you".
THINKING led me to blurt out, in anger, that she and our sales lead were "Princess and Prince" who got special SPAM.
THINKING...destroyed me MAN! I'm crying a bit right now.
I shot love down to shit....no, MY BRAIN shot things down to shit. LOGIC destroyed love.
She looks at me with adoring eyes. Most times, she smiles, faintly. When she talks to me, she feels very uncomfortable, and is afraid to speak to me, but talks to me about work things. As of now, I listen, do them, and say "I will do it", but to a point where I hold my head up...I maximize my moments. I stay in them.
As of now, I'm torn. Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn, and she's given me the full 7 layers of hell's worth.
Yet, at moments where I THOUGHT...I was almost driven to suicide.
At moments where I LIVED NOW, IN THE MOMENT, I was blissful. I found inner sunshine.
...The brain is merely a tool, it is not the being. The brain is superb for calculations, numbers, tactics, and skills. It is USELESS for everything else.
The MOMENT is all that matters. The BRAIN cannot conduce matters of the HEART.
As of now, I am where I am. In terms of this girl, after a while, I've grown to just accept the moment, and do my small moves to change her mood, one step at a time. One pebble at a time.
She still looks at me, smiles at me when she talks to others, and occasionally helps me out on certain areas.
...I fluctuate between fear and NOW.
I don't want to lose her. But, for a different reason.
I don't need her to live, but as of now, there is still a ray of hope. A slight ray, but it's there.
...I want to clutch that ray, and heal this problem. I want me and her to be friends again. I want to see her happy man. I want to see her smile; to look forward to life; to enjoy work. I'm tearing right now man.
And now, back in the moment, I'm alright. I can control my emotions, and my brain. I am resetting myself.
Guys, please help me here.
I see the ray of light. It is possible. I can move on, no problemo...but I want to save this situation. I want her to like me again. I want to be the prince that saves her from the villain of the legend.
Share your views. Can you relate? Have you been here? How do I change her mood? What mistakes and advantages am I not aware of that can be used to capitalize my situation?
Please help. Thank you.
CHAT