After much reading and copy-pasting and fiddling around with other people's profile ideas and my own ideas, I wrote this baby up a couple of days ago... and I'm looking for some serious critiques. I don't take online dating seriously because I mainly want to get better in real life, but I do think it's a good educational process when I sit down and think "oh this would work" or "oh this wouldn't work".

My profile is found at: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/mmmdavie

First of all, do you guys think it's too long?
Second of all, I've been trying various openers since I finalized it, and no one seems to reply. Maybe my openers are just bad?
I've gotten a few messages from girls saying my profile is interesting/fun/cute w/e and I suppose that's a good sign, but I'd prefer a well-trained eye

Thanks!

fat girls, chicks with children do not pass Go and do not collect $200.

i would lose that part IMO just seems rather shallow and i dont think chicks would dig that but then again i could be wrong
overall i liked it
it was entertaining witty humorous

I would drop the fat girl/kids thing as well, or at least say it nicer.

This profile looks good, but you do have this heavily dickish vibe about you. If this is your actual personality and how you want to be represented, then keep it the way it is. If you're actually not a dick, then I'd say you should use more of your actual personality.

_________________
-Fortune favors the bold-

you sound way too smart for normal girls to like you. get back on earth

Yeah, I'll most likely remove that, it seems a bit dicky, and I'm a pretty chil guy so it's not particularly congruent with my personality (although I don't think I'd LTR a girl with a kid or that I'm not attracted to).
What do you mean exactly, any suggestions?