I need some help and I will try to keep this short cause reading a life story is a pain. But please help, this is driving me nuts. By reading online I have gotten some clarity on how to handle the situation but nothing that really seems fitting or likely to work. I got out of a really bad relationship about 6 month ago, but luckily I found someone new quickly. I forgot all about this old girl and really enjoyed spending time with the new girl. One night she told me that she liked me a lot and wanted to know how I felt, I told her the same and eventually the night ending with us kissing. One problem, she has a boyfriend. I was willing to deal with it and wait for bad stuff to happen (hopefully) but frankly the guy is just pissing me off now for the fun of it. He is forbidding her to meet with me unless he is around because he knows that she likes me. It also annoys me that she brings him up a lot when she knows I like her.

I apologize but explaining their background might take a while. They have been dating for a little over 2 years. They were saving themselves for each other but he ended up cheating on her first. She forgave him under the assumption “people can change”. Months later he told her he wanted to marry her and gave her an expensive promise ring. She is refusing to marry him just yet. He continually runs around with other girls (but apparently doesn’t cheat anymore according to him) this annoys her. Often he won’t respond to her when she calls or texts, and lies about where he is at. This stuff doesn’t happen all the time but she has noticed an increase with those issues and arguments in the last few months. Basically he is really jealous when she hangs around other guys (she attributes this to the fact that he is insecure that he will never find another girl like her, I have tried to play this angle on him being insecure but she said she likes it because he treats her like she is amazing). When they have sex he is into S&M which she doesn’t like but does for it for him (she said that she is sure if she didn’t have sex with him that he would leave her). She has said that she doesn’t actually enjoy sleeping with him, but she does love him and wants to marry him eventually. He also wants to have kids but she doesn’t he is convinced that he can change her mind on the issue and he told her that he isn’t sure he wants to live close to her when he is done with college (but I am sure that he will).

Online I have read to either wait it out, or encourage a break up saying she deserves someone better or trying to tell her I would be a bad boyfriend, why she would never want to date me, and ignore her a lot, or try to stick up for the boyfriend by saying things like “he is just insecure about things” in order to make him less of a suitable mate, while trying to prove that I don’t have those bad qualities. I have tried the last a little, but she really seems to stick up for him and say “well I don’t think he is like that and things got a lot better”. I have also been trying to make myself seem unavailable sometimes and bring up when I am out with other girls. But none of this seems to be working. I am at loss for what to do.

dude just move on before this love triangle gets any worse this is fucking emotional time bomb trust me its going to explode you dont need this shit and its only going to end bad

trust me when i tell you that you mean very little to this girl and well her boyfriend well she will follow him to hell and back even though he is a complete dick to her he is running her emotions to extemely high levels

Yeah, what Mr M says.

It seems like she is using you to get back at him mate.


just say to yourself

"Next!"

scamps

I would play a different approach to the boyfriend. I'm not sure what others think about this but I've had sucess using this tactic before.

Don't actively approach the topic of her boyfriend, but if she instigates a convo about him then act as if he is a really 'nice' guy.

Basically the idea is to appear non reactive to her boyfriend, neaturalising any jealousy game she's trying to play on you and showing that you don't find him a threat. This is showing Alpha male qualities in itself... He's just her 'nice' boyfriend but you are her exciting secret lover.

Using words like 'Nice' and 'Sweet' convey to her that you arn't threatened, because if you were you'd surely be insulting him, but also you're putting the seed in her head that infact he's quite boring and bland.

Any thoughts?

You're getting too attached to one girl which is never good and you're thinking about her boyfriend and their relationship way too much when you shouldn't be thinking about their relationship at all. Who cares if they are dating and want kids and blah blah blah if you like this girl try and pick her up but don't spend anymore time on her then you would with any girl and if you can't get her then move on.

I am trying to stay detached by telling her I am too busy to talk and often mentioning times when I am out with other people and girls. She told me all these negative things I have listed here right after she admitted that she liked me. The reason I have listed them is because I am having trouble when she brings him up, I don’t know how to lessen his value. For instance when she mentioned him being jealous about us hanging out I said something like "I understand, he just really appreciates you because he knows he can’t get anyone better. He is worried because he is frustrated and panicked you will leave him. It isn’t his fault” (supposedly this makes him seem less attractive in her eyes) but she just agreed and said that it wasn’t a bad thing because it made him treat her better. I don’t know if she honestly believes that or just said it. I don’t know how to make these things lessen his value in a way that will hit home. I guess I really need help with making him sound boring and pathetic when she brings him up and talks about their future.

if you really want this girl which i would strongly advice against its a waiting game patience and the BF isnt a complete AFC either so you aint going to be able to tool him as easy as the average AFC guys IMO labeling him as a nice guy and how he is sweat aint going to work here why because its blatantly fucking obivious he's not so i would just drop trying label him as a boring nice guy your getting nowere with this

guarnteed all her girlfriends are like your boyfriends an asshole you need to leave him the guys a dick etc etc this is what her friends are telling her she knows he aint a nice guy she has a bad boy and she knows this her friends are reinforcing this by attempting to logical convince her

but we all know this wont work why because women are emotional creatures and her BF is giving her one hell of an emotional rollercoster ride thats why she's with him

this guys is running her jelously emotions high as he's out with other women all the time this also triggers her fear of lose emotions she fears he's cheating she's constantly wondering were he is and what he's doing he never answers her calls or texts these are all powerfull emotions and he has them running high in her

but also he tells her he loves her he wants to marry her he makes her feel loved so now shes feeling love another powerfull emotion she also feel validated

when she's with him she feels a variery of different emotions he is like a drug to her this is why most women in abusive relationships stick around they get addicted

in away he is basically using really effective push pull

think of this is an investment tug of war and he's winning he's 92% to your 8%
she's highly invested in him and slightly invested in you

ffs she even wants to marry this guy in her eye's this is her future husband

what i would do is stop acting her boyfriend your not your a bit on the side fuck buddy act like it and start treat her like an FB

go out have other woman in your life mirror her boyfriends behavior to an extent dont always jump when she asks dont always text her back right away now the reason i say do this to an extent is because her boyfriend gets away with alot more because of how high her invesment levels are you wont get away with anywere as near as much as he does you need to mirror her investment levels in you which is low

when your with her and she brings him up cut the thread you dont care about him he is not a threat to you your the superior man and if in the end you cant get her walk away

i hope you think twice about this and ask yourself is this really worth it ? this girl is nothing but hassle and she's using you for validation when she aint getting it off her boyfriend and if she's cheating on her current boyfriend what do you think she will be doing to you when you get her ?

I want to thank everyone for their advice, I really appreciate it.