First let me say this, my current relationship with my gf is good. We sleep in the same bed 6 days a week. We have sex 2-3 times a day and we get along great as far as I can tell. I dont believe she has been with another guy, since we have been official because I just occupy too much of her time. We spend almost everynight together and we have good sex, which she often initiates. However, perhaps, becuase my own paranioa perhaps, I regularly check up on her communication with other guys, texts, emails etc. SHe is very flirty and she drinks quite a bit but mostly socially - like wine glasses here and there.

So although my gf does not know this, I know the password to unlock her cellphone. I searched the cellphone and she had been communicating with someone she had a short sexual relationship/stint with just before meeting and dating me (she alleges). I did this because my intuition told me she was trying to kind of hide who she was texting when we had a little fight.

The first set of texts went something like this. (Btw, I was with her at the time at a restaurant).

Him:"What up to sexy?"
Her: "Out for dinner with boyfriend [me]"

There were few more texts that werent very incriminating. Then, after she left my place around 9pm to go to work..

Her: "What are up to?"
Him: "Working"
Her: "When you are done work, you should come visit my work. Im working until 4 am" [My gf works at a bar that is open to 4am. In fairness to her, she does invite friends to work all the time, to bring in business as she is also a manager]
Him: Working until later

Around 11:30 pm a little later into the night. She sends more texts.

Her: Hey. Are u coming or what?
Her: A great band is playing
Her: Are you ignoring me

Him: No. Done work. Im coming where are you, home?
Her: No at work.
Him: Where
Her: [Clearly angry] F***k. My work. [Puts in location] You have been here before.
Him: Hey are u mad at me?
Him: I just want to treat you good. Give you a massage and take care of you. I just want to make you feel good. I cant stop thinking about u. [this rant continues but I can remember all the details]

She doesnt respond to these. She comes back to my place around 4:30am. We have sex. I check her texts after she falls asleep and it reveals the above. I get it in my head that she couldve blown him off when he showed up at her work. I dunno. But I decide if she continues to communicate with this guy, I should dump her. She doesnt appear to care that this guy is totally disrespecting our relationship. And is clearly hitting on her, trying to re-charge their sexual relationship.

The next day I am out with her and notice again, she's recieving texts from this guy. She is responding to this guy, while sitting across from me while we eat. She doesnt know I can see his name popping up on her phone. She seems a little distressed when she is texting and I ask her: "Everything ok?". I was hoping she would be honest and tell me about this guy. She doesnt. She tells me a lie - that one of her other friends' dad died and that is why she is texting. This is baloney, I know, because I can see this guys name pop-up everytime she texts. Later in the night, I search her phone and this is what i find.

Him: What u up to
Her: Out with my boyfriend, watching the game
Him: Cool. When he's done f**king you for 20 seconds and passes out. Call me and ill pick u up.
Her: LOL. Hes not drinking, I am.
Him: He better treat you like the beautiful queen that you are because you deserve the best of the best. And he better f**k you good.
Her: He's fine. Treats me fine. Goodnight [His name]
Her: Hope your girlfriend f**ks u good too. Ur one hell of a person as well.
Him: We dont f**k
Her: Why?
Him: I cant get you out of my mind. I keep remembering that night when you walked through my bathroom, naked. It was a short time we had together but it was so good. Best sex I ever had. Im picturing you and I cant get it out of my head.
Her: Well, dont dwell on the past. Thats the past. Move on.

Let me say this. While maybe others would say I am naive, I dont think my gf is cheating. This is not my particular concern. We spend too much time together and our relationship is very sexual. I would find it hard to believe, she would be having sex on the side with this guy. She couldnt have the energy. For instance, these days in question we had very intense sex 3-4 times each day and she sent me plenty of "I love u" texts etc. throughout. Her interest level and attachment to the relationship is too high right now.

My concerns are this: Why does she keep a relationship with this guy going, when she knows he doesnt respect our relationship or me. Is he a back-up? A guy she flirts with to keep her self-esteem high? Thoughts. I also didnt like coarseness of these texts she was sending back and forth with this guy. It sounded raunchy and very sexuallycharged. It also suggests, she might keeping this guy around the corner in case, we dont work out or whatever.

She also lied to me about texting someone else (A friend whose Dad died).

So, in short, is this a dealbreaker? Is this girl too risky for LTR? Should I just leave her? I think lying is a red-flag. In addition, I dont want a girl who would maintain a relationship (friendship or whatever) with an ex-lover or guy she slept with and talks to her like he is gaming and dissing me.

Guys, I need your advice. If you dont think, i should dump her. What do I do? I obviously cant reveal that i saw the texts etc. Bringing it up just puts me in the jealous boyfriend box anyways.

Hobbit. I accept your suggestion. I have a paranoia and am likely acting insecure perhaps becuase Ive been cheated on before but also becuase her behavior is a little different than other girls I have dated (I dont feel like getting into speciifc becuase it is too hard to explain).

Anyways, THanks for your honest opinion. Ironically, this eased my anxiety

Yea hobbit basically nailed this on the head as usually but I'll throw in my 2.
He who searches will always find.

She is saying I have a boyfriend, back off.
What more do you want?

You should trust her bro. You are feeding your own paranoia. If she cheats, you WILL find out and you will have to dump her. That's it. There is no reason at all to spend your brain power worrying, it just is what it is. Get used to it. Girl cheats? Shes done. VERRRRY simple.
I don't think so at all. Sex is great. Girl is interested. I don't think this a dealbreaker at all I think you are projected your insecurity.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

_________________
Ahead of my time, like I live my whole life backwards.

tbh she seems pretty solid to me
- I mean she did tell him to MOVE ON, which is a pretty strong indication that you're still #1.

- i think you really need to improve ur inner game a bit - that paranoia can't be good for the relationship...learn to trust her more

Thanks for the help guys.

casthenova - yeah. I agree with your logic. Her declaring boyfriend, everytime he intiates discussion is her saying back-off. Id be more concerned if she didnt say this becuase it would be an easy deception to keep him hopeful. I should trust

Hobbit- thanks. Im already cutting Step 1 out. The truth is I really dont have much to worry about as our relationship is going good now. I think Step 3 is a must. im going to do that

First of all - relax. She is not cheating.

I tend to agree with the others regarding the inner-game portion. Especially if you've been cheated on before, that results in a lot of issues for you. You need to get that handled.

Also - you checking her texts is... kind of insane man. There is really no justification for doing that.

BUT - now that you've done so let me play devil's advocate. If there is one thing I've come to realize it's that you need to trust your gut instinct. A big part of the reason why you're posting to this thread is because your gut is telling you one thing, and your brain is trying to rationalize against it. I can tell you right now that no matter how much proof there is that your relationship is happy, you are not going to start trusting her by convincing yourself that there is no problem.

There IS a problem.

A girl keeping in touch with an ex (especially a sexual one), inviting him to meet up with her, even so much as responding to his texts is seriously fucked up. Why is she doing this? She loves you but is still talking to him. Why?

You already know why.

She's keeping him around as a confidence boost. Maybe he's insurance - like a safety net if things don't work out between the two of you. Maybe she wants to be with you but still craves the feeling of being chased. Keyword is Maybe.

You CAN take comfort in the fact that he's acting like a complete chode - saying that he can't stop thinking about her etc. That conveys he's a desperate little bitch and that is a total turn-off for a girl (after all she's fucking you and you never have to initiate it). BUT - it's still flattering for her to hear.

The thing is man if the relationship were completely happy and healthy, trust would be natural. It would not be an issue. You would not even be posting to this forum. While I totally agree with the others on working on your inner game, you feeling jealous is BAD and isn't going to just go away. If there's one thing I've learned it's that jealousy is NOT an irrational fear. And your gf should be completely sensitive to the fact that you've been cheated on before and that she is being a fucking idiot for staying in touch with this other guy.

All this being said - it seems to me that there may be a communication barrier here. Does she know that you've been cheated on before? Does she know that what she's doing could potentially upset you? Why does she need to lie about this guy? Is she lying because she thinks you'll overreact? WILL you overreact?

AND WHY IS SHE STILL TEXTING THIS GUY? Look at it from HER perspective. Is SHE insecure? Does she think that YOU might cheat on her? Is she MATURE enough to be in a LTR and give up on the desire to be chased by other men? There is no need to keep texting ex's if you're completely happy in a monogamous relationship.

I can tell you one thing though, getting jealous and angry is a very bad approach. You will fuck things up if you lose your temper.

Lots to think about for you. For me, if I'm feeling jealous, I would generally put the relationship on pause for a week, shift to neutral, gather my thoughts and rally myself. If the girl makes it very clear that the distance is painful for her and I (somehow) discover that she stopped texting her ex, then it is probably worth it to get back into it. Otherwise if the jealousy persists - I'd cut loose. Frankly, I don't need to be in an environment where I can't trust the person I care for most.

Also @casthenova who said "He who searches will always find." A simply brilliant thought I must say. But also consider this - "Ignorance is bliss."

Bf's don't usually go around searching their gf's text messages. Something motivated our friend here to begin searching in the first place.

My $0.02

Q.

You are not crazy just because you are jealous.

When she agreed to physically meet with that guy that was a big bad no no. It sounds like he didn't show up. What if he had shown up ? Maybe he did show up ? She didn't make it to your place till 4:30 ?

Way too much uncertainty my friend. I know its true that if you say you spied on her and get mad it will fuck things up. Well, I would like to suggest that things are already fucked up. In my personal opinion, I would risk killing the relationship and confront her. You want a relationship where you don't have knots in your stomach. She may or may not be cheating on you, but she is doing sneaky shit that I don't think is worth putting up with.

Confront her. If she leaves you, then she leaves you. Get another one.

Bravo BrianTampa. I agree with this. Don't be in something where you feel all fucked up and twisted in your gut.

Q.