Another Q... (see previous qs for history)
- So we've been going out for 2 months (last friday), but these last 2 weeks have been pretty hard for BOTH of us...
- She's had half yearly exams, and her rents are really strict, so she hasnt been been able to go out/ talk much. We've only managed to talk like once on the phone these whole two weeks
- I'm just not sure if she still likes me now or what... - i'm picking up a few BAD signs and i'm not sure what's going on...Here's the signs that i've seen - BUT that may just be me being a tad paranoid ?
1. hardly any communication (but i blame this on her exams?)
2. Would rather hang out with a group of friends (with me inclusive) than with me by myself... - when i talked to her on the phone the other day i was like, After ur last exam on tuesday lets go ice skating (since she loves iceskating) and she was like, sounds good...but ice skating is better in groups!
3. Doesnt seem to put as much effort into the relationship as me ?
4. Hardly ever calls me first - i'm usually calling her...

HOWEVER - she did send me a few txts saying she missed me and stuff which i took as a plus...

Anyway - if she IS losing interest, how can i regain the attraction/her interest ? I think i've become too nice on her...how can i break out of this trend ?

Thanks!

jonobono8888

i think you are worrying ... maybe worrying about losing this relationship, but that will happen if you keep worrying about it.
for me this is reason enough....

just assume she isn't losing interest .. and you got nothing to lose , you don't die when she leaves you ( or you maybe dump her ). maybe she isn't ready for a relationship and if she isn't ready she isn't ready.

1. stop worrying
2. assume she isn't losing interest
3. stop building your universe around her, please run your own life as much as you can
4. love her as much as she loves you , invest as much as she does

no need to drain yourself for a relationship which isn't worth it after all, so don't invest too much. you can't make someone like you , maybe you can do this when you're approaching a stranger and when you're dating for the first month.
don't worry....

sometimes the girls isn't attracted , and sometimes it has nothing to do with you - you always have exceptions. if you can't control something you shouldn't invest energy in worrying , since you can't control it there is no need to think about gaining back control. If you are not sure about the future of the relationship there is only one thing you should do ; NEVER compromise yourself and your values - choose for yourself - that is never a bad investment.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Hey thanks for the reply...
Just another q: Since my feelings have hit the point where i can completely, meaningfully and honestly say "I Love You" to her - should i say it to her ? Or do you think that this would scare her off ? Is this too soon ?

I HAVENT said the L word yet, but i'm just curious - will i lose value if i do this ? Does it matter if she ISNT at the same "stage" of feelings towards me?

Each day my feelings seem to get stronger for her ^^ - but rest assured i'm still keeping busy

Love yourself first .... if she doesn't love you that much it will backfire. If you say the Love you , you will hypnotize yourself in loving her. Like i said don't compromise your values and being, you won't lose value in her eyes but you will lose your own value.

does it matter if she isn't at the same stage ? yes .... you are too available, you make her feel forced - contact will be more awkward, it's possible she will even feel guilty because she doesn't have the same feelings....
You know her best and i hope you are in touch with yourself and what you want to say is up to you.

What i can say is this ... from experience saying love you too soon in most cases backfires - it's better to say ''i care about you'' or something like that.
The more you are in touch with yourself the less you are dependent on others, that love feeling you are experiencing , i had it without any relationship - just a feeling of happyness inside. Maybe it isn't true at all but i have the idea you are becoming very needy , unconciously you probably want to secure this relationship by saying love you and take it to a serious level or something - she's just bussy last 2 weeks and she makes some unneedy comments - now you feel like she's losing interest and you want unconciously secure the love/relationship by telling her how much you love her.

my opinion : this has nothing to do with real love.... you can't know someone and fall seriously in love in 2 months ......maybe in some romantic movies ,my first relationship was serious love in one day, but do realize both me and the girl were extremely chode/AFC at this point ( therefore it's cup filling and NOT REAL love''). Girls i had relationships with did very nasty things when it turned sour , or they did it out of nothing , girl cheat , girl turned out to use drugs etc . The most shocking part is when you break up she's is not the same person anymore because she has different personality/mindsets to object with value. When you get dumped she will probably act like a bitch and she doesn't care what you think or do anymore , and all the romantic things you did together - she will repeat that with her new boyfriend. My last ex-girlfriend was so different when we broke up i couldn't recognize her anymore - not 1 % of her personality was the same as before - it was really shocking because i really felt like i was talking to another person someone who i never met ( extreme case tho ).

you do not know people after a day , not after a week , not after a month sometimes it takes several months to really know someone. People also show their real emotions when they are fighting or argueing , your girfriend could be hiding things- things shé won't tell you. my first girlfriend lied about certain things from day one .......

Im not telling guys to breakdown the concept of love and to make a science out of it, however do realize; if you love someone to soon while you don't even know them to the fullest extend( you probably think you know them) you will compromise your values and reality to that person and when you get dumped you get one-itis you feel bad etc blablabla. Loving and '' i love you forever'' is just NLP on self, you have real love and you have hypnotizing yourself in loving some one. in any way it's not a good thing to compromise yourself for a relationship of several months. don't be afraid to get into a relationship and don't be terminator - you have nothing to worry about if you love yourself first.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Guys, do pay close attention to Lodewijkp....he knows what he's talking about.

If you all recall, I posted here a little while back and he helped me. I took his advice to heart, and things are much better.

However, I'd like to chime in for those of you in relationships. Please be sure to double check and reaffirm all of your "alpha-male" qualities that made her fall for you in the first place. Here's an example of something that happened to me recently.

My girlfriend did something that was fairly rude, and though I thought it was wrong, I should not have responded in the way I did. Guys, no matter what your girlfriend does, don't get mad....if you react in the wrong way you could be making your situation worse. If you must get a point across, respond in a firm, confident, but disappointed way, and set your boundaries.

Let her know what she did, why you expected more, and that you won't tolerate it again. If you keep feeding her negativity and engaging in her with arguments, she's going to keep pushing you because she knows she can get away with it. She sees a way to dominate you further without you doing anything about it. Make sure you have equal investment on both parts.

This is just something I've come to realize recently, so I hope Lodewijkp will agree with me and I hope my own experience and insight can help some here

Remember, if in doubt, take a step back, assess the situation, relationship, and your inner game and work from there.

Hey - things arent really getting any better...

- Last time i saw my gf was on tuesday (with a bunch of her girl friends). Things went ok, but she was still really distant.

Wednesday night - i said i'd call on Thursday via txt cause she said she was busy with friends SPAM. Thursday comes around - and she said not to call since she had to go to church...she only used to go to church - like a few years ago...not recently ^^

- I sent her a fb inbox message two nights ago with just one line saying "You don't seem yourself. Is anything wrong?"
She still hasnt replied to this yet...and she checks fb every day (i know she's been online and prob has seen my message).

I haven't called her or really communicated at all with her since Tuesday - SPAM i'm just keeping busy and giving her space ...is this the right thing to do ?
I'm planning on maybe calling her on saturday/sunday (without txting first) to see what's up...Opinions on this?

Also - i got an easter bunny chocolate that i got for her - how/when should i give it to her ? Do you think giving her no communication for like 5 days or so is sufficient ?

Been out partying these last 2 days so i've been pretty chilled and happy --> trying to fix my state of mind and turn it all into thinking positively and keeping my mood good...

Basically:
- When should i contact her?
- Should i contact her and ask her why she's so distant now, etc ? or should i just act as if it never happened next time i talk to her ?
- Is this a "punishable" kind of situation?
- Is this distant-ness out of nowhere just a "phase" in a relationship? Or is something bad coming up ? I was thinking that she's either lost interest in me...or is just really busy with school work and getting heaps of pressure from parents about school and stuff...what do u guys think?
- Lastly - do u think that the next time i talk to her - i should bring up how i feel about all this distancing thing, etc ? Ask her about her feelings and stuff - both about me/this relationship? or is that too afc? Cause i thought relationships is all about communication...

Cheers

jonobono,

It seems to me you're being needy and smothering her. Stop contacting her, remove your attention from her, and go live you life.

Practice talking to girls (IRL phone, sms, chat, whatever) and not be concerned about the outcome. Find girls you're not even attracted to, that will make it easy to practice and show yourself how you should be behaving with the girls that you think really matter.

Strive to really be positive and independent of a girl's response. It's very easy to end up feeling dependant on their response, one of two ways. Just like there's two forms of racism; singling someone out, and not singling someone out - there's two forms of being outcome dependant; caring about what happens next, and being brutally careless - in the case of hte latter you give off the obvious vibe that you're "trying to be tough", and this doesnt' work either.

So when you talk to her next, the aim will be to have fun and not be worried about what to say next or how she will react. You can think about what to say next when you really want to - not worry about what to say next. You can have a "talk" with her, or you can pretend it doesn't happen. Neither one matters - what matters is where it's coming from. Are you happy with yourself no matter what she says?

jonobono8888

like learnandgrow said (agreed).....you are too needy
i recommend you to dump her , you probably want to wait a few days , like 4 days before doing it.
any advice will make you more needy so i ain't giving you anything, you are over-supplicating soo too much.

believe me .. you are compromising yourself way too much, this is going nowhere.
the guy is fixated on her reactions and replies , he's defenitly not satifsied and still tries to force a reaction.
seriously ... can't you see what's going on here ? You shouldn't care what's going, on but still ... cmon ....
give it to yourself
you are acting like a complete chode here , do yo u really think she's under pressure ? she goes out with friends and probably ''im'' not sure but probably lies about the church thing. She has time for friends but not for you... that's completely ok if you want a unneedy relationship but if you want a regular one you shouldn't take this shit. She does not have time because of school and so forth but she has time for the church which she never visits ?

the girl probably doesn't want to see you... she puts her friends and her own time high above you. you shouldn't care what she's doing but i don't want a girlfriend who is probably making up stories - for me it's not the lying but it's the whole trait of it that makes a girl unattractive.

you are not satisfied but she is .... why do you fall in love with girls who fuck around and disatisfy you ? my adivce .. cut this chick away out of you life... block her msn block her facebook - if she send text messages on your phone read them but don't react on it. if it turns out she really got feelings for you and so forth you can always go back - just tell her you had some things going or something.
but for now .... cut her out of your life.... or end up needy, chode and AFC

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

I agree with lodewijkp. Jonobono888, you have to remember you aren't even in a serious relationship with her yet...it's too soon. She doesn't have anything invested in you, apparently, but you have way too much invested in her. It's not like you've been together a year or so where the rules are somewhat different; you're not working on repairing or enhancing a long standing relationship.

Get out while you can, find someone that deserves your attention, and work on your inner game. As long as you're needy like this, you're going to have the same problem.

In all honesty, the thing that seems most counter-productive is what you should be doing. If you're sincere with her and tell her it's for the best you don't see each other anymore, you will at the very least, catch her completely off guard.

*** UPDATE***
- She called me up last night and asked me out to a movie today (We saw How to train your dragon)
- I basically acted cocky/funny on the phone and tried to keep convo as light as possible.

- Movie went ok i guess, she still didn't seem completely herself and we talked about it a bit. We had a small dnm on the way back and i basically asked her about the distant-ness thing. She replied that she didn't really realise and that everything is ok - just work/yr 12 catching up with her.

Since we'll be seeing each other a fair bit this next week (via group events) i'm not planning on contacting her in the days between unless she initiates (ie, she txts first).

I'm thinking i should play it cool - try not to worry/act perhaps a tad cold? Give her heaps of space? See where that goes... Any ideas? Also, maybe when i DO see her at the group events, focus on being the fun, stress-free kinda guy? keeping everything cocky/funny?
(oh and apart from last nite i hadnt contacted her since Tuesday so it wasnt like i was acting needy or anything ^^)

Thanks for the advice - i'm trying hard not to worry too much (at least not to show it to her that i'm worried) so i guess time will tell ^^

well that's something positive , don't think too much, just see where it goes.
you don't have to play anything - just be yourself ( not needy ) and keep investing in yourself - you are number one and she's second.

do realize girls do not always tell you what's wrong unless you have a very serious relationship - so don't create any expectations.
you are number one , she's second or lower , no expectations ,don't make it psychological warfare with certain manipulative tricks, just enjoy it and go with the flow

When she's getting distant again you could :
1. accept it
2. end it
just be sure to look on long term , dumping your girlfriend after reading a message on the forum is stupid, like i said wait a week ( or 2 weeks ) before applying major changes.

meanwhile try to find out what traits you like , traits woman have which you perceive as value. what woman do you want ? be very serious , not too demanding and be real. Also conker has a good point, try not to be concerned about the outcome when talking to people.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Alright OP ill shoot with 2 questions one about my current situation with a women that you mentioned you experienced, and inner game about moving on


1. Inner Game: So let me start by explaining what im talking about in inner game here, say your with a girl for a while, keep the PUA shit, continue to keep things interesting in this matter and romantic for a women and you, moments that youll probrably replay forever in your head, because they were the times that you were really truly happy for yourself. what im getting at is when ever a break up occurs between the 2 of you, is it okay to give yourself time to reconnect with yourself before you go out sarging after a relationship, im sure one can be truly fucked up on the inside after all the commitment and time put into one girl, and what she put into you.

2.Situation: I was reading your introduction on this page and you mentioned that your relationship had been ruined by the disease of cancer, well shitty as it is im in that, or am getting into that, right now. She told me before we started going out and im pretty much the only one that knows at this point, but she thinks nothing of it and isnt afraid of it, what im asking is for your best advice of what to do as the more serious this gets, shes in love with me and i really like her, what did you do to deal with it or what happened, just wanted your good advice since youve been through it all before.

Thanks Man Appreciate all of this

Fender43

Fender43

recovering from break-ups is completely normal, it's normal and healthy human behaviour. When your reality got broken you need to rebuild it into a new stronger one before getting a new girl. Getting into a relationship with negative values is never good because your reality which is still recovering is getting pumped full of more negative values when you get dumped again. People who committed suicide after a series of bad relationships never took time to recover and went from girl to girl with a weak set of values , after each break up or bad experience they get fed with more negative thought patterns and so forth. they don't realize the happiness is within themselfs.

when it's getting unhealty ? because you've invested much into a relationship it is normal to be disspointed when you break up - however when you assign negative personal meanings or negative assumptions to certain experiences you will make it more worse for yourself. She could dump you because she just thinking you are too needy, however when you hear this you could assign your own meaning to it from out your own perception most guys think '' she doesn't like me '' etc and other negative judgements. Assign positive meanings to experience and situations even when you don't feel like it and accept the fact you need to recover from the previous relationship. If your previous GF cheated on you you can either feel bad and blame yourself or get a better Girlfriend instead of your previous one because you believe you deserve better. Assigning positive personal meanings seperates winners from losers, believe you are a winner all the time no matter what because every aspect in life no matter how negative always contains something positive and you should focus on that positive part as much as you can.
when you read the above ... focussing on the positive .. it's very important to focus on the postive in a situation which is completely negative. im keeping this short and simple so it's understandable 100%. Never talk about it just pretend like it doesn't exist because when you keep bringing it forward you are actually confronting her with the problems. The more concious negativity(problems) is the more depressive you become - Stress actually decreases your health so like a pregnancy it's recommend to keep everything stress free.
it's her problem and don't muliply by making it yours.
Second reason why you shouldn't mension it ... it if really turns out te be deadly you want her to be happy, you don't want her to spend her previous and coming months in fear and negativity thinking about cancer.
third is total acceptance .... acceptance doesn't mean you have to talk about it, acceptance means you don't judge it as good or bad, everyone has cancer cells even the healthy people so it's a normal reaction of the human body. with accepting and loving a person comes accepting her way of thinking , accepting her way of doing but also accepting her body and everything that comes with it.

1. Don't mension it , Don't talk about it unless she wants to talk about it. From experience .... talking about it IS NOT GOOD and IT IS STRESSFULL .. be her boyfriend and not her doctor. Also accept the fact that being emotional is fully ok, it's possible that there will be situations where you have to carry her down the stairs because she's too tired. All negative things are only temporarily and therfore don't focus on those , the positive is long lasting.

2. You have to know what you are dealing with... when you make a decision to stick with her no matter what you make that decision AND YOU WILL STICK TO IT NO MATTER WHAT , YOU WILL BE A MAN NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE YOU CHOSEN TO DO SO. Before making the decision , get information about cancer, get information about which type of cancer she has.... know what you are dealing with before making a choice so that you can be fully responsible for your own choices. Your worst pain comes from leaving someone who needs help someone you promised to stick by them no matter what. Also realize how you emotionally affect other people making your decisions.
Know what you are up against, know your options and make your decisions.

3. She tells you she isn't afraid... maybe this is true but when you get hit by a car, you don't know how much pain it does until the moment you get hit. be prepared to deal with a emotional girlfriend.....

4. After 1,2,3 and after cancer you will have the most solid relationship ever.

some books, when reading don't assume the most bad things will happen, like i said you don't know the future, there is no reason to be afraid of worst things you can imagine :

http://www.amazon.com/Cancer-Outside-Ty ... 837&sr=1-4

http://www.amazon.com/Cancer-Not-Diseas ... 883&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-About-Bik ... 358&sr=1-2

she's not cancer , she's a human and every human got cancer cells - act like you are both human. Whenever you're stressed and you need to talk , go to the forum , talk to your best friend, talk to your parents , don't walk around with a full bucket.

good luck

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

So, i'm an AFC, new at this, and am really into this HB9-10. She's younger than me by two years (I'm 19). We go to the same school. I'm lacking in the confidence dept. and I can never seem to talk to her and bring up starting a relationship... She is always with her group of friends and i can never seem to pull her away... It's so frusterating... any advice?