jonobono8888
i know it's your first relationship, and alot of things im going to say will seem unclear to you but i do want to talk in depth - too many people have the same question. you will probably not like or expect what im going to say here, you probably want some tactic to escalate to sex but im not going to give you that. because what you want is not always what you need so keep on reading.
First of all i start with ''PROBLEM'' and the common way why people get into this thinking, fixing your own issues is far more important than fixing external things. with in depth i don't mean i go on talking hours about 1 defention, im going to switch from subject to subject to show the relationship between these mindsets. We are going to switch from topics very fast to keep it compact.
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PROBLEM:
- She's really really shy about the whole sexual/intimate thing (i'm her first ever bf and she's my first ever gf)
- HOWEVER: holding hands/hugging/etc is fine = that comes easily
do you think it's a problem ? with problems i personally mean 2000$ dollar bills being thrown in my letterbox. You are perceiving it as a problem which is a wrong thought or mindset in the first place, you should be happy and enjoy every moment with her instead of focussing on negative thoughts - she isn't a 2000$ bill in your letterbox.
I think you are fixating or expecting too much- forcing someone or manipulating ( either positive or negative) is the first sign of selfishness ( in some degree). You can't submit someone into giving something he or she's not ready for or can't give right now, expecting or forcing is not real love but is merely satisfying the ego.
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(i'm her first ever bf and she's my first ever gf)
This is why it's so awkward for her , it's a huge step but also a huge deal because she's your first GF ever. When it's awkward for both there is double tension.
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She's really really shy about the whole sexual/intimate thing
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- HOWEVER: holding hands/hugging/etc is fine = that comes easily
Holding hands and hugging is also intimate - she regards is as intimate, you are missing the whole point about intimacy because you fixate too much on certain things. You have intimacy in sex , intimacy in conversations , material intimacy -
intimacy isn't only one word with one description i even had a intimate hate relationship with someone.
You don't enjoy tea if you are not trying to enjoy tea, not enjoying doesn't exist because not enjoying means you're dead -
increase joy in the present moment when your doing something.
My second ex-girlfriend....
when i was with her i was fixating on sex and escalation way too much but right now i have a different understanding about intimacy and enjoying things. Right now when i think back ( positive memories) i enjoy things i didn't enjoy at that moment- like holding hands and looking in the eyes. It seems that i didn't enjoy things when i was with her which is a shame because you miss things which are actually very important in life.
The cause of my blindspot was that i wasn't intimate with myself , not in touch with my own core.
Being natural or being in touch with yourself / knowing who you really are is just being intimate with yourself - Know what you value but also REALIZE when to value. Knowing what you value in life takes form often through spirituality in connection with experience, realizing ''when to value'' in the moment is BEING present in the moment. Being present is not being led by negative thoughts, expectations or judgement - being judgemental is also putting a stamp on certain things like they are ''problems. Thoughts and often negative thoughts will drive you away from the present moment and will stop you from enjoying things - if you are not there with your head, how can you enjoy things ?
so my suggestion here is that you are not intimate with yourself , and even if you are intimate with yourself you will also have to realize it ( being aware). There are no problems ; you have a girlfriend and you seem to like eachother. Let me put it like this ; do you want a shitty relationship with alot of sex or do you want a good relationship with not that much sex ? Know what you value - What you want from something. Every person has/have/posses something unique - that often takes form through conversation - you can have SEX with anyone SEX is not something which is scarce, it's a unique feeling but not really an individual uniqueness. You have to value the person self and not the general process or idea, the unique individuality is what you should value...... I like Individualism.
Value who she is instead of wanting something,
total acceptance and being non-judgemental is a important part of real love.
It's your first girlfriend.. i don't assume you never had sex or something in that manner but what i do assume is that your defenition / reality on how a relationship should be is derived from social conditioning. Most guys ask eachother if they banged their new girlfriend or are always looking at appearance - the whole male mindset of this society is that :
IF you banged a chick you got value . You hear these conversations about ''valueble banging'' in the club , The people who think sex is valuable don't know what they value.
Ask them: what girl do you like ? they will often respond like : '' uhh hot .. blonde .. tall .. hot'' They don't know what they value because they don't know what they want - they can't project their goals or values on through their opinion.
SEX IS SUPERFICIAL ... even the worst criminals get sex , sex doesn't make you a better person. im not talking you shouldn't have sex, what im saying is that you should think about what it really is. a long time ago i had no job, no identity and i wasn't intimate with myself and i thought sex would give me value, or at least it made me feel better-
FEELING better and
MAKING things better are different things. Feeling better is just another bandage on a gaping wound it works on short term but you only feel it when you get it. Making things better is investing with wisdom and awareness which doesn't always give you result on short term but it does give you result on long term. you got sex with love and you have sex which you have because you've worked yourself to it - not much love.
The depletion mindset.... or losing control about process over outcome is another wrong mindset. The depletion mindset is one which you have because you want more things to make you feel valuable , which you have to realize is superficial in the end. Humans Deplete what they have, we always want a new HD-TV or new shoes while we already got what we need. This crave for superficial value depletes the source because there's never enough, you identify with superficial status which derives from social conditioning in the first place.
Most people are in general consumers and the whole society and commercial world want you to be a consumer. Not being happy with these shoes , buying new ones make you feel better .... ?
realize what you have:
Society dictates you to :
Not be happy with what you have ( think of economy and consumer behaviour)
Draw value without contribution ( you learn to give something superficial, you buy with money - most people think they can buy money with love , you see the connection ?)
If you don't know what you value in the present moment like we talked about before you will get stuck in these 2 (often) negative mindsets i've described above.
Mindsets are behavioural throughout your life , think what it will do in your relationships. Why do we deplete the rainforrest ? isn't it a unique beautifull place ? why do we want to destroy something that is so valueble ? Because most people have a mental dysfunction and believe in things only like society told them. Who you are will contribute in the relationship, You can't know real value if you don't appreciate what you already have. People chase superficial value because they aren't intimate with theirselfs - When they get dumped by their Girlfriend they get frustrated and call her '' you are my everything ''. do you see the relationship between it ?
Nobody taught you how to pickup girls or how to manage a relationship, it's all second hand information and most derive from social conditioning. If you find out what it really is with the above mindets, guess what it will be based on.
Not getting what you want is the problem ! you see the problem is perceived as a problem because you're not getting what you want. Because you want superficial value unconciously , even tho you want to get sex with her because you want a better relationship - you don't understand how to efficiently manage a relationship so how do you know sex will benefit ? '' social conditioning. '' your ideas how things should be derived from it ( most part of it ).
The whole reason you want sex in the first place =
1.you think it will benefit the relationship
2.you want sex because you want to experience it
3.you're horny
4.You want to give it to her because you think it's real love
some of those 4 are
your reality on how you should manage a relationship, and when your reality doesn't get confirmed - you don't get what you want you will experience it as an problem. you think sex will bring you closer to what you really want and she doesn't - you have both a different understanding of things thus you are pressured to force her into sex.
You are forcing your frame of reality on her because if she doesn't respond to your reality - your reality on how sex will make things better - your reality is getting challenged thus you risk the loss of (superficial) value. Do realize you are largely dependent on external validation thus i described above in relationship with the depletion mindset which we unconciously adopted through social conditioning. If she doesn't confirm your reality you feel value loss or you feel unwanted. Just like PUAs are addicted to IOI's from girls...even girls they don't want in the first place.
this whole text above is a reply on this part of your post
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Another Q
- I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 months now and things are going ok...
PROBLEM:
- She's really really shy about the whole sexual/intimate thing (i'm her first ever bf and she's my first ever gf)
- HOWEVER: holding hands/hugging/etc is fine = that comes easily
Now i read further and i see this :
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Anyway, I tend to be a pretty affectionate person so i tend to give her a fair bit of attention when i see her (i only get to see her once a week). The thing is, she told me she's not that into the whole romantic/affectionate thing and that she's kind of "cold" - if u know what i mean?
I've brought this whole affectionate-issue up with her and told her it doesnt really seem like she likes me
Notice this part :
I've brought this whole affectionate-issue up with her and told her it doesnt really seem like she likes me this is what i wrote above :
Do realize you are largely dependent on external validation thus i described above in relationship with the depletion mindset which we unconciously adopted through social conditioning. If she doesn't confirm your reality you feel value loss or you feel unwanted. Just like PUAs are addicted to IOI's from girls...even girls they don't want in the first place.
You see the relationship between everything ? now we've discussed the appearant defenition of '' Problem '' and why it showed up in the first place. If you like yourself you don't need anyone to give you compliments on how cool you are - external validation is obsolete and useless if you love / value yourself like we've described at start.
Do you also understand why i didn't gave tactics to make her sexual with you ? i don't give tactics to enhance problems.
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Anyway, I tend to be a pretty affectionate person so i tend to give her a fair bit of attention when i see her (i only get to see her once a week). The thing is, she told me she's not that into the whole romantic/affectionate thing and that she's kind of "cold" - if u know what i mean?
being affectionate is an ok thing to do when you love someone.
But when you expect anything back is that real love because real love is unconditional ( to my opinion of course ) Even is your partner neglects to give anything back you shouldn't make it into a problem BECUASE DISGREEMENT CONSISTS out of lack of acceptance , you don't get external reality confirmation. Love isn't a business deal like '' i give you this and you give me this''. If she isn't the loving type and you really accept her you should love her.
Empty hole within : something i experienced a few times, you give alot of love to someone but that person doesn't give much in return. after a while you feel empty and not validated - that's because you seek validation in the first place but when you are dependent on external validation you can give all you have but if you don't get anything in return things get off balance and you feel a loss of value within. We've talked about external validation so no need to discuss that again but do realize she has her own reality on how things should be.
If a girl doesn't love herself as much as you do , or let me put it this way , a girl only allows you to love her as much as she loves herself otherwise you aren't congruent to her reality.
Some really good looking people which are chode often walk around with really ugly girlfriends , that's because they don't think they deserve the best - they don't have the inner validation or value to get anything better - they don't have the self love which translates into confidence. Some guys get compliments and they don't accept it while they are dependent on external validation. Some girls don't accept compliment from their boyfriends as well and the same goes with showing love.
IF a girl thinks you will cheat and you tell her you won't, she will still check your phone because she has her own reality AND she needs the external validation to be right - she needs her reality to be confirmed because that's what we want through this social conditioning. by the way .. i don't accept or react on compliment because i don't like external validation, however i like to see people appreciate what i write and i like them changing to the positive , that gives me inner value : contribution.
With all the above in mind - she doesn't love herself that much .... does it make her a victim of her own mind ? you perceive it as negative - she doesn't like me blablabla... no she doesn't like herself that much thus she doesn't give herself permission because her reality is different. Forcing has no use here , real love is love without sacrificing yourself , real love is also giving something without expecting something in return especially because our girls don't always love themselfs much.
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But she reassured me that this ISNT the case and that she likes me, and that she's just not the affectionate-type *yes i know this is VERY AFC - BUT we have this thing where communication is a must in our relationship...*
About realities.... you won't believe her.... otherwise you won't be posting here. Communication is ok at least if you're not unconciously manipulating her into submission to your reality - as long your not tlaking about the same thing to get sex. Things you perceive as problems is what you perceive as problems, she maybe won't perceive it as a problem.
Thus you go find other reasons why she's this way because you can't believe she doesn't love you but you also can't believe she likes you. This is wastefull thinking ... it's wood.. its a waste of time, it's just a difference in opinions and nothing more.
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HOWEVER - i THINK this coldness is DUE to her father being an absolute dick for her entire life, and therefore she has trust/affection issues
yes this is certainly a factor but it's not decisive , i had girls with many problems and i noticed it wasn't their problem - the problem was how i would react on it and how i accept certain flaws.
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- Do you think it's possible for me to break through this barrier ? or that i could change her to be more affectionate in the future? or is this going to be the same a year on from now ? If yes, how ?
No matter what you do you can't change people if they don't want to be changed , a drug addict can become clean in one day if he really decides and believes to change. Alot of drug addicts don't want to change and go back to institutions for years and years. i was addicted to drugs and after a year i decided to become clean '' i one day'' because i want be changed - i was confident enough to give up my identity.
Resisting realities
Resisting is non-acceptance
you can't love if you don't accept someone, stop resisting.
I know you have good intentions but you need to accept before you can really love.
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- or that i could change her to be more affectionate in the future? or is this going to be the same a year on from now ? If yes, how ?
no need to think about the future .. you will forget the present moment like we've described on the top of this page. you think about the future out of fear , you make carefull thoughts if she will fullfill your need and so forth - because you don't accept her flaws you worry about the future.
''or is this going to be the same a year on from now '' im not a telepathic with psychic superpowers ... don't worry about the future because the future is formed from what you invest into the present moment. Enjoy your time with her.
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- How can i spice it up? Change it around ? If we go somewhere, it has to be somewhere local...
- What kinda activities can we do that'll be new/adventurous/fun yet nearby ?
i don't know ... i don't know what is possible (local) over there, girls just like to do alot of things. Go shopping, go swimming, go for a walk in nature, of course time restricts everything which is quitte an disadvantage..... Be creative look on the internet, go to a zoo or something.
- What kinda activities can we do that'll be new/adventurous/fun yet nearby ? things that are outside her reality ... naked swimming.. you know her the best. Also it's not what you do but how you do it , me and my ex girlfriend had hilarious times reading the newspaper together. If you really enjoy the small things like i do you will have alot more fun doing things.
maybe you should even say to her that you want to do alot of fun stuff with her but there's not enough time right now .....Intentions are valuable along with actions, Be honest about positive things and communicate those.
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NOTE: I'm not in this relationship for just sex or anything, i actually care for her so the whole mega intimate part isnt a must - just the affectionate thing gets to me a bit...
i know ... your intention are good but you had the wrong mindset.
CHAT
... dutch grammar is quitte complex - when i translate it things come out quitte twisted