(duplicate post - was doing this on my iPhone, haha)

bad move saying you needed more time to be more religious. You won't be religious, don't be silly. All you did there was tell her - yes she is right but you are too chicken shit to go forward with it. That's why she dumped you. Remember they make decisions emotionally, not logically.

You should have stayed true to who you are, and not bend to her girly irrational things. This does not impress girls. They want you to provide some stability. Look at her now, still being interested in you but fighting with her faith and doing this half arsed wierd thing where she's trying to hit on other guys but telling you about every step. Is this the situation you encourage, as a man? But don't be agressive, just be positive and certain about your choices.

Lodewijkp,

How do you salvage a relationship you feel is going downhill? Relationship is about 9 months. Some of the warning signs I'm seeing, though it may be too late.

1. Her saying I always have to be right. 2. Her saying I only point out her faults. (mostly comes from things I say when trying to dissect situations rationally..probably a bad idea.) 3. Her eventually breaking down and crying and saying "I've changed," basically stating how I disappoint her in various ways, or just being very upset (In response, I said it doesn't sound like she's happy. She said she was offended and became more upset.) 4. Her saying I'm not there for her "emotionally," but am physically 5. Her saying that she feels like I know everything about her, but she hardly knows about me (or that I'm secretive, though I'm not.) 6. That I'm "mean" or a "jerk" (Do I say things she interprets differently? Do I think I do things to "be there for her," but I'm really not?) 7. Probably some other important things that were said I'm forgetting.

But other times, maybe hours later, she says how she loves doing things with me and how happy I make her and how much she loves me? Is this genuine? I mean, this comes after she pointed out all my faults, things I would presume turn her off to me? Everything from how much she loves that I can drive her to the park to teach her how to hit and throw a wiffle ball to wanting to spend her life with me someday and have a family.

I'm confused..it all seems contradictory to each other.

What is attributing to this, and how can I fix it? Basically, it seems like there are people who believe there may be a loss of attraction in such a situation, but others who believe it may be the way someone in my position may be acting, even if they are unaware. Which is it, and what can I do to change it, and beyond this, what can I do to make everything even better?

Am I being unappreciative, distant, or misunderstanding her? Is she losing attraction for me, or am I reacting to things badly and being a bad partner, or is it a combination due to the latter? Am I somehow feeling guilty which leads me to think things are wrong that aren't? Do you think I could be overanalyzing? Please, help me remedy whatever issues you see to be present, and give suggestions on how to go above and beyond. I love this girl, and whether she truly feels that way or not something is definitely wrong and it needs to be fixed. Should I mention to her I feel like the relationship is on a decline and something isn't sitting right with me?

I know this is long, but I think it's valuable for everyone and hope it gives you enough insight to analyze it and help many other guys in my situation. I think many of us in this situation recognize something's wrong, but do the wrong thing and make it even worse. Any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated.

You don’t have to be me to get her. You can’t be me … even if you tried …you don’t have it in you. She wants pieces of you, the security, the stability and the commitment (good but predictable) but she doesn’t want to lose the pieces of me, the adventure, excitement and unpredictability (girls like unpredictable).

That was an excerpt from the other thread in this section, a letter to mr. nice guy. if you arent generally very unpredictable, or adventurous can you become that type of person? or are you just who you are? also, what are some examples of adventurous, exciting, and unpredicatable things that I can do with my girlfriend? keep in mind, we are 17. thanks again lode

EDIT: one more thing for future reference..what is the best thing to do when your girlfriend suddenly becomes distant, and you have no clue why?

sexapil999, my girlfriend was pretty distant too. Long story short, she said she couldn't give me what I want and we should break up. I agreed. She came back a couple days later and said she didn't mind a monogamous relationship, she just needed her space. I said maybe she'll have more time and want more intimacy in the future and we could try then.

Bottom line. You want something out of this relationship she's withholding from you for whatever reason. You want to escalate things, she wants to drag along without changing anything. You have to decide whether you want to keep grinding your teeth or you want to try someone who can give you more. Don't talk anymore because it's not getting you anywhere. Act. Either accept the relationship for what it is or leave.

I think Lodewijkp's analysis on this is very insightful. But what the hell are you going to DO? Talk is cheap and boring, you can talk a relationship to death, but rarely to life. It sounds like you have to wow her by being another man, a man with drive. I'm not sure if you're in the US, but there is still a massive social stigma around men who don't work, REGARDLESS of the circumstances. Women are very sensitive to social pressure and she might also resent you for not working; even if you're the most stellar dad ever. She might resent you for taking her for granted.

This is such a complicated problem, but if I were you, I'd find a way to ratchet up every aspect of my life. Be conscious of all the time you waste watching TV, surfing the internet, when you could be doing something in your life. Like part-time work, going to the gym, home improvement. Be a renaissance man. I'd say ask your wife what she wants changed, but hell, she probably doesn't know any better than you. There's unease and if you improve every aspect of your life, how can she not be impressed? More importantly, you will become impressed with yourself again. From how you describe what happened, I get the impression you've lost touch with what a miracle you really are and she has as well.

On the other hand, maybe a trial separation is just what you guys need. Maybe you're no longer compatible, people change a lot over a decade and sometimes love doesn't outlast a lifetime. I mean, in isolation, you might figure out you ran out of gas for this relationship and that's why you slowed down. Hell if I know.

People shouldn't be judged by their words. How does she act? Does she seem really unstable and dissatisfied? It sounds like you listen to what she says pretty actively, but what a woman says, is different from what she does, may be different from how she feels. There's no way to KNOW how she truly feels, you have to take it on faith and continue to give your all. There's something behind what she says, though, it's all kind of the same thing. The overall theme is that you're not open or compassionate enough. Maybe you're not a very emotional guy and you don't show your pleasure enough; I have that problem. You have to look at the big picture and be able to see your own actions and expressions in relation to her outbursts. Maybe she just does it to tap into your soft emotional side and you can preempt it by giving her that freely. It's crazy, but maybe you can voice record a day's interactions and when things turn bad, replay and relive what you said, what you were doing when her mood changed. Maybe your tone is a lot harsher than you mean when you make little jokes at her expense. I also have that problem.

If your girlfriend is distant, you have to confront her about it. Tell her you've noticed she's acting different and you're wondering what's wrong. Don't assume it has anything to do with you. This gives her a great opportunity to come clean about anything. Here's the tricky part, whatever she tells you, you have to assume it's the truth unless you have evidence to the contrary. If she says it's about you, you'll have to work to change or decide the relationship isn't worth changing that part of you. If she says she's not going to be able to be attentive, you have to decide if you want to continue the relationship. It's a sucky situation. You could ignore it, but if it's something she expects you to notice, that will backfire.

So, basically what your saying is, there is not much I can do about he she feels?
I should just accept her emotions, and decide whats best for me?

Lodewijkp, I hope you'll answer me too man..

sexapil999 To go in detail ... you want something out of it but it doesn't respond to her reality to give it to you thus you create more distance. However notice she's is the one creating the distance , meaning you don't responds to her reality - or you don't respond to her image how a relationship should be. Im not telling you to be fully congruent to her needs because some people have ridiculious relationships values and needs. Girls let you only love them as much as they allow to love themselfs , you are not congruent to her needs thus creating distance - she wants space.

You don't have the emotional momentum to get full compliance yet and the most prominent reason is you've used pickup lines and stuff.
The problem with pickup lines is that you are totally cool at the first impression you convey coolness, cocky fun playfull attitude - in short term you convey value BUT do realize you are presenting yourself in a different way. If you set up an identity ( PUA) then you are not behaving like you really are thus when you get into a relationship you get incongruence, it isn't that bad but added on other things it can certainly can be the decisive factor.

if you give someone a box and tell them there's something cool inside and later on there's nothing inside the person will be dissapointed to some degree - now consider it rendering all unconcious. That's why i dropped the whole PUA thingy a long time ago because i noticed myself choding out sometimes by not consistently conveying value - i used this PUA identity as a shield to be temporarily cool but i was still chody from inside. To make it short ... use routines as spice and be yourself at all time , the center should be you and not this PUA indentity.

The main weapon is emotional spiking, which is the result of all these routines and so forth but they are routines , the routines are spiking her and not the real you. So when you get into a relationship you don't have the same emotional spiking anymore thus your value lowers. Should this mean you should drop routines ? NO you can still use routines as spice and not as primary game , the game is you what most consider natural game.

Now i made the above as short as possible BUT what if your GF keeps shit testing for 3 months ? totally incongruent and you don't pass the tests because either you behave like a pimp( routine) or you are a pimp( natural ). if you are you are and you don't have those blindspots. reason 1 You've choded/AFCed yourself out
reason 2 She doesn't know what she wants

Lets take both because some self actualisation/improvement wouldn't hurt , first start with 2. People have Reticular activating system , alot of this is discussed in books but also in RSD decoded. Anyway when people consider something of value they turn away from things who could compromise that value or that have at this point no value into their reality.. Do you know situations where GFs start verbal fights about nothing ? well maybe it's because she met a new guy who is pointed out in her RAS ( R activation system) and she's tired of you because you don't have enough value to correspond to her reality. MEANING she focus on something which has value (in her mind, reality) thus she binds negative images thought with something which has no value.
example; a catholic in a conservative community will never turn muslim or read the koran because in their mind it compromises the value drawn from it - they even identify themselfs with it. Everything outside someones reality will be regarded negative or valueless..

so if you choded out you will be more outside her RAS because you don't correspond to her valued image on how someone BF should be like. People who don't know what they want switch from subject to subject from this to that because if you don't know what is valued by yourself,if you cannot conciously tell what you value you are reactive and thus letting your enviroment or other people dictate what contains value. ( external validation , social conditioning blablabla).
so we have 2 type of girls
1. knows what they value ( considered bitches or often 10s by PUA terms )
2. don't know what they value ( considered easy to get etc cling-ons)

RES is dependent on the results she gets from shit tests, too much attention or love can affect her RES but so does incongruence or negative behaviour.
Brains --- > how to survive --- > by things of value ----->RES
most of this is unconcious anyway.

we backward rationalize like she did when you probably choded yourself out , relationship --->RES--> value---> reality congruence--- > emotional spiking etc---- >you
the value is dictated by you or in her eyes ; the enviroment. when you isn't really you but exists out of a PUA identity with a heap of routines which is just a shield in the first place you can see your totally incongruent with the relationship. You is the base of value and therefore you should be of value constantly, this is what spirituality is - self actualisation to realize a higher inner value.

Sometimes you have girls who like you but when they know you a little bit better they don't value you as much as you they did in the club. this is because at the end you don't respond to her reality in the right way...sometimes girls only like bald man or black people or people with ferraris it's a 2 % mutation.
conclusion is you aren't congruent to her reality....
of course you are probably little bit confused because i only tell you what is necessary , there is more to it and there is aloooooot of psychology behind it. so we make it short to 2 words after reading the whole story above.
1. yourself is always shining through
2. not congruent to her reality
you see the paradox ? real value can't be stupid and boring , because real value is value on every level. I've read/seen RSD blueprint decoded (i recommend this) which is very good material for self actualisation, but do realize you need reference experience and you're already getting this out of your alliance/relationship with her.

o yeah what you should do ? what can you do ? accepting is the only thing you can do , you should always know what's the best for you. if you have to ask yourself what's best for you you aleady sacrificed yourself a bit - you should know every minute what's best for you ! do you want this shit ? do you want someone who is distant and only self caring in the first place ? Talk to yourself and Step up... step up as a man.. i mean what is this shit ? there are more girls walking out there you deserve better or at least you should think this.

_________________
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trappinu
you are already valueing her .. probably even above yourself. Ask yourself this :
What can i do .. adventurous, exciting , and unpredictable things i can do TO BE MORE INTERESTING, experience things TO BE MORE VALUE.

if you are adventurous, exciting and unpredictable you don't need to ask this because you already know what to do. so it seems you lack these traits and chase them in a superficial way.
BE more and GET more and DO more - for yourself to be - you are what you are.

step up and decide to be adventurous decide to be unpredictable... go on a road trip, follow a pickup bootcamp somewhere - go on adventures and live life. Know what you value and do things you value. You are only 17 and you don't know shit at that age.... those traits you've described above, most people get them when they get a little bit older because they get self actualized - they know who they are and they experienced alot.

so we can say experience determines those traits.

When i do something which i don't like at all, which not represents me example lazyness, not approaching or not giving myself permission to be who i am i do things which i don't like. When i notice myself communicating through my ego ( non autentic ) i often drive to a lake nearby and plunge in the water ... no matter if it's winter or not. Do people laugh about it when i tell them my way of living ? yes because it's unpredictable.... it's autenthic......not that i care but it is.
sometimes i just sit in the train the whole day chilling and talking to new people, after i few hours i step off randomly and go out on adventure, all on own.
i even gone out once with my xbox360 controller ... i moved through the club by using the analoge sticks and ask girls to press the buttons... life should be fun .. go out .. do stuff ... be crazy and don't give a shit what people think about you.
i recommend you to do things which are outside your reality , things you probably don't like at all.

also what you regard as adventurous is just a personal meaning , it's subjective. what others may find boring i maybe like and vice versa. just find out what you like and what you want.

_________________
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learnandgrow

list of things i would say....this post is bit cynical probably

1. Her saying I always have to be right
that is your opinion.. actually most times im right and i don't care if im right or not.

2. Her saying I only point out her faults. (mostly comes from things I say when trying to dissect situations rationally..probably a bad idea.)
If those faults where important i would dump you straight away... i don't dump you and i like you for who you are. Sometimes i try to improve people... everyone is human i don't give a shit about faults.

3. Her eventually breaking down and crying and saying "I've changed," basically stating how I disappoint her in various ways, or just being very upset (In response, I said it doesn't sound like she's happy.
Your not happy ? well that's your problem ? you are trying to tell me im the reason you're not happy ? like you don't dissapoint me sometimes ? maybe we are all just human and humans dissapoint and make mistakes ? what do you want me to do ?.. perform a backflip while making coffee and writing an article about how humans dissapoint sometimes ?

4. Her saying I'm not there for her "emotionally," but am physically
Yeah sometimes im to manly ... maybe we should share a tissue so i can experience how it is.

5. Her saying that she feels like I know everything about her, but she hardly knows about me (or that I'm secretive, though I'm not.) nope she just want to get emotional with you, lack of emotional connection.

6. That I'm "mean" or a "jerk" (Do I say things she interprets differently? Do I think I do things to "be there for her," but I'm really not?) 7. Probably some other important things that were said I'm forgetting. what do you mean with that ? ... ow ok ... no i want to know more .. explain ....
what you see is that they come up with these stupid reasons why you're a jerk, at the end it's because you don't share enough emotions with them.

well first of all it's not going downhill but she is giving you the idea of going downhill..... what i would think right now ?..... i wouldn't even give a shit. Who cares if she's right or not ? who cares if it yours or her mistake ? What if she isn't right but you are doubting yourself - you probably get chode if you get on your knees at this request.
you are just emotionally spiking her... sometimes you are congruent to her needs or relationship reality and sometimes your not so it's probably well balanced. That's why i tell you to not give a shit and brush it off while respecting her.

Look girls say dumb shit without appearant reasons as well ... my ex-gf once was angry and depressed whole day because someone in her favorite TV show died. girls are emotional and they blow everything out of proportion - if they get 500 % emotional you can pull off -480%. Just support the woman and listen to her woman just need someone to confirm their problems so they can get emotional.

rule 1. Be there for the woman... just support her and don't judge it , don't say it's a big deal or not.
rule 2. don't say what is good or bad
rule 3. brush off all negative comments when she's emotional
rule 4. don't resist and don't agree
no it isn't genuine... her emotional rambling isn't genuine as well. You make me happy... give give give ego ego ego i have a lack of self esteem .. external validation.. make me happy ! because im not happy on my own.
And when you don't make her happy... when you don't give her the external validation she gets pissed like a little kid that won't get his candy. when you don't make her happy she puts up negative behaviour in forcing you to make her happy.

she loves you through her ego ..... let me put up a cold read.. a personal estimation - i hope im wrong tho i hope im not right.

1. she's general insecure
2. needs constant approval of people around her
3. easily offended and doesn't clearly see the difference between subjective and objective
4. weird history about things .. lots of male friends
5. Does not know what she likes and what she wants , her opinion changes every time.
6. tries to be independent but heavily relies on people around her
7. is sometimes very indifferent or on the male polarity side, she can't get to you thus tries to imitate your behaviour to get on top of you.
8. is needy when she needs attention but is more distant and negative when you seek attention.
9. you give more .. way more than she does
10. lays all the blame on you because if her reality of being insecure got confirmed she really would feel bad thus she always point fingers.
11. your never right and don't care but she constantly tells you need to be right and your right.
12. you get into a arguements like 11 and when you really cooled her down you get make up sex.
13. points out on your mistakes because she doesn't like her own flaws, she sees her own flaws in you sometimes and therefore she fully rejects you temporarily.
14 she only can see your mistakes because she got those flaws as an identity
15 she wants to know more about you because it's easier for her to control the relationship, if you point out on her mistakes or flaws she doesn't have anything to throw back so she wants to know more about you because at every argue she can't get to you or hit you thus she realizes she doesn't know much about you. if she doesn't know much about you why would she love you ?
16. you get make up sex and so forth and blames you for only being physical , she's just insecure at sex and probably thinking very reserved about it , like it's a taboo.
17. lack of self acceptance thus sex is uncomfortable , she blames you for having sex with her and giving her certain thoughts. ( of her own making)
18. she has an obsessive relationship with her dog... don't know why but i had to state this:P

like minsok says .. what a woman says i not always what she thinks...
if a girl says i don't like blue color i like pink and im wearing blue laces in my shoes i instantly know she doesn't like my laces but she's probably too insecure to admit. She's just insecure about her own flaws

she just is insecure and negative and want to feed that negativity by getting confirmation of you - her judgemental SPAM towards you is just projection of herself. she can't stand it but she also loves it. her inner game is just screwed i called these girl cling-ons emotional addictive girls. everything she does is temporarily and arbitrary and not really who she is - she just identifies with every thought or emotions.
1. don't take it too serious
2. don't judge
3. just listen

woman like negative emotions and positive emotions and when people love through their ego they want more and more not matter which form. She just stack negativity on negativity and when you respond to that image or reality and give external validation to her negative reality she likes you for it. Don't be a jerk or something , it's all going on in her head. just create a emotional band with her which is very important , but above all ... don't even take her rambling serious.
how to change her and stop loving me through the ego ? well im still trying but found out it's useless to change people if they don't want to be changed. 95% of all the people love through there ego that's why you get so many break ups in general. just accept her for how she behaves and don't take it personal.

Next time if she start rambling about what's wrong with you etc and how you're a jerk keep asking ''why ?'' ok why? '' i only take constructive critisism seriously and not some emotional mumbo jumbo rambling, if you take emotional usless bragging seriously you probably become emotional very soon because you AFC more and more everyday. Don't compromise your reality to someone with a weak reality.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
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today i was walking with my dog enjoying nature..... dunno why but i was thinking about my first girlfriend and how i banged her lol. So i was walking to this small corner talking to myself - '' *name*why did i banged that chode chick in the first place... jezus, well at least i banged her hard'' and guess who came around the corner ..... SHE .. lol looking at me all confused , the look on her face lol

_________________
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Would you say that a girl looks for the same qualitys in a man she wants to have a one night stand with and a man she wants to make into her boyfriend?

Alright, i'll try to keep a long story short;

I met this girl for about a year ago, from the first time i knew she would fall for me, and i knew that i would fall for her.

She was dating one of my bestfriends, but he didnt have the balls to do anything about it, so after not long she started to fall in love with me, and they "ended" whatever they had.

I started going out with her, and we both started getting close, and turned into good friends, (that's about a year ago) then a week or two weeks, before prom we started going out, and we both told each other that we were really atteacted to each other. (that was about 4 months ago)

Then prom came, and her and her ex (my friend) & her was nominated as "the years couple" total bullshit imo, but that doesent matter.
So, everyone was cheering and wanted them to kiss, and so they did, she had of course been drinking, but wasnt wasted, but it was alot of pressure against her.

After that i got furious and told her that i would have problems trusting her again. but since we werent officialy together i eventually forgave her, and we're now a couple, and we've been together for now 3 months, moving into the 4th now, my problem is; I have a hard time trusting her again, and sometimes i feel like a fuckin control freak as sometimes i find myself being jealous. Any tips about how to solve this? This is a girl that i would like to keep, we were good friends for a year before getting together, and she's great in all possible ways, so breaking up is not even an option.

Anyways, any suggestions to solve the trust issue? Is this a problem that only lays on me, or should i talk to her about it? Any help would be greatly appreciated.