For a long time now, my girlfriend seemed to have this weird obsession with her friend. She always wanted her to hang out with us and put her needs ahead of mine. I had enough of this bullshit and told her that I don't appreciate her hanging with us all the time. So then her friend started hanging out with us less.

Her friend is not attractive and doesn't have a large social circle. However, she has started hanging out with a couple of girls that she used to a long time ago. My girlfriend is very upset and thinks that by her hanging out with some other girls, she will loose her as a friend. I told her this sounds insane. After I told her this, she told me she is a control freak. My girlfriend has friends, but this is her best friend. She went on to explain that this is her best friend and doesn't want her to be friends with anyone besides her. That is why she always wants all 3 of us to hang out together. And she thinks I am controling her when I tell her that I don't want her friend hanging out with us all the time.

I told her "Don't worry, I am sure she will not be as good of friends with them as she is with you. She is your best friend and will always be." She got really mad and hung up the phone on me.

My girlfriend seems to be a very emotional person. This has just been frusturating me for a long time. Is there any advice you guys could give for a situation like this?

thanks

My gut reaction -

No big deal, don't hang out with her and her friend if she doesn't want to but don't fight her about it or confront her about it.

You might get the most common answer on these forums, which is move on. But that doesn't help someone who actually has geniune feelings for a person.

The reason I say deal with it is because it isn't a big deal. Why do you care really?

Threesome opportunity?

Your girl sounds a little wacky and maybe you should consider whether you want to deal with someone who won't be happy just having you around but I just don't think this is a deal breaker. Let her do what she wants with her friend, just be busy that night. She might get the hint after a while that you aren't going to hang with them.

Bringing it up won't get you anywhere. At least she knows but she spun it around on you, which is what control freaks do. They will stop at nothing to avoid admitting that they are the problem. Usually they aren't good relationship material. But like I said, if you care about her or think you do or whatever, then don't just walk away over it. You'd get a lot further by NOT tolerating the behavior instead of saying you don't like it.

Thanks for they reply:)

You're probably right, it isn't really a big deal. I guess I just feel that by her putting so much effort to make her happy, is in turn disrespecting me.

By not tolerating her behavior, do you mean not just hang with them when she wants her friend around?

Don't but in effort then.

I see it like this, and I have been in this position tons of time, especially with the current girl I am talking with. I feel disrespected but the root of feeling disrespected is neediness. And especially if you aren't going to walk away. Then you are walking into a trap. Besides you don't have to get so caught up in asserting respect to make sure that the girl knows you are a real man if that is how you feel. Watch out for that because it will cause drama and is actually needy behavior.

I mean its not a big deal, your girl just wants her friend and she wants you to understand but don't go FAR out of your way to make her happy if she doesn't really do the same for you. Unless you can love her without expecting anything back and constantly put yourself out there without feeling uncomfortable.

This is exactly why relationships are so difficult. You want to care but you want to protect yourself. That is the balance you have to find for yourself. I'm just saying that don't take this is as disrespect, take it as your girl just having inner issues. You aren't her therapist. If you don't want to hang with her and her friend then just don't. If you break up because of it then your relationship is garbage. You just have to come to terms with the fact that you can't control the outcome. Let it go, you can't be perfect, only exhibit congruent behavior with yourself.


ALWAYS have the mindset that your relationship could end at any second and you would be fine, maybe even better off. That way if it does then you will be fine and better off Just let go of the whole disrespect thing. This isn't disrespect at all. Disrespect is blatant and that is when you confront it. Your girl makes plans with you and you are ready 15 minutes before and she bails. That is disrespectful. This is just her and her issues. You have to be understanding, but not tolerant. Just don't blow up at her because it makes you look needy and makes it worse. Just understand but if you are against it then don't tolerate it.

"I feel disrespected but the root of feeling disrespected is neediness."

Dude, you are so right I have come to realize at the root of my feelings is neediness.

"This is exactly why relationships are so difficult. You want to care but you want to protect yourself."

Exactly! It is a huge struggle for me when my girl acts like this. I hate it when she always wants her friend to hang with us. It makes me feel bad in several ways: 1) Like I am not good enough for her when we are alone. 2) She values her friendship with her more than with me. 3) That my girlfriend was tighter with her friend back when she was with her ex-boyfriends.

My girlfriend does have some major inner issues, which how you alluded to, is probably the root of her thinking she will loose her friend.

"ALWAYS have the mindset that your relationship could end at any second and you would be fine, maybe even better off."

"only exhibit congruent behavior with yourself."

Do you mean to let her inviter her friend to hang with us and not let it get to me?


How do you get this mindset? I can honestly say right now that I don't.

Thank you very much for your excellent insight!

You feel bad. Why feel bad. Never feel bad, love life whether you have a girl or not to validate you. If you don't feel good enough that is because YOU don't feel good enough. That is not in control of your emotions, state or anything and is not attractive. So you confront her about it which is even LESS attractive.
This is what I would do because you should be the frame like I am just happy living life and everybody is a cool person. But if it gets to a point where you have no alone time with her and you start feeling like this relationship is causing more pain then happiness leave. You would only stay because you don't want to be alone. The more you tolerate, the more you resent.

Congruency means you do what you want at all times without consulting anyone else or anything society has taught you to be right or wrong.

To me it sounds like you are just insecure about it, which if that is the case you need to work that out or else you will cause your girlfriend to loose attraction for you which will end up being a HUGE issue that you really can't recover from. Just let it go man who cares? Hang out with both of time or don't, just do what you want. Who cares what your girlfriend thinks, if you have to be walking on eggshells then find another girl.

Thanks a lot casthenova It was tough to hear, but it i'm glad you said it. You are also right in the fact that it isn't really a huge deal. My girlfriend does make time for me alone as well.

The thing that just erks me to no end is the fact that my girlfriends friend had a part in my girlfriends infidelity the last time we dated. See my current girlfriend and I dated for a long time about 3 years ago. We had a good relationship (lost our virginity to each other), but my girlfriend started getting abusive and shit. Well I didn't know how to handle it and I kind of got close to a different girl. My girlfriend flipped out and threatened to kill herself. Then my girlfriends friend got up in my face and we got into a huge pissing match.

I really loved her, but was pressured by outside people to break it off with her. I unfortunately did, but we promised we would work through things. Well several months later, my girlfriends friend brought her to a house party and introduced her to guys she knew. I'll never forget that weekend. We were going to hang out, but I ended up going out of town. I had a horrible gut feeling that whole weekend. I get back and she was acting wayyyy out of character. I later found out that she fucked a different guy that night. Needless to say, I was enraged. She became totally distant and we rarely saw each other. I got the whole bullshit on how she loved me but thought we needed a break, whatever...whatever. So shortly after we broke up and I changed my phone #, because she was still trying to contact me.

Finally about a year ago we met up and rekindled our romance. She went to therapy for her abusive behavior, but like you mentioned, she still has some inner issues.

I also learned through the grapevine, that my girlfriends friend was largely responsible for my girlfriend turning into somewhat of a whore while we broke up. She introdoced her to many more guys, a couple of whom she ended up fucking. Right now, my girlfriends friend and I get along fine. But her friend sometimes she likes to reminisce about their whorish endeavours together. My girlfriend does not encourage it, but the couple years where I wasn't in the picture, was the highlight of my girlfriends friends life.

You said how you have a similar problem with the girl you like. Does her friend ever encourage your girl to act slutty or rave about other guys or any other disrespectful type of behavior?

Thanks again