Introduction
In my relationships, I've had a lot of successes and a few LTRs, but never been 100% sure what worked and what didn't work and why. Now as I consciously gain experience, I'm nailing down what works and what doesn't, gradually through the process. So this kind of stops after Day 2 because I haven't consciously taken things past that point and experimented enough in that area in recent times. I guess since I wrote it, maybe it mostly pertains to me and the areas I need to pay attention to, and relies on skills I already have, but I tried to make it as general as possible. Feel free to point out where you think this might not be the case.
There are only vague "phases", I'm not nailing anything down to the level that Mystery does. You NEED to be flexible and spontaneous. And having discreet steps is bad, because it puts you in a "should I do this, or did I do the right thing" mindset, which takes you out of the moment. You will not get good by memorising steps, you will get good by being in the moment and gaining real experience through exposure.
I don't think you can literally get "any girl", I think maybe 50% of girls you just aren't compatible with, and the other 50%, something is possible - whatever that may be; friend, one night stand, fuck buddy, short date, long term relationship... etc. I think it's good to accept that. So this is not a cheat sheet on how to get any girl, but rather, what I believe is the real problem - not screwing it up with the ones you have a chance with.
There are 3 levels so you don't get information overload - headings, content, and tips. You can skim over the headings for a refresher before you go out. Maybe even the content - but the indented tips are specific examples if you are really lost.
But you won't benefit from this by "memorising" the details and trying to remember them in the moment. Instead, go out there, follow your desires, and when you get confused, the answers are here, and next time it will come to you in the moment, because you will remember how it went badly last time, not because you memorised this information here. And, don't follow anything written here when it conflicts with your strong desires in the moment.
GENERAL CONCEPTS: Stay in the moment. Follow your strong desires, otherwise follow your rules. Never act out of fear - instead, be flexible about the outcomes.
When you're attracting a girl, stay in the PRESENT. This is most everyone's biggest challenge.
Doing either of the following things will cause you to stress, and take you out of the moment;
- When you're worrying about what to do next, you're in the future.
- When you're worrying about if you did the right thing, you're in the past.
You have to train yourself to ignore those fears and maintain yourself in the present.
- TIP: Examples of when you CAN do those two things;
In moments of solitary contemplation, after the girls have gone for the day
In an LTR, when you are having an argument, it can be very sensible to calm down and think ahead about the best course of action, to stop you from saying something stupid.
Then, when you are in the moment, YOU STRONGEST FEELINGS ALWAYS COME FIRST - before anything written here, before any social norms, before any time constraints... if you don't follow your feelings you will CERTAINLY regret it later. ALWAYS follow your strongest feelings, and ONLY when you don't have them, follow your rules or things written here. Don't go somewhere wishy washy in between: Don't second guess your strong feelings, and don't hesitate to choose a rule when there is no strong feeling. If you want to try something new, make a conscious choice to experiment, don't do something or avoid doing something out of fear.
- TIP: When there's a girl you think is super important, this doesn't mean you need to try something new or fancy. It's the opposite - you go by-the-book with what you know works - follow your feelings, dating locations you know well, etc. Then you will be super comfortable and confident. Everything else was a practice for this girl, and now you're good at it. Not to say you have to know exactly what's going to happen, for example you can take her to a new show that just came out in the theatre, it could be great to share a new experience together, but you better ask around, read reviews, and be somewhat confident that it's unique and entertaining, or funny, and not crap or depressing.
And secondly, be flexible. Don't worry about the outcome of anything, just be prepared to change tack and keep rolling no matter what happens. Trying something, being rejected, then continuing on with something else, wins you way more points than not doing anything.
- TIP: Often times when things go bad it's actually a great opportunity to show an awesome aspect of yourself that you wouldn't otherwise get to show. This is not some new-age shit, this is for real, I live by this.
In the beginning, move quickly. Create a feeling that you have some "magical" undefinable connection between the two of you. Escalate physically at every opportunity, so long as she's not uncomfortable.
Girls like to think there's some "magical" undefinable connection between you two, where everything just works. So get right in, talk to her, get her to talk about her feelings on things (preferences and why, dreams, ideas) and respond to the ones you like, so you can agree with her, and show increased interest, and of course always be looking for excuses to build kino.
- TIP: In a club situation you won't have a detailed conversation, but you will be able to exchange simple concepts, like a shared interest - eg. dancing, oh what kind, etc. hey I know a great class... also great excuse to have to lean in close to talk, if the music is loud. One time I had her singing her song right in my ear and our hands were on each other, it was the perfect moment for a kiss.
Never be shy, don't hesitate, if you make eye contact don't break it out of shyness, smile, be happy to see them, and when you're both touching each other and she's not backing off, escalate more, and when you are REALLY emotionally overwhelmed to do something physical with her, do it. The stronger the emotion, the less you should be holding back. Don't put it off - that is the perfect moment you were waiting for.
- TIP: Some girls just freeze up when you escalate physically, this is a sign of rejection and discomfort, so be mindful. Look for "reciprocation", if she starts putting her hand on you in the same way, everything is all good. Besides, if you back off, and she decides she sent the wrong signal, she will want the good feeling again and reciprocate very soon after.
- TIP: If you break the flow of things by waiting - you may get a second chance MAYBE, but you definitely won't get a third. This is probably the make or break part of the phase, where she will decide emotionally if you are a sexual being, or a friend. Once the flow is broken, and especially if you confirm her "suspicions" by repeating the mistake the second time around, she will reconfigure her decisions and memories to put you in a friend light and justify all her previous actions as "just flirting", and you will sense her getting colder, and if you try to escalate at that point, you just become Mr Stalker. If she is still giving you a chance at that point, she's really desperate for a partner, but because the flow is not followed, in my experience, you won't feel attraction for her either, and it will just feel wrong, and not exciting, even if you sleep with them.
Give her a taste of what it's like to not get her chance with you, then set up a date before you leave. Never ditch your friends for her.
When you detect it's going to get boring and not move anywhere, end the situation - say you have to get back to your friends, get where you were going - for real, its going to end. Don't be too "aloof" because it may backfire and she will suddenly go cold and convince herself she never liked you or never had a chance with you - just let her believe you might go and she'll never see you again. This is to set the reality of how much you mean to her. Wait for her to respond, then say you enjoyed the conversation or whatever it is you were doing, and set an exact date to meet with her. Don't worry about exact details, can sort that out later, that's why you swap phone numbers. Don't get her number and call her later and try to set up a date, it doesn't work. Don't ditch your friends to follow her, use them as an excuse not to, and to set up a date.
You want to go hard-core Casanova and boldly ask her out to dinner. There's nothing like being swept off your feet if you're a girl, and she knows exactly what your intentions are, and you don't sound like a creepy "friend" person, and you will get more respect this way, out of being honest. If you are hot for her you should be able to find it within yourself to do this. However, it should not be "just dinner". Instead, upcoming events that you're attending are the best things to invite her to, or things that you talked about, eg. a dancing class. In absence of those, have some things ready that you know are good ideas, and just pick whichever one feels good. Tell her you're going clothes shopping, or farmers markets, and say "Why don't you tag along." or "I like you - I want to get to know you" are some examples, but you should say whatever you feel comfortable with. Just don't ask her, TELL her it would be a good idea. When finding out if she's free, you can say "I hope you're free on X". If she's not , then you can put the question to her - when is she free next. (If she is vague and dismissive - then it's a blow off, and you can leave this one, tell her it was nice talking and have a great day.) But when you get a date set, no need to plan out specific logistics, that's what swapping numbers is for
Good excuse to call her closer to that time, build comfort.
You will know if this phase went by how you feel after she's gone. If you feel good, you did good.
Plan the details of the meetup. Phone her with the details, make it a fun phonecall.
Now you can plan what you're actually going to do together - you may have mentioned one thing, eg. dancing class, dinner, but now you will work out what kinds of things could happen around that, from something as simple to a walk in the park, to a great activity like ice skating. One activity either side of dinner should be enough, but plan something that could happen at your house, just in case.
If the time for meet up is a long way off, like a week, make sure to fit in some phone calls. If you don't call at all, she might flake, either because she got worked up about what kind of guy she's agreeing to meet alone, or she thinks you don't care. So phone call - they can be to sort out details of meet up, things like that. Be sure to make jokes where you can. If for some reason there is no other exact date set, you can do it here. If it's a girl you know but haven't spoken to in a while and are thinking of starting something, just call and say "I'm just calling to see how you're going." they really like that.
Act on impulses, word things to express exactly what you're feeling as best you can. Don't spend ages wording text messages or emails, don't put it off for later (you won't be in the same mindset), and don't worry about how frequently you contact her - all those will lead to actions done out of fear, and that is what you must NEVER do. Spend the planning time of the message in trying to get to the root of your desire and express what it is you want to say. And yes, you will contact her more than she contacts you, that doesn't mean you're being AFC, that means you're taking control. You are the man, the initiator. Don't wait around for her to contact you, it won't happen, and she will be sad if you don't contact her.
- TIP: If you follow your strong desires, but make every message and phone call count (i.e. take notes of things you want to mention as they come to you during the week, and have them ready when you call, ease them into the convo) then you shouldn't have to send a subsequent message or feel like you need to contact her too much.
When you meet up, be enthusiastic, and have 2 or 3 activities planned at least
When you see her again for the first time since you met, be all smiles, don't break eye contact as you walk towards her, it's exciting, like meeting an old friend. Again, it's supposed to feel like you just have this "magical" connection where you're getting along like old friends straight away.
It should never be "just dinner", you will not get a proper sense of how much you like each other, not enough going on, too boring. If it's on a week day, your opportunities are limited - probably dinner then a walk, because nothing will be open, and movies are only good if you already did a bunch of fun stuff together - cause then she will be all up for you putting your arm around her. So make it clear to her that you don't want to hang around at dinner too long, it just becomes 20 questions. If you're stuck in one place with nothing and no one else to interact with, there is considerably less varieties of opportunities for you both to express yourselves to each other. So it's good to meet somewhere else instead - like, go ice skating, good to build kino, you can keep her from falling over (or fall over together, whatever your skill level, haha), then go to dinner and ask her if anything tickles her fancy. If she seems undecided, choose something for her, or even better, get a shared platter (then make sure it's not got anything in it she's adverse to). The idea is to eat light, chat over dinner quickly, and get out of there, so you can do something afterwards, like a walk in the park, or even a movie is okay if you already did some activity before dinner. You want to go lots of different places so she has a lot of different good memories of you, not one long boring night at the dinner table. As for paying, watch to see if her wallet is out when you approach the counter, then let her pay for her share, or things will get awkward.
- TIP: I like going clothes shopping midday on Saturday or Sunday as an outing. I tell them I have no fashion sense and really need some female advice (especially if she dresses well, because I'll use this as an example). There's no need to actually buy anything either, only if you really want to - otherwise you can occasionally say how her input is giving you more and more of an idea, then at the end you can say you're pretty sure now - you'll either get X or Y next time. Out shopping, there is good opportunity to kino and act like boyfriend and girlfriend, and possibly some spontaneous opportunities may arise, and things to comment on and more opportunities for jokes and conversation starters, and definitely people (shop keepers) to strike up 3-way conversations with and make yourself look sociable and friendly. You can get lunch together and have a little romantic meal that way.
After your 2 or 3 activities, try to read her vibe. If she's ready to leave, end it there. If she looks like she doesn't want the day to end, that's when you can ask her about what she's got on, as a point of conversation, and if she admits to having nothing on - she wants to do something with YOU. That's when you bring up your activity you had planned for your house. Could be a DVD, some photos you took, a new video game you want to show her (I've used all 3 of those excuses
) It's best if it happened to come up in conversation before, then it segways nicely eg. "I could show you those photos I talked about." So if it somehow comes up in conversation, like as a related topic, that's good, eg. was talking about dress ups and the photos I had of my recent costume weren't on Facebook yet.
CHAT