Ok. I need advice here and opinions.

So Ive been dating my girlfriend for about 6 months now. I met a male friend of hers who was visiting from her hometown, 12 hours north from where I live. She described this male friend as a really good friend from highschool who dated one of her girlfriends a long time ago. She remained friends with him though, despite things ending with him and her girlfriend.

His second night visiting our city, we all went out partying, eating at a restaurant and going to a nightclub.

The next day I checked her facebook and it said that they dated 2 years ago and decided to stay friends. In other words, this would indicate that they were boyfriend and girlfriend previously. My gf had told me she never dates guys who dated any of her friends previously (a quality I like about her). Anyways, this indicated to me that she was potentially lying about her relationship with him.

I called her to arrange a meeting later with the intention of discussing this becuase as far as I was concerned (based on other incidents) it would be a deal-breaker if she lied. I wanted to discuss this with her in private later face-to-face but she ended up making me tell her on the phone becuase she kept wanting to know if what I wanted to talk about was potentially break-up related. When she asked, I said, "I dont know at this point". So she said she would feel bad all the day so lets just talk about it now on the phone.

So I asked her again, how she knows her friend and she gave me the same answer: He was an ex-boyfriend of one of her friends. I asked if she ever dated him? She said "no". Then, I said, "Well, I tried to add him as a friend on facebook and it says that you guys used to date previously."

She then said "Oh my god. No. No we never ever dated at all" She then claimed that she just did that because a couple of years ago, he wanted to make some girl jealous and she agreed to have it look like they dated.

At any rate, I dont want to get into her explanation, becuase at the end of the day - knowing her well enough- I do believe her. I believe she never dated the guy.

What is upsetting to me is she has been sobbing about it now for a long time and acting like I almost gave her heart attack when she thought I might dump her. Also, she has sort of framed this as "jealousy" by me and claiming that I am creating drama when I specifically explained to her that I had no issues if she did date him before I just expected honesty and that anyone would assume something is awry when your facebook information looks like that (Contrary to what she said).

Please give advice on how to handle this and let me know if you think Im acting jealous. Jealousy is really for wussies so I dont want to look that way.

Suck it up. Why are you worried about history.

Fact is we all lie to each other all the time and probably she had some reason that made sense to her if she did in fact lie. More than likely she'd lie because she was worried about your feelings. Ultimately who cares?

If you dwell on this you will screw this up. Trust me. She is with you, be happy about it and get on with your life.

You have only two choices. Screw up the relationship or dont screw up the relationship.

You say that you believe her, that is good, isnt that what matters? So you risk being lied to and she has dated some loser in the past. She might have told you that before you got together, would you have cared as much then? Can you only date girls who has never ever dated anyone before?

So if you trust her you expose yourself to living a happy life with lies all around you, scary. If you dont trust her you screw it up for sure. Which one of the alternatives do you prefer.

You seem to be way to concerned about looking like a wuss. Come on thats just what the "PUA" would say and that is only valid during an initial pickup anyway.

You need to realize that you are asking the wrong question, it is not "am I jealous or not" it is "can I deal with this or not".

The answer lies within, you already know it. Either you can, or you cant.

You are the only one who can know the answer.

Hey guys. Thanks for the sound advice. This is seriously appreciated. I do agree generally with what both of you are saying. I agree: distrust/accusatory behavior will only destroy the relationship

I know this will likely not change your opinions. But I just want to clear up any misconceptions if there are some.

1- I could honestly care less with the fact that she dated the guy before or not. I have met one of her ex-bfs before that she is still friends with. That is totally fine with me. In fact, this bf is her last one.

What would dissapoint me is if she lied to me about the nature of their past )(i.e. simply being a friend and not an ex-bf). Why? Because I find it hard to decipher a reason as to why she would lie about it. Afterall, she has introduced me to an ex-bf before that is a friend. I do not behave in a way that would indicate I would care either way. So if this was an ex-bf, it would lead me to wonder why she didnt introduce me to him as an ex-bf also? It would be like she is attempting to hide something. Rationally or irrationally, this is what bothered me (Nevertheless, I understand that your posts appear to incorporate advice in this direction anyways)

Just understand: If she had told me and explained that she had dated this guy before and there were now friends, I could seriously care less.

But yes, I do look and guage for sincerity/integrity in the women I straddle into long-term relationships. (Of course, I am realistic and know everyone wears social masks) But I do not expect lying on serious issues.

2- Also, just to be clear, Ive already dropped the issue. We had a talk today and she cleared the misconception in that single conversation. I was fine with her explanation and I do believe her. What is bothering me a little now is that she is flipping it on me a little and putting me in the jealousy box. She wants to talk about it later. If that is true or not, that's not a box I wanna be in as it, alludes to insecurity. I dont want to her think Im jealous. I dont feel I am. (I understand there is some sound advice on this also. Its very appreciated)

Thanks again!!!

Girls do a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense to us guys. If we got them there wouldn't be a need for a community like this, etc.

It seems as if you've moved on from her perspective anyway which is good.

I kinda understand what you're getting at because we look for these kinds of mental red-flags and it seems pretty common to do that. For example if you get a call from her and she's really drunk that might be a red-flag telling you she has poor impulse control and then your mind wanders on whatever other impulses she can't control. I definitely get this way of thinking and I'm as guilty of it as anyone else.

But reality is you have to take a risk here and trusting someone is ultimately a risk. You can never really know what she gets up to, if you did know, trust would be pretty irrelevant at that point. I would say there are occasionally situations that make you wonder whether your trust is well placed, but at the end of the day if you're happy with her that's all that really matters.

Don't waste your time wondering about those things you cannot really know, just enjoy yourself and her.

As for how to handle your talk later, don't be afraid to apologise, just tell her that you trust her and everything is cool.

Thanks. Thats sound advice and perspective.

Girls lie all the time (guys as well). Just try to understand why. Is it because she is trying to hurt you (dont think so) or because she tries to avoid a bad situation (like making a big problem out of nothing).

Just drop it and be happy!

Hey man. I understand how you felt in this situation. Jealousy is pretty wussy but it's also just part of being human. Sounds like you guy's are cool now and it's good to hear that. You know you don't have anything to worry about. As far as her trying to put you in a jealous box, just brush that off. Get real busy with stuff you want to do so that you don't have time to think about/call her, etc..., and just generally show her your not jealous by not being so. Maybe do something fun/romantic together as a way to put this in the past. And don't worry yourself too much about if she lied or didn't lie. I understand open and honest communication (which you two seem to have) is key, but we ALL lie a little in life. Take care wakjacko and be well.

Everyone lies. She didn't lie to you about anything important, in my opinion. So what if she dated this guy a long time ago? Be the PUA, and keep your gf so into you that she doesn't even think about this guy, regardless of what may have happened in the past.

_________________
There's a reason you want to be a PUA, so don't lie to yourself.

You want the 10's.

Breaker

Guys - thanks for the input. Its appreciated. For the record, Ive dropped it.

Just to follow up if any of you care about conclusions or wanted to lend any closing thoughts (always appreciated by me!!)

So after I had already dropped and texted her multiple times: "No worries. It was just misunderstanding" etc. She continued to feel upset about it.

She claimed later that evening, she called her mother and spoke to her for 2 hours about this. Her mother allegedly felt she was too excited and over-reacting. She said I nearly gave her a heart attack because she thought I was going to break-up with her over something something she viewed as small.

I reassured her it was just misunderstanding, claiming it wasnt big deal, dont worry about. I did, however, take a few minutes to explain that my inquiry was not related to jealosy, just simply me responding to an inconsistency (Obviously, some of you may or may not disagree that this is jealousy but either way, I didnt want the label so I rejected the box!!!) Anyways, I seemed to convince her of this.

Strangely, this little five minute conversation however sent her in tears. I cant really analyze why but she has cried spontaneously over less important things before so Im just writing it off as typical emotional chick behavior. Who knows.

Anyways, we proceeded with make-up sex etc. so I think Im good here folks. But thanks for your feedback. Always worthwhile reading.

Good move. You took the reins, acted like a man, and explained to her why you were upset. All good things.

_________________
There's a reason you want to be a PUA, so don't lie to yourself.

You want the 10's.

Breaker