Hey guys,

Okay so in talks with the girl I broke up with, chance of getting back, y'know.

We were talking things through and she said she doesn't like my positivity.

She says when she comes to me with something that's made her angry/upset, she likes how I try to understand what's wrong, but then she hates it how I'll always try and show her the positive side.

Now, here's what I know:

Women are more emotional.

When a woman comes to you with a complaint, you should first ask how she feels about everything, get her just to talk openly about the problem.

Then when you have a better understanding of how she feels / what's causing it, you can offer advice.

I do this.

However, sometimes I have said things like "It's no big deal hun" or "Don't worry it'll get fixed".

She said she wants me instead to basically tell her whatever she's going through SHOULD make her feel upset, or angry. Tell her she SHOULD be upset - wtf ?

Is this normal ? How should I respond to her 'request' ?

Is it a shit-test ? I don't know. I need help.

Why the fuck do u want to be with her, seriously ask yourself this question. If she says something as stupid as that, Simply tell her... this is who i am... im a positive person... id rather be happy about what i have... then be fucking emo about what i dont.. . Once again why do you want to be with a girl that questions a Positive attribute that you have..

Because she feels like you don't understand what she's going through. Sympathize with her. I always say stuff like that. "You have the right to be upset". "I understand why/how you feel like that". Then you add in your opinion, I think this, but if you think about it this way.. blah blah

Honestly mate, she sounds like an awfully negative person and people like that can drain you emotionally. keep away from her. But if you REALLY feel like you can salvage this, take some time to comfort her. remind her that your there for her, but dont downplay her problems. Remind her that you know shes a strong girl and that she can come out of it, but let her deal with it on her own. Shel appreciate the space and wont make any stupid comments about your positivity anymore.

Legacy

Well well well... this is a very good question...

READ MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS!!!!!!!!!!

The book will answer all your questions about this subject. From my own humble paraphrasing, here's basically what's going on:

She comes to you upset about something. She's frustrated or sad or whatever. You listen intently for a little while, and she opens up to you about it. After a while, you offer advice to fix it and that gets her upset. why?

Really, when she vents to you, it's not because she wants an answer. She vents these things to you because these things are bothering her and she's looking to you for comfort. Like a little kid that cuts his knee and goes to his mommy- he can get the band-aid himself, he went to her for the motherly kiss-to-make-it-feel-better. She DOES want you to tell her that it's okay to be bothered.

In PUA terms, she's seeking your approval because she feels like the thing that's bothering her is a kind of IOD from the world. What she wants is some IOI's and for you to lend her your value. She doesn't come to you because your value is too low- she comes to you because your value is so high.

The correct thing to do in those situations is to bite your tongue for the 45 min it takes (yes, it sucks- don't take it personally, it's a woman thing). Listen to her and give her the "I understand" attention she needs. Separate from your "Gotta Solve the Problem" instinct. Basically she will vent until she runs out of energy, then she will start to feel better- and you are the reason. The analogy from MafM, WafV is, she's like a wave. You have to ride the energy until it crashes, and then things will get calm again.

This is one of those mature lessons that guys learn when they are a little older. *Real* listening to your woman takes energy. And the shutting-up part is SO FREAKIN HARD!!! Especially when you want to say, "Look. I can solve this in 5 minutes flat. Can you stop now?" I've been there a lot- my girl averages about one venting session every two weeks (not including the period monster)- and it's a learned behavior to handle them. But think of it as the emotional equivalent to her as good sex. Do it right, and you'll be the first guy to make her feel that way, and she definitely appreciate it. For a long time.

_________________
-The good can never be measured, but the great can never be controlled-

It depends on the type of positivity really, if it's delusional it's as ANNOYING as hell. (I can see her side here because my parents are sometimes like it with me)

the best example that i can think of is that a quite a while ago i was going through an unplesant breakup, to which my mums consolation was "nevermind, at least it was only for 3 months" which merely led to an argument... not helpful.

my point really is that every cloud does not have a silver lining, and sometimes people just want you to aknowledge that their situation sucks abit, rather than pointing out some unrealistic "positive" side to the coin.

You're probably right about my situation. But every thread I make I learn more and more and develop myself a little bit further and my understanding of the way Relationships work - it helps to have somewhere to vent my confusion and just get some clarity.

Thanks to everyone for the useful feedback, a lot of you just re-inforced what I was already thinking, but some of the tips on how to handle this in the future were brilliant.

Haha, fair enough.

Tbf, I know I'm scared. I know this isn't good for me, I just ... ugh, if I say I don't know, it'd be a lie. I do know, I just don't like the truth. And I don't want the hurt that I know will come when it's finally over - esp. if I see her with another guy in a week or two + I'm not with a girl, insecurity ? Immaturity ? Yea, I know, I'm working on it, it's just hard.