Can't Smile Naturally on Approach



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PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:40 pm 
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I can't smile on command without it looking obviously fake. My cheek twitches, my smile looks sinister, I show more or less teeth than normal, my eyes might squint too much. Very forced. I look anywhere from the creepy BK king to someone nervously smiling to someone who looks incredibly smug and confident - something that I could not back up. Maybe if I were someone who could walk up and say, confidently, "Here's my fake smile, I'm going to some nasty shit to you if you're so lucky" I could get away with doing the last smile. Even then it might be a bit too off-putting and predatory.

I'm also under the impression that if I don't smile right away they'll be much less comfortable, much less attracted, and it might not even be worth it if I can't open with a smile. I have no problem approaching if I decide not to smile unless it's totally natural, e.g. I joke, she laughs, I smile. But if I don't make the decision to not smile, I can't approach.

I am not convinced my smile will improve with practice. If anything, I'm going to crash and burn after my creepy and/or anxious smile somewhere close to 100% of the time, and at least partially attribute it to my smile. I'll be too busy kicking myself for not pulling off a good smile to be able to focus on my game and then afterwards I'll be discouraged because I simply don't see how practicing it will make me want to smile naturally. I've tried the thing where you force your face into a smile (i.e. put a pencil between your teeth) but I don't notice a difference personally. The size of the effect varies from person to person, after all, and it has to be a much larger effect than what is often considered 'statistically significant' in an artificial experiment to really be that relevant anyway to the average person during their day. If you have good reasoning why my smile would become more natural until I don't fail, I'd like to hear it.

I'm generally an anxious, depressed kinda guy but I also like having sex, having a girlfriend (or fuckbuddy), and I've got a lot to give in terms of relationships (friendship or romantic). What I mean by this, being an anxious and depressed guy (re: AFC), is that I'm not "having a good time" at a club until I'm succeeding, so no, at that very moment I'm not happy, but I may be content, entertained, or interested. To me, a natural smile in this situation is sort of a lie. I'm either saying I'm happy right now (I'm not) or I'm much happier now that I've seen you (with my anxiety peaking and lack of confidence). It's also negatively reinforcing. If I don't succeed at it and I don't know how to improve besides, "just do it naturally next time" I'm not seeing how it'll get anywhere.

I've got a few strengths that can help with my inclination to not smile, but I'd like to be able to smile, naturally (or close enough), on command when I enter a room, when I make eye contact, and when I approach. I can make a cocky/funny joke as an opener and smile back when they laugh and smile, but without that I just can't seem to do it. To give you an even better idea of my inability to smile, I can't even smile comfortably at loved ones or close friends unless something about the situation has recently lifted my mood greatly (like a good joke, or great news).

Anyway, I'm sure smiling has been discussed before but I searched multiple forums, approaching and opening, inner game, sticking points, and the few topics I could find that related (nothing with smiling in the title) only offered the couple things I discussed. Being in a good mood (not in a great mood until I'm succeeding or have a history of success, which I don't yet have) and forcing yourself to smile in order to make it more natural (seems like a lie, which is inherently unnatural, and I don't see how it will significantly improve) seem to be the tips a lot of people give. If I'm just completely wrong about how I rationalize that these tips don't apply to me, lay it on me. Don't go easy on an AFC.

Thanks.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:48 am 
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I'm still a newbie/AFC myself, but I'll try to help. First of all, you're right about smiling being important when you approach a girl. Place yourself in the shoes of someone who is being approached. Would you rather be approached by a girl who has a big smile on her face, who looks happy and fun to talk to, or a girl who comes up to you with a straight face as if she's playing a game of poker and is trying to give you as little information as possible?

You could always try to think of something that you think is funny. Just spend a few minutes thinking about funny experiences you've had, funny movies you've seen or funny jokes you've heard. Anything that brings a smile to your face whenever you hear it. And whenever you need to smile, like when you're approaching a girl, just think of that thing/those things that makes you smile. One doesn't need to be in a state of bliss to have a genuine (looking) smile :)

I also think you need to work on your inner game, being happier with your life and who you are will definitely help you in being able to smile when you want/need to.
I don't know much about inner game myself yet, but I'm sure someone else can help you with that. The only thing I can say in regards to this is: try to find out what is making you feel anxious and depressed, and do something about it. Try to think of all the good things about yourself, e.g. what makes you stand out from most other people. Focus on these things, and try to get out of your state of anxiety and depression.

Also try to 'warm up' before you approach a target. Try to be social with other people, just talk to them and get into a talking/being social mood. I think this will help you with smiling when you're approaching your target as well. Already having talked to other people (assuming you do it in a good way) should make you feel better and more relaxed.

And finally, work your way up. I can't really relate to your problem, and I probably don't really know how your situation really is. But try smiling on command with family and close friends first. Whenever you're able to do that, move on to the rest of your friends etc etc etc. until you're able to do so comfortably with everyone you know. And after that, just try to socialize with people in the club and see if you can pull off a genuine smile when you approach strangers. And when you're able to do that, you're ready to try again with your target(s). Sometimes taking small steps and working your way up is better than trying to immediately do what you have set as an end-goal (in your case, being able to pull off a genuine smile when approaching a girl).

I hope this was helpful to you, good luck with it.

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It's important to be aware of your strengths, but even more important to be aware of your weaknesses. Don't consider them as something bad, but rather as an incentive, a motivation to work even harder and to achieve even more.


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