-Since the 5th grade, the exact rules and regulations of American sexual harassment law have been hammered into my head through workshop after workshop. Every year without fail, at least one guy would sexually harass at least one girl, which would necessitate a mandatory sexual harassment workshop for all the male students. By the time I graduated high school, I haven’t been able to easily approach women, because I know the law too well, and know that by the strictest most literal interpretation of the law, any “game,” and even a simple “hi” is technically sexual harassment if she didn’t want you to talk to her. I was scared enough of talking to women when it was an irrational instinct stemming from a small dating pool in a tribal environment, but the addition of a very real and rational fear of going to prison multiplies approach anxiety many fold.

This is combined with the fact that the first time I asked a girl if I could kiss her when I was 17, she said no, and that was cool. We continued to talk until the awkwardness creeped her out and she went home. Later, I was accused of sexual harassment for having asked her for a kiss (overprotective father I think.) After much begging and pleading, citing the potential loss of the college scholarship I had just gotten, the father agreed not to press charges. This empirical reinforcement of the fear made things allot worse.

I am not that afraid of the approach because of the normal reasons anymore, because I study evo-psych and because I regularly perform on stage and in-front of classes. The fear of being sent to prison, however, is still very real and paralyzing. Any suggestions?

Ok, first question is where on Earth do you live?! I have NEVER heard of anyone being charged with sexual harassment for asking a girl for a kiss. Now from the sounds of things you are living somewhere that is just a little messed up and either it is because of your perception of your environment/reality that is causing you to misunderstand the reasons for why things are occurring as they do, or you live in a completely fucked up corner of the world.

My suggestions are to either work at better understanding the rules and guidelines that govern your society so that you are better able to blend in and function without being singled out, or move. Moving is pretty easy in most cases and is often an enriching experience; I've done it several times and I highly recommend it if you feel that you just aren't able to function well in your surroundings. We aren't all suited to live together, just like some people make terrible roommates, some people just don't fit into the societies that they are brought up in and find that once they move somewhere else they have a much easier time fitting in because they find people with similar concepts.

I live in America. I grew up in Hawaii, and I am on the East Coast now. The technical legal definition of sexual harassment includes the words "any unwanted advances of a sexual nature." While it IS true that this caveat is rarely used for anything but the most extreme cases, it still exists. Technically, any girl you have ever gone up to with the intent of closing can, if she so chooses, send you to jail. If the law weren't so broad, it wouldn't be able to encapsulate things that certainly are sexual harassment. Legally it is the lesser of two evils, but it makes learning to talk to women hard, because talking to a woman before she talks to you is technically illegal. It sucks

It's hard to play the Aplha Male when you know that the slightest wrong move could, in theory, make you a powerless to stop a woman you talk to from ruining your life. This has left me on the sidelines, waiting to be arbitrarily chosen by some girl, by no fault of my own. I just want to feel like I have a choice in who I date/sleep with/talk to... whatever.

Oh man when I read about her dad wanting to press charges, that shocked me just as much, if not more, than hearing about the dudes in Haiti who were shot by cops over five bags of rice.

I agree completely with the mod. Unless she and her family have issues or you live in some fucked up country with no human rights, there was nothing legally wrong with you asking the girl for a kiss. You seem to have be having assertiveness issues. I'd to clarify that I've never actually kissed a girl or asked a girl if I wanted to kiss her, mostly cause I almost always fuck up before getting to that stage. But from what I've heard about around the forum, you NEVER ask a girl for permission to kiss her. That shows lack of balls and anyone knows that girls hate guys who don't have any balls. If she's comfortable enough with your touch, I would just slowly move in for the kill if you know what I mean. But I would make sure she wants it by doing shit like stroking her hair or lips before kissing. If she doesn't give any negative signals it's a green light.

You need to work your way up through kino (look up this very key term if you don't know what it is). What I mean by that is basically letting her get used to and comfortable with your touch before attempting to kiss her. Google "kino escalation ladder" for details about what I mean.

As for her dad, I honestly would of picked a fight with him and then say to him "You can press charges for me giving you a black eye instead shithead", cause he's a douche bag and deserves that.

Thank you CV. I am familiar with "kino" on a theoretical level, but if talking to a girl is illegal, then intentionally touching a girl is downright madness. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be able to kiss a girl without asking her permission, but the law is the law. If someone knows a solid defense or loophole, I'd jump at the opportunity, but otherwise, I se no way that I could explain intentionally touching a human femalw to a judge.

Ok, you're over interpreting the law there man. When they say any unwanted sexual advances that means anything that is overtly sexual. Now if you're not waving your dick around in your hand, then saying, "Hi" to a girl won't be grounds for sexual harassment like you previously claimed. Any sane judge would probably give the parent a decent lecture before throwing the case out, if not outright laughing at them.

I talk to girls all the time, many of which probably don't want to be approached, as well as the many of which who do want to be approached. Now you don't always know which type of girl she is until you've played your full hand, but sometimes you can tell immediately. I don't care if she doesn't want me to talk to her, if she looks like someone that I want to get to know, I'm gonna go up there and introduce myself. She isn't going to accuse me of sexual harassment because I've NEVER been accused of it and I've kissed girls literally less than 10 seconds after laying eyes on them.

What's the secret you ask? Simple, I'm not afraid. The people who are slapped with sexual harassment suits usually fall into 2 groups; people who deserve to be charged because they do harass women, and people who don't stand up for themselves and don't believe in themselves enough to make difficult targets. If you're afraid that you're gonna creep a girl out and she's gonna charge you, then you're probably gonna make it happen whether you mean to or not. If you are firm in your belief that you have nothing to fear because you have no ill intentions towards women and you'd never do anything that they don't want, then you're almost guaranteed to do just fine.

Sure, sexual harassment may be something that people are claiming more and more these days, but at the same time that is only weakening their cases. If you don't have any kind of evidence of actual advances that were made against the person's clear intent, then it's a pretty flimsy case and it's discarded. They're not gonna convict someone without some decent evidence because the law states that you are innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven innocent.

Merely saying the girl didn't want the guy talking to her doesn't count as harassment, she needs to have asked him to stop, or there's no grounds for harassment because he wasn't informed that he was doing anything wrong and thus had no reason to discontinue his actions. If she were to ask him to stop or to go away and he continued talking to her and she claimed sexual harassment, then the only way it would work is if he had been making sexual advances, but if he were simply talking to her about a cool movie he saw the other night, or how much he liked her outfit, then that isn't grounds for harassment either. If you can make a fair enough case that you were only trying to be friendly and hadn't meant anything untoward, then there would have to be some decent evidence to the contrary to keep it from merely being a warning.

Like I say though, you shouldn't ever end up there, I know I won't. I'm friendly, kind, polite and I joke around a lot, so I can say just about anything I want with a smile on my face and no one even says a thing. I can tell a girl that she's got an incredible body just begging for attention, but because I say it in friendly way, rather than a creepy predatory way they take it as a compliment, rather than harassment. These are the things you should be focused on learning and that will enable you to succeed with people, regardless of whether you're trying to get their number, or if you're trying to get a job.

Stop thinking about the whole thing as a battle of the sexes and them being out to get you and you trying to discover some secret trick to being able to gain access to something they're keeping from you. Women want men just as much as men want women and as long as you are a decently civil human being then there shouldn't be a whole lot of issues. You need to see everyone as just people, whether they are men or women; just people. When everyone is equal in your eyes, then you will be able to interact with women in a much more healthy way because they won't be your adversaries, you won't be trying to take something from them. That is the most common mindset of men who have found themselves unable to get with women, so I'm assuming from how you talk that you are also in that group (whether you know it or not) and that is why you come off as predatory and had that incident before.

Pickup is as deep or as shallow as you make it, so if you want to make it out to be sexist crap that makes you look bad, then that's what it is, but if you want it to make you a better person that everyone wants to be around and that women want to be with, then that's what it is too. Myself, I've been taking the second road and it only keeps getting deeper and more enriching and people just keep becoming easier to deal with. I suggest you reflect on what you want out of life and then what you want out of pickup and seek out how you can realise those things.

Thank you Ryan. You may have hit the nail on the head there. In retrospect, I do view the dating game as a gender war between "us" and "them." (the next bit is going to sound REALLY forward, but I don't lie or hide anything... my rule #1.) This probably stems from the fact that my mother was a professional con-woman who married and divorced wealthy men for a living. However, on the flip-side, the "us vs. them" mentality HAS made it really easy for me to network with other men (if women are the enemy, then, naturally all men are allies/brothers.) The last time I went out to meet girls at a club, I couldn't approach any, but made countless new male friends,one of which has since turned into a lucrative business opportunity.

I should probably get real therapy to deal with the proverbial "mommy issues" before delving any further into PUA.... actually,I am, but I should wait 'till it's done.
While the first bit was poignant and insightful, the above isn't really the problem. I don't so much want to use PUA skills as I want to know that I have them. As it stands, a woman in any relationship knows, on a subconscious (and often conscious) level, that if it were to end, she would be able to find someone else. The sex I've had has never been worthwhile enough to warrant pursuing in and of itself; however, knowing that I can have sex with someone else if I so choose is necessary for any sense of social equity in any relationship I ever want to be in. In short, if I knew I could pick up women, I wouldn't want to.

Once again, thank you, and perhaps I will see you on these forums when I come back after therapy is resolved. On a side note however, having to wait does make me worry about reaching my "expiration date." I am already 22, and have begun to bald already. While you all profess that looks don't matter, not a single MPUA who I have seen a picture of has a receding hairline.

First off there are lots of guys who are going bald who are quite good with women, actually some of the guys who I've considered the best were losing hair. I know I've been noticeably losing my hair since just before I turned 21, so don't worry. I'm almost 25 now and I haven't even started on my BA and I'm planning on getting a PhD, nor do I have any current relationships, so again don't worry.

Based on some of the things that you mentioned I'd definitely agree that you have some personal issues to work out, but don't worry man, believe it or not over 95% of the people I've met on here and in the community could use a bit of therapy, myself included! I've got issues coming out of my wazu, which is one of the reasons why I have been absent from the forum for pretty much a year. Honestly though, I have had many many breakthroughs in my own mental health and helped many others on here with the same, just by reading and replying to threads and having conversations in the chat room. This is one of the best support groups you may ever encounter if you're honest with the people you're talking to and you are open to constructive criticism without getting defensive (by the way, those are the exact same requirements for success in any therapy). If you feel you need to overcome some hurdles first then by all means come back later, but otherwise I encourage you to stay and work on both things at the same time!

Lastly, I'd definitely discuss the first paragraph that I quoted with any therapist you may be seeing because I can tell you that it isn't a healthy mindset. I've been a pickup instructor in the past and so I have no problem with people wanting to learn the skills, but your reasons for desiring them are a bit like wanting a gun so that you know if you ever needed to shoot someone then you'd have one...but you don't plan on shooting anyone. I hope you can see the parallelism there because most people dislike me comparing pickup to a gun, but it's pretty apt.

Myself, I originally began learning pickup so that when I encountered another girl that I was really interested in I would be able to get her rather than just being made a friend. I wanted to know how to interact with women, but not to just get sex from them. I can go out and pickup girls with a lot of ease if I so choose, but I honestly don't find sex to be that great unless I actually have a connection with the girl, which doesn't happen often, so I rarely use what I know. I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that you ponder that for a bit and see whether that's close to your feelings at all.

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Tip #1: Use opinion openers and set a time restraint.
By first telling her you're not going to be around for long and then asking for an opinion on something you put her in a comfort zone. She now knows you're not going to be around for long and by asking for her opinion you show you didn't come up to her just because of how she looks. There is no sexual tension going on at all at this point, only casual conversation. Just stay away from random and blunt compliments and cheezy one-liners, they will take her out of the comfort zone in a snap.

Tip #2: Use your fear to your advantage!
Just go up to the set, ask for their help in a difficult matter and tell them you have seen several girls in here that you like and is thinking about talking to, but that you have a fear that they will be creeped out and accuse you of sexual harassment. Ask the girls for advise on the matter and discuss the topic for a while. When you've established that you're a nice guy, start to act out short scenes with them. You can say: "Okay, so if you're the girl and I want to talk to you, do I approach like this or this?" Get the target to play the part of a girl and ask her what she would do if she's interested in you and what signals you should look out for.

The only problem with this approach is that it can easily get stuck in a state of JBF (Just Being Friends), but then again it's a good first step if you're having trouble opening sets at all. It might also give you a few good lady friends who can help you in your game, something that is very good to have.

if sexual harassment is someones worry they might be going about things wrong