DAY ZERO.


I was reading Stormy's sticky above, when I came across the following passage:
I started it an hour ago, and right now I feel like I've had my fifth tube of Pixie Stix. Read: I feel AMAZINGLY happy and hyper. I feel like a fifth grader who's had a whole jar full of candy.

This is going to be an AMAZING experience, I feel it in my gut. I'm as chirpy and confident right now as those annoying bubbly girls who wear bright neon colored clothes and cute artsy fartsy berets.

Guys, I -COMPLETELY- recommend this experiment. I'm going to be posting reports on it over the next several days. Stormy took 32 days to complete his challenge, and I'm hoping it takes me just as long, coz if the way things begin is any indicator of how they end, then this is going to be a life-changing, POSITIVE experience for me.

I'm going to bed now. Good night

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

DAY 1 - A Smashing... Failure.
Counter : 0/10

Today started out great. I woke up, and I wasn't feeling as hyper as I felt yesterday, and I didn't feel unshakable, but I felt relatively good, even though I didn't have a good night's sleep. I think I was too excited about the positivity thing and, lame as it sounds, I kept waking up thinking about scenarios with women and how I'm going to go up to them and say to them, on their faces, "I just wanted an excuse to come here and flirt with you."

I got up at 12pm (8 hours of very fitful, interrupted sleep) and I had Uni later on. I showered and got ready. Showering is usually my thinking time, and I got to thinking about the positivity concept, and I was monitoring my mind quite closely. I was VERY excited about not being groggy and sleepy as usual. I thought to myself, "Man, this positivity stuff works."

But I did feel a slouch coming on slowly but steadily.

By the time I was in class, I was this low-energy, aloof Beta who was looking for approval from EVERYBODY. And I failed the challenge about 10 minutes into class, which is pathetic. But whatever. I thought, big deal, I'll just get positive and start again. Shouldn't take me more than half an hour to shake it off now... Heck, I'm a new man..!

But I kept sinking lower and lower, and the lower I went, the lower my energy went, and a low energy guy is NOT fun to talk to.

I saw couples everywhere and went, OH my GOD, am I the ONLY ONE?!

I saw beautiful women and I tried to flirt with a few, and I fell flat on my face. I opened a set, and I fell flat on my face. Wow. i was not going ANYWHERE.

On the bus ride home at 10:30pm, I was thinking to myself... god... why am I such a dork? Why do I feel so negative?

When the truth hit me: I -wasn't- feeling negative! I was feeling OK. I'm not having an off day. I'm not feeling neutral. I'm just LOOKING AT MYSELF TOO CLOSELY and putting meanings where NONE EXIST! I'm saying:

Me: "Oh my god, you feel so shitty."
Myself: "No I don't, prove it."
Me: "Because you're not not (double negative) thinking this thought, you're feeling shitty."
Myself: "Omg you're so right, i DO feel shitty."

Ad infinitum.

Its dinner time, so I'll brb and finish this long post.

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

I've grasped a bit of it, and I'm internalizing this. Of course, there's nothing to internalize---you just have to strip away everything that's distracting you from this self-evident truth. You have to clean the dust from the mirror.

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

Sounds like a hard challenge. Think I might do this one with you if I get balls 2. But good luck ill post on here for ya if you neep a pick-me-up. Haha ur going do it b4 30 days haha.

Cont.

So now I'm thinking to myself.... why do I go through these cycles? And when I'm in the Crash part of the cycle, why do I feel like I'm inadequate or that I'm sad?

Recap: My week (or month, or year) is divided up into random spurts of energy, which I'll call "Peaks", and ditches of low energy, called "Crashes", which follow (as well as precede) the Peaks. In between the two there's a Rise and a Fall, and these can be gradual or they can be really quick (matter of seconds).

I'm not bipolar as far as I know. As far as I know, everybody experiences this.



As far as I can tell, the Crashes are just phases where I feel the opposite of hyperactive. I shouldn't feel unhappy or sad. Many times I don't feel any negative feelings at all.

But Peaks are SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!! It's like eating five thousand packs of skittles in less than five minutes. WOW. HYPER!

But the problem arises when I'm in either phase and I start to socialize. When I'm Hyper, I'm a dick. When I'm in a Crash, I'm a bore. Wtf?!

Has ANYONE!!!! EVER!!! Experienced this?!!?

I've decided to make sure that I don't fall on either extreme. I want to be in a perpetual, neverending plateau somewhere between Rise and Peak. This positivity challenge looks like its the answer.
Thanks =P I hope I do it before 30 days. Stormy claims he did it in 32.

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

DAY 2 - Value Neutral
Counter : 1/10

Today was an empty day. Didn't do anything active, I was in my room most of the time. I started listening to Tyler Durden's Blueprint. It made a lot of sense to me. Went over the concepts of RAS and Magnets for the first time, and I was applying that to situations.

But I wasn't exposed to any stressful situations. It's vital to be exposed to be in a crucible, for the Challenge to work.

I'll be completely honest: I have no life at the moment. I'm at home everyday except Monday and Thursday, which is when i have class. I'm quite isolated because there's nothing to do nearby, I don't have a car, and public transport is cumbersome to use. The buses come every 30 minutes, to get anywhere at all I need to take at least two to three buses, which takes me a total of 1.5 hours minimum including travel and wait time. I have no job. Monday and Thursday both are 4pm-10pm of class plus an hour of travel before and after. I sometimes have friends over for the weekend, or I hang out with them somewhere else.

I'm not saying this to claim sympathy, but to outline what my lifestyle is at the moment. I hope that somebody can take some value from my journal, and tell me about their experiences. (I don't really care about how chode I look here)

But yeah, I'm just floating right now. Nothing to work on except inner game.

I'll call today a success and leave it at that.

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

Day 2 Correction: Count back to 0

Okay, I've been feeling bluesy, so I'm going to put the count back to 0 for honesty's sake.

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

DAY THREE - Drifting.
Counter: 1/10

I got up at 1:45pm today. I don't have much to report--listened to Tyler Durden's RSD Blueprint, got to Day 2 and stopped. His stuff is interesting.

---Part 1

A friend called at 12:00pm or so. I called back after i finished lunch. His wife said he's in the shower. I called him back again at around 7pm . He said he'll call me back.

I was looking at myself throughout those transactions, and I noticed that I'm very power-oriented. I look at people in a greaterthan-lessthan way, and I have to stop that. Its a function of my childhood---in childhood, I never understood power relationships on a conscious level, and I was quite clueless about who's in charge and whatnot. I thought that we are all brothers and sisters in this great big beautiful world. I thought everybody my age was equal and special and unique and everybody was my friend, and the grownups were always in charge.

Of course, later in my life, I realized that I was wrong on all counts.

I was reading Dune at the age of 12 (for those of you who haven't read this amazing scifi classic, get it, it will change your life). The idea of the Bene Gesserit permeated my mindset. I wished that I could pull people's strings and make them dance to my commands at my whim.

Now, I have a power-centric vision that makes me great at Risk (i am SUCH a nerd at times ) but horrid at interpersonal relationships.

Why does this viewpoint make me horrid at them? Because I keep wondering: Should I call him/her back? Should I ask her out? Does he want to be my friend, so should I ask him if he wants to hang? Do I want to lower myself by apologizing?

Note to self: STOP!

Does ANYBODY else know what I'm saying?

---Part 2

I watched a bit of Battlestar Galactica (omg season 2 is almost over). I played guitar for the people in the chat room (I'm a sucker for attention ).

That was fun. I never thought that people would like my singing. Because early on when I first tried to sing for friends, they acted like I was a horrid singer. This is what happened:

Me: *sings and plays guitar*
HB4: OMFG you're HORRIBLE! STOP! MY EARS! *giggle*
AFC Friend: *covers his ears, obviously giving in to the HB4's frame* omfg you're BAD
Me:

So now you know why attention-seeking is dangerous: it can lead to the suppression and possible erasure of a PERFECTLY AMAZING TALENT.

---Part 3

Today was a success, but not because of any effort on my part. I was at home all day again, and I was not exposed to any pressures or stresses, so of course I was positive.

And a quick note, I don't count the time posting this stuff as negative, because I'm only remembering negative memories and they don't cling at all. I'm quite happy right now.

---Conclusion

OKAY! That's it for today! Here comes Day 4, right around the corner, I can't wait

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

DAY 4: Still Drifting.
Counter: 2/10

Nothing to report. Tomorrow ought to be an interesting day. University and guitaring in public. Social anxiety levels through the roof? NAH! Positivity, here we come!

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

Day 5 : Nirvana?
Counter: 0/10 - Reason: negative emotions and social anxiety, but they subsided later, not as negative as it would have been normally. Thank you RSD Blueprint.

The way Tyler Durden explains social settings is LIBERATING. Reticular Activation System (in other words, your radar-like focus of attention, always picking up on the most important elements in the environment, and tuning out the less important ones [example, annoying people]).

Practical applications of RAS and self-sustainability.
I took my guitar to school to sing to and impress a girl, but I ended up impressing alot of other people instead. I played in busy stairwells and crowded classrooms, and acquaintances gave me compliments. I PLAYED IN THE BUS! The public transit bus driver asked me to. That made my day.

But I played literally equally as easily in isolated tunnels, and in empty bus shelters at 11pm at night. Why? because I realized that I love to play, and other people should have no input into how I choose to enjoy my hobby (unless its harming them in some way.) I was never playing for them. Of course, their opinion mattered to me about whether I play and sing well---good feedback would make me feel warm inside. But was THAT the reason I was playing? NO! I was playing to entertain myself while waiting for the bus, while waiting for the next class, while waiting for my ride, etc. AND YEAH i wanted to show off also, I won't lie. But the main reason was because i LOVE playing guitar.

Now how do you apply guitar confidence, to girls? Simple: it doesn't matter that she's a female, just like it doesn't matter if the room is crowded. You're not trying to seek her attention, you're grabbing it by being yourself, by singing FOR yourself---by having fun FOR YOURSELF, not to secretly seduce her. you LOVE the sound of your own voice, and you LOVE having a good conversation. Not necessarily with her, but she's a cool person and you do enjoy talking to her. But if she rejects you, thats no biggy.

-----

I didn't feel as much social anxiety today. But I COMPLETELY screwed it up with this girl in class. She decided I was a chode-asshole, and we ended up screening each other out of our realities. I apologized over facebook and she accepted my apologies. It was necessary.

But I didn't fret over it. I felt bad because I'd hurt her in some way---she'd hinted that she had low self esteem, and the cocky funny negs were bringing her down.

She didn't even say goodbye, and neither did I.

Sometimes I guess you have to apologize. Sometimes, apologies make you seem more like a man. My exact Facebook private-message conversation:

Me: I was a jackass today. I'm sorry
Her: apologies accepted
Me: thanks i'll call you some time this week.

I know people will NOT agree with that last line, but I felt it was necessary to bring her value up. Especially since she was the one dropping IOI's and initiating contacts-exchange before.

----

gnite!

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

Making real progress I can see, you hit a strong note with the guitar playing. Do what you enjoy, what makes you happy. Performing in front of people is a big step, especially on the spur of the moment like you did, feeling pressure is what any normal person would have felt but you didn't. You found something that you truley enjoy, and no person can tell you otherwise. Thats what being a real man is, having a passion and pursuing it despite what society throws at you. Now applying this passion towards pickup is easy, women flock to men with a strong inner game, and you have found the center of your inner game in the guitar (metaphorically speaking). Pulling back that tough outter shell and revealing, however momentary, the passion that you put into that guitar and she will value you more as a person knowing that you are capable of showing dedication to something.

But i 100% agree with what you did with that girl with the messages. Its good to boost her esteem after de-valuing it, and now that you have demonstrated some interest she might continue the conversation thread where you can guide it to your favor.

What I do, no bullshit, I walk around and take in my surroundings and then put myself in the surroundings mentally, and tell myself that I love my life. Most people can't paint a picture of themselves in interactions or in life in general, its important to understand that everything that happens you have control over in one form or another. Keep up the positivity!

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Hobbit: Manwhore.inc: So good, it got FatalKill125 laid.
Co-Founder of Manwhore.inc

After reading the descriptions of your personality, interests, & life situation; I have to ask:
Are you me?

J/K. However, good job on your progress so far. What you said about attention-seeking stifling talent is completely true. And it looks like you might still have a chance with that girl...

Thanks for the detailed response bro. I have an eye on your journal....!!

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

Yes, I am your alter ego typing this back to you as your consciousness floats in limbo in the back of our brain.

Yeah bro, I'm just about to call her, then get back to my next post

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.

DAY 6 & 7 - Manifesting the traits of a centered person.

Counter: 1/10

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DAY 6

Yesterday was boring and I did nothing at all, so I'll skip day 6. Also was quite a negative day internally. I didn't get any attention from anyone. Aww. Poor me.

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DAY 7

OMFG WHAT AN AWESOME DAY!!!!

I did the 9th DVD of RSD's blueprint series today. Or at least partially.

So I walk into the 1st class at 4pm, and I'm quiet as usual, not much different. i wore slightly more trendy clothes today, and that reflected in my confidence levels.

Then I decided I've had ENOUGH of being a quiet, silent, Clint Eastwood type.

I dived headfirst into the conversations people were having. I hung out with them. I made emotional connections. I was COOL. I wasn't coming across as needy. I had my own inner rhythm to be followed.

I played tic tac toe.

I told high value stories very naturally.

I was the shit.

2nd class : I wan't to post the audio of this class onto this website because i was telling stories and making the whole class laugh, without turning into a clown. THIS IS A FIRST FOR ME! I used to make the class laugh AT me in high school. Now, the class is laughing WITH me, APPRECIATING my humor. I'm the alpha male of the group. I'm confident and cocky, and funny and good-humored.

I joked with a girl in the cafeteria : "Are you going to sneak that pack of gum out? Are you? Miss cashier, she has that gum in her pocket still!" She's giggling away. I could have closed her, but I rolled off and went away instead. Big mistake, but I'm starting to open single sets now!!!! I'm so confident in my reality!

I made friends and connected with people WITHOUT (significant) ANXIETY! WOW!!

I flirted with a girl at the bus stop. "The 10:45 bus got cancelled" and then I laughed and said "No hahahaha" and she was giggling uncontrollably. I screwed up the close on that one also, I think I DLV'd myself at some point. Some regret, no biggy. She was HB7 with braces. So you could call her HB6.5. But she dressed well and had good attitude, so I'd give her HB7.5 . She was from Guelph. I said "Yeah, I know you're not from here. YorkU girls are all 9's. You're just an 8.5" The negs work! She did comment on me being rude but I took it as a shit test.

I'm SO HAPPY! I'm SO CONFIDENT IN MY OWN REALITY! For the first time in life I can approach strangers without screwing up.

On the way back home on the bus, I chatted with the bus driver, and two other guys. The girl was sitting in the back....... I screwed up, I should've followed her back instead of ignoring her. Whatever, I love myself, and one of these days I'm going to K-Close a girl. I just feel it building up..... WOW!!!

=D

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Stormy: Being friendly to seek approval is needy. Being UNfriendly to "raise your value" is needy. Needy people depend on others' reactions.