Hope this is the right subforum, dont think I should post this under relationships. Please bear with this long post, I need some help.

Ok so here's the deal, I met this girl a few months ago when I was out and we exchanged numbers, though we both were in a relationship. We kept texting back and forth, pretty flirtatious at times too. My relationship ended 3 weeks ago and hers ended 2 weeks ago (she says I am one of the reasons).

We decided to go dancing together and we kissed. The texting increased and she came to my house 2 weeks ago. We made out more on my couch and I told her she had to go home. I didn't want to sleep with her yet because I was really attracted to this girl and whenever I sleep with someone too fast, I lose interest.

6 Days ago she came to my house and we just couldnt resist eachother anymore and we broke our own 'rule' (the one not sleeping with eachother too fast) and had (amazing) sex. After we were done, we cuddled a little and talked and she asked me "So like, are we a couple now?" I told her it would be a better idea to not commit that far yet because we both came out of a serious relationship just 2 weeks prior. She was okay with that and last night she came over again and spent the night, it was just as great. This morning however, I thought she was awake because she was moaning a little as I touched her. I was ready for round 3 so I started rubbing her vagina. She said "No" so I went back to sleep, a bit bummed out. When we were both awake again she was really distant and cold, and I asked her what was wrong. She told me "well, when you were rubbing me while I was still half-asleep, it reminded me of something bad that happened when I was 4 years old" I started feeling bad again and she sort of told me what happened, with her gym teacher.

After this I wanted to comfort her but she was feeling really shitty I could tell, and she told me about how she pushes people away when they get emotionally close to her, and how she doesnt trust people. After I told her she could trust me, but that I would have to earn her trust, I told her "You're girlfriend material" She told me "Don't fall in love with me, I'm not ready to commit yet", which is weird to me because she asked me if we were a couple a week before that. We went downstairs for breakfast and shit was pretty awkward at first (but not because of the girlfriend material thing, it was definetely still the abuse thing). Later on when she left we kissed eachother goodbye and it seemed a lot better, but she hasn't texted me for 10 hours (she usually texts every hour) and it's not like I -need- her attention, it's just that I'm a little worried about her or that I freaked her out.

tl;dr:
This girl has a lot of baggage it seems, and I know I can't help her with it, because she's seen a lot of therapists and that didn't help. I've developed feelings for her and I really like her but I dont know if I can invest emotionally in someone who is so unstable, I KNOW I have to do whats best for ME, but the feelings I developed have clouded my ability to think rationally. Should I text her to thank her for a great evening (and ask her how she is doing), or should I play it cool and wait for her to text me? I dont want to seem like I don't care for her, because I sort of do.

Thank you guys, any input is appreciated <3

Chillburg[/b]

I know that's what I was thinking..I feel like I'm falling for this girl though...maybe that is only stronger because of the hard-to-get act she's been doing since I know her. Weird situation.

I mean I have 2 fuckbuddies beside her and I'm dating some others but I would commit to this girl if she wasn't this crazy, now its really hard for me to make up my mind :s the other girls don't make me feel this good, even though they are way more fun to be around. There's something about this girl that I can't explain..let's hope it doesnt evolve into one-itis, thanks for the reply.

"You're girlfriend material" She told me "Don't fall in love with me, I'm not ready to commit yet", which is weird to me because she asked me if we were a couple a week before that.

This is how women get control back bro, this should come as no surprise. Guys need to learn how to spot this tactic and counter it.

You are better off without this girl, get out while you still can.

_________________
Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. - Robert Greene

I disagree with this. Because, in the end it all comes down to how he feels about this girl and how she feels about him. Telling him to "get out" is the same thing as telling him to give up on her. I wouldn't recommend this.

And if bad things happen - so what? We learn from our experiences.

@ Chillburg:

The girl knows what you want. You've made your point perfectly clear to her. What you have to do now is .... Absolutely nothing. Just make sure you let her know that you are here for her and that's all.

Then you do nothing. Don't text or call too much. Maybe once or twice to ask how she's doing. But NO MORE. You must give her space. This will result in two different ways:

1. She will come back to you - with love as her gift.
2. She won't come back.

My point is that, either way, it's important that you under no circumstances PUSH this thing. She knows what you want so now it's up to HER to make the final decision, and not you.

Best of luck mate!

Sinful is right about this being a way for women to get back in control. But I agree with what you say Zentrode, I texted her about 3 hours ago to ask if she had fun with her girlfriend that she had lunch with and that I had a nice evening with her. Just to say like "i'm not going to freak out about your problems" and pretend everything is cool.

She hasnt texted me back yet, but I will try not to care about it. I don't want to give up yet so if she hasnt texted me or called me in 2 days I guess I'll send a message along the lines of "If you need me I'm here for you, but I will give you your space, see you around". <-- now I know this isnt that good and I dont want to act AFC but I want her to know that I won't toss her aside just because she has baggage, is there any way of saying that without seeming AFC? Shit, I'm always giving advice to guys with the same issues here on the forum but when you're in it yourself you can't think straight.

Thanks for the replies so far guys.

I texted her about 3 hours ago to ask if she had fun with her girlfriend that she had lunch with and that I had a nice evening with her.

She hasnt texted me back yet, but I will try not to care about it. I don't want to give up yet so if she hasnt texted me or called me in 2 days I guess I'll send a message along the lines of "If you need me I'm here for you, but I will give you your space see you around".

NO, NO, NO!! Don't do that Chill, you are having the opposite affect. These text messages are making you seem very AFC. I guarantee she is probably reading your text messages and rolling her eyes.

You are right, it's hard to think straight when you are IN the situation but you have to fight the urge.

Any girl that says 'don't fall in love with me, i'm not ready to commit yet' after saying she loves you is either playing games or unstable, either way you DO NOT need that headache bro.

Don't pretend everything is cool, because it's not.

_________________
Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. - Robert Greene

ok im going to give you a solid reality bitchslap maybe you will hate me or maybe you will totally not-believe me. Just consider everything i say a possible option or outcome and not ''The outcome'' . again im talking in depth about this and im going to give my opinion.
interesting creatures : some girls want to sleep with you because they need to find out if they lose interest or not , (most)girls like these have a twisted way of finding out their own feelings.
If a girl agrees sleeping with you this fast you can bet she wants something from you - your attention or to get over a bad experience, they escalate easily because they experience bad emotions and will grab every outside solution to make it go away.

Self Deceiving : This is a Flag for noticing how fucked up her relationship values are , intoxicated by artificial feelings created by sex she already thought being a couple - good thing you resisted that ! What does she really want from you ?
A red flag : WHAT SHE TELLS YOU no matter what ; don't believe this - you already had sex and so forth and if she really was uncomfortable she wouldn't escalate to sex that easily. as she asked you about being a couple you said no in a certain context ( she probably sees it this way ) and now she turns you down with a excuse about her gym teacher, there is a big chance she made up the story abotu her gym teacher.

What she really thinks ( probably ): She is punishing you for turning her down when she asked about being a couple, But she's afraid of your reaction if she really tells you why she turned down you that morning- probably afraid of turning AFC and losing you. So she plays the victim role so she can control your relationship.
im very sorry to say this but there is a high chance she made that story up and you probably fell for it - giving her control over the relationship.

She's talking about you :
she got emotionally close to you by asking if your a couple and you said no(you didn't say no but she sees it like a no )... now again she showed her emotional vulnerability came to close to you and feels punished and is regretting she slept with you. SHE is pushing you away she acted cold and distant and came up with this story to get control over the relationship and your attention SHE wants your attention. The quote above was about you and the other people she has been with that turned her down.


That leads us to conclusion ''A'' the fucked up relationship values : She wants you to be her BF for purely egocentric reasons, she feels bad about something; probably her former break-up. Now she had a emotional rollercoaster with you she wants to hold on to that feeling because she is not trying to get better by her self but by using other things or other people. She wants her bad feeling to go away and you performed to her expectations - HOWEVER people can only feel better if they help themselfs, going into a relationship with unstable emotions will consume the other person in the relationship.
Therefore she is lying to herself and merely using you to eliminate some bad emotions or experiences, don't feel used you helped her to some degree.

After all of this she feels : : a kind of buyers remorse she played the victim and you fell right into it by telling her what she wants to hear. She probably manipulated you to do this ( part unconciously ) from the beginning, after you told her she was GF material she took control over the relationship and told you she is not ready to commit yet:

3 options and combinations are possible
1. She knows she is fucked up to some degree and tells you honestly she isn't ready.
2. After you made her feel bad and broke her trust by punishing her emotional vulnerability she thinks twice about getting into a relationship with you. The trust is already damaged at this point.
3. she lied to you about her gym teacher and so forth and is luring you to invest - she is merely playing victim and you are buying into it. She is very concious of her manipulation and feels regret to some degree - that's why some girls say '' you are a cool guy im not worth it'' or '' im not ready to commit''.

She got you were she wants it : now you will start worrying about her and investing into her, SHE wants you to give her attention to her and about her problems. This girl probably needs a therapist or a good friend and not a boyfriend , it could be she is mixing you up as friend and BF material AKA she doesn't really know what she wants.

RED FLAG: she has serious inner game - mental issues ... it's possible she could be bipolair or she has a light case of borderline. If therapists can't help her you can't help her, as a former drug addict i can tell you people can help you as much as they or you want BUT IT IS YOU who have to decide to get better.
if people tell your good looking but you think your ugly, you will still think your ugly until you change your thought patterns. YOU CAN'T BE her therapist - it's a waste of time and energy , your not even fully comitted to this person so it's not your responsibility. If you had a great evening you can text her .. nothing wrong with that - you can always thank people for having sex with you.

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Now i see your second reply after hobbits one
you are already telling us 2 things ... ''i would commit if she wasn't crazy''. 1st of all she isn't crazy she is a victim of herself because of her bad emotions. you are invested... she made you invest by the whole story that i typed above, therefore you are already getting in over oyur head. looks aren't important fuck looks , a hot girl that sucks still suck no matter how hot she is.

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your thirth reply
you are merely trying to get attention from her

STOP LYING TO YOURSELF..... you are emotionally involved and therefore you seek attention. you don't give much about her problems like you think, it's your ego you want her attention because your emotionally involved.

here's a good bitch slap for you ": you thanked her for the nice evening and asked if she had fun with her GF AND SHE DIDN't TEXT you in 2 days.
you were being nice to her , and as result she shows disrespect by not calling or texting you. If she really was invested ( oras much you are ) she would already have called you but she didn't, you gave away control and she took control and let you invest more and more.
bitch slap : SHE IS TOSSING YOU AROUND AS BAGGAGE , don't worry you can't think straight right now that's why we are trying to help you.
she is damaged goods ... not matter what options are fulfilled she will remain a damaged girl.
SPOT on sinful.

My last reality bitch slap : you are not really in love with her... you feel obligated in helping her because she plays victim and you invested emotionally.
helping her makes you feel good, but you are merely helping her to get her attention at this point '' you are merely deceiving yourself '' and listening to your ''EGO'' that little voice that says what you want and distracts you from getting objective.

like i said about my drug addiction, you can't rely on other people to get clean and you can't be in a hospital for years. there comes a point where you have to grow up and stand on your own legs independant, she never learned to help herself and she can't deal with her own problems so she is merely trying to use you to solve certain problems or her own, there is a reason no therapist could help her !

at this point i personally would dislike her :

1. she manipulated you
2. she played games she planned out carefully
3 all those fucked up values
4. throwing all her bagage and problems at me after sex
5. she doesn't shows respect and ignores you[/b]

one thing i would do if i was confused.. :"

i would txt message her .. : ''thanks for the sex. ''
i would turn it around .. she manipulated you but now you turn it around and manipulate her in making her believe you've manipulated her into sex.
4 simple words... drastic effects.... she will give you some answers when she reads this.
of course the best course of action is to ignore her and go on with your life, there is no need to disrespect her.

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Well, the thing is, this was in the morning, and i was fingering her as we were waking up, that was the thing she freaked out about because of her being abused when she was younger, that act reminded her of it (it was similar). We had sex a couple of times that night before that morning, so if she really wanted to punish me, she wouldnt have slept with me that night either right? We just had some fun/fluff talk after the sex at night and cuddled so it's not like something happened that made her decide "oh i'm going to punish him now"

I know she is manipulative, because she's been giving me quite some hoops. I remained a strong frame and didnt jump through them. With other girls I can see when they're trying to test me, but this (the 'trauma')seemed like something she really had a problem with.
This could be very true.
You're right, it's most likely my ego..I just can't let go of this situation without really finalizing it you know? I need to hear from her that she won't see me again. I don't care if it's AFC or not, she knows no one I know and I really dont give a fuck if she thinks I'm too sensitive or whatever. I feel that if I just freeze her out right now, that she might think "oh he was only in it for the sex after all" and that's not how it is, so I want things cleared up..

This girl is pretty disturbed and she even told me from the beginning I was going to need a manual for her. I just don't want to drop this whole thing while giving her the impression that she indeed couldn't trust me. If I text her tomorrow with something like "Well, I didn't expect you to ignore me just like that, too bad, but I won't be treated like this, thanks for the fun." I could just leave it behind me, just for 'closure' for myself. If I don't text her tomorrow then there will be a little voice (my ego) saying "what if she was waiting for you to call and you let her down?" and I know that if that is true that she would call me eventually, but fuck, I can't wait that long.

Im stuck in a loop here, on one hand I can't text her, but on the other hand I have to because I'm driving myself nuts waiting for her..I tried not to think about it all day in college but no use, everytime my phone said I had a message, I thought it was her.

Why not give her the gun and let her pull the trigger? I wont be really sad to lose her even though I like her a lot, there are billions of other girls, but I just need to know for sure.

Ok I just talked to her on IM, she was upfront with me.

She told me she felt locked up with me, because she felt like she was in a romantic movie with me or something, because I lit some candles in my room (all the other girls i did that with fucking loved that shit, I dont jsut do that on the first date or whatever that would be creepy, but I thought it would make my not-so-cozy-room a bit more cozy).

She said "If i want romance then I'll look at a romantic movie, if I want to say what i'm thinking about, I will say it myself" (I asked her what she was thinking about when she was just gazing at me when we were recovering from round 2 in bed).

She said "I like going out with you, but I want to leave it at that for the moment. I just want to party a lot, make friends, a guy every now and then"

So I told her "thanks for the fun night, see you around".

Case fucking closed! on to the next one.

thanks everyone for the replies.

WOW... I was almost convinced that she needed a HUG.... Come to find out she's just like all the other crazy girls..... I dont know why that this STILL Surprises me !!! Still after all these years I have to remind myself that NONE OF THEM wants a "nice guy".

Just my reflections... Thanks again for another real life Case Study

Yeah I was too sweet for her, looking back.
The fuckbuddies I still have left, I don't get emotional with them, I don't talk to them about emotional problems, and they are after my nuts like crazy. I AM a good guy to them, but not the NICE guy. But this girl somehow sparked my nice guy instinct again and it just shows that you can ruin things easily if you get involved too fast.

Funny also how every girl reacts differently to doing something like having candles lit in your room. One of the fuckbuddies went all soft on me and was like "oh thats so sweet come here", and another one texted me later on that she really liked the candles. The girl the topic is about apparently hated it lol.

Tonight, I will just drink a couple of whiskeys and scream along with my favourite 'its over' song lol, I'll be good tomorrow, and tomorrow = thursday so going out/having fun/picking up women time here's the lyrics they're awesome. Also the song is really powerful but maybe it's not everyones taste (Hardcore/post-hardcore).

Architects - Borrowed Time

The "YOU..MEAN...NOTHING TO ME...AND YOU NEVER FUCKING DID" part is really powerful <3

lol im still gonna reply
bullshit excuse from her side, still .. woman backward rationalize so even if they got raped or abused they will have sex with you and regret after. she's the type that won't say what she really thinks, useless as GF material. you got yourself a fuckbuddy if you game her the right way but you are too emotional right now. but honestly i think this is her way of saying thank you.

i can guarantee you didn't do anything to destroy the relationship of course you got your share but i think she's 90 % responsible. thousands of guys really try to find out what woman really want - they read cosmo and all that shit. But what woman really want is EVERYTHING and when they got everything they will get bored and dump your ass.
Note there are good woman on this world as well.... we behave well and we have nice intentions - we never get angry or out of control but some woman can make you go crazy.

i felt the urge to smash my keyboard when listening to that song..

peace

_________________
AK-47...When you absolutely positively have to kill every fucking orc in the room
questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526