So I've been pining over this girl for awhile. I mean I've always been prone to oneitis but I never knew the definition before I started coming here. Long story short on the second date she declared her disinterest in a relationship, apparently with anyone not just me (I asked that question straight up two days later after she texted me). Anyway an interesting thing happened last night. I saw her again at this small get together my friend Bryon was having at his place. Totally played it off like I didn't care, because honestly I was starting not to anymore. The whole hot/cold crap she pulls has been getting old for awhile but there was still something holding me back; well at least there was until I got home and went to sleep.

I had such an odd dream, I could see myself and all of my friends ten years in the future. One of the most vivid dreams I've had in my life. I'm am currently working to become an international attorney so this was a pretty rewarding experience overall. Anyway, in the dream I was dating this woman from Spain but I guess I was growing complacent with the relationship. All of the sudden a copy of myself -- sort of the other fork in the road if you will -- came in with the girl in question. I walked over and sparked up a conversation, and you know what? I finally realized how dull and indecisive she could be; and how dull and indecisive a person like that could make me. I could almost see my mind change on the spot. I broke off and the world seemed different.

Suddenly I realized how amazingly beautiful the woman from Spain was. After I stopped going after the wrong type I could see that what I wanted had been staring me in the face the whole time. I could see the exact kind of woman I need. She was beautiful and mysterious, I have a real thing for that mysterious side: almost as if the prospect of a light behind the vale holds endless possibility. She was intelligent, kind, and a bold lover of adventure: a writer of some kind I believe. In a way I think I've always been drawn to indecisive women for some reason. Maybe mistaking those signals for a connection has been more of a reflection of my own shortcomings than the unique expression of which I had been lead to believe at times.

All seemed clear when I awoke, I realized how wrong the kind of women I have been pursuing have been for me. However, more importantly, I realized the kind of man continuing those kinds of pursuits could make me. I saw the true me, the side I've always known was possible but have been too shy to put into action, and this is who I aim to become. After realizing who I am and what I'm looking for I feel as if a weight has been lifted from me. Through internal reflection and external examination I felt a complete breakthrough. So my challenge and epiphany is this: when faced with oneitis, take a serious step back and examine the girl. Take the biggest step you can, and focus on who you are and what you're looking for, and if the woman you've been obsessing over doesn't fit that description on a sheer analytical sense it's time to move the hell on because there are plenty of other women who will; and they're the ones who deserve your time. I sincerely hope this post helps

Nihro, I am certainly glad that this worked for you. What you are saying makes perfect sense actually. However, according to how I see it - your oneitis wasn't as serious as it can get. I'm telling you this through my own experience.

My oneitis is basically an obsession. I think of her all the time, I dream of her constantly and it hurts my soul whenever she does something like flake on me (even if she has a reasonable excuse).

I've actually done exactly what you've described in this post. I took a step back and analyzed her as a person. My conclusion? She is NOT for me. This girl is somebody I should be running away from. Her personality is repulsive!

Like I said, I'm glad it worked for you. However, it doesn't work for me. No matter how much I know that this woman is so wrong for me - I'm still insanely in love with her.

All in all, good post on your behalf.

Zentrode.

That sounds amazing I like hearing about things like that.

Nihro,

Very interesting indeed. Makes me think about the bulk of my dreams in comparison to yours: strange occurrences, events that do not make sense, or other random visions. I am fairly certain that almost all of them have absolutely no meaning whatsoever. It is fortunate that you had a kind of a "revelation" in your sleep.

Zentrode,

I can relate, as I am in a similar situation as you.

Zentrode honestly, the oneitis I had was bad. I've been obsessed with this chick for over a year: ever since we made out on Halloween. There have been times where I haven't seen her but she's always been in my thoughts. To be honest she's been giving me mixed signals since the day that I met her, and she still does this to this day. Every time I see her she stares at me, every time she tries to flirt but then pulls away, and every time I've been drawn to it. However, after realizing how flakey and emotionally immature she is I've finally come to the conclusion that that's not the kind of woman I need; nor is that the kind of woman who deserves me. I still feel those pulls with her but the realization of what I'm looking for and who I want to become has since forced me to acknowledge that these ideals I've been having towards her have been naught but superficial. Yes she is beautiful and yes she is charming and yes, one day, she will become someone I could be interested in. But as of yet she's not worth it, and I don't know that she ever will be because I gave her the opportunity and by the time she's grown up to meet my standards I'll have a lot going for me. You just have to keep who you are and what you need in perspective, the other things will fall into place. I sincerely hope my post will help you. Keep your head up and always push forward.

Nihro, I think I have a better understanding of your ex-oneitis now. I feel that it should help me in a way and it's probably more helpful than I can see. Unfortunately, my oneitis is also my best friend. It's not so easy for me to just break all contact with her and ignore her to get my feelings resolved. I tried this once - and she became suicidal and cried like fuck.

I hope someday that I become as lucky as you and get out of this situation as soon as possible.

Yours,

Zentrode.

I have this problem too with a slight twist. In my freshman year in college i was starting a relationship with a HB10 and i fuked up, many times in just stupid immature ways. That was 2 years ago and ive dated other girls since (didnt work out and im still an AFC). But even when i was dating these other girls i'd always think about the HB10 that i fuked up with. I just checked her Fb a few mins ago and it just sucks seeing it ya know!!?? I did the immature thing back then and deleted all contact and promised myself id add her on fb again when i had a proper gf. still hasnt happened yet and the last girl i dated 'gamed' me hahah that was in november and sucked balls lol I just find it really hard 'liking' a girl because none of them matched up to this one. she was the best kisser ever haha actually i think i learned how to kiss better from her its a funny story but i dont wanna keep writin cuz it might bore ya lol Do you have any ideas for me?? you think my delete everything was a good idea?

At the moment no, I feel that deleting someone's contact details is a way of showing that you can't control yourself inside, so you have to set up external circumstances to prevent you contacting them. I feel ultimately this leads down a bad path. You cut off contact, you send that strong message, you make sure there is no chance of going back. That's bad.

A great analogy I feel, is say hypothetically your friend is dating someone else. Eg. if it's your male friend, he's dating a girl you had a chance with. If it's a girl, you had a chance with her but she's dating someone else. Or in my case, both! Haha. Deleting the facebook details is like not turning up to any party they happen to be at. Has a negative effect on you internally and also to other's opinions of you. If you are able to show up like it's no big problem, that actually has a positive effect on you internally (maybe it hurts at first) and also on everyone else's opinion of you.

That's a tough one ooRya, to be honest I wouldn't have deleted her contact info but that's me; you have to do what you have to do to move on. The point I was raising in this post was that yeah I still like the girl and, probably always will to a certain extent ,but once I was able to take a step back and get a clear picture of the kind of woman I'm really looking for I realized that she isn't it. She's close in many ways sure but when it comes down to it I found her lacking. Yeah she's hot and kind and blah blah blah but you know what there are tons of hot and kind people in the world, that's nothing special. She's also indecisive and immature, and if it was just another friend of mine I would have realized that sooner instead of allowing the oneitis goggles to ignore her flaws along with her strengths.

I know it's hard, but you have to take a step and frame up who she really is, not who you want her to be. There are plenty of women out there, and many of them could probably be better than me irregardless if she's still interested. She likes me and I like(d?) her but her being so afraid to make a stand lost out in the end. Know what you want and go for it, don't let the perfect kiss or the perfect whatever of your mind hold you back, because chances are it's not as great as you've built it up. I'm still talking to her and yeah occasionally we'll flirt, but I'll game other chicks in front of her without hesitating. Good luck man, and remember, not everything was as perfect as you remember.

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"All the dragons in our lives are perhaps princesses expecting us to be handsome and brave, all the terrifying things are perhaps nothing but helpless things waiting for us to help them." Rilke

thanks guys! you both make good points which i agree with. i wont let this happen again!

dude you just blew my fucking mind. Thanks