Hi Guys,

You’re going to want to go get a snack and a soda for this one.

I thought I would ask your opinions about my plan to get my LTR of 3.5 years back.

I know what you’re thinking:
1. this guy has oneitis
2. why try to get a girl back who dumped you when there’s a ton of other girls that can make you happy (happier).

I have considered both of these possibilities, and I’m convinced that while there are certainly other girls out there, that we could live a very fulfilling and happy life together, and I’m not ready to give up on this yet.

So here’s the (long) story of our relationship:

Three and a half years ago I was at the top of my game. I met this great girl in NYC, and it so happened that I was going there for school. We had a LDR for about 8 months, then I moved to NYC for school for 2 years.

During these two years, in hindsight I realize that subconsciously I wasn’t willing to enjoy the city. I’m from Montreal and I wanted to go back there. Because I subconsciously didn’t want to enjoy the city, I never made much effort to get out and hang out with her friends and family, and I complained a lot about traffic, subways, etc.

Once I moved there everything was fantastic except that we would fight way too frequently. Major sources of fighting were that I complained about the city and that I was unavailable, especially when it came to seeing her friends and family. Sometimes I was legitimately unavailable, but then sometimes I wasn’t. In spite of this, we were both blissfully in love during the two year period.

Other sources of fighting included frustration that I didn’t understand what she was saying and that she said that I talked down to her. Both of these were partially mine and her fault, and ultimately not the reasons she broke up with me.

After I graduated, I spent a lot of time intensely studying for the NY state bar exam. Following that I tried to secure employment, wasn’t able to and was forced to leave the country when my visa expired.

From there, although I tried applying to jobs in NYC with the hopes of someone sponsoring my visa, I also had to look in Canada since I wasn’t able to work legally in the USA. With the economy in shambles, I decided to study for the Ontario bar exam, since it was a better use of my time than sitting around unemployed. My ex saw this as unnecessary and likely felt that this would only further lead us apart from one another.

She never once truly considered moving to Canada to be with me. Although I do believe that she could have made some effort, the truth is that she was legitimately convinced that she could not due to her finances. She lost her job and was relying on her parents for support, which would be retracted if she moved away, etc. I cannot fault her for this.

Ultimately, once I become a NY lawyer, I’ll be allowed to work in the US as a lawyer. I did not want to be a traditional lawyer however, especially in NYC where lawyers work 80 hour work weeks. However, after our breakup, I realized that I would gladly give it a shot for her.

In the weeks leading up to the breakup, I feel its worth noting that she lost a ton of weight, and that she is looking amazing.

The breakup
10 days ago she went to her best friend’s wedding, where she realized that she wanted to move on with her love life. She needed to move forward she said. She wanted to move in with someone and live a life together. The combination of both of us being jobless and apart from one another, with no real prospect of becoming local (non-LDR) lead her to break up with me.

Speaking with her on the phone, I didn’t realize what was going on exactly. Its all a blur. 20 minutes after we broke up I tried calling. She was screening my calls. She said she would call after she had time to think things through. I waited hours for the call, but nothing. Out of panic I tried calling several times over the three days before she would return my call. I also sent out emails, telling her that I would drop everything and concentrate on moving back as a lawyer.

She went on to tell me in another email that it was too late. The damage was done, and is irreparable. Moreover, she said that if I moved back, that I might be miserable and would blame her and resent her.

Now that I’m back in Montreal, I see that its not the same place that I left, and NYC is looking pretty good. I get my NY lawyers license next month. I would love to move back there, if she was still in. This time, I think it would be different, since I’m moving there permanently and would make an effort to enjoy it.


Post Breakup
During the days after the breakup I found myself stalking her on facebook and obsessing, texting and leaving VMs. In hindsight it was VERY AFC. She contacted me a couple of times by email, but nothing that would indicate that she’s interested in getting back together. Only that she was concerned and maybe felt bad about breaking my heart.

After a couple of days I got my act together and stopped text-message terrorizing. I waited a few days and I added her back to my facebook yesterday, and she contacted me asking about it, checking to see if I was ok. I told her to “just friend me, dork”.

My 30 day plan:

Interactions with my ex:
-Using JW’s advice, I sent her a letter saying that I’m sorry for being crazy last week and that I realize that this break up is the best thing for both of us. I ended the letter by saying we should catch up some time. I'm hoping this will help to put us back on an even playing field, and possibly to arouse some feelings of self-doubt, but this could backfire if she becomes more certain based on my agreement. The letter should arrive tomorrow.

-If she contacts me, I intend to be friendly but brief and to say that I’m busy. I do not intend to contact her (unsolicited).

Personal Change:

-While I was in NYC I put on about 20 pounds. A week ago I started on a weight loss regimen. I’m down 10 pounds, and want to lose another 15.

-Tooth whitening

My thought process here is that if she sees visible change, maybe she will be more likely to believe that there is internal change as well.

Dating:
I intend to date a little in the meantime. I’m hoping that she will notice the activity on my facebook page, which cannot hurt.

This will also allow me to make sure that its not just a case of oneitis.

In 30 days from the breakup

My hope is to confront her. Tell her about how I have changed physically, and mentally, and I realized that I would rather be in NYC, and about how my attitude has changed, and that things would be different.

Worst case, my ego will bruise, but will recover, and I’ll have spent 30 days hoping for something that won’t happen.

Some of the "get your ex back" gurus say that this is a mistake, that I should get back into things slowly, but I’m at a loss as to how to adapt their methodolody to my long distance situation. I would not move back to NYC on my own, but only with her there, at least willing to give it a shot.

Anyhow, any advice or commenting is welcome. As I said, I’m quite convinced that its not just oneitis, so if we could stay off that track it would be appreciated.

Jpow.

Wow dude you are in some serious shit. You are making life decisions during a time that your emotions are incredibly irrational.

She probably saw the marriage of the wedding, and got hopeful that she could have the idealized version of marriage that her friends had. Then she looked at your relationship and compaired the two.

She has to love you. I hope that she hasn't found another man. Why don't you have a job dude. That shit is going to hurt you.

You can't make your life long career decision based on a women. You will resent her for it. You are not thinking clearly right now. You have to be happy with your job. If you had money in montreal then maybe she would come live with you up there. She wouldn't need her parents money if you had money. You are in a poor place because of your job situation. You need to focus harder, and work more. You need a job.

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Walk Hard

Be careful... women are honestly, truly not this important. I think its a very tall order mate.

My final impression after reading your post is...



YOUR SETTING YOURSELF UP TO FAIL! ONCE YOU START, YOU NEVER STOP!

REPETITION BECOMES HABIT!

YOUR ABSOLUTELY INSANE TO BE EVEN THINKING THIS! STOP IMMEDIATELY!

There... I feel much better now! The forum rules are against extremely tough love, so Ill content myself to a small shout!

Best of luck

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Back, starting over as of 2012.

Yo dude.. I think the other guys are a bit harsh with you. But many of us have been in the same situation. It sucks balls...

I had hopes to get together with my first real gf.. which I lived with for nearly five years. We all go through the same feelings and lows... but it's important to stay positive, meet other people and don't spend so much time obsessing over the gf.

Even if she still has feelings for you and wants you back she won't take you back if you concede all your principles and just give away all your hopes and dreams. People never want anything they get for free. Make her work to get you back. Be friendly, stay positive, make sure she knows about all the ways you change and really DO change.

Chances are she will never get back together with you, but making her work for it and showing that an improved you will surely help your chances.
Important: start dating other girls, don't do it for her... do it for you and be honest when you compare them to your ex. Over time we tend to forget the negative shit.

MOVE ON is the best advice!!!!

Best of luck!!

Random--Thank you for your sympathy, and for the thoughtful reply. I agree, I should meet new people, and I'm having a lot of trouble stopping myself from obsessing. I wish there was a switch I could hit! I suppose I should start nexting, but I'm not sure that I'm ready. Do you have any advice on how to stop yourself from obsessing?

I agree with you also about making her work for it, I'm having trouble coming up with any scenario where that could happen and we get back together because of the long distance. I think you are dead on about seeing other girls and thanks for that.

Impact--thanks very much for your opinion. Don't worry about tough love, I appreciate you taking the time and the well-wishes. I'm not sure that I'm ready to accept what you are saying just yet though.


Magnum--I agree with you 100%, if I had a job this would be much easier. I'm not trying to bore you, but I was forced out of the country back in June, tried to find work for four months, but in this shitty economy no one wanted to hire someone with multiple graduate degrees and very limited work experience. I ended up studying for a Canadian bar exam since its better than sitting around doing nothing, which only exacerbated the problem with my ex.

You make a valid point about me being in a fragile emotional state. I'm not really making any big life decisions though, apart from deciding to drop weight and deciding to confront my ex in about 3 weeks. I know the girl loved me. She ended things because we had no idea of when we could get back together in the same place. In fact I was actually going in the opposite direction when I decided to study for a Canadian bar exam. This, combined with the fact that I showed little interest in her friends and family made her feel like the relationship wasn't right.

I too hope she doesn't have a new boyfriend. I don't think she does, but even if she did or does, its hard to imagine a few weeks with a new man could compare with the years that we spent together.


Worst case, she doesn't get back together with me. My ego will be bruised, and I'll have spent several weeks where I could be nexting. My ego will heal, and 3 weeks seems doesn't seem like much compared to the lifetime of women that I'll have ahead of me.

I am only saying this because I care. If you can't hear my words then you won't change. You need to find a job, and your problems will be sloved. Stop making excuses. Your girlfriend doesn't have any faith in you anymore. You need to show her you are an able man, and you can get a job. Your purpose in life should be to get a job. You can't get a girl without a job.

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Walk Hard

Magnum, I appreciate it and I totally agree. Thanks man.

Just a quick update.

My ex sent me an email confirming that she received my letter in which I told her that I think the break up was the best thing for both of us and that I was sorry for acting a little crazy. For the record, she wasn't impressed that I used regular mail instead of calling or emailing. (This is the girl that wasn't responding to my emails or picking up the phone mind you)

It has now been 2 weeks since we broke up and 12 days since any real contact beyond her sending a couple of messages having to do with who she ran into, etc. I still do not intend to speak with her for at least another two weeks.

In the meantime I've had no choice but to bury my nose in books, but I have found a little time for online dating. A few promising girls, but with the intense nature of studying for the bar I'm having difficulty making time to actually meet them.

My feelings for my ex have not gone away, although I am starting to look at things more rationally. I still find her to be extremely attractive, but she is no longer the perfect-looking person I remembered for one.

I would still love to get back with her, but I do believe that Magnum is right: my getting a job is crucial. I just wonder if me getting a job in Canada would help, or if my only chance is to get a job in the USA.

After some serious thought, I'm thinking that Impact is correct in the sense that I cannot make these kinds of life decisions purely on a woman, but in this case it is a simple equation of NYC+EX>MTL+new girl.

I'm starting to come down a little bit, although I find myself still obsessing. I still find myself checking her facebook, and tempted to contact her.

I would love to have her back at this point, but I think its reasonable to adjust my goal to trying to get myself to a point where in a couple of weeks I can rationally consider that decision.

I do feel like I would feel better having gotten everything out of my system. Some people say that the trick to NEXTING is to either meet someone better or to be completely rejected. I also wonder if I will ever truly feel satisfied by her response.

Thanks again to everyone, and, I still welcome any feedback or advice.

Don't be a douche. You're not a jiffy lube.

She still cares for you too. If you become an able man you won't be so dependent on her for your emotional stability. You should, theoretically, be content with yourself. You are stressing about the perfect girl because of what it will bring into your life. I wonder if stressing over the perfect girl is a solution you are looking for because of a much deeper problem.

For me, accepting that I won't and don't need to get the hottest girl has made my life much easier. I no longer cry at night and feel like a failure just because some bitch of a girl doesn't want to be with me.

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Walk Hard

Its been 3 weeks. I don't think I'll be going through with my plan. I might contact my ex somewhere down the line, but I think Magnum is correct. If I ever do, I want it to be from a position of strength.

With time I've been able to reassess more clearly, and I may have dodged a bullet with this girl. As time goes by I'll continue to reassess.


Had two first dates this week. Date 1 was a bit of a failure. She wasn't right for me, but I definitely screwed it up. I was overcompensating for being out of the game, forgot that I lost weight and was way too cocky and not enough funny.

Date 2 I'm not sure what happened. Girl 2 was GREAT. Probably a solid 8.5 and she got the whole push pull thing. We have a mutual friend and she suggested that we should all hang out together (is this a blowoff, or maybe I wasn't clear enough with my intentions). When I asked her out for our date I told her that I was going to be in her neighborhood and was going for a tea and if she wants to come. Was I too indifferent?

Your doing just find Jplow. It takes a lot of women to get back into the game after a breakup. You will become comfortable with yourself.

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Walk Hard

thanks for the encouragement Magnum!

Did I fuck this up? I'm confused. I don't really know what I want now. Did I fuck this up or is this her being an ass? Is there anything that you guys would recommend?

I hadn't contacted her in 3 weeks. My ex sent me this email out of the blue. All communications were by email:

Her:
Hey,

I'm in Colorado right now. Came for a long weekend just to get away and visit some friends. While I was here I realized I wanted to call you and tell you everything that was happening. I didn't, but I wanted to. Weird, huh?


ME:

Its not weird that you wanted to tell me about that stuff, I'm awesome to talk to. I would want to tell me everything too!

Her:

Very funny. Are you being obnoxious because you hate me?

Me:

What's so funny? I'm just spitting truth.

Her:

OK

Me:

I don't really get it though. Why didn't you just say whatever you wanted to tell me in your email, and why didn't you call?

Her:

Because we hadn't spoken in awhile and I wanted to say hello
first...then your response was obnoxious, so I decided against it
entirely.

Me:
Don't take yourself so seriously. Take another look. My answer wasn't obnoxious. Cocky maybe, but that's just me. Anyhow call if you want to.

Her:
I don't know when you became cocky , but if I wanted to call, I would have. I wanted to email.

Me:
Ok, I'm confused. You said you wanted to call but didn't. You asked if it was weird that you wanted to talk with me, I answered. Anyhow I've had about all the passive aggression I can take for one day so lets just hit the restart button.

No, its not strange that you want to talk to me. We were best friends for over three years. I think its pretty normal. I'd love to catch up sometime and hear about how you're doing. If you want to call that's cool. You don't need to check with me first.

Her:
It's not passive agression. I didn't call because I didn't feel it appropriate. An email was best suited for the situation. Your answer to my question was an answer, but it was obnoxious, so it deserved the response it recieved. I wasn't looking to check with you before I call. I didn't and still do not want to. It was just my way of saying things happened during my trip that made me think of you.

Me:
Haha. Ok Laura its not a big deal.

honestly, but I don't play as most pua's do, i think you fucked up a bit. sounds like she wanted to tell you she was thinking about you, that she was missing you and you haven't been too nice to her. so... do you want her back or not? if yes, don't forget to make her feel good too dude. you could be more gentle with your cockyness. it comes out a bit abrupt, not too likable if she's not into playing mode. it's ok to push her around a bit, give her a few negs. but don't forget to make her smile while you do it.