Whats up guys?

For those of you in a LTR of a few months or more, on average, how many times per week do you and your girl have sex?

I have been with my girl for over 6 months now. When we first started dating, we would have sex or mess around at least 3 times per week. However, the past few months that number has shrunk to about once per week.

She still has a high interest level in me (says she loves me, spends $ on me, spend a lot of time together), so that is not a problem. I think we have a great relationship and get along very well.

My biggest fear is that she is using sex as a form of control in a real subtle way. There are times when she has every intention of having sex and then 3 hours later back at her place, she says she is "tired or has a headache, etc..." I know as a boyfriend you are supposed to be understanding, but at what point should you become concerned that she is trying to control when sex occurs?

Thanks a lot guys.

These things are all great and very important in their own right, but have you considered that none of them actually contribute to her being turned on at all?

She digs you. That's great. Now seduce her already

Your boy,
870

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Thanks for the reply 870:)

"These things are all great and very important in their own right, but have you considered that none of them actually contribute to her being turned on at all?"

Thats true. The fact that she is showing signs of emotional investment is a good thing. The only thing is, she seems to be resistant when it comes to arousal. I'll give an example:

Tonight she tells me while we are driving: " I can't until we get back to my place. I want you to go in me without a condom and then pull out and cum all over me" I'm thinking, hell ya! So we get back to her place. She goes gets cleaned up and ready for bed. I go get the bedroom ready (candles, music, lotions, etc.). She comes in and sees this and says " You really want to do this tonight? (with a sigh)" I tell her to let me massage her and see what happens. She reluctantly agrees. I start to rub her breasts and she tells me how it tickles. So I start to rub another part of her and she tells me how relaxed she feels and how she doesn't want to move. After that she said she was tired, blew out the candles, rolled over and went to sleep.

I was really pissed after this happened. I didn't show her how angry I was, so I just said "ok" and rolled over having my back to her.

In the scenerio which I described above, what is the best method handle this type of situation. I know your not supposed to show anger, but is there a way to properly punish this type of negative behavior?

Thanks a lot!

Wow. I can't identify with this girl at all. But then again, I have been called a nympho a few times in my life. I am always up for it with my man - I initiate it a lot of the time as well and never say no especially if there has been buildup to it like it sounds in your story.

Maybe she is having some other sorts of problems, like she really does love you and care about you but can't get turned on - it may not have anything to do with her not finding you sexy. Maybe there is a problem she feels she cant talk to you about. Other times, women just can't manage to get in the mood- maybe she is stressed about something- her mind is on other things.

Whatever you do, DO NOT get angry at her-like you said you know this is not the way around it. Sit her down and gently ask her if everything is ok. Tell her that you love her and care about her and want her to know she can talk to you whether she is stressed or whatever.

Her not wanting to have sex could be due to a deeper pyschological issue as well maybe.

Do something romantic and sexy for her. Take her lingerie shopping or something- this is tough one. I hope I have helped you out a little bit!

What's up with all this letting her get ready for bed shit?

Seriously man, when a woman tells you something like that in a situation where you can't immediately do something about it (but you're en route to a location where you CAN), it's not the time to ease into bed after she washes her makeup off and performs her pre-sleep ritual. You need to seduce her with a sense of urgency! You should barely be able to spare the attention necessary to unlock the door and make it to the bedroom, and you should both be ripping each others' clothes off by the time you get there.

It really boils down to this: you can't expect her to be insanely turned on by you if you're not acting insanely turned on by her.

And next time she's talking dirty to you on the car ride home, simply take her hand and place it on your crotch. The rest of the evening should hopefully take care of itself

Your boy,
870

_________________
"Do not blame, call out, alpha male, superman, or water sprinkle any hoes. And what will be, will be." -Hobbit

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Thanks for your help 870 and gfopua!

gfopua- you made a really good point when you talk about her being stressed out and having deep psychological issues. Both apply to her. She definetely lets her emotions get the best of her.

Stress - everyone gets stressed out, but she lets it ruin her day. When she gets stressed out, then she gets in a bitchy mood. This is another dillema that arises then: I start to wonder if she is acting bitchy because she is taking me for granted. I feel like a failure if I can't help her manage her stress.

Psychological issues - A little history: We had previously dated for about a year and a half. We then got back together after being apart for 2 years. The first time we dated, she had some major issues. Which caused a downward spiral of events that led to our breakup. In that 2 year span, I had got into a relationship with another girl. We eventually ended it and now I am with my girlfriend. She is so hung up on the fact that I was in a LTR with another girl. She tells me that she constantly thinks a whole bunch of things about me and my ex. I reassured her many times that I have no feelings for her and I would never do anything to hurt her. She says she totally understands, but just feels horrible about the thought of me being with the other girl. Which is hard to understand considering she was with a handful of other guys.

870 - When she was talking dirty to me, I told her to feel how hard I was. She did feel it and even rubbed it for a minute. From the time she said this, to the time we got home, was a little less than 2 hours. Her insanely turned mood had changed when we got home so I tried to set the mood while she got ready. I thought she still had every intention of following through with what she said. But this type of situation seems to happen a lot lately. What would you suggest the best way to handle her flaky behavior?

Thanks again!

pardon my french again ..
.
but What the fuck are you talking about .. ? you got sex once a week now ?
so what ? is it that bad ?

i know people who don't fuck for weeks or a month ... i once had a relationship and we had sex once per 2 weeks.

Your relationship is ok, sex is important and it isn't missing ...

i think Girlfriendofapua has a good point !

now don't think she uses it as a form of control .. thats total nonsense...
if you really think that then go play games and withhold sex when she wants it..
if you go on vacation sex often mulitplies .....

1 time sex a week is normal.... especially if she wants it 1 time a week
if you want more sex then go masturbate ... submit her into sex .. or go to a prostitute.

you should be happy you got such a good relationship... i had relationships with girls who did want to fuck 24/7 but really they were so bad in relationships and communication.

if i want sex but my Girlfriend doesn't want to . i just masturbate in bed and she can watch ... really ... believe me she will feel stupid.... im quitte radical but ... i often do this when woman use withholding sex as a form of control.

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Hmmm this is a very tricky situation. It seems like you are doing everything you can to please her but she won't have any of it.

She needs to understand that everyone has an ex- my boyfriend has an ex who he was with for about 10 years and was nearly going to marry! But I trust that he is totally over her now and only wants to be with me.

And about her letting her emotions get to her, all girls do-she just needs to realise that by continually doing this, she is pushing you away.

Maybe what you could do is just leave her alone for a couple of days- don't initiate contact - dont call her or message her. Let her chase you- but when she does contact you, act normal - dont act like your pissed off as this will cause a fight. If you do this, she will realise she misses you and that will hopefully put a stop to taking you for granted. With my ex whenever I felt like he was getting too comfortable and lazy with me (taking me for granted), I would try this tactic out and he would always come crawling back after a day or so and would be really sweet and loving again.

Thanks for the replys,

"but What the fuck are you talking about .. ? you got sex once a week now ?
so what ? is it that bad ?

i know people who don't fuck for weeks or a month ... i once had a relationship and we had sex once per 2 weeks.

Your relationship is ok, sex is important and it isn't missing ... "

I don't have a problem with having sex once a week. The thing that concerns me is she goes from wanting to have sex often to not as much. As well as her getting me hyped up to have sex, then we have an opportunity to and she flakes out (like in the situation i had described before). I just want to be proactive and make sure that the decreased sex, doesn't lead to no sex at all or even bigger problems.

I know of and have been in relationships with no sex for weeks or months and they all sucked! That is what I am trying to avoid. But besides that, our relationship is great!

"now don't think she uses it as a form of control .. thats total nonsense...
if you really think that then go play games and withhold sex when she wants it.."

Maybe not so much control, but rather a form of testing. That is actually a good idea to withhold sex when she wants it. Let me know if this will be okay to say to her next time she wants sex:

Her: When we get home tonight, I want to make love

Me: Normally I would love to, but lately when you have suggested it, you never actually do when we get home. So I am going to have to pass

"1 time sex a week is normal.... especially if she wants it 1 time a week
if you want more sex then go masturbate ... submit her into sex .. or go to a prostitute."

What do you mean submit her into sex? I want to remain alpha and in control. I don't want her to use sex to turn me into beta.

Also, What do you mean by they feel stupid when they watch you masturbate?

"And about her letting her emotions get to her, all girls do-she just needs to realise that by continually doing this, she is pushing you away."

Beautiful way to put it! There are two things about her 1) She is a HB with a very low self-esteem 2) She is very insecure. While we were broken up, she would look for other guys attraction to her to make herself feel better. Now, she is very worried that other I will like some other girl. I am trying to be an understanding bf, but I just want to make her get past this hang up.

The idea to let her chase me is also very good. If your bf is taking you for granted, does this tactic make him feel like he can't afford to take you for granted?

Thanks!

Sounds to me like a "pit stop" is in order down a lonely dirt road or quiet alley It's hard for anybody to stay aroused with no stimulation for two hours.

Your boy,
870

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"Do not blame, call out, alpha male, superman, or water sprinkle any hoes. And what will be, will be." -Hobbit

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I think this is a good idea, so long as you do tell her WHY you are going to pass. The she will understand that it is upsetting for you. Maybe she doesn't even realise it's affecting you? Women are usually quite sensitive to other people's feelings but sometimes if they are pre-occuppied with other things, they may not realise even the most obvious things. She also may not want to believe there is a problem so will avoid it. By the way, do you two live together? Maybe she is just too comfortable- she knows she can get it whenever she wants and because you want it more badly than she does, she has decided that she doesn't want it because its too easy or soemthing.
Ok the questions you need to ask yourself and/or her is WHY does she have low self esteem? And WHY is she so insecure? Her looking to other guys for validation she is attractive is completely and totally normal- all women need this validation at some point in their lives. And even being in a relationship with a guy who clearly loves her, she will wonder whether he is only with her because he is too comfortable with her and will he leave her if someone better comes along.

Women are very competitive creatures and can totally see another women's beauty-we are constantly comparing ourselves to other women. And you may have heard this before but it is totally ture- women don't dress up and put makeup on and look all sexy for the guys- it's for other women. Because we know we will get judged harder by the women out ther rather than the men-we feel men are easier to please than women.

My boyfriend does little things like look at me and then sort of shakes his head and goes "wow you are beautiful" like he has just figured it out or something. He doesnt do this all the time either- only sometimes so when he does it, I actually believe it and it makes me feel secure in the relationship.

Your girl sounds like a jealous girl. Has she ever been cheated on? If so, she would know how painful it is and is trying to avoid it happening again- what she doesnt seem to realise is by her being jealous and insecure, its going to drive you away.

She needs to understand that everyone has an ex. She has exes right? My boyfriend has an ex he was with for 10 years and they nearly got married! But he makes me feel so secure with him and lets me know how TOTALLY over her he is, but not by saying he is over her. He just acts like he is totally indifferent about her. When I ask about her just randomly, he talks about her like she is just an acquantace. They are not friends or noithing.
I tried this tactic with my ex-boyfriend- and it worked. It made him feel like he couldn't afford to lose me and also made him realise "hang on-I am not her whole world. She can live without me. Shit!" And then it made him chase me a little. Obviously I always took him back and was all normal and stuff but I just needed a little validation that he actually did care for me.

Hope this has helped a litle![/quote]

yeah i agree.... turn it around, just be carefull and bring it gently - don't be short and direct. If she implies your angry she will starting feel guilty... that isn't any good either.
yeah if people get lazy in relationships, just realize that the one who want more sex has less control. The one who withholds sex always have more control in relationships.

maybe you have to do some role playing or something to make it hard and special, the harder it is the more rewarding it is when you get it.
well my GF cheated ...... and i can honestly say i'm always jealous in relationships , i have grown over it and try to not let it trough.
but really it will sabotage the relationship, this is true ....

maybe you have to make her confident and secure before moving on to foreplay .. give her a ''warm blanket ''
yeah i agree , try to make her secure by promoting things about her .... and start foreplay little bit later...

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Thanks again for your help guys!

We don't live together, but we see each other every day.

"Maybe she is just too comfortable- she knows she can get it whenever she wants and because you want it more badly than she does, she has decided that she doesn't want it because its too easy or soemthing."

Anothe excellent point! I think she does feel that way to a degree. She knows I love to have sex, but I always make a point to not seem too eager to do it. Is there a way to make her place more importance on sex or to make her work for it?
With the example I gave about passing the next time she suggests having sex, would that be a way to make her seem like i'm not that easy? I just don't want her to feel rejected and that I am not interested in her sexually, because then she could look elsewhere to fulfill her sexual needs.

"Ok the questions you need to ask yourself and/or her is WHY does she have low self esteem? And WHY is she so insecure? Her looking to other guys for validation she is attractive is completely and totally normal- all women need this validation at some point in their lives. And even being in a relationship with a guy who clearly loves her, she will wonder whether he is only with her because he is too comfortable with her and will he leave her if someone better comes along."

The low self-esteem stems from childhood. As far as her being insecure, she has been cheated on before, which I think causes the majority of it. What do you mean by "only being with her because he is comfortable and will leave if someone better comes along"? I thought as long as you keep a good level of comfort with her, she will feel secure?

"maybe you have to make her confident and secure before moving on to foreplay .. give her a ''warm blanket '' "

Do you mean to tell her how sexy she is before we engage in foreplay?

Thanks again for the help!

don't tell her plain how sexy she is ... tell her she's a great person to talk to, promote everything .. not only physical features.

tell her something she doesn't hear everyday.. say something special , your a smart guy , you can come up with something. make her feel speciaal by talknig special.
just hug her and look her in her eyes while saying things to her.

example '' yesterday i was thinking all day about you .... you such a great person to talk with etc....

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questions about herbal medicine here-vp582526.html#582526

Yes- just don't initiate sex for a while. And she will start wondering what's going on. Passing the next time she suggests it by letting her know how you feel will make it seem like your not easy and that maybe she needs to step up her own game a bit and therefore possibly place more importance on sex. Hopefully eventually she will try and come onto you in bed and then you can say yes! Also ask her what she wants- make the sex ALL about her. Everything and anything she wants, do it. This will make her feel more comfortable and that you actually care about her getting off in sex and you are not just using it for your own relief. When you guys do have sex, how does it work? Do you initiate it and she says yes or what? And does she always climax? Sex needs to be pleasureable for both parties.

Women are very strange creatures! They don't always feel secure even when they know they have a man who loves them and would do anything for them. It's like even when a woman has been in a relationship for a long time, she will wonder why other guys don't seem to find her attractive anymore. Even though she doesn't want them, she wants to know why they don't want her. And again women are extremely competitive and compare themselves harshly to other women. They always think there is someone hotter, nicer, smarter, thinner, etc out there than them. I can't really explain it any further.