Alright guys, new to the forum. Looking for advice for sure. On the PUA front, been there did that for about 10 years, almost always turned into relationships, what can I say, I'm a romantic... Anyway, to the point, I just lost my girlfriend and I want her back. Things were serious, talking marriage, she has a kid that I want to adopt, etc. I learned some heavy shit about her past and made a big deal about it and she jetted, hard. Back on speaking terms with her, but when she took off I went a little nuts, you know the constant calling late night drive-bys, the whole nine yards. Did some damage, I know, but I picked her up from work the other day, she has no car, I was last resort, and drove around a bit, she kissed me twice on mouth, and then when I dropped her off, she gave me big hug and kissed me a couple more on the cheek. Hung out once since the breakup before that, instigated by when I texted her the lyrics of a song we used to sing together, but then our meeting got serious again in a negative way, still a lot of pain there I think, it was a week and half back, which is now behind us, anyway, we had some negative discussions in front of her kid near the end of the relationship and that is why she made her "final decision" but like I said the drive her home thing happened since then, a few days ago. Anyway, she mentioned going to church together this weekend, I know that isn't usually mentioned around here, but I love God and Jesus and all the apostles, and this girl and like I said, I know this stuff really works, and I have nothing but love and best intentions in mind... I need some advice on getting this girl back. Help...

It certainly sounds like she still loves you, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to be back together or that the two of you ought to be together.

I'm trying to come to terms with whether or not I want to get my ex back. At first, I wanted her back and had a big plan to make sure that I could maximize my chances. I did a lot of research on what the "experts" say. I'll try to summarize what the most reasonable stuff I found say:

1. Stop doing the late night drunk dialing and text-message terrorism if you haven't already.

2. Let her know that you're ok with the breakup, and that you agree with her.

3. Identify the reasons for the breakup.

4. Assess the relationship objectively. Is it worth trying to save? (I assume the answer is yes)

5. freeze her out. No/no communication for a minimum of 30 days unless she contacts you.

6. If she does contact you, its advisable to tell her you're busy and that you'll call back sometime. Don't call her back.

7. Work on self-improvement and inner-game.

8. Go on a couple of dates. We're not talking rebounding, LTR, just get out and meet some new women. This helps to remind you that you're not negotiating from a position of scarcity and lets you see what other women are like.


9. After a minimum of 30 days, when you feel like there's been enough time, call her. Have a brief but friendly conversation.

10. Call her up and invite her for coffee.

11. Remember back to why she fell for you in the first place. Combine this with the reasons for the breakup and come up with a gameplan to fall in love with each other, essentially starting from scratch.


Supposedly this is the most effective method. Personally it makes me nervous because after 30 days she might be moving on with her life. 90% of rebound relationships fail however and it seems to me that with a kid she's unlikely to really move on.

I'm not really cool with the whole freeze out thing in a LTR.
Why?
A LTR is dedication from both sides 100%/100% .... freezing her out, will show your lack of dedication.
Even if she is not the one to call you, she is AGREEING to go out with you... thats her part, maybe for the time being.
But really, I wouldn't freeze out if you still wanna get back with her.
On the contrary, show her that you can be friendly about the whole thing, but still show her interest, and LET HER KNOW what your intentions are, let her know you care for her.
Freezing her out will eliminate your chances of getting back, if there were ever any.
She will think "Oh well, he's prbably over me" ...

This kind of has me baffled too, the freeze out thing could work, but because of the commitment thing and her being a mother, I'm more inclined to just go with a another new PU. Be the guy she fell in love with. Totally ignore, internally and externally, any negativity and be the fun interesting guy she fell for. Know there is no point in trying to discuss the breakup, won't go there, but just play things cool, be fun easy going... pull her in that way instead of totally cutting her out. Any thoughts on this strategy? Be the thing she really wants and may miss out on if she doesn't come back???

Frankly, I wasn't convinced about this stuff at first. The more you think about it, the more it makes sense however.

I think the reason you have to agree with her is that otherwise the power structure of the relationship shifts to her side too drastically. Power in a relationship is attractive. The two of you start off from an equal standpoint. I myself fear that having told her that I agree might confirm her convictions, however, if the goal is to start over from scratch and to fall back in love, then this is a minor set back. It is possible that she'll find a great new boyfriend in that time, but 90% of rebound relationships fail, and its hard to imagine that she would give up on years of service from a man she recently fell back in love with for some new guy. Agreeing with her may also cause some feelings of doubt.

The reasons for the freeze out are as follows.

1. If you continue to remain in her life it cushions the blow. Whether its rides home from work or a shoulder to cry on, if she can break up with you and still have the support of her boyfriend, that's not so bad.

2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and people apparently have a tendency to romanticize their exes.

3. She may start to wonder what you're up to. This can invoke feelings of jealousy mystery and regret.

4. It will help you to be objective.

5. This in essence helps to bring the two of you back to zero in terms of the power of the relationship. Right now, she is the one who is preventing you two from reconciling. This is dangerous, and runs antithetical to game.

Great tips. She keeps calling me though. Wants to meet later today to discuss her borrowing one of my cars for a week to go run a burrito stand in the AM. I'm turning this one around in my mind and I don't want to be the "nice guy" who only is a friend, but I don't want be the asshole either. I'm thinking of not making a big deal about it and letting her borrow the thing without it really being an issue for me, but I could have this thing all wrong. Need some help on this one guys. Inclined to let her borrow it, but need an approach that pulls us back to the romantic and increases her attraction and desire for me, not just thinking I'm there to lean on when she needs it and then she can take off afterward.

Its a tough call. I'm inclined to tell you to tell her that you already promised your second car to your brother/sister/neighbor etc. or that you're having work done on one of them and need the second one.

She is your ex gf at this point unfortunately. Its pretty inappropriate of her to ask for your car IMO.

If you let her have the car, you're setting out on that road where you're going to be that friend who she can depend on for transportation.

If I knew more about your relationship my answer might change, but with the limited info I have, that's my opinion. When she calls, you should politely advise her you're busy and you'll call back when you have the time. Don't call her back until you're ready to start over from scratch. This also might make her wonder what you're up to, miss you and want you.

I'm liking that approach. Helluva deal wanting to help her out to get back with her, but from the years of experience, I know it only leads down the road to getting walked all over. I know because I did it girls who treated me that way. I'll keep updates here for how this goes. There is a lot out there on making up and getting back with your ex, but most of it doesn't take the PUA angle on things. I'm trying to work some of the NLP and neg stuff into this, but honestly didn't ever get trained or have a community while I was out on the scene. Just figured it out on my own. Coming across these more formal methods actually came after most of my days in the club scene. Anyway, I got my ass back in some proper shape, so I'm feeling really good and my inner game is coming back... that shit can go away pretty quick when you get in a committed relationship and let your guard down, I'll tell you. Feels like getting hit by a truck afterward. Trying to remember how to treat this girl who is super independent and loves freedom to get that desire to be back with me. Need her to associate freedom and independence with being me. Tips on that aspect???

Way to go on getting yourself back into shape! It can only help you. Some of the new "technology" is fantastic also for inner game.

The truth is that this time should be about you and not her. You're already going down the right path.

Only you can do this properly, but you probably need some time apart from her and without any real communication in order to reassess the situation and the relationship. Only when you're 100% convinced that you're ready to be single, and that you can be happy whether or not she takes you back will you be ready to decide whether or not to go after your ex.

She doesn't seem to be very independent based on what you're saying, but I'll take your word for it. A woman who is into her independence doesn't want to be smothered, so you need to play it cool. Don't pressure her. Once you're ready to start over, take it really slow. Go for a coffee. Make it short, and take it from there.

In the meantime, if you can't find it in you to cancel on her tonight, I would reccomend at the very least that you either keep it real short and just hand her the keys. If there's some way that you can get something from her out of the deal, all the better, so long as it doesn't involve you spending any more time together than necessary. You don't want her to get anything from you for free. If you need to lend your car to her, tell her you want her to buy you a new power drill and that you expect it to come back washed.

Well, looks like the strategy worked, but still wondering what is to come, though things right now couldn't be better. Played things super cool, confident and fun and the girl was all over me all night and came home with me after "spilling her guts" to the fact that she was still in love with me and wanted me back if I'd have her. Took her home this morning and she asked me to come by her work and hang out later today... So, we'll see. In effect all that I did was to "be the prize" and a center of attention and the super fun guy that didn't really seem to need her. Pretty much just PUA things couple of subtle negs, when I looked at her, intense eye contact and huge smiles. Happy and oozed confidence in myself and she came to me.... Still got game I suppose, which is nice, but figured I'd post the success. Also, she decided she didn't want to borrow my car anyway, just a way to get to see me. Anyway, guys, thanks for the advice. I'll post updates of what comes...

i agree with jpow .. solid advice

good luck dude

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Hey man, I hope this continues to work out for you Just be careful that her lapse of judgment isn't representative of deeper issues with the relationship or stemming from her emotional maturity (or lack thereof). Make sure that this is what you want, and try not to let emotion get the best o fyou.

All the best.

Yeah guys, mostly just having fun and enjoying time together at the moment. Had a brief talk about where we wanted to get finally, but kept it short and light. Moving in the right direction. Trying to figure out some things this time around that I overlooked the first time through and her relationship outlook and commitment ability was something I knew there were issues with, she totally abandoned by her mother, but I didn't put too much weight into thinking about my approach to them. I know she wants that type of relationship probably more than anything in the world, a committed relationship she can depend on I mean. Just need to set myself up as the one she can depend on, in addition to being the guy she is wildly attracted to and has fun with. Any thoughts on combining those two representations?

I think I have a few things to say that you should probably hear. I'm not holding back, and forgive me if I come across harshly. You seem like a really nice guy, and you deserve to be treated well.

This goes beyond game. Her breaking up with you over the fact that she's still married should have pissed you off. A mentally-well person doesn't break it off over that, they get a divorce. She essentially pulled the relationship equivalent of burying her head in the sand and THIS SHOULD SCARE YOU!

She probably came to the realization that her life was better when you were in it. (DUH!) You give her lifts, emotional support, you loved her kid, why wouldn't it be better with you than without you! The real question is, "is she coming back to me now because of what I do for her, or because she loves me?".

In my amateur opinion, I think the two of you probably have psychological issues. You're not alone. We all have them. But you need to explore why it is that you're so willing to get back together with someone who did something so selfish and so emotionally ass-backwards. I understand that you've been together FOREVER, but you need to go back and figure out how long this kind of behavior has persisted, and whether you want to be with someone like that, who has been secretly married.

She clearly has emotional maturity issues. You really shouldn't ignore this. At the very least the two of you should probably be in couples therapy together to try to figure out how to turn this from a relationship where she's keeping SERIOUS secrets from you and using you to one of equal partnership. DON"T LET YOURSELF GET WALKED ALL OVER.

At the end of the day, I'm not proposing that you break up with her or that you shouldn't reconcile. What I am saying is don't hide from these obvious issues. If your goal was to make her feel secure, it sounds like you're the dependable one in the relationship. If she's feeling insecure, then you'll probably need professional help.

Seriously, have a talk with her, find a GOOD therapist who does couples, and tell her that you two need to explore what has happened over the past weeks so that you can have the healthy relationship that you deserve.

-JPOW

Hey JPOW, good stuff and I really appreciate you not pulling any punches, I like people giving it to me straight I think I should have clarified that we both found out she was married at the same time when we were going to look into getting a marriage license. She had been in Vegas a couple years ago, got wasted drunken married and never saw the guy again, leaving separately from the ceremony. He mailed her to inform her that he had "taken care of it", so she assumed, naively, that it was annulled. I was pissed, really pissed, she was sad and disappointed in herself for not being more on top of things... yeah, I agree there are some emotional issues, I won't argue that, but it wasn't a secret marriage or anything, she had told me about it early on, but the fact that it wasn't "legally" over was what I flipped about... Anyway, I appreciate your objectivity and after I reread what I had posted, I would have responded in exactly the same way you did.