| Ok so here's what happened.
I went to the appointment and we sat down and had a long conversation about the nature of our chats and whatnot. Something I don't think I explained earlier is that when we first started talking, it wasn't actually directly on the chat. We just kept changing our status updates to comment on the other ones. And she played dumb at our appointments for a while, as if she had been talking to someone else (whereas it was obvious she was talking to me) and I had misinterpreted the status updates. But this time, the status updates were completely direct (me asking questions and whatnot, her responding, etc.) and a couple of times we actually chatted directly to each other.
But when we first started discussing this at our session, she still tried to kind of play dumb and act as if she was only responding to my status updates a few times, and that other times she was talking to other people, and that the whole thing was "confusing" because of the unclarity. Now, this is total BS. A few times she had updates that were probably to other people but in general they were clearly to me. AND, I signed on on invisible mode a lot, to see if she was online. Then I'd go online, and she'd immediately go online. Then we'd talk for a bit, I'd say I was leaving, and then I'd go back into invisible mode, and she'd immediately go offline. So she was clearly waiting around on there for me to come on and off.
Eventually she admitted that yes, were in fact talking directly to each other, a lot in fact. And she said she was very confused by the whole thing, etc, that this has never been an issue with her before, and so forth.
Anyway, our appointment was supposed to be 90 minutes (itself unusual because they are generally 60 minutes). It went for about 2 hours. THEN, I walked her out to her car (again unusual, since a therapist generally lets you walk out FIRST), and we talked for almost an hour on a street corner. So all in all we were together for almost 3 hours.
Some important highlights, since I have trouble remembering exactly what happened in chronological order:
We were in the elevator together, and I said she had something on her face. (She did but it was barely noticeable.) She stuck her face out so I would wipe it off.
A door was stuck and we couldn't get out, so while we were struggling to open it we had our hands on the doorknob together.
In general, she let me touch her during our conversation outdoors and was not weirded out by this (VERY unusual for a therapist).
As we stood outside and chatted for an hour or so, she told me all the reasons why she is freaked out. Essentially, having nonprofessional contact is HIGHLY risky to her. She explained that even if, say, 10 years from now I or a family member got pissed about this we could report it to the Board and get her licensed revoked. They would subpeona all her records, etc. This is why she was freaked out about chatting directly and preferred the status updates.
As she was telling me all this, and explaining how online chat with your current therapist is not considered okay and is itself grounds for revoking her license, I asked her: "But standing here on the corner chatting with me is okay?" She laughed and said "No! It's really not! I really should be going" but continued to talk with me for another 30 minutes or so.
We sort of discussed the possibility of me finding a new therapist or perhaps stopping therapy altogether. She seemed to dislike the idea but said she could help me find a new one if I wanted. At least it's on the table now, which is what I want. She seemed to think we could go back to a purely professional relationship and I said, "You're professional enough to know that that's not going to happen." And she said "I know..."
Also she kept harping on about all of our commonalities and how weird it is (we really do have a TON in common, despite our age gap). She wants me to make her a mixtape next week because we have very similar taste in music. She was really intent on me making her a mix of what I listen to, not just what I think she would like. She also was very intent on me not going out of town next week for my birthday, as I had originally been planning. (She would not tell me why, she was basically saying "just because", but I assume it's because she knows we wouldn't see each other if I left.) She told me I was extremely likeable and it's very easy for her to fall into more than a therapist-patient relationship with me, and that she's supposed to be the responsible one and she feels bad about not drawing the line sooner.
Okay so some conclusions in the next post... sorry this is so long...
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CHAT
