| In the past week or two I have heard from several different sources that it is a great thing not to come everyday. Apparently you feel more energy and have more drive to get things done. I have also been researching tantric sex and they seem to point at the idea of holding back also. So as of tomorrow it begins.
Now since I can remember masturbation has been party of my daily routine, like brushing my teeth except occasionally I forget to brush my teeth. The only time it has managed to dodge being part of my daily routine is when I have a bout of insomnia and my sex drive crashes and burns. Having just caught up on sleep after a boring night of watching old movies followed by a day of walking round doing very little, with the same small steps you would expect in any good zombie film and same undead bags under my eyes, I figure it is a good time to try this.
There is one snag, at this moment in time I am living with a house of pick up artists and we seem to be going through a particularly debaucherous period (in the past week there has been a lot of talk about girl swapping orgies and three-ways. We also had the foundations of an orgy down till one of the guys bailed (house of cards and all that).
Wish me luck. I'll need it.
Day 1
11am oh dear. Last night I argued the fact I cold probably do 60 days if I wanted to ... woke up this morning with a raging hard on. Sleep is the enemy here, sleep = normal hormone fluctuations. I think I will need something to go in the place of masturbation. I was gong to do exercise but it's not what I need as I wake up. Maybe a shower in the morning and exercise throughout the day.
13:45 Damian is onboard for the challenge and is already learning lessons, sadly they are all things I know already (most people use sex as validation, there is always a bigger picture to a relationship/interaction). Damn maybe I know all there is to learn. Onto the nitty gritty I think doing this challenge has made me conscious of the fact I won't be cumming for 30 days and so has put more attention on the fact (I did 6 days without thinking about it). This time however, I see women everywhere, short skirts, high winds, bending over, sitting down, walking round. Maybe I have more to learn and this is premature enlightenment, time will tell.
Day 2
00:47 Second half of the day was easier, nothing really to mention other than that you find creative ways to fill your time, when you can't fill it the good old fashioned way. Hung with some people smoked, drank and ate. Good times, really wanted to nail one of the girls, may follow it up for when I finish this challenge.
12:20 Been focused on finishing my book so hasn't been too bad, although cheese dreams and abstinence make for insanity. I was having a foursome with three 16 year olds whilst chewing glass, odd.
12:41 Stress and aggression at an all time high, I almost broke my phone because someone texted me and I didn't like my message tone. Same goes for my laptop, the fucking thing keeps screwing up the formats for my book so I have twice as much to edit and proof read by tonight now and a job interview for a job I don't even fucking want. Fuck it I'll show up but that is all I can promise.
23:59 Alls going good shitty mood for most of the day but I think that is more to do with having nothing to do during the days.
Day 3
10:38 More insane dreams, this time I dreampt I went on a snowboarding course which turned into a cooking with cheese and sausage course (or atleast that was the main part) then gambler came into the shop it was being held at. All n all feeling very zen no new revelations but I think they are on their way. Especially due to having Laura over tomorrow night and seeing her for the first time in a while. Also meeting Grace sometime this weekend and she is a whoe bag of crazy. We'll see how it goes
15:28 Aggression is through the roof with nothing to channel it towards. Simple questions fill me with rage. I have also had to change my background as ellen page's nipple is slightly visible through her jumper which is off putting to say the least. Meeting a potential housemate (female) tonight and Laura and Grace tomorrow night. Again though this underlying feeling of calmness and stillness that I naturally have is helping. My libido is a little rampant though, I would describe myself as the guy who put his finger in the hole in the damn. In the grand scheme of things I am fucked but for the time being I am stemming my desires. Buddha sat under a palm tree for 3 weeks, hopefully not ejaculating for 4 weeks will be my spiritual rebirth. I think I may go hit on some women to get rid of some of this energy/caffiene.
23:53 Tits tits tits everywhere holy fuck a priests daughter. Leaving the house a bad idea. Hot girls everywhere IoIs bleurgh. This is going to suck I just want to be fucking. Dirty, sweaty, smutty fucking.
Day 4
03:02 Damian failed, we spoke about it and he has learnt nothing. He realizes he seeks validation through sex and can't control his desire, that is it. I liken him to a fat person that realizes they are fat so joins a gym and goes once or twice. The problem is still there, if anything it is worse as they have recognized it yet chose to ignore it. Mental fortitude is easy to talk about, it is simple to read how to improve yourself and feel like you are but when it comes to the cinch all the books and theorizing counts for nothing. He chased short term satisfaction over long term goals again (as he has for a while). With or without him I am doing 30 days and signing him up for my masculinity bootcamp.
12:37 Things are fine I think I am through the hard period and I guess I am slowly piecing together my natural testosterone patterns. Interesting but useless. I am now focusing my energy on starting a spiritual movement. Maybe a boot camp that teaches grit and mental fortitude, I can see it now "Officer, he made me sleep in the snow for three days, in charity shop bought clothes, then told me to be abstinent for a month".
Day 5
12:22 Toughest challenge yet, passed again damian failed, Laura stayed over that was a mental conundrum. I really like her but this challenge means a lot to me. She seemed kinda pissed off (fair play) but I think she kinda understood this is one of those crazy things I need to do. Managed not to get with her chatted lots, almost went for it but in the grand scheme this is more important.
15:56 Another trip to the supermarket, insanity. Where I would normally be slightly horny I am out of control, the rest of the time chilled like a zen tortoise.
Day 6
16:41 Deleted all my porn today as my brother doesn't even have the mental fortitude to not watch it while we are trying to building things. Other than that I am moving away from desire, I no longer feel like I need sex it is just something that I would like to do. Sex is in conext for the first time.
22:13 Things are going great, still a little anger but I think I have definitely let go. I don't need sex or anything sexual. It is a nice realization, everything I need to be really happy I have inside me. My only complaint is I am very passive, to explain my state to anyone else a monk is the nearest I can get. I enjoy taking the path of least resistance now, people make work for themselves by sitting back, letting go and just relaxing things get done quicker and easier. This is a great state until knuckle dragging asshole ex-boyfriends start doing doughnuts in my zen garden. Also I finally understand the scene in fight club where he goes into his cave. I have a garden in my head when I am in it I am free form all desires I can relax safe in the knowledge I have everything I want. It looks like the roof garden of my brothers flat but with more pebbles and a few small ferns. Whenever I feel desire I sit in the garden in my head for a few seconds or maybe a minute and once again I am brought to the state of needing nothing and wanting nothing. Time to be profound "When you are without desire or need you are truly free".
Day 7
12:39 I am beginning to think my desire for sex in certain amounts is healthy and wanting not needing it could be the way forward. In the spirit of yin and yang I may have a month which is the opposite to this straight after and compare the results. Other than that nothing to mention, I am chilled and largely bored but that is probably more to do with having, no job, hobbies or social circle, tv, internet, money or any other way to fill my time in Milton Keynes.
18:56 This should be renamed the 7 day challenge then 23 days of boredom and indifference. Maybe this is the real challenge, yes I can go without sex etc etc etc now I am just throwing away lays.
20:44 I am so fucking bored. I think I may begin orchestrating a worthy way of failing this challenge, I think a threesome. Bleurgh MK is sapping my soul.
22:32 I went sarging and realized my game is based on sexuality and by killing my desire, I have killed my sexuality, by killing my sexuality, I have killed my game, by killing my game I spend my days bored with no end goal. Alas I will keep this going but be actively hunting sex again.
Day 8
00:07 I am a sexual being it is as simple as that, I have a sentence or two knowledge of tantra etc but it is t do with building sexual energy not repressing. From now I will be building the energy and harnessing my desires rather than completely destroying them. Much like if a fat person killed their desire to eat and starved to death, I killed my urge for sex and it wasn't good. Instead I will use the hunger for something useful (like if the fat person used their desire to eat to eat healthily). Also the lizard man movie is clearly underway very soon.
11:25 The sexual dreams are back and I am damn happy about it I dreamt about a red head fresher. Not usually my type but I think I may have to get with another red head soon. Also I dreamt about Laura a bit which is always good. I think this might be edging towards the perfect mindset calm and unneedy with a sprinkling of sexuality and the smarts to act on opportunities. Also dreamt about a tall blonde anorexic girl, I think I am finally getting back to my roots.
13:17 Boom back into the real world lol. 8 days ... not bad, I think I learnt a lot, my only regret I didn't blast the super load in a woman or at least have some porn.
13:40 In retrospect I think this was the best possible ending I learnt it does me no favors, sex was put it context and if it had been a monumental moment then hell I may have debated doing this again.
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CHAT