Hello Everyone,

This is my first post in the forums, and as such, I felt that it would be appropriate to "open" through "adding value". I'd like to offer what I call my "addiction model" of approach anxiety. Please let me know what you think about it, and don't hesitate to let me know if this has already been proposed.

So, what I am proposing is that we look at approach anxiety through the framework of addiction. No doubt, we ourselves may have or have friends who have many of the more tangible addictions: cigarettes, coffee, alcohol, heroin; but it seems that we do not often stop to think about what addiction exactly amounts to. Through thinking more deeply about these addictions, we will find that the factors underlying these tangible addictions are essentially the same as those that underlie approach anxiety. The upshot is, of course, that in trying to rid ourselves of our approach anxiety, we should be sure that our methodology conforms to this model.

Let's think about cigarette addiction from the smoker's point of view. What exactly does it amount to? The smoker, sitting in her office, all of a sudden finds herself experiencing certain physiological sensations. These sensations are driving her to take a certain action, to smoke a cigarette. These sensations are very real and resilient--they cannot be eliminated through her attempts to alter her internal dialogue. No matter how much she tells herself that she does not want a cigarette, the physiological sensation will be nonetheless insistent that she does (the sensation may even be further magnified by her attempts to deny it).

We all know how the smoker must act to eliminate this physiological compulsion to smoke. She must simply refuse to listen to it-there is no other way about it. Though some snake oil salesmen might insist that the process can be made much easier through costly hypnosis, cds, patches, and gums, the actual scientific literature shows these things are largely without effect. The only way that the smoker will ever get over her addiction is to fully commit to her goal and NOT EVER take that action that she is being compelled to take.

How does this at all relate to approach anxiety? Well, lets analyze approach anxiety from our perspective. We spot an HB10 across the room and start entertaining the idea of approaching her. Immediately, this physiological feeling comes over us--anxiety--it is telling us to take an action. We can say that it is commanding us to take the action to stay where we are--to take the action of taking no action. All of us know how it feels and this feeling is certainly at least comparable to the compulsion pushing smokers to smoke. Just like the smoker, we cannot talk ourselves out of this feeling, and in fact, often the more we try to do so, the worse it becomes. This anxiety is a physiological compulsion that we simply must overcome in the same manner that the smoker must overcome hers--through absolute refusal to obey this compulsion. In both cases, if we refuse to give in to this compulsion for a long enough period of time, the compulsion will eventually cease to exist.

The essential lesson here is that we must ABSOLUTELY resist the compulsion. If the smoker gives in just once, she has set any progress she has made back to or significantly towards zero. If we follow our analogy to its logical conclusions, the same is true of our anxiety. If we give in to our AA just once, we have set our progress back to or towards zero.

So, how are we to do this? I suggest that we command ourselves to take the physiological sensation of anxiety as a command to approach rather than not to! We should commit here and now to the following proposition: "Every single time I feel the sensation of approach anxiety, I will approach."

One potential difficulty with this maxim is that we might feel this sensation when an approach would not be appropriate, I am not sure, however, if there is much truth to this worry, since it seems to me that approach anxiety is usually only generated after one has observed that an approach would be possible--this is at least true in my case. I do not, for instance, experience AA when I am sitting next to a HB10 and she is on her phone, since an approach is not possible at that moment (though I may experience it in anticipation of the end of the call). AA seems to only come into play when we have already judged that an approach is possible/appropriate.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the mechanisms underlying things like cigarette addiction and AA are the same: an undeniable physiological sensation driving us to take some action. We are in essence, addicted to the action of inaction. Just like other addicts, the first step for us is to admit to ourselves that we are junkies trying to kick our habit--we have a problem. We must not ever tell ourselves "Just this once I will give into the compulsion" because we all know how many "once's" this quickly becomes.

It is also important to note how the conclusion of this model differs from the "just get out there and approach" (which I hereby dub the "Nike" model) method. The Nike method still allows you to give into the compulsion now and then, while my model suggests that we should have much better success though inverting the command of our physiology-approaching someone who we have no approach anxiety over approaching will not do us much good, and choosing not to approach some HB's who generate in us a significant degree of AA will be incredibly detrimental. Neither of these two actions (most importantly the latter) are ruled out by the Nike model, and if my analysis is correct, this is a major flaw.

Well, I hope that you found this interesting/useful. Please tell me what you think!

Sincerely,

The Philosopher

I love the dedication and determination to get your point of view across that i almost shed a tear. We shall never know whether you are right or wrong because it's your opinion. This will really help alot of people

I love the dedication and determination to get your point of view across that i almost shed a tear. We shall never know whether you are right or wrong because it's your opinion. This will really help alot of people.

I agree with you that whenever you feel AA you should approach. That is the only way to get over it. But I wouldn't compare it with smoking. To me smoking is more like the opposite of approaching. It is more like "don't approach that damn cigarette". It is actually the opposite of AA.

Wow i really like how you did that. from now on i will use it to kick that stupid habit of not approaching... i tell myself everyday, im going to talk to the first girl i see... do i do it? not yet. so with this in my head it is clear to me now that i need to approach everytime i feel that feeling of wanting to, yet not wanting to. thanks

Hello,
yes I understand where you are coming from.
WIth regards to approach anxiety, I think that I feel anxiety under different circumstances.

for example. while I write this, opposite on my left there is a girl here in the library that I would like to approach. She is concentrating on her computer screen, and seemingly totally oblivious to me here. Now if I were to approach here in the library I would have approach anxiety because there is no reason for me to approach her that might seem logical.

On the other hand there was a nice girl at the bus stop who was near to me and so I asked for info about bus times and segged into other things and got a very nice "tata" later on as I was leaving the bus.

So, my AA is much more isolated to specific cases when I have to walk over and say hi.

But anyway, I like your idea and think that the case is pretty much akin to the case of the smoker who is hellbent on getting that ciggy. he may resist a few days but afer a while he convinces himself. "it will just be one" or "bit by bit I can wean myself off them" and before you know it he is smoking the same every day and he san't really given up.

OK friend, cool first post.