Hey Guys.
This is a blog post that I have written on oneitis and I have been getting some good feedback from it.
Hope it helps some of you.
ONE-IT-IS
Oneitis gets the best of us. Even if some men will not admit it, there is no man out there who has not felt the backlash with non-mutual infatuation. You might think that she is the "one," but more times than many, she is not. You are caught on the fantasy. You are caught on what you are creating in your mind. For the normally socialized man it may seem like the common thing that happens, but for the guy who is decently successful with women it may come down on them a lot harder. Let's talk about this from a PUA's point of view.
You are quite successful with women. You have been able to seduce the majority of the women you have been interested in. You come across one that seems like she might be a woman who you want to get involved with... but she does not feed back those signals you are giving her. It is important to remember that a woman will pick up on this. Even if it is not a conscious realization, she will know that you are feeding into her ego and it will make her feel special.
There is nothing wrong with making a woman feel special, but if she is not returning those feelings back to you, your inner strength could suffer greatly. By telling yourself that she is far more superior than any other woman out there it will slowly decompose your demeanor. Your actions and proposals to spend time with her will do nothing more than lower your respect and status as a man.
It will make her feel wanted. It will give her more confidence and reassure her that she is wanted by someone. Again I will say that if it is mutual, there is nothing wrong with this. If it is not this situation commonly leads to the man who is suffering from one-it-is to become a backup in the eyes of a woman. He will be used. Even if it is not on a consious level of the woman, it will happen.
Recently, I suffered from a case of this and was thinking about why it happened. Here is a story of mine that will shine some light on your situation.
I have suffered from a strong sense of non-mutual infatuation a number of times and there are things that can be done which will eliminate those strong feelings.
There are ways that you can re-establish your behavior to understand that abundance is key.
I was out at a bar a year ago and noticed a beautiful girl (who appealed to my style competely) and we got into conversing. In a short amount of time we began talking and I noticed that attraction was there. Attraction led into comfort. Comfort led into seclusion. Seclusion led into her boyfriend (who was at the bar) to abruptly interrupt us and break up our interaction.
Initially I knew that it was not a big deal. The interaction was enlightening. I took all of the right steps that I could until her boyfriend came into interrupt. I went on to meeting plenty of other women that night and the months following.
Nine months later I was talking to a friend of mine (female) just so happened to know the situation between the girl I met that night and her boyfriend. They broke up and she was roaming the market.
This friend of mine has given me much insight to the female mind and has always provided me with a different point of view on numerous occasions.
I mentioned to her that I met the girl who broke up with her boyfriend previously and she kept driving into my head that I should try to get involved with her. The initial infatuation was rekindled and this was the spark that ignited the emotional need inside of my mind to pursue and conquer, so I started from where it left off.
We were friends on facebook so I decided to IM and we began to talk. This led into exchanging information, which led to some hot text/phone game on my part which led into going out for drinks.
It was an excellent evening but I started to notice that I was putting so much pressure on the situation just to feel a sense of completion. First night, no kiss, no big deal, she was a bit battered and I was not ready to take advantage of her insecurity.
Next time we got together was just for some coffee. Short. Simple. I made my move, but she seemed extremely nervous so I was not going to be pushy. I had plenty of other women I was involved with, but since she was a challenge I felt compelled to continue.
One evening I was at the bar and she texted me to see what I was doing. I cut the bullshit and told her that we should be hanging out. She picked me up and we went back to her house and had a few drinks. It was a good time. We played some guitar, joked around, and then I began to give her a backrub which I thought was the end. It was not. I started kissing her and she freaked out. She literally got up and said that she had to go and do her laundry.
I am no sucker so I finally took a stand against this developing oneitis and started realizing how foolish all of this was. She drove me home at 5 am and I fell asleep with a small sense of accomplishment, when I usually would not have cared if she came, stayed, layed, or prayed.
Next day she texted me telling me that her shoulders hurt from the backrub so I took it as a hardcore indicator of interest, but now I have realized that was just her way of keeping me hooked on her, without her having an intention of sleeping with me.
We exchanged texts for the next few days until I finally texted her something along the lines of "I am no longer going to make attempts to spend time with you. From now on, you can make the attempts."
She responded with a "Sorry."
That was it. I realized that I was feeding her ego the entire time. She is now in a relationship.
I felt some dissapointment because I finally felt the burn from what I do with the women I am seeing...but.
I am very glad this has happened to me because now I know that there is a large portion of game (on women's part) that is subconsious and they cannot be blamed.
Here are ten tips to follow for getting over oneitis.
1. When you are sensing a lack of returned interest, call it out.
Be a man. Even if she appears to be shy, she is still a woman. Step up. If she is blowing you off, let her know that you would like to spend time with her, but if she does not comply then you have no choice but to move on.
2. Do not become a backup.
The women who I was referring to earlier in the article once sent me a text message at one am. For your everyday guy, it may seem like a ticket into pandora's box, but it truly is a test of your value. Value yourself. If she texts you this later after she has flaked on you, let her know that you are not her backup and she should contact you earlier if she wants to make plans.
3. Talk to Everyone
The quickest way to get over oneitis is to get back out there in field and start meeting women. Talk to EVERYONE.
Here are a few books that I highly recommend to getting back out there after being crippled by a bad case of oneitis.
Tim Pierce's Amazon Book List
These books will get you that kickstart you need to get back into your groove of having a stead flow of women.
4. Cut all Ties
Delete her number. Delete her pictures. Delete the thoughts you have invested in her.
5. Sign up at
www.OKCUPID.com
I am not a huge fan of online game, but being signed up for an internet dating website can immensely decrease your chance of being caught into oneitis.
6. Go out one night alone
Go out to a bar alone on a thursday night and enjoy yourself. You will be SURPRISED how many women will actually come onto you. This has helped me many times. Gaming alone is gratifying in more ways that one. A man who can go out alone and enrich his life is a man who is attractive to women.
7. Reframe your lifestyle into an abudance
mentallity
If you are not familiar with NLP then start looking into it. I do not really use it to pick up women but it can be a powerful tool to reframe your thinking in a few moments. Keep telling yourself that it is a numbers game.
8. Logically analyze the women you are hung up on.
She is just ONE girl that you met. Think about how many women you see on a daily basis and then think about what all of them look like naked for one whole day. That will change around your thinking right away.
9. Make the decision that even if she comes onto you again that you will never give her the chance.
You gave her a fair chance. Fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me.
10. Do not let any women create your life, let them enrich it.
Follow those ten steps and you will start to notice the tricks that your mind plays on you. These feelings are emotionally driven and by looking at them logically, you can reframe those emotions by stressing the logic.
Good luck on your adventures,
Tim Pierce
CHAT
' as if i didnt give a SHIT and that im ok to be friends. at this point I knew that she was still undecided as to whether she wanted to be just friends or not...but i called it first (can be risky but powerful)....she replied saying 'uuuhh ok i guess blahdie blah.' Left it at that. Now you reckon that me calling the LJBF speach put me in the friend zone? not a chance. it just confused her.