This is really bothering me and I'm in such a bad way about it that I have to write this. These are all girls I've met before, it's just that I guess my day 2 and email / SMS sucks arse.

I've copied the messages (email, sms, as is - with names of things replaced with, "the movie" "your friend" etc), but each starts with a summary if you don't want to read it all.

Festival girl;
Bumped into a girl I hadn't seen in a while at a festival, we danced, flirted, had a great time, when I got back the next day she'd replied to an email I sent a long time ago saying sorry she hadn't replied, and that it was so much fun catching up, and asked how the rest of my weekend was. I replied saying how my weekend went, and then invited her to an upcoming party, and said she could bring a friend. No reply.
Massage girl
Friend of a friend was offering massage in exchange for tips on her facebook. I replied, said I was interested only if I could get tips in return, and she enthusiastically replied. Replied clarifying some confusion in a funny way, asked availability. She gave her availability. I said cool - give me your number and I'll let you know when I'm available, mine's #######. No reply.

Special friend
We've shared a lot in the past, she's told me everything, I pretty much know how she likes it done to her, and we've fallen asleep cuddling quite a few times, and she's said "falling asleep cuddling is the best!" but I can't seem to make it move forward. This conversation didn't really end with her not replying, but it may as well have, the way it started out with her all enthusiastic and then suddenly becoming flakey. Haven't got a summary for this one, it's probably best just to read it.

It's all SMS. Now - when I wrote the following, I was thinking how she'd expressed some interest like "I really love talking to you!" and thought maybe I should show some affection or desire or something, and make her feel safe, she always wants to feel safe because she's always worrying about things, and I figured that might be the problem. This is when I realised how I'd already tried this kind of thing with her before and it seems to come off AFC. I would rather miss out on seeing her than be in an AFC position, hoping she'll say "Yes" on the day only to have her say again she doesn't feel up to it. So I figured I have to say something to recover from appearing AFC. I figured it had been "two steps forward" so it was time for "one step back". I removed the offer, in a way that I hoped sounded neutral and quite reasonable.

Conker -

You are so close to getting this girls to spring for a day two. I think the only thing you need to work on is building a little more attraction and comfort before asking them out on the day twos.

Festival Girl:

That's crazy she responded to your old email. Her email to you indicates she may be interested in you. But it's also got a lot of qualifications in it for example:

"an email from you that I was going to reply to" (she's controlling the communications channels - she has the frame)

"here's your very late reply" (You don't have my undivided interest, but "here's your consolation prize")

These little snippets indicate to me that she either does not know you well enough yet, or there is not yet enough attraction for a day-2. The rest of the email indicates she wants to get to know you better.

She writes "didn't see you about today" - that suggests to me that it's possible to go out somewhere in the real world and see her again. If that's the case, then that's probably what you should have done - see her in person and built up more comfort/attraction and set up a day-two that way. You're much more likely to get a positive response from someone you are seeing in person, compared to email.

I think even you could tell that your invitation the the Hillbilly party would nosedive because you emailed her two minutes later. Sending a second email before getting a reply comes off as try-hard.

Massage Girl:

Well, this was just for a massage, right? Maybe she just got busy - or maybe she thought from your e-mails you were hoping for a happy ending massage with all that talk about how much she's worth at the end.

She responded to you in ALL CAPS, which means she is screaming at you that you don't have to pay tips. You could have dropped the tips thing and moved on to where/when, but you respond with another comment about tips, which probably weirded her out.

Special Friend:

Probably inviting her to the overnight thing was too much. Maybe just invite her to the party and once she's there she can find out it's an overnighter. If she really objects to that, she can probably find her own way home.

This is a good technique to use to get girls into clubs too - they never want to pay the cover, so tell them you don't think there is a cover if they ask. Once they get to the club they will probably pay.

The one consistent problem you have with all of these electronic communications is you are trying to pick the fruit off the tree before it is ripe. Do you see what I am saying?

You tried to set up a day two with festival girl, but she didn't know you well enough to want to go on a day two - especially one set up over email. Massage girl got wierded out by the tips thing. Special friend was not ready to set up an overnighter - but you might have been able to get her to go the party if you had just invited her.

It's probably the advice I've been waiting to hear - moving too fast. I get that I should build more attraction and comfort, but can you give any quick examples? So that I can better understand the mindset I should be going for.

And paradoxically, I don't get numbers because I'm afraid of moving too fast. I've built attraction at a party and then I can never think of a way to keep things going and work in a contact detail before they end up leaving. Usually what happens is I get side tracked socialising with other people, making sure I'm not "following them" and making them feel pursued, and then before I know it - they've left early for some reason...

I even get them all over me while dancing, because I'm a good dancer, and it's like they will do anything for me at that point, but then I don't know where to take it. And I think they can tell. And then later I think they even feel embarrassed for being attracted to me.

awww Conker -

You may have some inner game issues too. You have painted yourself into a corner. You agree with me that you are moving too fast to set up day-2's, but in your reply you criticize yourself for moving too slow.

In real life you can't have it both ways - you can't be too fast and too slow. This is actually good news, because it means that your game is probably pretty good - you are generating attraction, dancing with girls, talking to them at parties and such. The only thing that may need a tune up is your calibration - that is, translating a good conversation into an opportunity to get a number and send a text, or translating the sexual tension you get from dancing with a girl into an opportunity to kiss her and go for a venue change to a more intimate location.

There is actually quite a large window of time when you are picking up on girls where they will think that it appropriate for your to ask for a number and set up a day two. You can find a lot of routines to get numbers on the boards here. I usually just ask for a number and tell them I'll send them a text - or if the conversation is going well give her my number and tell her to send me a text right away, so I can have her number.

As for being a good dancer - that's really an awesome tool to have, you can also find an number of routines and such to run while dancing on the boards.

As for building more attraction and comfort - I think it's really an issue with calibration, you just need to learn what to ask for and when to ask for it.

For example: the Special Friend you have in the first post, you could have set up a day too with her. In fact, she probably would have gone to the party with you, but you asked her to spend the night at the party, and that was simply too much to ask for, too soon.

Another example: when your dancing with a girl and you can tell she's into you, you can try looking into her eyes, if she returns the look then drop your head a little bit, like you are getting closer to her face, if she cranes her head up to you then you know it's on.

Right on Eskwire


He needs to concentrate more on his inner game.

_________________
WWW.PiercePickup.com

Thanks eskwire, I really dig your replies and I really feel like I'm finally onto something by reading your posts. I think those are some good tips to nudge me in the right direction to work towards a number, or kiss, or a bounce, etc.

Also, I get an overall message from your post. I think it is - I have to learn how to do this, and I should be going out on a limb and trying things, and if I come off AFC I need to learn from it, that's the only way I will learn how to do it in a non-AFC way.

I think I'm in an odd situation right now, and I have to make some sort of decision... I think this problem has arisen because I am not currently making time to try random girls in the street because I'm so busy at the moment. This pretty much means I only try things at parties, which means I'm within my social circle, where my reputation as a bit of a ladies man is on the line. So I'm choosing inaction rather than making a mistake. Some options I can think of are - start making time to go out and try random girls for experience if it's really bothering me that much, or accept that I'm to busy for that yet and wait till my extra-curricular projects are finished in a couple of months, or go ahead and experiment at the parties and practice some damage control if things go wrong. Not sure which one is best yet.


And thanks Tim - I believe you both when you say it's inner game, because I believe everything comes down to inner game. But let me see if I correctly interpret what you meant by it in this context; Do you mean becoming more sure of what I want, and focusing on that inside, so that my actions and thoughts leading to that goal are deliberate, instead of flaking around uncertainly? Because that sounds right...