| It's been a while since I've posted here so I figured I might write a quick article to share some of my insights.
I wanted to talk a little bit about my experiences lately - I noticed when I started this game I went through a certain process of development, and there were 'stages' of sticking points along the way. And every time I'd overcome one stage I'd hit another stage of sticking points:
1. Approach Anxiety
2. Inability to stay in a set long enough.
3. Brain stifling.
4. Dancing monkey / closing.
5. Consistency
I think most of us have gone through this. After approach anxiety is over we discover we don't have enough to say past the initial opener to keep the conversation going - so we just eject. After we keep having this issue, we get stifled in our brains trying to come up with things to keep the conversation going PAST the initial opener. When we don't know what more to say, we fall back on AA, break the 3-second rule, and end up not approaching. This is the BIGGEST REASON why people (in my opinion) do NOT get into state.
Finally we figure out that it's not so much WHAT we say but HOW we say it. We start to understand kino, vocal projection and tonality, and suddenly even the most mundane BS is enough to keep the convo going. Persistence becomes our ally and we do not eject even if the convo is boring. The only issue now is that we become "dancing monkeys." We rely so heavily upon saying/doing stupid/funny/exciting things JUST to stay in the set that we don't remember that we need to KEEP THINGS MOVING. As a result we become the "entertainer" guy, not the "sex-worthy" guy. As a result, we have a hard time closing since there has been no real attraction built.
Finally we figure out how to put it all together. Our AA has evaporated. We figured out how to stay in the set so that our brains don't get stifled. We flip the right attraction switches, do the kino, and at last get our first #/Kiss/F- close. Now our only problem is consistency - how do we manage to pull every night?
I am going through this stage of development a second time. Why? Because after being out of so much practice and then getting BACK into it, I decided to stop ALL canned material. No more canned routines. No more canned techniques. Nothing. Sure, I love to read about new ideas/methods all the time and incorporate some of that stuff into my game (the whole Shock&Awe thing is brilliant) but once I integrate it, I try to forget about it. And so since I am re-learning this game I am finding that I must go through these stages once again. It's comforting in a way since I know I am making progress to a familiar end goal.
Went out to a club in T.O. on Saturday night. A friend was saying the night before that he planned to do TEN approaches all in a row haha. But it was up to me to open those sets. That night a buddy of mine (different guy) was like "I thought you were going to do 10 sets!" and I responded with "That was _______'s goal not mine!"
Here's the thing - for any of us suffering from AA, we tend to believe that sheer quantity will help us break through it. Repeated exposure results in progressive desensitization. And while this is mostly true, we have to realize that approaching ten 1's is NOT equal to approaching one 10. Why? Because when you approach under the mindset of "I have to do this", with a quota in mind, then the set doesn't matter any more. You're not motivated to make the set work, or to persist, since it is just part of a quota. "I just have to do my 10 sets and then I can stop." It makes it sound like a chore - this is supposed to be fun!
I did two approaches Saturday night. The first one was a complete mess. I decided to try this new opener - basically get into state, walk up to a girl, tell her I think she's gorgeous, and then go from there. In short - it doesn't work. They say that you can get away with saying whatever you want when you're in state but I think the truth behind that lies in the fact that you can keep talking and moving the conversation along with ease when in state. When out of state, you don't move it along so rapidly. I *tried* to get in state - but couldn't. Basically this opener has gotten me a consistent awkward smile and forced "thank you." In short, it's a pretty shitty opener.
My buddy's g/f was there and she said, "Don't tell the girl you think she's pretty. That's just creepy." I thought about that for a bit, and pocketed it away in a corner of my mind. During that first set my mind was racing to come up with things to say. I pulled in another friend to help wing for me. I said all kinds of random shit. I asked the girls what they were celebrating and one of them said, "Our womanhood." If you ever get a smart-ass response, or something coy or weird like "We're not allowed to tell you!" then you IMMEDIATELY KNOW it is GAME ON. The only problem is... I had nothing in response. I forced a smile, and honest to God I felt my upper lip twitch as my nerves failed me. I swear one of the girls saw that and then BAM I was out of the set.
That is probably the first time I have ever been so nervous when actually IN a set. Often by the time I've approached and got the conversation going, I'm not so bad off. What happened here? Basically I planned out in my head too much of what I wanted to say, how I wanted them to react, and how I intended to direct the conversation. As a result, I did not account for the inherent variability of conversation, and thus couldn't adapt to what she might have said. Also I was avoiding using that whole "What are you celebrating?" bit since I've found it either doesn't work, or I'm not quick enough (yet) to come back with another witty comment.
That was a huge downer but deciding to accept that I was not in State, and take Right Action (something straight out of Blueprints) I tried to just enjoy myself. The music was pretty crap, mainly Rap remixes (how the hell do you even dance to that?). I was doing my best to spot some sets and kind of dance up into the group but nothing was happening. I was off-beat, and off-rhythm that night. Finally two really pretty girls show up - a brunette 8 and a blonde 10. This blonde was.... incredible. Petite chick with a huge rack and straight creamy blond hair that would make you melt. I wanted so much to go up and talk to her. I figured I'd try a new opener I came up with just on the spot - "HEY! DANCE WITH ME!" with a huge smile.
I didn't do it.
Why? Because my mind was still beating me down with doubt. I no longer have severe AA, it's just that I really doubt myself far too much. I grappled with my thoughts, and when I saw another guy come up to the 2-set and open them I realized it was game over for me. I chided myself (again) for not taking advantage of the opportunity and letting it just slip by. Then yet another guy (possibly his friend?) joined the interaction and they were both occupied.
I continued dancing with my friends, keeping an eye on the two girls through the corner of my eye. The second guy came in and out of the interaction intermittently. But the original guy was still there, trying to talk to them, dancing with them, basically doing some retarded dance moves. I thought to myself, "What the fuck is this guy doing? Close the deal already so that I can get in there!"
And that's when it HIT me - the best opener I could think of. I grappled with my thoughts again, wondering if I even had the BALLS to go up and do this. I wondered long and hard until finally it was approaching time to leave. I figured - what the hell, let me just do it I have to go now anyway.
I turned and started my approach - and then BAM was immediately cut off by some guy who stepped in front of me to get through the crowd. I was like "FUCK!" My approach was mottled and suddenly I was back to indecision. I had to psyche myself back up again, and thought - Whatever, I'm doing this. I go up to the blonde 10, put my arm around her waist, lean in and say, "Have you given this guy your number yet?"
She smiled, slightly confused, and I repeated myself.
"No," she says.
I smile and say, "I bet you I can get your number before he does!"
She laughs and says, "Well I don't give out my number at a club."
Immediately my bullshit meter goes off the scale. "Well you can at least give me your area code!" That got a nice laugh out of her. My arms were around her. Hers around me. I was running out of things to say and was getting ready to eject - and THEN something occurred to me.
"Let me ask you real quick - is it creepy if a guy comes up to you and says he thinks you're pretty?"
She smiles back and says, "No it isn't."
"So if I just came up to you and said you were pretty you wouldn't slap me?"
"No I'd just say 'thank you'"
"And then you'd blow me off!"
She laughed and smiled, replying with "Nooooooo"
and I playfully responded with "Yeeesss you would!"
At this point I was IN the set. I could have done Push-pull, cocky-funny, shock-and-awe. A few weeks ago I would have killed to be in a position like this. But my mind was too damn slow and I couldn't come up with enough to say. What happened next?
Well don't get your hopes too high up boys. The night was coming to a close, and I needed to get my buddy's g/f back home lest her parents freak out and yell at her. Also (while this is a really shitty reason to eject) I have been focusing mainly on approaching and conversationalism lately, so closing wasn't a huge priority for me. ABC (always be closing)? Screw that. Work on your weak points first. Finally, and this I think is a good enough reason to walk away - I wanted to end the night on a high note. And I was on a pretty sweet high walking out of that club that night.
We had an amicable goodbye amidst hugs and smiles and that was good enough to remind me that at least I am getting somewhere again.
I have NEVER approached a 10 before. EVER. And on Saturday night, I did it. And I'm pretty confident, if I stayed and persisted, I would have gotten her number. Next time...
In reflecting, I could have asked her to introduce her friend. Spun the blonde around me so that both girls were on either side of me. Shout out to my buddy to come over, and then walk towards him with both chics on my arms. The original chode would have been left behind with his jaw on the floor.
Things to learn from this:
1) Your best canned material, routines, our thought out conversation patterns are NO match for what you come up with ON THE SPOT.
2) Music is a huge element contributing to your state. The music there sucked, and I had a hard time getting pumped up. But upon hearing a 2-second clip of Polker Face (they just said "polker face" over and over again and then that was it) I started to play the song back in my head, which got me enough into state that I could do my approach.
3) Recognizing resistance as an emotion and taking Right Action is HUGE!
4) AMOGGING IS FUN!!!!
My next step is to take some improv classes to improve my speed of thought.
I want to end on a thought about approach anxiety. Most of us guys get into this game because of something terrible that happened in our lives. Whether it be getting shoved into the friend zone, being cheated on, or just basically a messy break-up that left you a little crippled inside, many of us come to this Game and this community seeking not only answers, but a means to empower ourselves against the pain that was caused. When a girl breaks your heart, it can be not only very humiliating, but also very disempowring. And for a guy to close control of the situation, his mind and his emotions, is a very big deal indeed.
If you are such a guy, and are suffering from AA, I want you to think back upon all the women that have ever caused you pain. Things they might have said. Things they might have done. Things that tore you down. That caused you to hit rock bottom. And think about WHY that hurt as much as it did. And how it was not only painful, but humiliating.
Now push those thoughts away from your mind and consider this...
Can a club-girl (or any girl in a cold approach) possibly do this to you?
Can some random club chic humiliate and depress you the same way that any of these other women did?
No.
How could they? You're speaking to them for all of 10 to 20 minutes. At most you'll know them for only a few hours, and by then you've closed the deal and gotten what you came for out of the interaction. Think about it.
Approach Anxiety is a latent primal drive for survival that humanity has since outgrown. And while logic and rationale are useful, they cannot truly overcome thousands of years of instinct and intuition. Which is why you must reprogram yourself. Truly embody this idea that THIS WOMAN CAN'T HURT ME and make your approach. Have a few drinks, loosen your mind, and let this knowledge wash through you.
And remember - do not think.
Just do.
Q.
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CHAT
