So after reading some posts here I've come to realize that I have some kind of social anxiety. Pretty much what happens to me, not only with girls but also with my guy friends, is that I feel like whatever I say, do, or whatever my body language says is awkward and will be judged negatively. I also feel like everybody else i'm hanging out with are just born socially adept while I am not... What ends up happening is that I don't really say anything and just sit/stand there looking and feeling more awkward and really dumb. I have some major self-esteem issues even though I don't consider myself to be unattractive. Please can someone help me out or tell me what to do to get over this?

Want to hear a strange technique that will work?

Tell your close friends how you feel, and have them force you to interact.

Depending on your social netwrok, they may be the best thing to get you over this.

I'm not being a dick either, I've seen the biggest results from people doing this.

Watch them, observe what they do.

Also:

Say hi to random people, expect no response form them.

Make 1 joke a day with a cashier or other hired person.

Once a week make the cockiest comment that you can.

Good advice man I had, or should I say have the same problem as Arc and I've actually done all that. It does work. Take caution, however, 2 and 3 at the end may have awkward consequences lol. But hey, it's a learning experience!

I tried PMing you but it said something about an error so I'll just put it here. Look, I understand completely where you're coming from because I have the same problem. It's hard to admit and on here's actually the only place I've done so, and its quite therapeutic. Here's how I think my problem started, and it actually stems from childhood experiences; I've always been shy since I was little and never had many ppl to confide in (friends, siblings, parents, etc.) so naturally I stayed to myself. When I was in social situations or tried to make friends things would go wrong; I'd say something dumb and ppl would laugh at me, or I would try to talk to a girl or make a friend and they would deny me. Kids can be very cruel, sometimes without even knowing it. On top of that I would get bullied verbally and for a short time physically when I was in middle school. These negative experiences built a wall around me to where it was hard for me to let ppl in or trust ppl. I didnt even trust myself not to say anytning stupid or socially awkward so I just decided I wouldnt talk if it wasnt necessary. Thus I developed a social anxiety which has stuck with me to this day. Nevertheless, I'm trying to change and mimic the way other ppl behave in social situations (I too feel like I'm the only one in the world this socially inept). When I try to though I fuck up a lot and end up in another socially awkward situation, so I decide just not to say anything at all. Its a vicious cycle and I just dont know how to end it. So Arc, maybe the reason you feel the way you do has underlying causes and stems from childhood. Most likely thats the case. Just wanted to reason with you and let you know you're not alone, though dont really have great advice except to say, Be Yourself and have Confidence. Sounds cliche I know and its easier said than done but if you walk around and project confidence, even if you're not feeling confident, it will begin to become natural and soon your social anxiousness will be eased. Its worked for me and although I am still a little socially anxious at times, I'm way better than I used to be. Take it easy buddy!

BxBwoy

I'm glad you couldn't PM that

Why?

Thats a perfect description of where this comes from (in my opinion). There may be a few rare cases, but I think you nailed it. Knowing your not alone gives you incredible strength to overcome something.

Thanx for sharing.

Be careful though guys, you want to ease youself into socializing and slowly increase your comfort levels. If you don't you'll get what I call "Social backlash."
This is where you just feel so drained and have no desire to be around anyone.

Or you flip out.

Also make time for yourself. Even if you have to DEMAND it.

If you have no time for yourself, thousands of problems, internal and external will develop.

I have about the same problem and yes I think it came from growing up with no one really close to my age that I could interact with. Also part of my problem was watching television where the "good guy" always won in the end and listening to terrible advise from my mom and others(never listen to your mother regarding social situations).

This is how most of us guys get ruined in my opinion. Society has in its own interest to keep abunch of nice guys that will carry the burdens. They tell us "work hard, play by the rules, always be honest, always help out and volenteer.

While the assholes and players are getting all the best ass and making all of the money literally based on there social skills and networks, something we were never taught.

Think about it, we are told that eduacation and skills are the way to make money and get ahead then we go to work and end up working for some lying asshole who doesn't know shit about his job but is making all the money and screwing all the chicks.

I have decided that if I can't beat them I'll join them. I have been honing my social skills learning how to talk about complete bullshit for hours on end. And guess what? It's working. Instead of trying to prove myself through my actions I will now just brag on myself and avoid "doing" all together.

The best part of it is that this is what the ladies like too. They don't want a sincere honest guy. thats the biggest load of shit ever sold. Girls love drama so learn to tell dramatic stories and you will see them opening up and getting interested.

I would suggest to start talking to everyone. Just make up some bs story that has alot of twists and turns and a neat ending and tell it.

Your not advocating lying are you?

cus' thats a huge mistake.

As for only assholes getting paid and laid.

I think thats a frame you need to break. I have a job that pays insanely well, come with a lot of power, and I have to do relatively little. I didn't have to lie or be an asshole for it. In fact If I was any of those I would never havce made it past the intrerviews.

that comes down to relationships too.

Social skills get you only so far, then it gets down to how hard your willing to work for what you want(the real meaning fo work hard) how well you can connect with others (honesty hepls big time here) Play by the rules (I believe there are social rules) help out and volunteer (I see no reason I should have to point out the benefits for that).


But hey I've been up for 48 hours so to me

Ciao

An exeption does not disprove a rule. Natural assholes and bullshit artists get the women and the money a diproportionate amount of the time. If your job didn't require that then it is in fact an exeption. So what? The rule still applies.

I really don't see how thats a rule.

I do see your point of view though. There are many dicks who seem to be doing better than the "nice" guiy. That doesn't mean you have to join them. All it comes down to is that these people display certain qualities, for example non needy, alpha, entertaining, etc. And stumble upon natural "laws" for example, short to the point statemenst are more accepted than long winded reasons. Its better to go for what you want with pure ?determination?, then to wait. The nice guy doesn't do this, he betas himself out.

Alpha does not equal dick.

All these are switches, methods, and mindsets we have to master, without faking it.

You don't have to be a dick to do this, or anything else.

I personally take joy in doing better than these "natural assholes and bullshit artists" with out being a dick and without lying. So far Ive went farther doing it this way. But to each their own.

Alas we digress.... Arc I hope your doing well with your temporary setback.

Thanks for all your posts guys keep them coming. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone that really helps. I did some research and found out that what I feel actually has a name: "Social Anxiety Disorder" (yea it's pretty original). So I went to the free counselors at my college and they didn't say anything of real value except that it's something that can be changed by changing how you think so I'm going to try as much of the things that you all suggested and see what comes of it. Just out of curiosity.... why make jokes to cashiers/hired people...?

If we told you it would lose its effectiveness.

I'll tell you more but I was just quickly chicking my email.

I think your just going to have to socially punish yourself until u just dont care...

in clubs bud into random convos

say hi to random people

start the conversations with your friends rather then join them

In general just get out of your protective shell and talk talk talk

u can even try saying somehing to yourself like " My voice is the greatest of music, to not share it would be selfish "

Dont be Selfish

Here bro,
you have a couple of alternatives. You can write about it and talk to others about it which is going to give you a lot of good ideas and things to do or you can take the other one- which admittedly is more frightening but works wonders.

I have found that doing approaches is like rocket fuel for confidence. At the time, you feel scared and worried but later you notice in all your interactions with others that you have become more confident.
Simply doing the newbie mission can catapult your confidence no end becaues you go out there and see that others respond positively to you and it feels great.

But don't forget that after some social success you may find that you are a few days feeling a bit down or weird, don't worry that is just your personality adjusting to the real you, the confident you. then you bounce back.

Good luck bro.
[/b]

Your problem: You are scared of people judging you negatively

What your goal needs to be: To stop giving a flying fuck about how others judge you

How to get there: Pick one.
1. A specific process of self-destruction as detailed in Nietzsche's philosophical works and illustrated brilliantly in the cult classic film, Fight Club. This makes you comfortable with being uncomfortable, basically allowing you to free yourself to do practically anything you want.
2. Meditation to achieve control over your ability of detachment as detailed in the religion of Buddhism. This allows you to stop caring, at will, about things that don't actually matter.
3. Force yourself to talk more and to more people and come to the realization that nothing bad actually happens when people judge you negatively, if that even fucking happens. This requires actively seeking for evidence in the positive direction.

To add on to the last post...

Assuming that people will judge you negatively is just a bad habit. And to break the cycle of this bad habit, force yourself to assume the opposite which is positivity. This will feel extremely awkward, and to overcome that awkwardness, try visualizing yourself assuming positivity.

Exercise:
Completely muse yourself into a social environment where you might feel uncomfortable. You might began to feel the fear rise up, but just fight it and stick with it, keep telling yourself that great things are going to happen, imagine yourself being comfortable, happy, alpha (whatever your idea of alpha may be).

I read somewhere that this helps to build neural pathways, so the next time you are in a similar social situation, you mind takes this path and makes comfortability more achievable.

It's like that saying, "if you can dream it, you can achieve it"