Lately it seems like every post in the relationships section has had something to do with guys being suspicious of their girlfriends, whether it be for choosing to hang out with their (sometimes male) friends more often or because they saw some guy flirting with her from across the room at a party and she didn't immediately respond by bludgeoning him to death with her shoe or driving a stake through his heart while chanting an exorcism incantation to remove any evil spirits his attempt at hitting on her might have left attached to her person.

In any case, I took this as a cue to share the #1 most effective way to handle your issues with male best friends (MBF), suspected cheating and any other insecurities that might creep up as a result of her spending more time with other people than she does with you. You ready? The answer is: IGNORE THEM.

Sounds crazy, right? Don't give up on me yet.

Allow me to propose a hypothetical scenario. Let's say, for the sake of argument, your significant other is sneaking around behind your back, sleeping with every guy she meets. In what crazy, alternate universe is that behavior going to stop if only you could spend enough time worrying yourself sick and hammering out angry vitriolic posts about it to a PUA forum?

Hopefully this last sentence has sparked an epiphany for at least one of you, but if it hasn't, I'll put things more plainly. No amount of worrying, complaining or freaking out is ever going to stop your girl from cheating if that's what she wants to do. Period. Not only that, but it may push her even further away as you look more and more like a social tyrant hell-bent on controlling every aspect of her life and the other guys she hangs out with (if they have any game about them) look like free-spirited, confident dudes who will let her do whatever she wants and accept her no matter what. Now, imagine you're a hot girl and tell me who you'd rather hang out with.

Don't believe me? It's true. I can't tell you how many girls I've laid next to after a hot, steamy session beneath the sheets only to hear them say, "Hell, if he thinks I'm cheating, I might as well do it!" almost verbatim. It didn't take long for me to learn that jealousy was a one-way-ticket to infidelityville, population: her.

So knowing this, what's a guy to do? You can't just let her do whatever she wants ... can you?

Actually, you can. One of the best metaphors for relationships I've ever heard came from Zan, when he compared them to a butterfly that lands on your hand. Either you can bring it in close to you, and maybe lift a hand to shield it from the wind, knowing all the while that it may fly away eventually; or you can clutch it tightly until it either dies or struggles free. Which sounds like a happier ending to you?

Exactly.

So my advice to any guy in this situation, whether you're dealing with one MBF or a hundred of them, is to do a little introspection and figure out why you feel the way you do about the situation. You will undoubtedly find the problem isn't her or who she hangs out with, but a deep-seated insecurity in yourself. Rather than freaking out on her, use this as an opportunity to improve yourself.

Your boy,
870

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Is this stickied yet? You nailed it man. Also as a guy that women cheat on their bfs with, the relationship is over just neither of them know it yet. Girls in good relationships don't cheat, it is you that is the problem and not the woman, that is all

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870,

sometimes if a guy is jealous or suspects his gf might be cheating, this could be an opportunity for him to recognize a problem in the relationship, and fix it before it is too late. ignoring it is NOT always the best option.

for example, imagine a guy who is used to sleeping with lots of random girls and sexually escalates with each the same way. hypothetically he could be properly satsifying most of them. now imagine he gets in a relationship with one girl and keeps escalating the same way with her over and over, and never changes it up. that girl will get bored of it, but he might not know why. he/she might not be educated enough to understand what is happening, and they might have communication problems on top of it. in this situation the problem might easily be fixed if someone is properly educated on the topic.

if he picks up on her pulling away from him and having interest in someone or something else (sparking jealousy), this might be an opportunity for him to recognize that there is a problem. this problem might be fixable before it is too late and things spiral out of control.

the sexual escalation example i gave is just one of many issues that might be causing the relationship problems.

this is why i don't feel ignoring it is always the best choice. i understand where you are coming from by suggesting people ignore it, but i think relationships are far too complicated to apply a blanket solution like this.

that being said, agree with you for the most part and i feel that there are way too many threads seeking advice for the same issue. i think someone should come up with a guide on how to deal with these feelings by tackling the deeper issues chat cause these problems, rather than just treating the symptoms. the guide could then be stickied after everyone gives their imput. i'll see what i can put together.

Sexcellent, not a bad point. My advice is more geared toward the guy having issues and how best to resolve them rather than any problems that may or may not exist in the relationship (since giving generic advice on that would be pointless as every relationship is different).

My post assumes that the three pillars of a healthy relationship (communication, emotional connection, and sexual connection) are all solid and in place.

Your boy,
870

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"Do not blame, call out, alpha male, superman, or water sprinkle any hoes. And what will be, will be." -Hobbit

http://tinyurl.com/c6lbje<-Member Journal (PMZ Only)

LOL

All I can do is laugh at the irony of this post. The fact of the matter is, when you have these "negative thoughts" your relationship is lacking; trust. If you are in an exclusive relationship with someone it is understood that you should trust that person to make the right decisions. As 870 so well put it, when you don't trust her; your are actually pushing her away.

Also for those of you that like to use PUA terms.....this negative thought process would be labeled as "AFC". If you do not have the capacity to implicitly trust a girl in a relationship then you SHOULDN'T be in one, because you can't handle her hanging around with other guys.

To me its more of a pride issue than anything else. I mean I would be really ashamed to be the guy that dated the girl that cehated on him. Somehow that makes me seem like 'AFC'. And when you think of it some of the AFC that have come here, and learn about the game in the first place, are the ones that have been cheated by their previose gf's. And do you not think that is a "AFC" response to just ignore the problem? I mean there must be something we can do, because its just isn't right to be in a releationship but wanting to spend more time with another person - the reason you even get into a releationship is because you potentioally want to spend the rest of you life together. Am talkig about the tradiotoanl exclusive releationship and not the modern casual ones.

Nine times out of ten the "problem" isn't anything to do with the girl, it's your own ego and insecurities fucking up your judgment of the situation. Lashing out at the girl will do nothing except create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is something you can do: decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and if so, end the relationship. Apart from that, you're much better off taking a path of self-examination instead.

Your boy,
870

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"Do not blame, call out, alpha male, superman, or water sprinkle any hoes. And what will be, will be." -Hobbit

http://tinyurl.com/c6lbje<-Member Journal (PMZ Only)

Sorry. I have to kind of disagree just a little here. Dont get me wrong: I do agree that in many cases the male is insecure and you are right but I have been in two relationships where cheated has occured (the second one I am 90% sure that she cheated).

If you are dating club girl/hot chick, 8 to 10 who dresses sexy, the chances of them cheating if they are in their early twenties, even late twenties is very high (at least where I am from in Toronto, Canada). My experiences in the USA were different.

In both cases, I acted pretty aloof. I let my gfs go out with their guy friends etc., even take traveling trips that later seemed suspicious in retrospect etc. without batting an eye with no insecurity at all. I am always this way in relationship and will never change. You have to trust people, otherwise, there is no point.

In fact, in the last one where I was 90% sure she cheated, there were some clear signs something was amiss. She took 180 degree change and I found the following:

(a) I found text messages from males saying things like: "I miss you so much. When I am going to see you again". Others were clear introductions from guys hitting on her, she must have got their numbers from clubs.

(b) Lingerie packed in her backpack that was not used for me

(c) Suspicious scratches on her back

(d) Significantly less sex and this from a woman who wanted it, 3 or 4 times a day typically. So much I could not keep up with her.

(e) Uninviting me out to club nights where there were other males going with her. I acted cool and just went out with my friends.

(f) Messages on hotel paper that was somewhere she was allegedly not or had never been

(g) Pictures of her clubbing, kissing a guy - no tongue (she claimed was gay)

(h) Video in her camera of her hugging a guy and him giving her a peck on the cheek who she claimed was girlfriend's boyfriend and was "ugly" as hell (I agreed). But there were three more photos and this alleged girlfriend was in none of the pictures. Just him and her, looking like a couple.

(i) Lies about her whereabouts on more than two or three occasions. She admitted these lies when I bluffed to her by saying I know you were elsewhere. She then admitted to staying at a hotel with friends and going to club rather than hanging out with parents in her hometown out of the city. Why did she lie? I have no idea. I didnt care either way.

(j) We lived together and she would sometimes party, not answer her phone or texts for a couple of days and sleep wherever. (And the btw, when I did the exact same, she would go completely ballistic and nuts for fear that I was cheating). She would say this or that apt did not have reception or that her battery died. Then, she would say she would never do it again. And then, kept doing it 3 more times.

(k) A tagged picture of her on Facebook posing with another guy on a night at a club that she later admitted she did not want me to go. (I only discovered this by jumping into her facebook account when she left the room, forgetting to turning off her computer - something she always did). They looked like a couple in the picture. Even earlier, I had said I was going to the same club late in the evening and she got frantic on the phone and said "Ohhhh.....please tell me if you go. Ok?" Instead of, "great come along". She later admitted she did not want me to go to the club that night.

(l) Facebook profile picture of her in a seductive pose in a bikini, clearly, to gain male attention. She would openly flirt with these men on her facebook wall too. To the point where mutual friends asked me about it.

(m) She would never let me touch her phone and she constantly erased text messages. She hid her phone at night, under her pillow inbetween the mattresses. She also locked her computer so that I could never see any of her facebook/IM messages.

(l) On top of that, she has a history as porn actress which she claimed was minor and she was forced to do but when I found out her psuedonym 10 months into the relationship, she had a huge career appearing in movies with high-profile porn actors/actresses. (but that is a whole other story). (My dumb-ass should have known. How else does a 25 year-old afford a million-dollar home in LA.)

So, you might be asking yourself, why after 2 months of this nonsense, why did I stay with her?

1- Because everytime I questioned her, this sociopath said "I was the only one for her and she loved me blah, blah" and there were very quick excuses/lies and she said I was going crazy/delusional. Till this day, if I talk to her she will say the same. She would lie profusely. Every guy involved in these cases, she would say was "ugly" as hell or downplay it. "Do you really think I would do that?" (The first 10 months of our relationship she treated me like complete gold, like I was the greatest man in the world). But those last two months was like Jekyll and Hyde.

2- So finally why didnt I break it off and move on and see her as a cheater? Why do I disagree with you, slightly?
This might be hard to believe. But I did all this detective work and I had the exact oppposite of insecurity, folks. I am so blooming arrogant and narcisstic that I believed "How could she ever cheat on me? I am greatest gift in the world". You see, while I agree insecurity plays a role in a lot of men. I have even seen that happen with plenty of friends of mine which are attractive women. There boyfriend are controlling and insecure because the man is being completely unreasonable. But trust me - this does not describe me. I ignore the obvious because I think "I am so special, how could she?" I always think this when cheating happens. People will say "Love is blind" blah, blah....It's bogus. I just couldnt believe she would even think that anything was better than my wide 10-inches downstairs.

Why do I care?

I do not want to waste any time with anyone cheating on me. Not only is it embarassing, it wastes time that you can spend with a higher quality person.

Yes. I agree. Not the typical scenario. However, just wanted to outline...that insecurity isnt always the reason for doing some snooping. There can be legitimate reason if a gf's behavior is suspect. Lying, a sudden drop in sex, less phone calls or attention, hiding cellphones etc. These are all red flags. This should make anyone suspicious.

And lets face it, if a chick is hot, she is more likely to cheat. I mean, sexy hot. They dress and act this way for a reason.

Anyways, I find I am pretty accurate these days. Once I suspect some cheating, I am pretty certain that I am correct. My problem is : a wait until I am absolutely certain before dumping her.

But I am not one to feel insecure at all. I always feel like the chick is lucky to have me in most cases. I tend towards niavete. (In fact, its this delusional arrogance and pride I have, that makes me think the woman could never do it to me).

this thread is like the holy grail

Just because a girl is hot doesnt mean she is more likely to cheat. The reasons for cheating go beyond just what you put in your post.

Jake3001, thanks for your reply. Your story proves the point I intended to make all along that if your girl is going to cheat, no amount of worrying or freaking out will stop her. If she is cheating, you'll find out soon enough anyway, and if she isn't you'll only push her away by getting butt-hurt over a couple random instances where she doesn't devote 100% of her attention and energy to you.

That said, this philosophy is not intended to be used as an excuse to ignore reality. If you're presented with a monumental stack of evidence of your girl's infidelity so irrefutable it would make Sherlock Holmes blush, it's probably best to go with your gut feelings and at least have a talk with her about it if not leave her.

Either way, pissing and moaning about it solves nothing.

Your boy,
870

_________________
"Do not blame, call out, alpha male, superman, or water sprinkle any hoes. And what will be, will be." -Hobbit

http://tinyurl.com/c6lbje<-Member Journal (PMZ Only)

I agree. Not all hot chicks will cheat.

But I do believe, the higher on the scale she is, the more decent options she has.
Hotter girls are harder to hold onto.

Like read this:
http://www.newser.com/story/47926/hormo ... study.html

Dont get me wrong. I agree with your post . it is wise logic, especially for the jealous types.

I am not a boyfriend who restricts my gf in anyway. You have to let your partner be free to do as she wishes. I dont believe you can fundamentally change people.

I was only outlining the otherside of the coin. Sometimes being overly-confident or "secure" can also make one delusional.