Bonita you adivce on thinking of a problem in a relationship on a scale of 1 to 10. What if the prpblems repaets consistently. By this I mean non the same exact thing over and over again but when you think you sorted out a problem but somehow this girl seems to cause or gives chnace to this problem coming up again. Taking your metaphor its like having a paper cut every single day - then you deciding "lets be careful around paper" but still getting paper cuts anyhow - I mean after sometime you just can't take it anymore can you? I have a situation like that and I think the guy who started this topic also faces a similar problem.

Am guessing here but for him he talks to his gf about this problem and she seems to have seen the solution but carries on anyhow.

That is a good question Angelz. When rating your problems on a scale of 1 to 10, it is subjective...so it has the ability to change constantly. And just because you rate it one time doesn't mean you can never rate it again. So if you get a paper cut, that could be a 1 (or whatever your 1 is). If you get one everyday, you can rate that a 2 or an 8...it all depends on how much it bothers YOU. How big of a deal is it in your life and how much of a bother is it. If the bother becomes too great and outweighs the benefits of the relationship, then it is time to reassess your situation. If you can live your life in a world where the thing that bothers you most only ranks a 4 or 5, then you are living a pretty good life. Don't abandon things because they got a little tough because you are never going to live a life free from things that bother you...just learn to separate perceived problems from real problems.

Wow, Bonita. That answer, seriosly, gave me one of those epiphanies you get when you watch a David Deangelo videos for the fist time. I really dont thing there could be a better answer. You right if a releationship has more problems then benefits it shouldn't carry on. But how do you think I can maintain a good releationship?

Let me explain my situation. Basically I belive this girsl is insanely in love with me. She texts me everyday - especailly at night, just before she goes to bed, and in the mornings. So you can tell she thinks of me quite a lot. We are going out btw.But the problem in the first couple of weeks is that her ex kept coming back - and shes too scared to tell him to go away so I had to tell him my self. But later on his friend starts talking to her - asking her to meet her at lunchtimes( i go college btw). I told her to tell him next time he said that to say " Am gonna be with Angelz at lunch". But the next day I "catch" her talking with him. She said he just came and started talking, so I dont know what to think. Right now all that problem is behind us. When I am typing it all seem quite small and not worth the trouble i been through. So i gusse my question is how would you have dealt with these problems and how can i avoid any more problem like these? lol...this might be a strange question but is it a problem even?

Angelz, spot on! That is so so true...couldn't agree with you more. And yes, I have told her and she does carry on.

You can never control someone's thoughts or behaviors. The only thing you can control is your thoughts. So if something is bothering you, and you can't change it (say you have tried to change it), change your mindset. Instead of thinking about this ex and his friends hanging around your girl and your jealousy that ensues, think about how she chose you and continues to choose you over those guys everyday. Instead of asking her to spend less time with them, ask her to spend more time with you. You mentioned that you already got past that problem, so for future problems try reframing things because you can only control your frame of reference.

TBH dude don't sweat it would you prefer she had a shrine dedicated to you. You need more confidence in yourself, she has chosen you when she could have chosen others, if you are confident you are making her happy then don't sweat that she hangs with other guys (in fact encourage it, then he must grant you the same freedom). If by some outside chance she is hooking up with these guys don't you think she would attempt to hide the guys from you.

They are probably cool meet some of them but yar all in all be confident in your abilities and let her loose. (think bird in hand metaphor thing)

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Its not the fact that I am jelous. I used to think that was the case and I tried to ignore the problem. But its the fact that this guy ask her to meet her at lunch times and such. I dont know how it works where you live but I just don;t think its right to ask a taken girl to meet you alone at lunchtimes. I mean the guy had the nerve to ask her in front of me. If she had behaved in the right way around him he wouldn't have done that now would he? I mean as soon as he asked her, in my prescence, I said " Shes gonna be with me, in here.", The guy couldn't reply he just said "ok" avoided my eye contact and left. Yh maybe its wrong to expect your girlfriend to know handle boys properly but what about all those girls that say " Sorry, I have a boyfriend" when you ask them for their phone numbers, they exist don;t they? More than anything her letting that guy even ask for such a pathtic meet-up is a disrespectful insult to me and our relationship. Its like the releationship doesnt exist or somethign or I allow my girl to play around with other guys. Sorry but I think this is more a of pride issue than jelousy. And I dont want any "freedom" as you call it, because I already have it - being in a releationship is more like a liberation from the constant seeking and I am happy to be with the person I am so I don't need anyone else at this current moment. And I dont mean in terms of making new friends - because hey am happy for her to make friends. I mean in terms of these guys asking her not once but twice to meet up at lunch - and the second time in front of me. Maybe it not her fault maybe its the guys fault, but whatever. I don't want her to build a shirne but at the same time I would rather she does that than meet up with other guys.

I gusse the whole point of me writting this is to point out that many problems similar to this may seem like jelousy on the bf part - but its not. Its such a easy mistake to make - I mean am not scared to lose this girl. I rather she was with someone who makes her happy. But she is with me and that means there shouldnt be guys asking her to meet up with them or whatever.

Totally agree. My initial problem IS the fact that she has too many guy friends (and makes more each day) but it isn't only the fact that she hangs with them, that's just a small piece of the problems.

It's all the small things like; having a wall of pictures in her bedroom, putting other guys pics up and not even one of me. Or the fact that they call her so much all the time. All these little things add up...

Ahh this is what frustrates me about guys! I am not going to give up my friends just because I'm in a relationship. I am just like your gf in regard to having lots of guy friends. Even when I am single they still don't put the moves on me. So they aren't asking me to lunch to hit on me. You need to get over yourself..girls are allowed to interact with people while they are dating you. You want to keep her locked up so she can only have conversations with girls. I think you are misinterpreting what is going on and have some kind of delusion about what is going on at the lunch table. They are having lunch, and they are talking...that is all...and you don't need to save her from that. You don't need to save her from fun. Of course she isn't going to say no to eating lunch with a guy friend, of course she isn't going to respond with "I have a boyfriend"...because she doesn't view the invitation as an advancement on his part. You guys are at a college cafeteria, it is not like he is taking her out to lunch and paying for it. It is simply a friend wanting to have lunch and where I come from, friends have lunch together.

You need to demonstrate that you have more options than her that you can walk away at any moment and get another girl with the snap of your fingers. Don't put this girl on a pededstal. Even if you have a girlfriend you should still approach and open. The fact that you have a girlfriend will DHV and its the perfect social proof its perfect for PUA.

But it isn't even about losing her to another guy. He shouldn't have to make her jealous. From what I understand, she shows her bf that she likes him....it isn't about whether or not she likes him, it is about this guy not wanting her to hang out with any guy, at all! Even her close friends whom she was friends with before she started dating him. That is just absurd and it infuriates me. Is she supposed to tell her professor that she has a boyfriend and can't talk to him? Being in a relationship should not mean that you alienate your friends and quit being social. Any retaliation on the guys part in this scenario (whether it be voicing how he is uncomfortable with it, or trying to make her jealous) really just shows his insecurity in his own abilities.

If you expect her to cheat on you she probably will.



That's all.

ok maybe its my fault for not explaining the fact that this guy has known her for only a couple of weeks and I would like to point out the fact that he is her ex's mate. "So what?" you say. Well she tells me some of the things that they talk about and gusse what " her love life", especailly what happned between her and her ex, is on hte conversation list. He asks her directly about what happens. Curiosty you may say - but wouldnt he already know? As he is the mate of the ex. Plus the ex is past now so why bring up the subject anyway. See this is why I dont want her to go with this guy in particular coz I just have this insticnt feeling its going to cause trouble.

And Bonita I know that there really isn;t a time limit or something but really? Asking a taken girl for lunch just after knowing for a very short time. Besides he specifically said " I wanna talk to you about something". I mean really? What is he cupid or something? I gusse where on two totally different planes here. Because I am talking about this one specific guy while you are talking about guys in general.

This will sound harsh but alas you have the unfortunate luck of being the person to roll the dice one too many times lol. TBH I detest relationships it, in my opinion is an outdated and rarely compatible answer. So long story short I do't want to hold your hand and tell you everything is gonna be fine, the world is a cunt you play with it or get played by it. We could discuss your relationship in detail but largely with every other god damn post I come across my advice is have some conviction, some balls, some trust in your ability.

We could fuck about and talk about the 'perfect' way forward but you would learn nothing, do what you think is right ... if it is wrong lesson learnt.


Before some psycho-analytical fucktard tries to pen this as some shitty mood I am in fuck you I am seeing clearly and am in no way bitter.

In short relationships in my mind are a fucking crock of shit, especially when neither party has the self confidence to believe in it. SPlit with her with your mindset you don't deserve her.

As I said you were the poor bastard asking the same advice as most other guys that caught me in an unsympathetic mood, I hope some of my rant helps. If not PM me with the real problem (and think about it) and maybe we can sort things from the gradual split which is how I see it SPAM. xx

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