So let me just preface this story by saying that I used to be basically your classic nerd. I studied hard so that I can get all A's, didn't care about fashion in the least, and was afraid to interact with girls at all times. But I'm not a horrible looking guy and I'm good at elaborating on things that I know like w/e is in a text book or recommendations for good movies or video games so I managed to get my first kiss at age 22 and miraculously got an 18 yr old as an F buddy after my first time having sex. Ok, all well and good right. We've been hooking up for nearly 2 years and since I've recently discovered the PUA community a few months ago, I've bought nicer clothes that fit, add a little sexual flair to conversations, and am just generally more confident in myself now that I feel like I have some direction with women. This "I'm a valuable guy and girls should have to work for my attention" mentality has often led me to be a little, or even more than a little cocky when I interact with women and when I'm around her and her friends. Thinking this is a good thing and that girls love cocky/funny guys, I pushed forth.

Within the last two months she's been giving me hell. She accuses me of 'changing', becoming superficial, and admits to adamantly hating any guy that is cocky. We've nearly ended seeing each other as F buddies or even friends as a result of this revelation over the past month or so. Most PUAs swear by cocky/funny as a fundamental principle of pickup yet it can be so destructive to a relationship. Is it that c/f is only effective during the first few interactions then the woman wants a softer more caring side or do some girls just like nerds. She's fairly popular but is LSC (low self confidence) so could it be that she acknowledges that I'm now desirable by other girls and feels threatened despite the well known fact that we are in a solely non committed relationship and underneath the clothes and fluff, I'm still a nerd. Or possibly, I suppose I miscalibrated the situation with her and should just be softer but I feel like I lose value and credibility as an alpha when I do so in front of her friends, especially when I first meet them or when we're in social situations.

It's not that I'm afraid to lose her (she is a good friend and a sweetie most of the time though) b/c I feel like my potential is endless at this time but I'm just trying to gain a definitive lesson from the situation so that I can learn what approach is most effective in future relationships.

Any similar situations or advice on the topic would be greatly appreciated.

-Kohzee

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Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.
Make it happen.

i use cocky/funny to great effect with my girlfriend. it really turns her on. you just have to make sure that you say it in a funny way. for example i'll say: don't be ridiculous, i'm too sexy for shops to close at 8. and the whole world obviously agrees on my perfect masculine physique so they will definitely support my goodlooking desire of shops to close later. and then i'll grin at her in a way that shows im joking. if you're just cocky without being funny, people will see you as arrogant, and no one likes arrogance. don't use it all the time either. you can-over use any technique. saying things like: "yeah, girls like me" with a serious face will just get people to look at you funny.

There is a fine line between funny and confident, and arrogant/cocky. You have to take that into account and make sure you are not crossing that line. Additionally, for you to go through that drastic of change with someone by your side...and you change that much of your personality or traits, it will throw them off. You were what they knew, and what they liked. Now you seem unfamiliar and, mixed with her self esteem, might have pushed too strong a frame which turned her off.


I think where you are slipping up is your choice to "use" cocky funny and to do these certain things as what you are changing into, or who you are becoming. You have to realize that change is going to come inside of you...and that these are just some of the tools you use. They are not meant to be the outline of the person you become.

You scared her off because you were no longer you; and apparently either you didn't change for the better, or she isn't attracted to more attractive people. You need to sit down and see if how you "fixed" yourself and what you turned into is a good thing or not.

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The problem might just be that you're not balancing the cockiness with humour. I mean as David DeAngelo says, if you're too cocky without humour, you'll look like a jerk. If you use too much funny without cocky, you'll look goofy. Maybe you need to balance it out a little bit by working on being more funny than cocky. And cocky funny tends to work a lot more on the confident girls because you're teasing them and showing that they don'tintimidate you, and you're making it more of a challenge. With a less confident girl it will just knock her self esteem if you tease too much, and then obviously she's just not going to like it, and with you being more of a challenge she's not going to feel good enough to meet your expectations, which ends up with her disliking you and trying to blow you out rather than getting blown out herself.
And you said ''I suppose I miscalibrated the situation with her and should just be softer but I feel like I lose value and credibility as an alpha when I do so in front of her friends, especially when I first meet them or when we're in social situations'' With an LSC girl I don't think you really need to do it to add yourself value by teasing her too hard. I think it should be used more to make her laugh than to give youself value, because then you'll be focusing more on beng funny and making her laugh through playfully teasing her, than teasing her to make yourself look better than her.
I'd say just try to balance it out abit more.

i agree with everyone that cocky/funny is easy to misuse. it sounds so simple but you have to make sure you are both cocky AND funny, or else you won't get the desired effect.