"Most people that are anti-social are conditioned that way because of their experiences. For example, their childhood could have presented them with fewer opportunities for social interaction, their parents might not have encouraged socializing, or they were picked on when they were little and have developed more introvert tendencies. "

I got this excerpt from one of the other threads around here , and I have to say it describes me. i think this is what my real problem is. The reason i am so antisocial was because of how i was raised, . i could go on and on giving examples.

here is how it is affecting me presently.

* i fear social interactions and avoid them as much as i can. parties, bowling arenas, malls, family gatherings, concerts, weddings.

* i am not good at workplace as i can be , b/c its a public mall with alot of people coming by , i spend most of my time hiding in the back thus dont earn as much

* i quit my sales job as there was just too much to handle. i avoid going up there

how can someone like me get rid of this antisocialness and fear and live to the fullest. like example of right now would be. its 3PM , idont have work, i could be hanging out at the mall or could be at the library but am not. and i know that if i am the mall i would be all panicky and not enjoy it as much .

I am looking for a real answer, not just be more social, hangout with people, talk. ........

go to the website

succeedsocially


(It won't let me post links)

really helps

If we follow your line of reasoning, you reckon to be antisocial because you were conditioned to be because of your environment.

Then it stands to reason, that if you change your environment where sociability and openness rules, it would rub on you eventually.

So just try to form stronger bonds with the people you are already familiar with that are more sociable and open then you are.

If you want to get rid of your aversion to crowded place, you have to give a practical reason as to why you want to go to those places in the first place.

I feel you man, I come from a similar place, being an elite athlete from very young to my late teens. Due to so much training I NEVER went to parties, social events etc.. I was always too tired to socialize at school, I would often just go to the library and sleep. I also had a chinese coach whose primary coaching technique was negative motivation and fear tactics.

I don't really know what to advise, nothing I've found really works, you can only delude yourself that you are confident, fearless and love socialzing for so long; eventually reality will produce a scenario that forces you to realize you havn't changed at all. As weird as it sounds I wouldn't recommend accepting yourself for what you are either, this is almost worse then deluding yourself as you enter a spiral of self hatred for what you are.
Whilst I do believe the enviroment shapes who you are, exactly how it shapes you is genetic, you've been inherently programmed to respond to social situations in a particular way, you can fight this programming but you can't change it....

Hey, Rocky!

I feel like I'm coming from the same place although we have different issues. During early childhood kids learn valuable social skills by doing rough-and-tumble things like team sports where they interact with lots of other kids. My upbringing was very focused on more withdrawn activities like studying, music lessons, or art, so I was always pretty shy. I'm maybe halfway to dealing with this.

Vakyx gave you pretty much word-for-word the advice that I was going to give, but I would like to add one or two things. A lot of the problems you have stem from fear and nervousness, so you might actually have a social anxiety disorder and want to see a psychiatrist. Also, cultivate yourself by taking on a new hobby. It will get you out of the house, and it will make you a bit more interesting, which will give you a bit of confidence. Also, try less crowded social situations that don't scare you, like maybe hanging out with one or two people. It's a start.

thank you for all the replies so far ,

i am trying out small these days like running errands and stuff .. but i have noticed the problem stilll hasnt gone away ...

i was at mcdonalds the other day .. i usaully order up outside but went inside this time ... it was not really crowded but it mustve had 15 people inthere ... my eyes started tearing up, sweating , looking at everyone ...... it was literally the longest 10 minutes of my life ...

even at work .. i might jsut quit up there ... i have been told by coworkers that i am a good looking person and even have been approached by girls on good days .. whwen i am alone i handle situations like those like a player .. but when its crowded and coworkers around i cower ... jsut today .. this aweome hb 8 kept coming by me , straightening up herself , playing with her and whatnot ... i started tearin up .. i just compltetly ignored her and ran back to the stock room like a pussy ..

a friend of mine is on valium ... i am thinking about borrwoing some of his pills for the time beign while i finish up carlos xuma nd hypnotica inner game and confidences courses .

what do you guys think .

i dont want to go to psychiatrist for three major reasons . i dont havehealth insurance and dont have money. i cant tell people or close ones . cause they always blow everything out of proportion . and third they dont have couselors on our campus ...

see the bad thing with the initial statement is : parents are still like that . they are still overprotective but then expect me to be all talkey-talkey in social stiuation like family gatherings .

I can relate to what your saying as I'v always been pretty shy, It got worst as I got older and I found it extremely difficult to be the centre of attention, I used to think people were staring at me and judging me negatively. I used to get symptoms such as shaking, sweaty palms, facial ticks, blushing, etc...

You may want to do some research on Social Anxiety Disorder and see if it relates. Medication is a short term solution, the core of SAD is our Attitudes, Beliefs and the way we think.

If you have your heart set on not seeing a professional, there are some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy programmes around on the internet, some you have to pay for and some are free.

Im currently doing a 20 week course called "Overcoming Social Anxiety Step by Step" from Author Dr.Richards

Unfortunately we have had these negative beliefs most of our lives, and they have been constantly been reinforced by others around us and/or the strong negative thoughts and feelings we have in certain social situations. This means there's no "ONE" peice of information that will solve all your problems, Instead its a systematic step by step process.

Do you beat yourself up after social situations? (Analysing everything you said and how you could have said it differently?)

Well, I don't quite have it as bad as you, but I definitely am antisocial. My parents tended to nurture me too much rather than push me to grow. So when things got hard, I ended up quitting. It doesn't help that they are antisocial as well... avoiding company picnics, neighborhood gatherings, etc.

Personally I think you need to make some friends. Even if it's just a core group of 2 or 3 people you can hang out with regularly. Find some people with similar interests and go from there. Do you like video games? Find people who like the same on myspace. (or at the game store, w/e)

_________________
"A man is but the product of his thoughts, what he thinks, he becomes." - Mohandas Gandhi

don't take drugs (your friend's valium). it'll just fuck you up physiologically.

Hey Rocky I'm there wit you man. My whole life I've been anti-social and depressed which horribly go hand in hand. My dad is exactly the same. I mean it was at a point where if I was uncomfortable going somewhere I would literally shake before I entered a venue. I do a few things that might help you out. Like if your gona go out try to psyche yourself up or at least try to be in a positive mood going out. Basically you want your personality to be strong going anywhere. Try a workout routine it can do wonders for self-esteem or letting off some steam or any bad thoughts. Use peacock theory. I have a brass knuckle chain and tape deck earing which ppl are always asking about even if I'm not talking to them. Read self help books and rent motivational speakers videos from the library. If all else fails brotha medication is always an option. My social anxiety was caused by my depression and I was on meds for a little and I tell you they made me feel 100 times better. My anxiety was gone but meds cost money and long term of meds can mess with the body.

Hi Rocky

The first thing you need to do is stop with bullshit excuses and feeling sorry for yourself. What is in the past is in the past. You need to take responsability for your life now and where you are going in the future.

I know I come across as sounding harsh, but I work with guys every day on confidence issues. Some guys I have worked with have been through horrific things like being attacked and raped. I have been stabbed myself, you can image how much fun that was.

So what is my point? At the moment you are stuck in pool of shit and you are looking for a lifeline. All of the things are listed are just symptoms of the underlying issue. Basically you have fear with other people and this is actually very easy to fix.

Answer this, what is the worst possible thing that could happen at a social event? What sort of person would this happen to? By avoiding social events what does it allow you to keep feeling?

Social anxiety is so simple to work on. If you are in the London area then get in contact. I have just moved to London and at the moment doing some work with PUA Training. Confidence is not what you think it is, all confidence is, is removing fear from situations.

Matt

_________________
London based hypnotherapist. I can help you with gaining confidence with women and social situations. Get in contact for more information.

For an interview chat with one of my clients click www.realworldhypnotherapy.com