Hi Locke, Long time no speak :O

Well Im actually in a relationship at the moment, i've been with my GF for a month today. Been seeing her for a long while like Jan/Feb time we started getting closer.

I've got a few issues that I've tried to deal with myself but I just am at wits end! Really starting to irritate and sometimes get me down I'm 17 and shes a year below me shes 16, shes not a virgin either, shes not had a BF for about a year or so and her last BF had a car. We haven't had sex yet its not really been possible as you will see when you read on..

Basically I hardly see her that often, maybe once a week if im lucky, sometimes more, she lives about a 30 min walk from me and literally 2 mins in the car but im not driving yet .

Now whats getting to me is that she'll send me a text every now and again with a love you at the end (i hardly ever do because i believe that if i say it all the time then she'll take it for granted but if she says it i'll say it back) and she always seems to want to text me or ring me so I get all the right messages but its like she NEVER makes the effort to meet me. Like this week being a exception i said i'd come and see her on wednesday night and she told me she wanted to go jogging with her friend, she'd been jogging with her friend on monday night and tuesday night. Usually if i say come meet me she will. But she'll never say something like "come over tonight i want to see you or watch a film with you" for once i'd like her to say come over and see me or something.

When we are together we have such a laugh shes a good joke and she'll cuddle me but she isn't that overall affectionate but she has been increasingly as I have been spending time with her.

I've confronted her once about making these stupid excuses and not making the effort, basically i just talked to her about it and she rather avoided it.

Shes got time to see her friends and go camping with her friends like she is on saturday night but not the time to spend with me? I mean I would pick my friends over spending time with her but she hasn't even offered to do somthing with me?!

I want to put a stop to this.. should I hint that I loved the fact that my ex girlfriend used to suggest things like watching a film at her place? Should I turn round and threaten to finish the relationship if she doesnt start making an effort? Should I neg her? I really just don't have a clue what to do... SPAM I feel like finishing it but I don't want to because we could be so good together.

Or is it to early in the relationship?

Could really do with some enlightenment.

Well, she did cheat on her boyfriend of 5 years; A.) if that happens, things always get messy. B.) What does that say about her? Obviously a couple things if you feel in your gut that what she did was wrong and you're scared of it happening to you (why people don't just break up before they cheat is beyond me) and C.) She has been in a relationship for 5 years--you gave her the "playing the field" spark back--she now remembers how good it feels to be sought after, so of course she is going to flirt with lots of people.

Jealousy is a normal feeling, I've only known 1 person who hadn't gotten it from women, but he got it from other things. So, the key is to shove that jealousy deep down inside; you can't control feeling it, but you can control how you act on it.

Without preaching, I don't know what to tell you. Being the person she cheated on him with might work well for you, or it might turn out that you were just a boost up into the single life she needed. You could be transitioning her, or she could be transitioning to you...hell, it's even possible that you're just that secret love puppet that makes her feel alive. In the end, it will be messy. But if you two are going to be together, you need to be together. You can't have some guy she doesn't want to hurt on the side (which, technically is your position too).

So she dumps him, or you dumpses her.

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This is the third relationship you've been in, in like two months. What you really need to do is just start playing around and meeting different girls.

However, for this specific situation, I'd say just go with the flow. You said she isn't affectionate, so why would you expect her to "need" you? This is a highschool relationship; remember, there is only ever one highschool sweetheart; besides that, its just having fun with different boys. Getting attention, meeting people. Don't take it so seriously. Go have fun with your friends and when she wants to hang out, hang out. Simple as that.

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I think that's what I am to her. She's so sweet to me. We're always being so cute and corny with each other. She says that I inspire her so much and that makes me feel nice, you know. A part from that, she's told me many times before that she respects me so much to ever want to hurt me. Then again, she once wanted to stop doing this because she felt like she would hurt me in the end. A cougar will never stop being a cougar I suppose. That's the only doubt that I have about her. She's cheated on all of her boyfriends. She has matured and has done a complete 180 on who she is as a person though (since she's had a child). She's no longer promiscuous because she's settled down with a baby. I'm just skeptical, you know.

We have talked about our situation many times. We have stopped doing this but shortly gone back kissing and being affectionate. We can't seem to get off of each other's arms. I just love how we are together. It's great and she has almost all the qualities that I'm looking for in a girl... cept that she's taken.

The situation is just a little sensitive because her sister is my best friend and I have been close with her and her sister and her family for quite a while. Even if I can't have her, I just love who she is as a person. She inspires me just as much as I inspire her. I guess what I have to do is just mature if things don't go the way that I wish they could be. What do you think, Locke?

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"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he did nothing because he could do only a little." - Edmund Burke

It feels ohhhhh so good because it's ohhhhhhhhh sooo bad.

Eventually the situation is either going to lose passion because it won't be exciting, daring and new, or she will begin to realize she doesn't want to live two separate lives (one being malicious towards another). In the end, things will end--maybe there are exceptions, but why chance it if you are friends with the sister and family? Tell her you'd like to still have a very emotionally and mentally intimate relationship as friends, and stop doing sexual stuff. After that, go find girls who are not taken with kids. Save yourself the drama--there are plenty of people out there that will make you feel good, you just have to find them. And you can't find them if you are pouring all your focus and attention into a girl who wants new toys in her life.

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I guess it's just hard to let go. She has a lot of qualities that I look for in a girl. It's just too bad that she's taken. With all honesty, I don't want to say nor stop things with her but you're right to me. I'm not sure about telling her that I want an intimate relationship without sex because I enjoy having sex with her but I'm looking for someone right now... someone available. Shit, this is gonna be hard.

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"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he did nothing because he could do only a little." - Edmund Burke

Hey Locke, you may find my question teadiously similar to that of others, but the truth is - and you have said it yourself - every man likes reassurance.

The situation:
Met the girl in february

Since then, we've met up about 5 or 6 times, and slept together about 3 to 4 of those times. (the first two meetings were just make out)

Anyhow, I consider myself a sensitive man. Way more than the average male. As a consequences, I have feelings for this girl, although we have spent only 5 to 6 nights together.

When we are together, we have very cuddly and cute moments, and deep conversations.

However, she seems to be passive in the "relationship". It could be because she is shy- which she is - but it could be because my interest in her is greater than her interest in me (for the moment). For example, I am the one always texting and coming up with ideas, etc... for us to do. She always accepts, but has not come up with any idea herself.

Also, I have realised that I have invested much more into the interactio than sshe has.
This is because although I go to University, i have been living this past year away because I am working in another town before going back to finish my studies.
So every time we have met, it has been me going to my Uni town, meeting up with friends and then going back to her dorm.
Hence the fact that I have investerd more than her.
Another reason for that is that fact that I giver her head every time we meet and have sex, but she has not offered to give head back to me in return.
I am considering asking her for some. ("If you want it, come and get it!")

Anyways, because I want her to invest some time in the relationship as well, I have invited her over to my house, and she is coming down to be with me this weekend.
There is another important fact to say, we have always had sex with condoms.
She has suggested sex without condoms, and I have gotten checked for STDs, and the results wee good, so we will have sex without condoms.

I think that comes in a good timing, because it normally brings up the issue of exclusivvity (which we havent discussed) but I am willing to take the next step. Not sure if she is.

I have been very casual of the interaction so far and she has specifically told me her last BF was needy and that i am not needy at all.

Anyhow, having read all the pages of this thread, I am planning on NOT peeling the onion any further with her (in other words, not open myself more to her) untill I have seen that she has opened herself up to me equivantly.

I will however, say "casually" that I am really confortable so far with her, and that I am enjoying it.

Last bit of info.
In one of our latest meets she shared a story with me. She said "The other night at the club, I was sitting at my male friends lap the whole night. Then I was really astonished cos all my friends thought I was gonna make out with him. But I didnt want to. All i was doing was being friendly".
From that I take, that she could A) be warming me up to saying she wants our thing to NOT be exclusive
or B) to reassure me that she did not kiss this guy - and no other guy either since we have been seeing each other

My question:
I am definately going to tell her I am confortable with her so far and am enjoying myself (to build comfort, and because it is true)

But should I also tell her that sex without condoms should only be if we are exclusive?!

It is how I feel after all...
thank you for your knowledge up to date.

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A good job comes from experience
Experience comes from making mistakes

hey locke, i got a LDR wit a girl rite now, its been about 6months, and plans keep getting messed up on a chance to see each other, but i did what i could to keep attraction going and so did she for about this time, but recently its been about 2-3 weeks that shes been acting strange, shes like the attraction is "dying", and i agreed, but i really like her and told her "if plans are more concrete, than we'll talk about being more exclusive and getting back together, but for now we'll be friends", she didnt want that, cause she didn"t want to "miss me" but "coudlnt have me" thing again, cause shes like we live in two different cities blah blah... she was jus sayin "i love you!!" out of no where about 3 days ago, than she started acting weird on me again, so i talked to her on the phone, she said she wanted to be "just friends" and said no attraction was there, she was hurt cause i said "yeah thats perfectally normal that you feel that way, but i dont wanna be friends with you, i just cant", than shes like "i rather have you in my life than not at all"and she didnt want the hooking up thing in the summer either, i played it cool, than i told her yeah i dont wanna really see you, kinda mumbled it, so she said "what? you dont want to see me again? i said maybe, we'll see, bye. she said bye, and i hung up. "She said that spark wont come when she sees me, i said "haha you wanna bet on it" shes like "okay if i win you have to buy me ice cream", im like "haha i aint buyin you nothin, but are you sure you wanna have ice cream around me?" shes like "haha that wont get me attracted", im like "oh you have no idea" i was kidding around, she laughed hard,... but anyways she said she hopes the spark doesnt come back, but she said if it does she wont know what to do. And She was like "Hey dont worry we'll make the friend thing work, i got 2 brothers, i can totally be like one of your guy friends", and she said something about "i dont kiss my guy friends, i see them as brothers", this fuckin sickened me dude, when she said that.

than she said " theres no emotional bases here no connection, and she doesnt hook up wit friends or gets touchy with em", well no shit right lol, i also told her than i regret even sending her romantic txts time to time, it was a waste of time of gettin to noe each other, she got really mad at me for that, anyways,

she says she doesnt want to be my "summer fling" is because she doesnt want to go through the same attraction is dying down phase of "missing me, and not getting to see me thing", and how its against her "morals" for the summer fling thing



Well i called her the next day saying:: : " Hey you know, i agree with you, we should totally be friends "

and heres how it went:

she was like: oh...um...ok... whats with the change of heart?
me: well it was in the moment but yeah i totally agree we should be friends.
her: you just sound so calm and confident about it now?
me: well i thought about it and i totally think thats the best thing
her: oh.. ok... uhm... how was ur day?
me: oh hey its chargin me long distance minutes so...
her: oh ok.. should i let you go than?
me: haha yeah ill talk to you later okay byee
her: oh ok.. bye

did that mess with her reality? i acted totally calm cool confident

ill just hook up wit her in the summer, it doesnt matter what she says right? ... ill just talk to her sometimes from now, but act funny and fun to talk to, and not put out that whole "TELL ME UR PROBLEMS VIBE" cause im still not actin liek a "friend" figure, but will tell her most of the times "hey im busy doin this and that", than just act like "we're still together" in the summer, her older first cousin sister is a close friend of my older brothers so i most def will proly see her and still think shes worth it



p.s. for the most part i didnt pull any afc moves, and even got away with a few during the time of the relationship, i mitve messed up just a tad bit on first when she said "lets just be friends" and i didnt want too, but other than that i kept it smooth so i duno if ill be able to hook wit her.. but girls say different things from what they actually feel right?

did i play it right?

Hey locke, I am always asking questions on the forum and you seem to give the best and clearest advise so i am aksin you.

So me and my girlfriend of 5 months have been getting into little discussions or fights and they have been coming around about every week. She claims i don't initiate us being together and that the relationship is one sided and she is the one making all the plans and stuff. She also says she is losing trust in me and that every time she argues she is wanting to get out fast, that hurts a lot. So we kind of worked it out but she has been acting differently and not as close as she used to. I am not used to fights and stuff like that as this is my second real ltr. I'm assuming that comes with the talks and stuff and hope she comes back to normal. I want to maintain this relationship but need some insight into what to do and how to show her i am invested. What are some things i could do to show im there and that it isn't one sided. Thanks for the help and clear view of things and ask if you have any questions because i know it is a bit vague.

well she texted me back after just a day without talking to me saying::: "Hey! Hope you had a good weekend, goodnightttt =)"

and i told her : "it was sweet and so were them cookies you baked for me. mmm. Goodnight =)"

well i hope that was the right reply! not too strong but just right..? how should i act when i see her from the get-go

Ski, if that is how you feel, then yes...tell her that. Tell her that you two can have sex without condoms, but that it is only something you will do if you two become exclusive--because there are safety issues involved. Then wait for her response. It isn't like you are asking to be exclusive, and since she wants to have sex without condoms, that puts the choice onto her.

Nothing else you said was really a question. It sounds like things are going well, and you are proceeding fine. I would say back off going to visit her so much (maybe have her come see you every two times you see her).

If you want head, you could: a.) while you are giving her head, flip around on your side so your penis is by her face; or b.) ask her if there is a reason why she doesn't. Everyone has varying opinions on this, but I am the kind of person that likes equal reciprocation when it comes to the bedroom.

Be patient with her investment; right now it is about having fun and experiencing things. If you want too much or get too serious, that drains the life out of things. Everyone has the rest of their life to be serious--why start now?

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You compliment her more (on things that matter), buy her a gift every once in a "blue moon" (not to escalate, but to show your appreciation). Take her out on a date. Make plans, introduce her to your friends. Do things that foreshadow a future. Rent a bed and breakfast. Be a little romantic (even if it isn't your thing).

The way you show you care, is by caring. Or maybe you have just spent too much time together and need a cool down session? Not an official break, but spend a couple days apart.

Try those and let me know how it goes.

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Mr. "MackAttack"

lying to get laid is not what pickup artists do. Don't lead her on to believe that something is, something it's not. It will only blow up in your face, or hers. Don't pretend and do things just because they will get you laid; I don't condone that.

Now if you want to go the whole friends route and then try and build sexual escalation and attraction...then do that. But either truly be her friend while rebuilding the attraction, or leave it alone. No reason to "mess with her reality."

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thanks locke!, no i dont even care about getting laid with her, i like her alot, i just want to have a romantic relationship more than just being friends with her

thanks locke. i ended up not being too smooth about it, but asked the question.

Whe we were about to have sex i said, "we need to talk, I am quite happy to have sex with you without a condom, but how do I know that I can keep doing it safely?" She said, "cos Im not sleeping with anyone else" wen then laughed about it, and she said it was a bit too serious of a talk. hahah. OH well, ill learn to be smoother next time.

About her reciprocating giving head I found out she has a bit of a jaw problem, and after giving head, her jaw hurts, so she tries to keep it to a minimum.

Thanks for your advice. Ill try to tone down the visits to her, and try to make her come visit here more often. Although the next 4 weeks she is in exams, so i will have to do all of thi visitting, she will have no excuses but to come here once she is done with uni for the yr and I am still stuck working. Ill make her come a lot.

THanks again,

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A good job comes from experience
Experience comes from making mistakes