I've always been an AFC, so I have to try hard to NOT revert to AFC behavior...it happens automatically without me having to think about it. I have to reprogram myself here guys. I've read "The Mystery Method", Ross Jeffries original book, and about half of "The Game". I'm learning...I don't think I'm applying it all very well though. I want to be genuine and authentic, so I'd rather come up with my own routines rather than using the canned routines (unless they're something I can customize). For instance, I just can't see me using the "girl fight" opener...I know it would come off as crap because I'd know it's just BS. If I'm authentic, then I'll have much more confidence.

I'm an attractive guy who is social, makes friends easily, I smile a lot, I'm pretty funny and spontaneous (I was the "wittiest" superlative in high school years ago...I've certainly grown humor-wise since then), I've been told I "look like a musician" (and I am)...in a nutshell, I get attention from women. I've had strange women come up to me in bars and say "You're hot!", "I would hurt you", etc. In fact, a cute woman told me "I'd hurt you" Sat night but her BF/date dragged her away from me, and later some other cutie winked at me and flicked her ear (indicating she liked my dangly earring), so I went and talked to her for a minute. I lost my steam with her though...I just ran out of things to say. If I'm out with a group (thank goodness for Meetup groups!), I seem to do a lot better, less approach anxiety, etc. If I'm out alone though, I seem to have much worse approach anxiety, althought my mood does seem to be a factor. Sometimes I just feel outgoing enough that I could approach almost anyone...sometimes I don't. Gotta work on that, as well as other areas.

What the hell am I doing wrong? (I doubt you can answer that...I've got to figure it out myself, I think.)

So, I've got appeal, but I feel like my game sux. I know I do some things very right (dressing cool, smiling, carrying myself well, etc.), but I think there's probably a lot I'm doing wrong...like running out of things to say, not being confident enough to escalate when I should, etc. I need some work. I've signed up for Adam Lyons bootcamp in Atlanta in mid-May. I'm hoping that will get me some first-hand in-person coaching.

I could just use some encouragement here guys. I think some of it is inner-game and just me finding the confidence I need to say "fuck it" and approach anyone anytime in a cocky-funny manner but still "being myself" so that I *feel* authentic.

Feed me some encouragement here, bro's...

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Inner Game, work it out.
Go for it.

If the women somehow "don't want to hurt you" :S
what the fuck is that supposed to mean.

Laugh at them


It's like having a little sister telling you that.
It's so cute.

So tell them that.

Your game seems to be getting better constantly, though.
So there's no reason to quit.


the "anxiety" should be gradually fading by now, so next time you feel it, push it aside or let it be the trigger for when you go up and open women.

Seriously, do that.
Look at a hot woman, and the second you feel the AA you jump to it and open her.


It's not AA it's HOT-Radar. It let's you know what women you want to meet


Reframe the shit



Look into inner game, and next time you're out, observe yourself, and what you do in an interaction.
(If you've done meditation of any sort, that should help you do this)



Cheers

Actually, they meant they'd fuck me until they hurt me! I've been told that a couple or three times so far (and one actually did it), so I know I'm doing some things right...just gotta find/fix the holes where I'm screwing up. Yes, I agree it's "inner game" that I probably need the most work on.

I LIKE your way of putting the AA...reframe it as "hottie radar" instead. Brilliant. I'll work on that mindset.

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

haha
in that case a good laugh is in place.
I find it amusing with sexually confident women.


hehe....
But seeing as you have lots of proof (women blatantly telling you you're hot and they want to fuck your guts out counts as proof) that you are hot,
Why did you still call it anxiety ?

It's more like anticipation.
You know the game is on,
You know how to play,
and you know they can sense it and it will make them even more attracted.

Get out there and ravish them.
They've been waiting for you to appear all night...


So flip the switch, turn on the Hottie-radar and label it as that, and feel that anticipation of what is to come.


You know they want it just as bad as you do, if not they wouldn't dress up and go to town. would they ?




Cheers.

Now THIS is EXACTLY the kind of stuff I need to hear. Thanks Bro!

I need to get myself to the mindset that EVERY woman thinks that, whether they actually say it or not. I guess that's the inner game part, eh?

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

So, I gotta put a process to this to mentally prepare myself for what to do:

Next time a woman who's a stranger tells me "You're hot" or "I would hurt you!", I'm going to try then and there to isolate her. I'll say "I'm not that easy, babe...let's go back here where it's a little quieter [dark little corner] and you can try your best pick up lines on me", then go for a kiss close as soon as I have her isolated. If she already thinks I'm hot or is already thinking about how hard she would fuck me, the attraction must already be there. (If that's not an IOI, I don't know what is!) What do you think guys...sound like a reasonable plan?

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Try that one,

But be careful to not give them everything too quickly. (I've fallen for that and it sucks because her attraction dips)

Mystery's Cat-string theory.


And, yeah, when you get the inner game in those directions, you'll find more and more proof that it's true.

"What the Thinker thinks, The Prover proves"
When you believe something strong enough your mind will do anything and everything in its power to prove these beliefs for you.


Inner game is king

Cat-string...ok, got it. Perhaps I should make it more teaseful? "Let's go back here where I can interview you to see if you're the best candidate." The "interview" would include a kiss-close, of course.

After I've successfully kiss-closed her, should I continue to push-pull her toward an f-close the same night? Or push-pull her to bounce to another venue first? "Let's go get some breakfast somewhere a little quieter". (I've had some success bouncing women to another venue from these single's meetup groups I've been hitting. "It's winding down here, let's go to XYZ and continue the fun.") Or should I bounce her to my house? I can use breakfast as an excuse if she's alone. I can use hot-tubbing as an excuse if there's other folks that she doesn't want to leave. Hmmm...gotta think this through and have a plan of action!

I have to admit, I'm enjoying learning this process. It's going to take some time to get good at it. And as always, I really appreciate all the great advice on this forum!

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

That's simple. You need to spend some time practicing your conversational skills. Theres dozens of books and dvds that can help you overcome this specific defect. Anxiety isnt the problem, its the effect of the problem. Because you can't seem to say the right thing and run out of things to say, you have built up this anxiety because youre afraid of it happening again. I suggest working on conversational skills to build up some more confidence thus ending this anxiety. Hope this helped. Happy hunting.

Try different stuff and learn to Calibrate to the situation, dude

Yup, you're right. Practice makes perfect, right?

I'm diggin' your comment above..."Get out there and ravish them...they've been waiting for you to appear all night." I gotta print that one out and tape it to my bathroom mirror or something.

I'm taking every opportunity I get to open women. I got the email address of a cute waitress tonight. Damn, it was easy...she's studying music management in college, I told her I was a musician and would love to pick her brain...asked her if she had a card, and she said "No, but let me give you my email address." The guy I was with just looked at me..."Damn, that was smooth". Sometimes I get it right...gotta work on consistency though.

Cheers guys!
Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.

Nice

Of course, you have to try things to find out what works for you, and when.

If your home is nearby you may bounce to a venue, but drop by your home and pick up X first, leaving her in the hallway while you go in and get the thing, and then leaving right away, (instead of getting comfortable right away and inviting her in and such)

That way she'll already have been there and it's no longer a new barrier to break, if you get it.

Same goes with dates, tell her to meet you at home, and when she comes to pick you up, tell her you've just got to grab X first, then as soon as you've got the tie/blazer/shirt/whatever, you bounce, leaving her curious about the rest of the apartment/home.
This way you also don't have to worry about her arriving fashionably late or whatever, since she'll arrive when she does.
(cred goes to David D.)


But hey, try shit out.
Invite them home when they get comfortable with you, experiment. calibrate.
Worst case:

""Why don't we go back to my place, listen to some smooth music on the stereo..." "no thank you" she said..."-Tom Waits.

Best case, you get laid.


(That's simple thinking, of course, but no reason to make things more complicated in your mind when you have no idea what happens, right )

All right, Cheers.

Im actually coaching a close friend about the same issue (based off your first post, Gruuve).

You have style, you have attraction, you arent beta, but you spin your wheels when talking to a strange girl solo and it effects your frame, therefor you blame it on not being good enough at the game, while at the same time recognizing the fact that much of what you are reading is unnatural to your style.

1.) Dont focus on routines etc that seem highly unnatural to your own style. I recommend people still try them out, so they can learn a bit about women and themselves, but dont focus on it.

2.) Inner game, as mentioned. Focus on your frame. You are a cool guy, you have these great qualities. Dont let that slip, dont put yourself down like that. Which brings you to the next point..

3.) Direction. What are you going to do with this woman? What are your motivations, where do you want to take her, and yourself? So she is hot, and you are kinda single. That part is easy enough. You are uncomfortable talking to her, not so much because you dont trust yourself (innergame reinforcing your frame here), but because you dont know her.

So the trick to not spinning your wheels here, for you, is simply to get to know her. Ok, you've opened, you had a bit of quick fluff convo, ask her a bunch of questions about herself. (get her to qualify and invest in you first.) Try to avoid the boring routine shit (work, what do you do on the weekend, etc), but ask her a few more profound questions about her desires and beliefs instead.

1. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would it be, and why?
2. When you were a little girl, what did you want to be when you grow up?

Those are just examples, try to think of some of your own as well.

Now she is opening herself up to you, and you go from there and branch out on anything that is interesting or intelligent to you. Keep it light and humorous, but still the underlying idea is serious, you are basically interviewing a person about their inner self, without asking outright direct questions, "who are you, what do you believe in, etc".

At this point, feel free to talk about yourself, talk about your passions, but dont label the facts, instead focus on the reasons. WHY are you a musician, what makes you happy about that, etc.. I guarantee you even if she isnt attracted to you, she will be interested to know this stuff...

The trick here is to disclose a lot of personal, insightful information about yourselves, without using short, boring, questions that can be answered flatly in one sentence, or worse, a few words.. Conversation like this just flows more smoothly, more naturally, and tends to branch out into spontaneous discussion, which is really what you want. Once its spontaneous, your wheels arent spinning anymore, are they? And at some point, you will wont feel like she is a stranger anymore, and any remaining doubt in your mind will just evaporate away.

Daggaz...brilliant post. You are touching on exactly where I need to go. Yes, I run out of things to talk about because I don't "know" her. You are exactly correct. I have to figure out WHY I'm not feeling "like I know her". I get that vibe from most women (actually, people period) that I strike up a conversation with in cases where there's no sexual interest or intent. THAT would lead me to believe that perhaps I'm not disarming the target well enough. Thoughts?

So, perhaps I'm not "disarming" the target well enough...or perhaps there's simply no attraction I am sparking in some of these cases (does the right stuff always work EVERY time? If I'm perfectly executing everything, the answer should be "yes", right?)...or...perhaps I should simply take it as a good indication that her and I have nothing in common to connect on (I don't like this assumption...it means there's nothing I can do in those cases...but then perhaps moving on to easier targets IS the right thing to do?). Not sure which one is the case, although it's probably best for me to assume I'm not disarming her well enough and/or not pushing the attraction buttons well enough after I start talking. That puts me in control of my own destiny since those are things I can work on. Either way though, I think me just continuing to approach anyone and everyone gives me more practice at it all...as Adam Lyons says, if you don't approach, you're probability of success is pretty much zero...at least if you approach, it's greater than zero!

We'll see...I'm still working on getting better at this, and I probably will be for a long time! (But that's a good thing, IMO. This is a big growth opportunity for me personally.)

Gruuve

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Divorced dude having a good life.