| Growing up in a small Indiana farming town, raised by ultra-conservative parents, and being the eldest of three boys, I never really knew who to go for advice about girls. One of my largest sources of information was from my good buddy Dustin Quear. He always had some new theory on how to get girls attention and make them like you. However, with a last name like Quear, maybe I shouldn't have taken him so literally (He has always said if he ever has a girl, he is going to name her Anita).
I distinctly remember one day in the 4th grade, we were standing in single-file line in the hallway, about to walk to lunch. Our teacher had just given us the "Quiet Coyote" and Dustin had strategically placed himself in line directly behind the girl he had a crush on. I noticed he was standing abnormally close to her and had a kind of funny posture. He leaned back and whispered in my ear, "If you put your penis on a girls butt, it means you like her. If she pushes back, she likes you too." He was actually standing behind the girl he "liked" with his crotch thrust forward to "show he liked her."
He leaned back and whispered to me again, "I have a boner."
Later that day, I decided I must attempt this technique on my favorite girl in the whole school and the woman of my dreams. So the next day, I make sure to put on my best pair of GI Joe underwear and head to school with the plan all thought out in my head. I would get behind her at lunch, just like Dustin did, I would get real close and push my crotch out until it touched her butt, just like Dustin did, and she would push back against me and we would be boyfriend/girlfriend from then on.
I followed the plan. With a giddy-ass grin on my face, I hurried into the lunch line and quickly fought my way for the position directly behind my "target." I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I took a step closer to her. It was beating in my ears and I was almost certain she could hear it. I took a big gulp and turned around to look at Dustin who was smiling from ear to ear and giving me two big thumbs up. "Alright here we go..." I leaned back a little and slowly and ever so gently pushed my timid crotch out until it just touched the back end of this girl. Then...nothing...absolutely nothing...just my little 4th grade boner pressed up against this girls butt...she didn't push back...
Oh what that girl must have thought of me...
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Fresh off the night with B Bad in South Pasadena, I wake up for my epic birthday celebration. I know this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. I have 13 hours of partying ahead of me and I'm going to make the most of it. It just so happens that the day we chose to celebrate my birthday also happens to be the same day as the major alumni event for my college. My roommates and I get all dressed up in our school colors and roll out to the venue around 12:30PM in order to get there in time for the basketball game. We arrive at the bar, but are some of the first ones there. I make it a point to introduce myself to everyone in the room, including the bar tender and wait staff. I'm good and warmed up and totally in state by the time the place starts picking up.
I open set after set with high fives and cheers openers. I'm just meeting people and being social at this point. It's almost too easy since everyone is here to network and party with fellow graduates. I end up meeting this gorgeous three set at the bar (all 9's). They had special cups that were iconic at my school. I open with, "Fuck you guys! Where did you get those cups?!? I'm so jealous!" We move on to introductions and a short amount of fluff talk between the four of us. I leave the set warm and move on. I open a few more, then chill with my friends, then back to the three set minus the least attractive girl. My target is the tall brunette with the slight attitude problem, just because she is the most challenging to hook.
I can't remember exactly what I said, but she eventually hooked and I have her isolated near the bar. I'm locked in leaning against a table and we start talking about "nice guys." She tells me that she has only dated nice guys and is tired of it because she is a bitch and just walks all over them and it's boring. We banter back and forth a little and I'm starting to get some IOIs. I begin qualifying her.
Sardonyx: So, I'm curious about you. What are three things that would make someone like me want to get to know you better?
HBBitch: I have no idea. I'm boring. Nothing I guess.
Sardonyx: What the hell? You tell me you're a bitch and then you tell me you're boring? Only cool girls really deserve to be bitches. What is something you like to do in your free time.
HBBitch: I love going to art shows. Blah blah.
Sardonyx: No way! That's fucking awesome. I really respect someone who is in tune with the arts. Can you cook?
HBBitch: Not at all! It usually comes out burnt or something. I can make egg-in-a-hole though!
Sardonyx: Egg-in-a-hole is one of my favorite breakfasts! Here's the plan, I'll come over and cook you dinner because I don't want you killing me if you tried to cook, then we'll go out on the town and party it up, then you can cook me egg-in-a-hole for breakfast in the morning.
HBBitch: Haha! That sounds awesome. Blah blah.
I number close her and fluff talk for a bit more. I eventually get back to my friends and continue the celebration.
Towards the end of the night, I see this obviously hammered guy hitting on one of the girls I had hooked earlier and she looks really uncomfortable. She has a few guy friends with her, but they aren't doing anything to stop this. The guy is physically pulling her into him and she is leaning away with her hands on his chest turning her head to the side. I go in super high energy with a big-ass smile on my face. I raise a drink and shout something obnoxious. I get the guys attention and seeing her opening, the girl escapes. I throw my arm around the guy and say, "let's go get a drink." He agrees and we start heading toward the bar. I tell him I will be right behind him and send him on his way. I go back to HBVictim and ask her if everything is cool. She and all her guy friends are thanking me for getting that creeper out of there, so I start talking with HBVictim some more. I quickly get a ton of IOIs and number close before leaving the venue and bouncing over to my buddy's place.
We get changed, make ourselves a cocktail, and head out to this club where my buddy knows a bouncer that can supposedly get us all in with no problems. However, when we arrive, our guy/girl ratio is so far off, he can't afford to let us in since there's such a huge line. I tell him we're still waiting for our other girls to arrive, and I immediately go pull 4 smoking hot Indian girls out of line to come in with us. It does the trick and we're in. I open a few sets near the bar, some hook, some don't. The best one was this awesome looking girl in a three set with really cool hair. I walk up and open with, "I loooove your hair!! ... Did you do that on purpose??" She has a completely shocked look on her face at first, her friends start cracking up and I calibrate the delivery with a smile. The set blows open and hooks super hard. HBHair and I banter and fluff talk for about 15 minutes while her friends are getting drinks. I number close her and they all end up heading to a different part of the club.
I open a few more sets and chill with my friends when I get a text from HBHair.
HBHair: Sooo it got uglier upstairs... I mean the people.. Yup... We might be the only hot ones
Sardonyx: No way! There's no way you're going to get me to come up there. I don't care how many blowjobs you offer. Just bring your hotness back down here.
HBHair: I'm back down
She and her friends walk back up to me and my group and complain how it totally sucks upstairs. I end up pawning the other girls off to other sets and have HBHair in isolation for the rest of the night (about 30 minutes). We totally clicked and were just vibing the entire time. They were about to leave to go get food and invited us to come with, but I couldn't figure out the logistics. I didn't drive, my friends wanted nothing to do with these girls, and most of them just wanted to go home at this point. HBHair and I part ways after a 30 second comfort kiss close and I get a text from her about an hour later.
HBHair: Hey it was a pleasure.... look forward to meeting you again... Going to pig out, lol.. Goodnight drive safe
I don't answer, but instead decide to give her a call in the morning.
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-That's my two cents...
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