I've adapted a little story of somebody's, for it to suit me more. I'm looking for some feedback and pointers that could Improve it. I'm not too sure if theres enough high value or too much etc.

(Hook) There was this one time when my friend told me his girlfriend cheated on him.

(Scene) He was so upset and depressed looking, It seemed that he was willing to end his life. I was like shit! I can't lose my friend! He means the world to me! We've grown up with each other and have so many great memories together, I can't lose him now! So, I talked over with him and found out that he wasn't so sad about what she did, what hurt him most was that he trusted her so much and he couldn't find himself to trust another woman ever again.

(Qualities) That night, I gathered up the boys and took him out. Now alcohol makes symptoms worse, I advised he didn't drink so I didn't either. It didn't take long till we got into great spirits and were having so much fun and watching him laugh and smile, I could see he was finally happy again. Oh yea plus he even meet a girl, got a date and she turned into his next girlfriend.

(Punch) Afterwards, He told me that I was the greatest guy in the world and thanked me for supporting him, 'heh thats what friends are for right,
It was a great feeling knowing I had helped another person out and that inside it made me happy and satified.

Have you ever done anything special to help someone out?

_________________
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost.
--It's all in the STATE OF MIND--

Come on guys, reply please

_________________
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost.
--It's all in the STATE OF MIND--

WEAK

The spikes are OK, the actual story sucks. Needs gutting. Has no point to it. Not realistic or interesting, lacks substance.

TRY AGAIN

Or field test it, just to see the kind of reactions you get, might be a learning experience.

_________________
- VIRGIN -

Ok guys, I'm not going to be an asshole keyboard jockey who pretends to have game. I'm a virgin, weight my ideas/advice accordingly.

Thanks, thats all I needed to know (Y)

_________________
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost.
--It's all in the STATE OF MIND--