Hey All,
I'm going through a bit of a struggle and could use some advice. First, off I've been divorced for 3 years. My ex and I divorced because she was cheating on me with her boss. We split soon after i found out and I didn't date for a year after that. The last two years I have been dating quite a bit and just enjoying new people. I've had several girlfriends but none have been serious. I met a beautiful girl about 4 mths ago and it's been great. We are monogamus and have had the exclusive conv. My problem is that I'm finding I've become some what needy and have major trust issues now. They never were there before so I'm pretty sure it's from the big D. I'm a very confident, good looking and athletic guy, but i'm scaring myself with two things and they weren't ever their before. First, I don't feel like I can trust her and she has never done anything to break my trust. The second thing is feeling needy. Like i need to have her call text me all the time. As far as trust, I want to check her phone....I have all these compulsions to catch her and no real reason to suspect anything. I can't help but think she is seeing someone else and it's illogical for me to feel this way. I know in my mind I'm going to scare and push her away and I don't want to lose her. I guess I could just use some advice on what I need to do for myself...counseling, tell her I'm crazy lol.. Thanks

John you may be over your ex. But it's like your brain has taken some damage. That's a crappy situation you've been through. It would be tough on anyone of us. I think your esteem has taken some real hits.

People who cheat are just scumbags. It has nothing to do with you. If your wife was worth keeping, if she had issues with you, there are about a million other options she had to communicate that. So she did you a favor by showing her cards.

I know you've heard that before. But it's not till you truly believe it, will it help. Work on your needyness. Do a "search" on this site, their is a mountain of good info on that.

You did mention counceling. I've been to counceling and it is really sort of nice. Guys think it's for wimps but it is not. Fact is, real men do whatever the frick we want. If you had an issue with your car or your ankle you wouldn't hesitate to get some expert advice. It's all part of making that refined package that stands out.

Oh,, and one last word of advice. I don't presume to be an expert on anything and I'm sure that their are plenty of better minds here with better ideas on what you ought to do.

But here is one thing I do know. When you start spying on your lady, when you cross that line,,,,.. It's one path you don't want to go down. There is nothing good for you there. You can't come out undamaged. You will lose a piece of yourself.

Good luck Bro...


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Take care.

Don't ever bash yourself for feeling skepitical to trust someone. No one said you have to trust everyone. You learned that the hard way. BUT, be sure that you never convey this. I know how you're feeling and I know how gut-wrenching it is. But you have to realize, if you say something like "If you ever cheat on me, we're done" or get caught checking her phone this isn't going to make her not want to cheat on you. If anything, it'll make the forbidden fruit seem more sweeter. This is going to be the most counter-intuitive thing, because I remember how I felt when I first learned this, but this is the attitude you should have:

HB: What would you do I cheated on you?
PUA: He better be good looking or else im gonna make fun of you.

Or hell, playfully introduce her to guys and bust her balls about how this guy is so perfect for her. It'll make her want you more.

You're living in abudance, remember?

Nightrider's right on the money; the second you give in to your paranoia you lose, and the repercussions of feeding this kind of irrational disrust will have a knock on effect. So you check her phone...where do you draw the line next time? Her email? Following her?

Nothing hammers your self esteem like guilt, or the remorse that comes with knowing you hurt someone needlessly. This I know from nasty, nasty personal experience, and by the sounds of it, the last thing you need is another hit to your confidence. If you allow yourself to act on any of these feelings you'll do just that; you will inevitably push her away, and the next person, and the next person. The whole situation will endlessly repeat itself in some nasty negative feedback loop. So it comes down to getting a handle on your feelings, rather than looking to her for reassurance. In your current mindset she will never be able to reassure you enough, so looking to her for solutions is pointless, and can only do harm to your relationship.

Again, agreeing with Nightrider, counselling might be your best solution; there's no shame in getting help to work through whatever underlying issues are causing you to feel this way. It would seem your divorce had a much deeper impact than you might have thought. I really, really wish you the best of luck with this; from my own experiences I know it's a pretty horrible way to feel about a person you care for. But similarly, I know that you can come out of it if you're proactive about getting help. Again, best of luck mate.

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"Regretting the past, looking forward to the future, while never being satisfied with the present, this is how my life is spent." - Tchaikovsky

All of the above is good advice. Another thing you must realize is that, this female shouldn't be punished for the actions of other females. Not only that, but as mentioned before, if you don't get a grip on your emotions, you will destroy the relationship you're so desperately trying to save!

Just come to terms with yourself; realize that, yea, you're damaged from the bad experience. But look at it this way; if bad experiences can damage you, then good ones (Such as the ones you can experience in the current relationship!) should be able to heal you.

Also, if you have a really good relationship, and it is deep enough, try explaining these emotions to her. If she is deep and understanding, she shouldn't be scared away. Also, it will make her conscious of what's going on, therefore forcing you to watch your next move.

-TAL

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This isn't just about picking up girls; it's about building a life!

I agree with this right here. My girlfriend told me straight up one day when we first started going out that she had trust issues. I care a lot about her, so I accepted that fact and told her I understood. It makes both parties feel better knowing the issues are out in the open. If shes worth it, she'll understand.

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The hottest ginger you'll ever meet.

I don't have an ego, I just love how awesome I am.