My wife is a total drama queen. She had an encounter with her boy-toy (we're in an open marriage) 4 weekends ago. He came here to our house. It didn't go all that well. She broke some of her and my rules, made some bad choices, put me in an awkward situation, and now blames me because her weekend didn't go well. As well, I think he's seen her be a drama queen now (she went off on him one night after the weekend in question, and he doesn't seem to want to talk to her anymore...I can't say that I blame him, if I were him I wouldn't talk to someone who went off on me), and isn't really interested in continuing any kind of physical relationship, and possibly not even friendship with her.

We originally agreed that we would both manage our emotions with whomever we ended up with as partners...we'd view any other person involved as a "sex toy with a heartbeat". However, she's going through this 4-week ordeal of self-inflicted emotional torture because he might not want to do her again and might not even want to be her chat-friend anymore. Doesn't sound like she's following our agreement does it?

Anyway, I actually gave a lot to her in terms of letting her have whatever freedom's, getting myself out of the way, etc. She doesn't seem to appreciate that at all...I stayed at a friend's house one night during that weekend so she could have a completely uninhibited romp with her BF, and I texted her that was what I was going to do. For instance, she's upset that I texted her instead of calling her. Can you say unnecessary drama? I want to just tell her "Stop the drama and thank me for helping you instead of complaining that I didn't do it right."

Ahhh...feels good to vent. So, how do you best handle a drama queen in a relationship? Just pretend you are completely unimpacted by her drama, even if you actually are?

Cheers,
Gruuve

_________________
Divorced dude having a good life.

The best way to handle a drama queen is to be above the drama. She's trying to suck you into an unnecessary fight, but you're better than that. Girls create drama to add excitement to their otherwise boring lives. Sounds like she just lost a main source of excitement, her boy-toy, And now she has to find something else to escalate her emotions. Girls are emotional beings, they need it. Give her something else to ravel her emotions and the drama should stop. Just remember you're better than to be sucked into her shit test.

Bone

"Stop the drama and thank me for helping you instead of complaining that I didn't do it right."

That would be my approach. I don't have the patience for drama, so I usually call a girl out quickly if she starts with the bullshit, but that's just me.

_________________
Keep people off-balance and in the dark by never revealing the purpose behind your actions. - Robert Greene

Guys, Gruuve is married...he is talking about his wife, someone he cares about, and is in a relationship with. You can't approach the situation the same way you would a girl who didn't matter, or should "know her role." At least I hope he can't... being marriage and all

I know I have formerly disagreed with an open relationship - I have not seen many work - but I am all for trying to keep one going! My best answer would be to talk about it; it is a simple and obvious answer, but sometimes those are the best. Don't be aggressive when talking about it.

In some relationships, there comes a time that little actions and attitudes the other person conveys begin to bother you. If not addressed, they build and build and build and build. Eventually, they become something that annoy you so much you can't tolerate it - leading to a loss of temper, heightened anger, a "blow up": see your example above.
Other times, they build up and lead to resentment. You begin to actually dislike the person when these things are happening.

That is why you have to address what bothers you. Communicate what bothers you. Obviously you can't pick out every little detail and make it into a problem. You have to accept most things - and hopefully that is the case. But the ones that dig a little more, and build a little more - those are the ones that should be addressed.

Long post, but here is what I can recommend. Both things that people very close to me have said. They are conflicting, and I can't tell you which one to follow - but I like both.

1.) Have little arguments all the time that have no purpose or meaning; arguments that are not detrimental, and ones that will not build up or impact the relationship. By triggering minimal aggression and letting out whatever steam is in there, the "tea kettle" (other persons anger meter) will never have a chance to build up and eventually whistle and blow.

or

2.) Find what the problem, is in your mind. At that time, you are thinking emotionally. Emotions can not solve issues, they only feed the reaction. After understanding and realizing what the problem is, walk away. Talk to a buddy about it, blow off some steam, punch some walls. Then STOP thinking about it. do something else. Do whatever you have to so that your emotions don't feed it. Come back to in 12 hours later, maybe even a day later. You know what the problem is, so NOW, look at it logically. Is it still even a problem? Maybe it is - so decide how to address it. It is much better facing an issue logically and coming up with a reasonable solution than it would be emotionally.



With those two written out, i'll say for your specific case, this seems like an issue that has only built up. It does bother you, and it seems you are thinking about it logically. If it is truly a problem, then why NOT communicate? It is a very important part of relationships. I don't think you should be asking how to deal with a drama queen. She DOES impact you, so don't pretend that it doesn't.
Approach the interaction non-aggressively. Sit down, talk about how she isn't being fair, and how you two can work on things. Explain your FEELINGS, not your annoyances. Then have her explain her feelings; find out why she is upset....maybe in her mind there is something that justifies her overreactions. Maybe she doesn't even think she is overreacting. A good relationship has growth. don't look at this negatively...you two are growing together!

_________________
[color=red:7c51ae7520]email is a better option: thelockestar@gmail.com[/color:7c51ae7520][/size:7c51ae7520]

Locke...what an on-the-money post!

I've dealt with this for years. Very small things become some huge ordeal to her. She over-reacts to far too many things, so I'd say not only are we trying to make an open relationship work...we're trying to make a relationship work period.

She suffers from depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, uncontrollable temper tantrums where she decides to be verbally abusive, etc. Recently she began scratching her arms (cutting herself) over the emotions around her boy-toy and the not-so-great weekend we had. Yes, I know...this woman has psychological issues. And she kept it hidden, even for years after we were married. She's in SPAM for these issues but who knows if she's actually being honest with her therapist or not, she's on medication for depression, and she's on meds for anxiety. The reality is that she can't help the way she is. However, if she were an alcoholic or drug addict, I'd say "fix the problem or get out". I'm nearing that with her psychological state as well, and I've already issued that ultimatum where her periodic verbal abuse is concerned..."one more explosion on me and you'll find all your belongings waiting on you in the front yard the next day". I've put up with it for years now, I've been patient, I've been kind, I've forgiven her more times than I can count, I've tried to carry her through her tough times, etc. Now, I find myself feeling like I've had enough and I'm drawing the line. No more door-mat here. She can shape up or ship out, it's that simple. I don't mean to sound cold guys, but you have to draw the line somewhere. And unfortunately, she only responds to ultimatums...and even then it's only for a limited time before she slips back into her old behaviors.

Somehow, I don't believe I'll be growing old with this person. I can do much, much, MUCH better. Sometimes, I'd much rather be alone than with her. The question in my mind is: can we keep it together long enough for our daughter to go away to college and be minimally impacted by it? (That would be about 12 more years...not an appealing thought to me at this point.) If I can muster up some "tools" to help me deal with her bizarre behaviors better, then that makes the situation more liveable. Make sense?

Don't get me wrong...I absolutely love this woman. I truly mean that. In fact, if I didn't absolutely love her, I'd have been gone YEARS ago! I would have divorced her after the first year we were married. However, the reality is that sometimes love just isn't enough to make a relationship work. When she's good to me, she's really good to me. But when she's not good, she's just fucking aweful.

It's not fair, but life just isn't fair. I wanted to try swinging, she's the one who suggested an open relationship. After thinking it over, I realized that an open relationship works best for her in the short term, but it works best for me in the long term whether we end up together or not. (What I mean here is that women can easily find sex...men can easily find long-term relationships.) And that's life fellas. Sometimes when you're married you have to ask yourself "is this worth it or not?" and then proceed based on your answer. If you find yourself asking that question too frequently, that's probably not a good sign.

Gruuve

_________________
Divorced dude having a good life.

man. I don't mean to be rude, but I have to be harsh and honest. You may love someone, but it sounds to me like you are not IN LOVE with her. There is a lot of hostility, resentment, and judgment towards her in your post.

I do truly recommend you seek couples counciling. Try marriage counciling and see what happens. Then you can say you have exhausted your efforts. Remember Gruuve, a stable single parent household may just be a better environment for a child than an unstable ultimatum household. If things don't work out, I would not recommend you continue on. Sometimes two people just don't mesh, it is the way of society.

Good Luck!

_________________
[color=red:7c51ae7520]email is a better option: thelockestar@gmail.com[/color:7c51ae7520][/size:7c51ae7520]

Hey Locke...no rudeness nor harshness perceived. Oh yes, we are re-starting marriage counseling today actually. This would be our third round of marriage counseling since we've been married. I'm definitely venting in this thread...better to vent here than on her, agreed?

I definitely agree that sometimes being apart is just the best choice. As long as we can keep things civil, being together is an option. I don't want my daughter around two adults who are arguing with each other constantly...that's not healthy for her and it's UNQUESTIONABLY NOT the role model I want my daughter to see as the example of a marriage.

We'll see where we end up. I love my wife and I know she loves me...but unfortunately, that just doesn't mean that you are both wired in a way that we can get along with each other in the long-term. Our marriage has ALWAYS been rocky...it just wears me down sometimes, especially on her extended "the whole world is all about me" times like this. I'm a very patient man, but I loose my patience with her constant drama.

Cheers,
Gruuve

_________________
Divorced dude having a good life.

Hey Gruuve

I really feel for you. There's nothing worse than being in a bad relationship. And you're making the right decision to stick it out until your daughter can go to college. This is a very good learning opportunity for you. Dealing with a difficult person such as your wife will equip you with mega skills in the game. A couple of books I found really handy were "how to hug a porcupine" (author unknown) and "boundaries" by cloud and townsend. They're easily available with online shopping. Good reading and strength with your difficult situation.

Uh, open marriage. I just recently got married and I can`t imagine purpose of open marriage. Don`t get me wrong, I don`t judge you or anything, but I cannot imagine my wife bringing other guy to our home, or even the fact that she isi seing somebody besides me. I would probably beat the crap out of the other guy and break up every relationship with wife. Call me caveman, or redneck or whatever, but that`s just the way I am.

Once again, I don`t judge you, actually I give you props for being so open mided about this whole thing but damn, it`s way to much for me.

Anyway, I wish you all the luck to work out your situation!

_________________
Natural supreme

Hey guys...thanks for the positive kharma, and for letting me vent.

Things are going a little better. My wife admits that she has too much emotional attachment to her now ex-boy-toy, and she's starting to take some responsibility for her actions that led up to the hurt she's feeling. Now that she's starting to be reasonable, I'm trying to guide her through the process of regaining some control of her emotions and getting the whole thing into a reasonable perspective.

Yes, open marriage/swinging/etc. is certainly not for everyone. I have to fault myself here....even though she was quite positive that she'd be fine managing her emotions where sex is involved, I should have known that she wouldn't be capable of actually doing that no matter how much she believed she could. I probably should NOT have agreed to this open marriage arrangement at all. I would not have if I had seen how much she would hurt herself with it. Sometimes we only learn from mistakes though.

Now, I'm at a personal quandry. The marriage counselor says she won't see us if we continue this open marriage deal. For me, it's not so much just getting laid by someone other than my wife...the problem right now is that if I don't get to enjoy this too that I will have some long-term issues with my wife breaking her commitment ("if I do this you get to do the same"). Her not keeping commitments has been a long-term issue for us...the only promise she's ever kept was faithfulness, any others have been broken (note: open marriage or swinging is not the same thing as cheating or unfaithfulness...just for the record). Now granted, she's telling me "yes, I want you to go have your turn because that's fair to you"...but we all know women don't always mean what they say. If I go have my turn as well, I'm certain she'll create some drama and chaos over it. (But then, if I don't go off and enjoy myself with another lady, she'll still create drama and chaos over something else...my cynical side says "just go do what she did and enjoy the hell out of yourself while you have the chance!".)

Anyway, I don't want to engage in something that would hurt "us"...the usually type of decision I'd make is to do what is best for "us" rather than what is best for me. However, in this case I have to consider that she clearly did what was best for her and certainly put "us" second. For once in my marriage, I'm thinking I should just be consciously selfish and do what is right for me. The question I'm struggling with is: will it hurt "us" more if I just forgoe getting to have any erotic fun myself and have to carry letter her squirm out of yet another commitment, or will it hurt "us" more if I go have my own fun? Hmmm...I'm pretty sure that I can't release her from yet another commitment she's made without resenting it. I don't know if me enjoying some playtime will hurt us or not, but since I don't know, I *think* that's where I'm headed.

One part of me feels quite frustrated with her because she's created 4 weeks of drama rather than chalking her deal up to a couple of bad choices then directing attention toward me enjoying myself. That's actually what we agreed to originally...we'd both go off and play with someone else, then re-convene and see how we both feel and if we should continue or stop. Our marriage seems to have always been one where I come up on the short end of every deal. And Gruuve is tired of it.

Gruuve

_________________
Divorced dude having a good life.

Sometimes my wife amazes me. Last night we went to an HB's birthday party, the HB is one of my targets (either me and her, or me, her, and my wife). My wife put quite a bit of smooth effort into drawing her closer to us. Damn. I feel bad about venting now.

Relationships aren't perfect ya know? When my wife and I are on a good up-swing, we're really good...when we are on a bad down-swing, we're really bad. I truly *wish* I could reel in the roller-coaster ride, even if it's just a little...it's exhausting sometimes. I'm a very stable person in and of myself, but she manages to drag me up and down emotionally right along with her to some extent. (It's impossible not to get dragged along when you are emotionally connected to someone and care about them.) If I could just smooth out the peaks and valleys, this woman would be the nearly perfect wife. Unfortunately, I know from experience smoothing out the peaks and valleys will never happen.

That said, I'll definitely take the good when it comes my way.

Gruuve

_________________
Divorced dude having a good life.