Well I have a history basically of having constantly being in and out of several relationships since i was 15 up until now (25)..my last one was very serious, i mean it wasnt my longest, was 2 years long, but it was the most serious. The simple reason it ended was that I wasnt ready for a relationship and felt i needed to go out there and "explore myself." Felt I was too young to be tied down and wanted to enjoy life. Her and I had our fair share of issues as well, and we broke up last december over not seeing eye to eye on things. We never got over each other for the first six months but didnt speak to each other either. When we started hanging out again this past summer, it was amazing, and I felt the same love for her but I didnt feel like I was ready to be in a relationship still.

Then I took a good two months or so thinking everything through, and I realized I really wanted her and she meant more to me than anything else. When i confessed all this to her and asked her out again, she rejected me, saying shes with someone else now and is happy. I was heartbroken and have been miserable ever since (past 3 months). I cant seem to connect myself back together, and am feeling very lost and confused as to what I wanna do with myself now. I feel like I dont even know myself anymore, because my goal/dream was to be with her and that goal is shattered and I cant seem to bounce back to my feet.

I cant seem to get over her and compare everyone I meet to her. I was never really any sort of "pick up artist" or "player." I thought I had game but i never really did. In the months that we had been broken up, I was trying to go out there and mess around as much as I can, but in fact, i havent even gotten anything. Three girls all in all, physical with two of them, sex with none. Two of those three I knew previously and they werent new, and the third was a blind date (never again).

I havent done anything with anyone really since we broke up last year, and I cant seem to get over her. I want to learn to meet new girls and go out and date again but just dont seem to go forward with anyone. I can get numbers from random girls I meet but I never end up calling them or going on dates. My standards are very high too. I am told by most girls I know that Im great boyfriend material and would be someone any girl would be happy with. Im tall (6'2), handsome(as told), good build (195 lean lbs), healthy/athletic, good career/income (which wont be affected by the economy either), very well educated (doctorate degree), and have a great personality and am very family oriented. But none of that seems to matter and be of tremendous value because I dont have her and I feel like something is missing.

Before this ex, I was very open minded and approached and talked to any girl and went on dates and wouldnt mind seeing what happened. Now im so reserved and picky. I just dont seem to find anyone that compares to my ex and that is killing me. I turn away so many oppurtunities because in my head, I always make excuses about women I meet and ill find something that I dont like (quick to judge) or assume I wouldnt click with her.

Anyone in this type of situation thats coming out of a relationship or break up and finding it hard to get back into picking up new girls or dating again? Most guys from what I can see here havent really been in relationships and more about one night stands so I dont know how much help I can get but whatever help I get is appreciated. Im more of a relationship guy anyway Ive realized and my goal is to find someone to settle down with, not to have one night stands or random hookups (that was fun maybe when i was 19 or 20 in undergrad). I think thats also part of it, that before I didnt care what the outcome was and just looked at everything more openly. Now that im only really looking for a serious relationship again, the choices are more narrowed down. But I have to start somewhere, and I dont even know the firsts of talking to or approaching a girl again. I feel like im a boring conversationalist and have nothing interesting to talk about with someone.

Thanks to whomever has taken the time to reading my essay.

Well, quite the predicament. But, I think I can be of help to you. Your ex, you to just get over her (hard as that sounds) when you think of her, think of the bad qualities. And as for you looking for a serious relationship, they all start the same way a one night stand would, approaching the girl. Just read up a lil on the inner game and its gonna click sometime after you start making approaches. Good luck to you kid. Im here if you need me.

_________________
-dw3llz

No I am not getting over my ex. That is the problem!

I don't know how popular this advice will be on this forum because I haven't seen it mentioned too much, but after going through a rough break-up myself (divorce), I actually found counselling to be the only thing that really helped. When I got hitched, I had pretty much settled myself in to married life and starting a family; divorce left me with a lot of doubts and ambiguity, because I hadn't planned for single life at 30. Within all the confusion, I lost my passion for anything, didn't know what (if anything) I wanted in life, and eventually became depressed.

Counselling carries a big stigma, but the fact is, you're going to an EXPERT who is specialized in understanding your problems and helping YOU find a solution. Just be sure to find someone good who isn't there to milk you for sessions while not actually trying to solve your problems. My guy basically helped me get a real good understanding about my situation, helped me understand why I was unhappy, and then helped me flesh out a plan to overcome it. It's 3 years later now, and life isn't necessarily all roses, but I really feel like I'm living life the way I want to again, and I'm happier now than I ever was during my marriage or after it.

There are a lot of clever guys on this forum, and I think you can find great advice for getting over various problems, finding opportunities, or sharing experiences. However, looking at your post, it sounds like there's a bigger fundamental problem in your core that you have to deal with, and few people here will have the expertise that can be provided by a specialist, and even fewer of them will be able to give you the comprehensive advice and attention you might really need.

Anyhow, I don't know if your situation is as extreme as mine was or if I've been reading too much into it, but I thought I'd throw this opinion out there. Counselling is NOT as big of a deal as some people make of it, and I think many of us would be much happier if we bit the bullet and went through with it. In any event, good luck man.

Good advice...

The reason that we do not recommend it is not that we do not like the idea. It is because it is expensive. I am sure that it is an excellent solution to most problems here. I could imagine going to a psychologist for AA and inner game problems but the problem is that we do try to find inexpensive solutions...

But, I think that if you have the money to spare then go to a psychologist... Couldnt hurt!

Ezo

Ah, that's a very good point. I have to admit: counselling is NOT cheap! Additionally, some of the guys out here offer really great advice. The challenge sometimes is being able to gather the pieces from various posts and making them all fit to each of our specific situations, but if you can manage that, it's not a bad way to make do.

ok...

_________________
new blog of pick-up-artist-forum:

http://pickupartistforum.blogspot.com

Long post but empathic
Been there, done that, got the Tee Shirt! several actually last one I`m still getting over - little by little the relationship is changing.
I got divorced over 16 years ago and still some of the painful ONEITIS remains, which if you really loved her will always remain. Not nice but I got over it as my friends were into a crazy thing - Juggling - I would never have gone on stage as I thought I was too shy and yet I have been infront of over 500 people doing different crazy things and changed my career several times and LOVED it. I met my current ex that way, another change for me is due thats why we are on here, I have been a shop asst, a security driver, a delivery driver. a Juggler/clown and lastly a Masseur.

My answer for your situation is to remember what you LOVE TO DO or maybe a new thing.
GO OUT with your friends and have FUN, having fun is important - no girl likes a WUSS/cry baby and bring your crazy ass back to life and the next GF will see that confidence of character. If you think too much about yesterday you will get stuck.... LESS thinking MORE doing.
Change your clothes, hair, shoes and be a little more extrovert with them.
The waiting for the right moment can be a long long time and you may miss it because she didnt have the right colour hair, while your waiting go out. I wish I had friends who I could call on to just go out with, most of them are settled, so make the oppotunatety to make more friends not just guys but girls too. One of them may be just right, but until you meet em you wont know and you wont meet them in your house.
J1f

Yeah... Well, the advice here is of course not as good as the one you get from several hours of psychotherapy... It is just people gathering who has some experience and try to make sense of what is said on the computerscreen. We just do what we can to help but if you have the possibility, see a psychologist, no shame in that.

Yeah, I know what you mean about the ONE-itis. I got it too, I got it bad but that is being human. Some part of your heart will always be with the ones you love. If it is love... You will still love the sides of the person you fell for in the first place. The hard part is to deal with the sense of loss.
What you need to do is not let it become your world. I got the best advice from a girl once... Keep busy, keep moving. Take your life back! Do things that are completely unrelated to your life with your ex!

Move soldier!

Ezo

Thanks for the advice.

I actually have been to a psychologist in the past on and off, but a lot of it was because of personality disorder issues I believed to have, which caused issues within our relationship, and even after we broke up, my focus was on fixing that, so it was always intertwined with this relationship. I am actually going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow again, following up from last months appt since Ive been feeling depressed and he will refer me again to a new psychologist (last one just retired 5 months ago which means I gotta give this new one the WHOLEE history all over again). I declined to take antidepressants (and dont try to convince me otherwise) mainly because I feel my depression is situational and once I figure out ways to pull myself out and back on a positive mind track I'll be better. Ultimately I feel like I'll be better when I move on and find someone new that works out. I'll see how therapy goes though in the meantime and hopefully it helps. I thank god that money is not an issue but I can easily see how it can be because those sessions add up, especially since they are weekly. I actually enjoy my sessions and feel its great to speak to someone who can provide a professional insight and unbiased opinion.

In response to the other posts and advice, thing is I actually do keep myself very busy. I work monday - friday, monday and sunday evenings I take salsa classes, sunday mornings I play in a basketball league, tuesday and thursday I play basketball, wednesday Im usually at the gym, and friday and saturdays Im usually out with my friends living it up in the city going out dancing, drinking, etc. My number of friends that I hang out with however has dramatically declined in the last year or two, mainly since graduating college.

I keep myself busy, but its impossible to be doing something at all hours of the day everyday week in and week out. Im very energetic but at some point I need to come home. Its when im at home that I start to get lonely and revert back to the negative thoughts. I start looking through my phonebook for people to call and theres no1 to just have a random conversation with when im bored at home like how I would if i have a girlfriend. Everything just becomes boring, redundant, etc. Everything that used to be fun no longer is and I dont have the optimism to bother trying new things really. I feel like im lost and dont know what I want anymore from life or for myself. I dont know where to take my next step. My life has just become very monotonous and stagnant.

In terms of women and dating again, I hate being at that point where you have to start over again. The looking for someone you actually like, then approaching, flirting, seeing if there is IOI and mutual interest, seeing if you click/assessing compatibility, and then dealing with having to maintain all that. I am just not in a positive mental position to start that all over again. I have a very low energy attitude towards meeting women again and I feel at this point only a psychologist would be able to help get out of it. All my friends are tired of seeing or hearing me like this so I stopped talking to them about it, and besides they arent going to provide me with unbiased opinions and professional advice but rather just something to comfort me with. That only helps for a short term being.

Im just tired of being in relationships that fail and therefore Im just not optimistic enough to have hope in new ones. I know majority of the failures in the past were my fault and now im in regret as well. So its also a combination of guilt and regret that are bringing me down and holding me tied to my past rather than looking towards a brighter future.

There is no way at this point in my life that I could build up the natural confidence and swagger needed to be able to approach women with success. If I did do it, it would be all fake and on the surface and not feel natural like its supposed to. Problem also it, is that I know that until I start approaching women and dating again, that this situation is not going to get much better either. Talk about being damned if you and damned if you dont...double whammy??

Yeah man, I'd definitely work with your therapist on understanding the big picture and getting a plan together to MOVE FORWARD and not dwell on the past. It's crazy how many things from your post that I see in myself just a few years back - starting over definitely sucks, and finding meaning in day-to-day life can be hard. On the bright side, I eventually worked through that part and I now have a better idea of what I want and what will make me happy, so it's a lot easier to focus on the "little things" that will get me there. Trust me, those feelings of boredom and pessimism will fade away once you've got something bigger that you're working towards. It's a long road, but you can get there man.

Mate i was in the exact same position wanting to be with a girl who i broke up with and now didnt want me...
I was with a girl for 2 years broke up with her cos i wanted to be single but had no idea how to be single. She was all i knew and that lead me to wanting to be with her again. Its like either be with her and get all the sex, companionship, and affection u want or dont be with her and get nothing.
Do u see what im saying? Your mind is fucking with u putting her on a pedestal cos thats all u know how to do. Ask yourself, why u want to get back with her? Sure she will make u happy and u will get oncall sex, but are those feelings and urges of being single really gonna go away? especially given u havent slept with anyone else. Would u be getting back with her for the right reasons? U wana get back with her cos u wana end these fucked up emotions and feel happy again. U want to have oncall sex, companionship and affection, but uno what, u can have these WITHOUT her. Dont sit there and feel sorry for yourself, thinking she is the one cos SHE'S NOT otherwise it wouldnt have ended in the first place.
Im was in the same position mate and i lost my mind wanting to get back with her. I did some really stupid things like burst in when she was with another guy, but i've come out the other side, met someone else and i've grown up so much because of it.
My advice keep busy, keep active, see old friends, meet new friends, be social and above all TAKE HER OFF THE PEDESTAL COS U WANT MORE AND CAN DO BETTER. Stop associating her with happiness cos u dont need her to be happy. This will take time mate but hang in there.
Hope this helps

i can relate to this so much homes... *shakes head*

ok, im going to take a moment to go all "deep" on you guys.

getting over a relationship is just part of life. it is inevitable that you will find a girl, fall in love, then fall out of love again. everyone must experience pain in life, this helps us become better people.

the idea of falling in love is an intense concept. the idea that you love a girl so much that you want to be only with her. as mystery said "love in emphatuation of the mind". i have recently taken this to heart in my most recent break-up. i not only lost my girl i lost one of my best friends during the whole thing (yea, they got together). love may be deeper than that, i personally do not claim to know the answer, but i can tell you that love is a true human emotion that comes hand in hand with pain.

"there are many girls out there", this i told myself when i broke up with the girl i thought i loved. to the best of my knowledge i had never truly experienced love until this girl, but i ended it because i wanted an HB 10. i thought i could physically do better than her. i soon learned that it was not her looks i ever fell in love with, it was her personlality. we have not seen each other since we broke up, i still think of her often. i took these steps to get over her.
1. i erased her from my phone (but it was pointless i knew the #)
2. i was constantly either around friends or other girls so as not to be alone
3. i started to fill my life with random activities so as not to ever have time to think
4. i started playing a large amount of video games (not recomended)
5. i started flirting with other girls more and more, and i became heavily involved in sarging. heavily
6. anytime i was ever alone and thought about texting her. i texted someone else. i put up every picture of her. i cut her out of my life

if this still does not work do not be upset. if you believe in a religion than you might agree with my opinion that this all must be training for something later. do not fret with your current worries, someday you will look back at this memory and laugh.

do not block out your memories of her, keep them and hold them tight. when you think of her just smile and think "i am glad for the time we had" and move on. many girls will come and go, this is life. attempt to be happy and a joyful person, by doing this other people will want to be around you. this means more girls

i would also like to say this is the time when i found out who my true friends were. looking back i can now say i have found some of the greatest guys i will ever meet. they really helped me. this forum also helped a great deal.

pain is a necessary evil. if all life was wonderful, would we appreciate the rare times of absolute joy in our lives?

i hope this was not to long, please think about what i have said. i really do think this should help. good luck my friends, and remember that someone somewhere out there is going through something just as bad or worse.

with sincerity, shatter

_________________
Who is the 5th of the Final Five?

Hey, I know that this thread is not about me... (I still cannot believe that!)

But, I had an incident recently and have been feeling down for some time... But! I will tell you how I suddenly started feeling better. I made 3 realizations, to get over it you need to feel strong and you need to meet girls and to get a hobby, something to occupy your time.

I decided to go sarging (this has been said before but never really explained). I give myself permission to spend my time on something completely not related to this girl! I stand up straight and tell myself that this girl is NOT worth it! I AM the prize! I AM the ultimate PUA.

(Yes I know I have discuoraged people from identifying themselves with the PUA ideal, this is merely an affirmation, a tool to get out of a destructive pattern of thought.)

The girl was my world so the world is my girl... Fuck that girl, fuck the world, I am strong again! This helped me at least...

Ezo