Ok I don't know where to start so it's all probably going to come out as some sort of blob.

My first problem is that I'm not eloquent. By this I mean, I may (or may) not know what to say and in either case I just stammer um and ar. Obviously I lose peoples attention pretty quickly. This is usually the case when the topics are out of the ordinary. When it comes to things that I know (work/uni/hobby related) then I can go on forever and go really deep and usually loose the people that way (basically I can't make it interesting). Either way if I'm talking to a girl who is giving me IOI's (and not because I approached her, I've never approached a girl at random so it's usually someone who I've been introduced to or or some other circumstances where they pretty much have no choice so to speak) but none the less (I'm an attractive guy not trying to brag especially since I don't really think so but girls always seem to give me complements which is kinda wierd but anyway like I'm not trying to say that I'm ugly but I just dont think that I deserve as much complements kinda thing if you know what I'm trying to say, basically attractive enough for a few but yer anyway) so thats why I guess they give me the IOI's but as I said, due to my lack of eloquence I lose them and I can see the interest in their eyes just fall off a cliff after about 5 minutes of my monotone. If I stop talking they just sit there and don't say anything so unless I talk theres always just an awkward silence. Like I just blame the girls and say they are uninteresting blah blah and that they aren't right for me if the conversation just doesn't go anywhere but the fact is, I've never met a girl with whom I could just sit down and have a normal conversation with. Maybe it's because they are giving me the IOI's and that creates the sexual tension and I don't know but either way conversations never lead anywhere.

The other part of the issue is that whenever I talk to a girl that I can see is giving me IOI's and I heard that just coz girls flirt doesn't mean they actually want to have sex/are interested. Call me stupid by why would you point a gun at someone if you're not intending to shoot them? Anyway, since I'm a virign (yes another one (rolls eyes) @ 23) the fact that they flirt makes me uncomfortable... very uncomfortable. I try to be cool and pretend to not notice it (because I'm afraid to go to second base then third etc etc) partly because I'm so sick of being a virgin and by pretending that I don't care and am not attracted to the girl that I'm talking to I somehow dull down the all the depressed bs that goes on inside my head as result of not really going through with what I truly want if you know what I'm saying.

The last issue is that I'm afraid of being judged. Whether I'm one on with a girl (go figure) or in public as I said I'll pretend to be cool and not care partly for the reason I described above and also because I don't want people to think that I'm hitting on her. I've read that you just have to talk to her as if it's just a normal conversation but how does that work if in order to pick up everywhere it says to say you want "it" but not directly, in other words allude to it. Thats like moving your hand towards your holster kinda thing... as if no one is going to notice! Also I've read that by approaching lots of women you will become more confident etc but how the hell can I do that if I've got that eloquence problem that I talked about at the start. As soon as I start talking all that comes out of my mouth is mush. I can come and say something to a girl if I prepare for what I want to say. So I see a girl and based on my observation decide that this is what I want to say (something about her perfume or something or whatever it may be), basically I have to sit there for a few minutes running the scenario through my head in a number of ways to make sure it comes out the right way and smoothly (basically practicing the sentece or idea a few times) and also figure out how I should act body language wise etc etc visualise it and then obviously by that time either the opportunity is gone or its been 15 mins and it would just be wierd to come up to her after all that time (especially since I don't usually perve because once again I don't want to be judged that way so when I come up having apparently not looked at her the entire time and then all of a sudden start a conversation with her)

Anyway thats my story, would be awesome to hear some advice.

What are you afraid of? That your not going to get the girl?

I suggest you need to work on your inner game. You have alot of self-confidence issues and you presume you actually know what other people are thinking. Do not do this. I used to be the same way. Really the best thing that worked for me was just wanting to get blown out of sets. I thought it would be funny to get the max rejection you can get, but it really never happened. It may not be easy the first time, but after you actually get out there it won't be such a big deal. But you need to build your inner game, otherwise your words and actions won't be congruent.

What is inner game exactly? Not sure if I'm on the same page in terms of definition. And yes I am aware of me thinking that I know what other people are thinking. I think the cause is basically a desire for control even though the truth is, we have little control over what happens around us. But I suppose that comes from the lack of confidence.

What did you mean by "I thought it would be funny to get the max rejection you can get, but it really never happened"? That you felt that by going out and purpously trying to get rejected you would eventually lose the fear of it? And what did you mean by it never happened?

Inner game is the emotional structure that supports outer game. What you are talking about in your first post is mostly about outer game. Inner game has to do with your emotions and how you experiance the events of you life. For example, somone with poor inner game would become depressed and upset when they are rejected. On the other hand someone with a solid inner game would be pleased. Its one less women he has to talk to in his search for the right girl. Identical situations with opposite reactions, both determined by inner game.

Your game is suffering because you are not capable of letting go and flying by the seat of your pants. What Starfox was saying about getting the max rejection is great, it totaly changes your perspective. Basically you go out and do things you know wont work. Something so rediculus and stupid (but not harmfull to yourself or others, play safe!) that there is no way in hell the girl will like you. Try your hardest to get the worst reaction possible out of a women. You would be supprised that nothing that bad actually happens. I was told to go around and just walk up to a women and say "frozen turky". It was weird and stupid but the only response I could get with that was "what?" or "your weird", and thats not bad. Eventually you can learn to make anything work. When I open with frozen turky for example, if she says what, I say "see, I knew I could say anything and you would want to talk to me". My suggestion is to stop reading about IOI's and openers and all that stuff, and get your inner game nice and solid. Without the inner stuff your outer game wont work most of the time.

I also noticed that you think way to much. The human mind is a great thing, but it has a tendancy to block instinct. Sometimes it is more appropriate to just act, and not think about it. You shouldn't be thinking about the situation at hand and determining the proper sequence of events that lead to success. Instead you should try thinking on your feet, let instinct take over.

Your last issue will be handled if you concentrate your efforts on inner game. It stems from a feeling that what you think and experiance is different than the people around you. We are raised in a place where sex is a bad thing, and as a result, anything that leads up to sex is also bad. You need to deal with this limiting belief before you can be comfortable in situations where women are flurting with you.

Hope that helps!

Ok so how do I go about reconditioning the mind to not think so much and rely on instincts more? I've been trying to keep up with as many hobbies as possible. I think that I take my hobbies pretty seriously in the sense that I try to get them to a professional level. When you try to do this you learn a lot about yourself and about life as I'm sure most of you know. Unfortunately whether its be as a result of my inconsistency or just lack of self esteem or just being plain stupid, I've never been able to reach that level of professionalism. I rarely have these bouts of great concentration whereby I'm in the zone. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself but I think that you need to be hard on yourself to achieve anything. I think my parents were quite overprotective and as a result even though I may have good intentions with my hobbies or work, I never get anywhere. I spend a lot of time but that time isn't used as effectively as I now it can be used but I just cant seem to get it all together. How do I condition the mind to be more effective? I've read and experienced enough things to have a good idea of what I must do such as meditation exercies etc but at the end of the day no matter what I start doing whether it be meditation or my hobbies or work, I seem to just go in loops and not progress anywhere and as a result personal growth is happening painstakinly slowly if at all. Any ideas as to how to turn this around? My major weakness I think is that as soon as I start to see progress I immediately relax (maybe because I'm used to having things done for me, maybe because I have low self esteem or various other reasons) but at the end of the day, when people say you need to set small goals and reach them in order to improve your self esteem... well thats balony and it doesn't work (at least for me so maybe thats evidence of deeper things I still need to face up to). When I set massive goals I never reach them, when I start to downgrade them, I never reach them and when I make even the simplest of goals, I rarely get about doing them or completing them. I procrastinate like a madman. I read that procrastination is evidence of low self esteem or fear or something and I've been trying to figure out what it is exactly that I fear and I'm pretty sure over the past couple of years I've exposed and analysed those issues and now I feel like I've run out of the skeletons and I still don't see any improvement.

Basically I was in the mindset that there is no such thing as failure, because even if I got blown out of a set - I'd learn something, so I would always get something out of the experience - so I would never lose anything but gain everything.

The reason I never got fully blown out (meaning girls saying: "FUCK OFF!"; pretty sure it happened to Mystery) even though I was certainly pushing the envelope is because it's the way I speak, it's sounds rude but in a very sarcastic manner. It's difficult to explain, so I wouldn't suggest doind it unless you have a similar personality. But yes you should definitely look at inner game and stop over analyzing situations. Hypnotica and Anthony Robbins are some great inner game gurus.

Ok I got my first kiss last week and I have to say it was shit. Firstly it wasn't a romantic kiss it was more a social lets do this coz it might fun kinda thing and the chick was basically... "kiss me" kinda thing and I pretty much felt that I had no choice and just did it in front of all her mates and my mates which felt awkward as. I don't know whether when she said that I'm a great kisser she was serious or just didn't wanna hurt my feelings. She wanted to do it again after but I said no that time so maybe I am a good kisser but who the hell knows... all I know is that I didn't enjoy it one bit!

This thing about thinking too much and acting on instict is something that I know is probably my main problem. I don't know how to do it though. I've just this week screwed up a relationship with the first girl that I've met in a long long time (maybe 5 years) that I was actually interested in (not the one who I got the kiss from). She was very interested when we first met and I was my usual; extremely passive and cool/I don't give a shit type of guy. Second time we met, she was giving me hints that she was interested and I wasn't responding to them and the third and final time we met she was just completely gone. I knew that I had to do something when we met for the third time but I just felt awkward as she no longer seemed at all interested. My main problem I think is experience.

I don't know how to respond if a girl is like nudging me or trying to get close. I don't know how to do this, that, the other and in the end I just come across as completely not interested which is not the case at all. Assuming that girl that I kissed wasn't lying when she said that I'm a good kisser, then I am obviously not a complete retard when it comes to sexual type contact but since I've never even come close to any intimate type contact with girls, whether it be just simple things like holding hands or what not, I just don't feel confident in what I'm doing and am just afraid of screwing it up. I begin to overthink it, trying to imagine what it would and should feel like and in the end it comes across as just awkward and f***** up. I don't know why I just can't relax and act on instict alone. Like Trickey said, what are you afraid of...? That you're not going to get the girl? Well that's the thing, I'm not afraid of that at all! She's interested, it's not like I'm not being myself around them so I have nothing to worry about.

My main fear is of getting hurt by finding out that the girls actually screwed up in the head and that the stuff that I did with her last week was a massive mistake. I know this sounds like the sort of thing that a girl would say but the only girls I've met in the past have all ended up being someone that I wouldn't want to know let along sleep with so I was extremely glad that I was frigid enough not to sleep with them or get into any sort of sexual contact with them. Maybe I have a very old fashioned view on relationships where apart from everyone around you knowing that you are with semeone... what goes on in the relationship stays between just the two of you, well, at least all the sexual and personal stuff. If she goes blabbing to everyont that I did this or I did that or everyone knows the next day that I asked her out or what happened between us or whatever you wanna imagine and fill that blank example with, then how the hell can I trust her with anything else and especially any of the intimate stuff?

So the fact of the matter is this... yes I don't know how to act based on instinct but at the same time I don't want to act on instict because I want to know the person better before the instict comes out! Or perhaps I do know but my anxiety comes from the fact that I'm not prepared to take the leap of faith and openly say stuff about myself to a stranger. Only problem with that is that by the time you figure out whether that person is someone you want to get know better/closer etc she has lost interested in you! I don't trust people at all. I used to be a blabber mouth where I wouldn't stop talking! Now, all I do is shut up most of the time... I'm the quiet guy of the group and thats whith my friends! whom I've known for years. How the hell am I supposed to get into a relationship with a girl if I'm not willing to share anything with her until she has spilled the beans. Hell I've known girls who I was meeting with for months and it took that long for me to discover the sort of person they were! So basically it's not just my imagination that tells me they might be using you or someone definately not for you. It has actually happened before and there was a massive sigh of relief when I came to that realisation without anything having happened between us. So the irony here is that most guys say that all girls are frigid and uptight and never want to sleep with you on the first night but heck! I understand them completely now. Meet one too many jocks who screw you over and you learn your lesson! Where the hell do you meet people then? How do you meet people apart from inside your friendship circle? I know everyone is looking for different things in relationships but I'm looking for the one I suppose.

I think with me The awkwardness comes as a result of this push pull scenario where she's interested at first and I'm cautious, then I start showing signs... MAYBE and she's not interested and then it's reversed and it all just ends up being a mess. The longer this drags on the less it becomes about instict and the more it is about jumping to conclusions and assumptions which I've experienced now to be extremly innacurate/misleading/incorrect.

Hey man I read your entire "situation" word for word and I can tell you that we're in the exact same boat about 80%.

Read my post "I'm a Good Looking Guy but..." and you'll see I have the same problem, although I dont go into great detail about them as much as you do.

Tell me what you think...