fear of sexual incompetence...



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LadyAholic
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 12:29 am 
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Hey guys!

I have had some "random" episodes of impotence in my life (nothing physical, I have been checked, just anxiety related). Now I still get this anxiety of "what if it happens with this girl", and it is a kinda self fulfilling prophecy. It has happend twice this year, once during the summer (with a girl I met through my social circle) and the other one a couple of weeks ago ( a girl i picked up in a bar)

so whenever I get into a situation where I can escalate it to a sexual level, specially with the girls that I meet in my social circle, I chicken out fearing that i might not be getting it up again, and all the girls in my social circle will become aware of it. And with the girls that I meet randomly, when the moment of truth arrives, I end up trying too hard to satisfy them, too much foreplay etc and it usually ends in disaster.

for example, right now I am working on four different girls that i met through my social circle (a couple of them know each other) and there is a big possibility that I can close at least one of them, but this fear is really making me not escalate with any of the girls. Also with the girl I mentioned above, who I had a ONS with two weeks ago (I couldn't get it up properly...it was funny, I was all boners when we were dancing and kissing, and once in a bedroom, I lost it). I am out of town at the moment but most probably will meet her again late next week, but I am already worried whether I should try to sleep with her again, as a second failure will defintely be a bit too much for my uptight ego at the moment.

I think you have some idea regarding the problem I am stuck in. I know it is all in my head, but I don't know how to get it out :-(. Any ideas?

~LadyAholic..
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Thunder Snake
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 11:31 am 
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I'm going through exactly the same thing. I was about to post about it but thought I'd search first to see if anyone was in the same boat.
It's a self-fufilling prophecy alright. I reccomend looking for the free e-book "Revive your sex drive" It's got some good advice about shutting off the voice in your head that says it's all going to go wrong and instead just being in the moment and enjoying it.
I haven't managed to do that yet but I'm getting there. Also this morning I tried anchoring a touch to having an erection and feeling horny. Again not mastered it yet, I thought about some of my previous best fucks when I was hard as a rock and calmly focused on them till I had a rod in my pants then anchored it to a touch. Hopefully I can use it to put me in a calm lusty state for future encounters. I too am desperate to overcome this problem.
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birdman
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 2:14 pm 
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hey man, i've had the same problem as you for quite a long time. i've posted about it on other smaller forums, nobody seemed to, in the community, have the same issues as me. it was the opposite, premature ejaculation.

it's really messed with my inner game. the thing about too much foreplay is so true too. one thing is i know im great in bed, turning girls on etc. however the problem arises that i rely on it too much, girls will be like "what's wrong with him, he doesn't wanna just jump my bones" but i do it's just become a big issue.

i tried not wanking but that doesn't help too much either. even tried viagra works better but still not great. i think it's both psychological and physical.

let me know how this goes for you boys, i could have the sex life of a rock star now and it's getting ruined. trust me i'd prefer just to not be able to get layed. this is worse lol!

worst thing i find about it is i'll have sooo much fun sexual chemistry or such a great emotional chemistry and it all gets ruined in the bedroom. like it's pwrse for the girl cos she will take it personally regardless of whether or not you mention it as an issue happening in the past.

let me know if you guys get this sorted out cos i would realllllllly appreciate this! let me know what happens that works for you.
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Gargoyle
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 01, 2008 10:53 pm 
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Well lookey here. A bunch of guys that have the same problem that I have! I think I've topped you all - I have been suffering from both problems. I either blow it before I want to, which has been a problem for years, or I can't keep it up during sex. And yes, I too would prefer just to not have sex at all than to suffer the embarassment of another one of these episodes.

One approach I've taken to help with the premature ejaculation is to read a book called "How To Overcome Premature Ejaculation" by Helen Singer Kaplan, MD. It gives solo and couples exercises. The solo exercises have helped me when I'm alone, but because I can't keep it up during sex, the whole PE problem is entirely secondary.

So finally, I threw in the towel and have started seeing a sex therapist. This problem has been going on far too long and I didn't know where else to turn. Since I just started seeing this guy, I don't have too much to offer, except that during foreplay I focus far too much on hoping that the girl is feeling pleasure and I'm not focusing on my own pleasure at all. The anxiety just kills the whole deal.

I'm open to any other suggestions.
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Abdul-aAfc
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 2:03 pm 
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I don't have that anymore but i used to. It happened for about a week and watching loads of porn still didn't help. I could't get a boner about anything
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Matthew Triton
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 02, 2008 5:41 pm 
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Aside from going to your doctor. Look into supplementing with DHEA. I use it for bodybuilding. It is a master hormone in your body that turns over into Testosterone and other hormones. Also it's CHEAP! It makes you a horney bastard with high testosterone levels.

I use 25mg. Do not over dose on this.. you can get hurt. A little research and you are all set. Something you could look into.

Did I mention you can get it at GNC cheap?

Seriously.. no higher than 25mg.

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Mithos
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 7:55 pm 
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this has happened to me before, the cure:

Dont stress it and stop masturbating more than twice a week.
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Chinaski
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 5:06 pm 
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a few thoughts.

quit video porn, it takes you out of the arousal process. some guys are immune to it, others get messed up by it.

relax.

enjoy the moment and understand that what happens will happen.

a cool girl will work wonders.

read sex stories, it's about threading your arousal process back through your imagination. It sounds strange but it works.

Get comfortable being naked.

Hope some of these help.

peace
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PUA Moose
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 8:24 pm 
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well this is a crazy thread to drop in and make my first post in lol but i figured i'd chime in.


I dont have a problem with keeping it up, rather my problem seems to be that i'm all over the map as far as how long i'll last. some days, i'll blow in 5 minutes, and other times it'll literally take hours to get off, if at all. It can be frustrating because in my head i'll want to wreck a girl but at the same time i'm wondering 'o god how's this gonna play out?'

a tip i've done that helps is i'll rub one out before i go out for the night. Helps clear the pipes and brings stress levels down. then when i'm out its less of a worry for me.


A quick question though, for you guys having problems keeping it up, are you drinking earlier in the night? You could have whiskey dick, which is after youve drank a good amt you just cant feel as much arousal and it wont stay up. Just try to think of something thats different from the times you keep it and the times youre having trouble and try to isolate the problem.

Also, sexual encounters are all about being 'in the moment' so try to stay out of your head. Just enjoy the expereince, if you typically have short stamina in bed, focus on foreplay more to get her super aroused and then just finish the job off so it doesnt matter how long you last. hope that helps!

moose
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LadyAholic
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 9:58 pm 
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Thank you guys for the nice replies.
To tackle my issue, I have resolved to do this from today on:
-quit porn(I dont see that much lately, maybe once or twice a week, but now I quit)
-masturbate less often (maybe once or twice a week), but take as much time as possible, dragging it into 30-1hr long episode if possible, visualizing very explicit sexual experiences I have had or fantasies but that deal mostly with real girls that I personally know...
-Read and act on the two books that I recently bought on the subject, namely , "Hardness factor", and "Understanding erectile dysfunction"...

well, will let you guys know how it goes :-)
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Hypnomatt PUA Training
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:13 pm 
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Hi man

I help lot of guys with this issue, believe me.

What happens is when you are stressed you are unable to get wood. However relaxing isn't as easy as that because you are probably worried that you are not going to be able to satisfy her.

I suggest seeing a good local hypnotherapist for a few sessions, they will be able to sort you out.

Matt

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SeanMessenger
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 4:27 pm 
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Full respect to all the advice here, but fuck that. It's missing the issue.

You are totally uncomfortable with these girls, and your body responds appropriately. I had this FOREVA... and the only thing that fixed it, despite trying every other possible solution, was to find a girl i really liked, and trusted, and could talk to, and actually RELAX with instead of constantly thinking about trying to impress her.

Fuck the ONS. That's the worst kind of sex. No real passion, no emotion, no room to just let yourself go and be all in. Find a girl you really like, and open up to her. Be real with her. And then in bed, you'll find she really doesn't care if you are the best lover ever, she just wants to have fun, and for you to have fun.

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SeanMessenger
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 10:56 pm 
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This might help:

Quote:
There's something happening for a lot of men that no one is talking about, and it's gonna kill us.

Men are getting women. Men are having sex with women. Men are fufilling exactly what they thought they always wanted, and finding the worst ironic curse of all.

They get to fuck, but can't come.

And no one talks about this at all. There's and endless source of comic material about the man who comes too quick... and it's all a joke. But you never hear about the silent tragic truth for a lot of men.

They do not feel comfortable being sexual with another person, and can't let themselves go enough to even come.

I know this problem. Hell, I was jerking off happily to porn since the age of 5 (yes, I was a prodigy), but didn't get laid till I was 17. And I remember my clumsy drunken first time so clearly... because I could NOT come.

What kind of fucked up shit is that? Here's the thing I've been waiting for my whole life. Beautiful girla giving herself completely to me. She smells wonderful. Her skin feels like satin sheets. Pussy wet and warm as a hot bath on a winter night.

And 45 minutes of exhausting embarassment later, I decide to fake it.

It kept on that way for the next 18 years. And it's only now, at age 36, I've finally learned how to fix it and be comfortable as a sexual man.

Here's the thing that changed it all for me.

Connect with her. Really look into her eyes. Take your time with her and be with her 100% instead of fantasizing about other girls. I talked about this at AoS and will cover it a LOT more in our upcoming code-named "AoF" seminar.

You get stimulated jerking off to porn because it's safe fantasy. You aren't risking anything, and everything is given to you. But when you are with a woman, you confront your own insecurities as well as hers. No one looks as good as they wish, no one is as free and sexual as they wish. You are both letting yourself open to judgement. So the only way to transcend that fear is to be together in it. Be all in with her. Get excited first. Open up emotionally to her and let her be there for you. Why do you think breakup and makeup sex is so hot? Because it's EMOTIONAL.

That's what's missing. Don't ask your doctor for help. Ask your soul.

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TheDoc
PostPosted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 4:55 am 
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I bought "The Game" yesterday, and had no knowledge of PUA stuff when this happended.

Background:
I'm a young, 20 year old virgin. I recently lost about 30 pounds and have been feeling real good about my body for the first time. The friends I hang out with aren't as social as I'd like so I find myself staying in and hanging with them instead of going out to meet girls.

New Years eve, I'm at a party and am introduced to a 8, someone I'd always considered out of my league. We drank a little and talked a bit, there was definitely some chemistry. Now that I think about it, I was getting countless IOIs all night. At the party, I didn't kiss close, but the story doesn't end there. The girl she came to the party with was really drunk and needed to leave, so I talked the guy I was staying with into driving all four of us back to his place. I put the other girl to bed in an empty bedroom, my friend went to bed, and I had the target with me in a third bedroom.

I stripped down to boxers and got into bed with her and started spooning, while continuing the conversation from earlier that night. She would grind her ass on my dick through my shorts, and I'm sure she could feel me getting hard, but I never made a move.

This same situation happened with a different girl the week before. I find myself in bed with these girls, but never take the next step. Part of it is my fear of being bad at sex, and the other is having close to no experience (even as much as kissing girls)

Its not even a fear of rejection because I'm getting invited with open arms (and legs)

Any advice?
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SeanMessenger
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 12:56 pm 
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relax. kiss her. enjoy every inch of her.

and then TELL HER.

Be honest. Tell her you don't have much experience (true), and you just want it to be great for her (also true). And that's why you are cautious about making a move (truest of all).

If you don't tell her, she will assume that you think she's ugly, feel hurt, and move on (and tell her friends you are a bad lover).

Your choice. :)

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"War is not the answer. Love is."
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