little bit of a background explanation but bear with me...

i've been seeing this girl for about 2 months; very intense sexual relationship, lots of staying over at my place, PDA, saying how she misses me when i'm not around, etc., but we never approached the subject of putting the bf/gf tag on it. it was definitely starting to feel that way, but i know we both had some reservations about it, and had the feeling that it got too intense too soon.

so a few weeks ago, i decided (read: i got drunk and opened my big mouth), to come out and essentially ask what she thought about us, where she felt this was going (if anywhere), and i pretty much got shut down on the spot, and afterwards she started crying and seemed pretty upset about the situation. basically she said she can't go there with a serious relationship right now. it was definitely a shot to my pride/ego, but a reasonable answer, and in all honesty a big part of me felt the same way.

in any case, things got weird. we spoke briefly the next day, and seemed to reach an understanding that we still wanted to continue seeing each other, but didn't want the pressure of a serious, exclusive relationship. everything seemed ok.

unfortunately, she was leaving town for a few weeks in a couple days , so we left on a very uncomfortable, uncertain note. we spoke a few times while she was gone (i didn't want to push too much here or seem needy/insecure), and she's back in town now, but things are still weird. i've only seen her twice since she's been back and the vibe is totally different, very hesitant towards physical affection, almost like i'm getting LJBFed but she's not saying it. i'd like to continue seeing her, even if it's not serious, but i feel like even the possibility of that is vanishing.

so that's the situation as i see it right now...i have some ideas of how to approach the situation from here on out, ranging from a total freezout/cutoff to a serious sit-down conversation, but would definitely appreciate some advice or other points of view, preferably from someone who's been in a similar situation...

any thoughts??
-thanks

The best thing you can probably do is take some time away from the situation. Don't worry too much, just give her her space. Stay busy and active. If she really wants to be with you, sitting her down and talking it out is not going to help right now.

She was enjoying your relationship. It was light, fun and easy going. By asking "where are we going?" you ended up putting an uncomfortable pressure on her. So she feels the walls closing in. Her natural instinct is going to be run. If you chase her hard, she is going to run faster.

Edit: Also, do not do a total freeze out. Let her contact you. Do not be a dick to her when yall talk, just be cool and casual like its not that big of a deal to you at all.

Good luck bro

CK

_________________
success is my only mother fucking option, failure is not.

thanks chino;

that is basically my line of thinking right now. the area where i see a problem developing however, is when we do see each other i feel like i'm screwed either way: if i'm too casual then she follows lead and keeps it on the friendship level. if i express interest and try to go more physical/intimate, then i feel like i'm pushing or chasing, and as you said, i definitely don't want to do that.

perhaps this is a situation where i have to go back and essentially re-game and focus on generating attraction, etc...i definitely feel like i have to get her chasing and wondering a little bit, although in the past i have to say i haven't been very successful getting that kind of tactic to work. any thoughts on this?

-thanks again

Thats a good idea. Work on regaming her. Basically, just hit the restart button. The problem is when you two are together its like the elephant in the room no one is talking about. So it makes things uncomfortable.

Act like there is nothing going on between you two. She may wonder why you are acting like nothing happened. Just say, "I put it in the past. Things have always been really fun between us and I want to keep it that way." At that point she may relax and the two of you can discuss whats really bothering you two (her).

_________________
success is my only mother fucking option, failure is not.

thought i'd update since you took the time to respond, man.

i was going along with the normal/casual staus quo, and unexpectedly she pulled the trigger and dropped the "we need to talk" line a couple nights ago, via text. obviously, i know what this means but i wasn't about to go out like a chump. she wanted to talk in person (another night), but i said no, let's meet up tonight.

this was a touchy situation, and we had a good conversation about things. since i knew what she was going to come at me with, i made sure to dictate the tone and steer the convo. she was concerned we were getting too attached, which she wasn't ready for, and tried the LJBF route. my goal here was to make her feel comfortable with seeing that attachment wasn't an issue, since neither of us wanted an exclusive, serious relationship. somehow, through a combination of logical reasoning (which i know is never supposed to work), a casual demeanor, and some thoughtful, non-confrontational calling into question of her own emotional maturity and openess, i broke down some walls. took layered, repeated efforts, but at the end of the night she came around somewhat and stayed over that night. we had some good deep rapport (which we never really touched on before), opened up a bit, and we agreed that it would be fine to have a more casual, scaled-back sexual relationship.

maybe there's some element of appeasement in her actions (only time will tell), but overall the elephant in the room is gone and it feels like we're both comfortable with this new situation. just gotta keep things light and i think it can still be fun for a while...

_________________
“All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mistakes of our youth”

P.B. Shelley

Glad to see it worked out for you. Unfortunately in a situation like this you have to depend on her to make the move. Honestly, it sounds like she doesnt want to commit to you cause she is into you. She also knows you are the type of guy she can commit to, but doesnt want to take it down the road that far. Your a good guy, but i think you need to be more of a challenge for her.

Give her what she wants when she least expects it.

Best of luck
CK

_________________
success is my only mother fucking option, failure is not.

Yeah, honestly i'm not so thrilled to be in this position. Bottom line is i fucked up. Only thing to do now is keep doing my thing, seeing other people, etc. If she wants it she knows where to find it, if it's still around.

Lesson here is that if things are going well, never, ever bring up the relationship and say something that could scare a woman away, unless you are absolutely sure she's on the same page. If anything, do the complete opposite and pull away a little just when she's feeling comfortable with you.

_________________
“All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mistakes of our youth”

P.B. Shelley