| I guess I'll start at the beginning...
I've posted about this girl previously and she's the last major tie to my past. When I first met her I wasn't even interested in her and talked to her over the past two years. During the first year I talked to her a ton and thought she was pretty cool and wanted to hang out with her sometime. However, I took a break from talking to her (WoW, the social life ruiner) and then when I came back she told me about what started her ultimate downfall.
Her boyfriend had gotten her drunk. He and his friend gang banged her. This is how she lost her virginity. Honestly it tears me up as I'm writing this. I knew her as a deeper person and I just couldn't believe any bastard would do this to her. I had developed feelings for her and felt it was my fault somehow because I wasn't there for her. To this day I still have thoughts that I could've done something to save her even though there's no possible way unless I was physically there.
Sometime this year, around January, I found out about The Game and began reading it. I told this very girl everything I had learned up to a certain point and how my friends and I had gotten into these girls we had just met and gotten into their room within 5 minutes of knowing them during Spring Break and was just shocked that it worked, however I didn't do anything with either of them.
Two months ago I began hanging out with her. She lives about an hour away and I told her she should come up. My best guy friend I tell everything to as well, also knew about game and was the one I went with during Spring break. I told him he should game her for practice or whatever and I will too, telling him I didn't really have feelings for her anyway (Trying to break my emotions for her). This was obviously a ridiculous idea and she began developing feelings for HIM and I had just fallen asleep with defeat trying not to think about it.
The next day I knew I had something because I was so upset, I told him that and basically I tried to still get rid of my emotions. She came up the next week with a friend and I messed around with the friend I wasn't even interested in, just before we kissed I backed down because I was in the same room as she was and My guy friend was cuddling with her, even though he doesn't even like her, because I TOLD him to (again, I thought I could beat my emotions somehow). This led to even more emotional stress on me.
Within 3 days I had told her EVERYTHING, that my friend didn't' like her. I did, all that stuff. I told her she should come up and we need to talk and held her off for about 3 days and didn't talk to her until that day. During that night, I told her I just don't think we should talk anymore and that'd be the best thing for me. We ended up making out that night, however something just didn't feel right. I had made out with one girl before that I had known for 3 days and it was just a much better experience. I got thoughts like maybe she had a smaller tongue and told myself that was why it felt so different.
1 Month Ago:
She came up the weekend after that and I had a horrible day, everything had gone wrong and I took it out on her. The friend that had gamed her as practice she basically built up a lot of sexual tension with him while we were playing basketball and I was REALLY getting pissed off. I left the group and called a PUA that I knew. I told him all that emotional stuff that I was going through and he said I should either cut my losses and just leave or have fun that night. I decided to leave, almost got home, and turned around to come back. When I got back within 10 minutes, a few people were already leaving, the girls included. However, we went inside and talked for a while after that. I told them I had talked to someone else, they were a good friend whatever and the girl said "You could've talked to me about it." They left after a while and I felt horrible for the next few days for being a jerk that night.
Two Weeks Before Prom:
I told her that I was getting jealous of my friend, had a horrible night, everything. She didn't come up that next week because she didn't "want to be yelled at and be told not to talk to you again. I know you're going through a lot, I have emotions too though you know." This made me feel even more horrible and I got more depressed over this. That whole week was horrible for me because I couldn't think of anything but what I'd done.
One Week Before Prom:
She came up, met my parents, and I picked out my tux. We ended up eating Dinner with my parents and I hadn't even planned that. That night we were in my room and she said she had to go, but I kept trying to have her stay and she was probably going and kept looking at me like she wanted me to do something until I just said "okay, you should go so you don't get in trouble". I thought she wanted me to kiss her, and when I did she backed away, and I just kinda shrugged it off and laughed about what she said just before and said "yeah, yeah, whatever." and went back inside.
The next night, she came up again and she brought up one of her friends. We all hung out with my friends. We mud wrestled (she kept coming for me the whole time) and sumo wrestled with pillows (again, same thing). I thought she was interested in me, she just keeps sending signals and then she said something to me about pickup and me being wrong or something when I was telling my AFC friend to throw a pillow at a girl and he argued with me under his breath over it and then said "sorry, but he told me to". Basically I froze her out for a while after that because it did upset me, why would she say something like that? AFC Friend told everyone a story about his stripper experience and saying "I don't know what I'm doing" when she had him hold her boobs. This triggered NLP in both the girl I'm interested in and me and we made eye contact for a long time, I had said that to her during the night not too long ago while we were making out.
We went with them to eat before they left home early in the morning hours and she ignored me the WHOLE time and kept sending the friend that had gamed her tons of IOIs. I was getting so jealous and mad I just wanted to leave, but I stayed and tried to deal with it. I nudged her after a while and told her I wanted to talk to her. Being completely AFC, I then told her about my analysis of the night and how she ignored me whatever and asked her how she felt about me "I don't know" she said. During our conversation, she told me that to get over my fear of touching other people in any way and I have to get comfortable with myself. She went through the same thing apparently and my problem isn't uncommon.
Week of Prom:
During this week many things happened. I got the most attractive girl's number in front of my whole manufacturing class that claimed pickup was bullshit and they were amazed. During this same week, I watched most of the first season of Lost (The girl told me it was cool, and it was). I took so many things that you can apply to pickup from lost (I'm good like that) and my life. During my track meet on Friday night I even ran up to complete strangers that were having a dance off and got involved (I can't dance lol) and it was pretty awesome. I've just done things I've always wanted to do, but my old self argued with me over. Things were good, my confidence was high.
Prom Day:
I talked to some people at my track meet, but had a horrible day at track (similar to the night I was a jerk), however I wasn't going to let that affect me. I decided not to and it didn't. When I got home from the meet she had just arrived and I talked to her. I then got ready, we both looked great, took pictures, and all that other prom stuff.
I took her out to eat alone and we just talked for almost 2 hours, it was pretty amazing. She told me about a lot of things, more mistakes she's made with having sex. I couldn't believe what she told me and she said "Don't judge me." We left a while after that conversation and things were back to being good. It honestly didn't bother me, I like her for who she is and people make mistakes.
When we arrived at Prom I immediately got on the dance floor (I don't dance) and we danced to every song, taking breaks for punch in between. Things were going amazingly in my eyes, there was finally physical comfort between us.
We danced to a slow song and we just made eye contact, were really close and she just looked like she wanted me to kiss her. I went in for the kiss and she just completely backed off and I was just shocked... Everything went awkward from that moment forward because I was just like "WTF?" and made it that way.
The night continued to be awkward for a while, and then we got back to my house after looking for some parties with no success. We ended up on my back porch and I told her to "come here" and she asked "why?" and didn't move...
Here's where the AFC kicked in and I was like "Okay... Whatever." and revealed literally EVERYTHING that was bothering me at the time, the kiss refusals I'd gotten, everything. She's not sure if she likes me, doesn't know what she wants, all that fun stuff that AFCs normally get.
She made out with me that night because she didn't want to lose me, that's why it all felt so off that night. She just can't make up her mind for who she likes. I told her I wasn't satisfied with what we had and want to be more than friends. She then told me that for now I should just move on until she knows and if she does figure it out and I've moved on it's her loss, basically the normal AFC stuff.
I told her that we should just take a breather for a while, and she said "but you know I can't go without talking to you" and I told her we could IM still I guess, but I don't even want to do that anymore.
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Basically... I figured out that she has a low self-esteem because of all the things she's told me, even lower than what I had before our conversation one week ago. Something happened in me after she told me that and I've become a much more outgoing person literally over night.
I honestly do feel like she likes me, but something's holding her back. She knows I'm a virgin and that could play into it (her thinking I'm too "pure" for her to be with because of what she's done). What she doesn't realize is that I don't even care about what she's done in the past, I can argue with the "L" word here, and lose because I do have that strong of a feeling for her. Maybe she's worried that she might have an STD or does. Many more things could play into this, but what I'm saying is I KNOW she likes me, but something's holding her back.
I guess what I'm saying is, I see what the game's done to her. I was even a part of it on both sides and feel horrible for it. I don't want all of my future "successes" to feel so out of place and wrong. I don't want girls to feel like they HAVE to make out with me or have sex with me or else they'll lose me. I want them to actually CARE about me and WANT to do that on their own.
It's seriously tearing me apart now on a deep emotional level because I feel like I'm almost as bad as the bastard that screwed her head up in the first place. I just feel like I have to be the hero and save everyone, but I don't.
Thanks for reading if you have. I'm not really sure if I'm going to continue pickup or not. I'm finding everything in pickup is basically what I did with the little success I've had in the past that actually felt right, but I was too afraid to do in most cases except for one. I just realized that the reason I never had any success with girls was because I never tried, not because I was an AFC. I was too afraid to try, but now that that's over I'm already making progress, so who knows?
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