| Hi everyone.
I'm really glad of having discovered a whole community of people who share most of my lifelong problems with relationship. I don't want to make this sound like a support group/alcoholic anonymous presentation, but I can't help the enthousiam of knowing of all of this, that I'm not alone, and that we all have better prospects for now on by exchanging experiences and helping each other with advice. It really blows me a new spark of hope, when I was almost giving it all up.
I want to turn to this personal report a year after this and discover that I've won out over most of the demons I'll relate here. I really hope that.
I'm a 21 y.o. Law student from Brazil. I've always had trouble with the opposite sex, even if I'm not exactly an ugly man, overly shy or dumb. Actually, I have a strong voice, a well-build stature, and an almost obsessive inclination towards reading. I have a library next to me right now, in my bedroom, with books on all possible themes and in many different languages. This is partly a result of me being a "frustrated chump": since I couldn't understand my lack of competence with girls, I started reading all I could since I was 15. By 17, I could already speak English, French and German, having learnt all languages completely alone.
Nevertheless, knowing Plato, evolutionary psychology or being able to recite Virgil in the original Latin by age 16 never helped me with women. Yet I tried to find an answer in every possible way. I sunk into mystic literature, like Gnosticism. For a while, I considered becoming a real Buddhist monk and giving up all sexual drive at once. When I was 18 I survived a rather sombre period when all that repressed sexuality was starting to convert into dangerous ideas and fantasies. I started adoring Tyler Durden of the Fight Club, and Travis, of the Taxi Drive, was my hero. I became nihilistic, homicidal, and sucicidal. An emotionally frustrated man is a real danger to society.
I started going to my city’s brothel, where I lost my virginity at age 18. I became a veteran client there. If I hadn’t experienced sex back then, I’d probably be dead now. Of course all that sex, yet necessary to calm down my fire, wasn’t enough to deal with the emotional side.
Luckily, in the middle of that, I knew my first (and only) “girlfriend”. I hopelessly fell in love with her. But soon after, she, with all “shit testing” I would only later be aware of, discovered I was a totally insecure, immature and jealous guy. I couldn’t help it, since she was the first, in such a long time. She ended up with me 3 months later and I suffered terribly. Two years went by and nothing happened ever since. I’m really an AFC.
Yet, a week ago, a dear friend of mine mentioned this PUA community, and the day after I was alredy reading Neil Strauss on my computer (sorry for the copyright violation, but there was no other way I could put my hands on that in my country. And I have no credit card, either.). The other day, I was absorbing Juggler (I’m still reading), and that really called my attention, over the other instructors, because it felt more humane. It wasn’t about doing tricks to impress women, but to engage them in real relationships. Moreover, he, more than anyone else before, could point out and make me aware of what exactly my mistakes were, and give the most effective advice.
There were many, but the most important was this one: I’ve always had problems when it turned to make it sexual. I’ve never known how to “phase-shift”. And when I finally “did it”, it was either too early or too late, I never used good timing. I ended up scaring the girls. The obvious result was that I was always the male, “assexual”, good friend.
Ok, I’ll stop it now. Looking at this now really sounds like an average frustrated noob report with nothing special in it. But it made me feel a lot better in writing. I’m really thankfull if you read it and fell free if want to share your experiences.
My MSN: aloismartins@hotmail
Add me there so we can become friends.
d. a. martins >> red pill
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CHAT