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Dear Starbuck,
1) I would love to get an email too. I'm star-buck-struck.
2) This one is for my parents. They've been together for decades, and recently I've noticed that they have been getting on each other's nerves more (could just be holiday stress but who knows). They also talk a lot less. It seems they can anticipate what the other party is going to say before they say it, but not in a good way. I know that in marriage sometimes couples take each other for granted, but I want to know if you have any solutions to this problem. How do you deal with this type of thing with your wife?
Thanks for the kind words Roads. Will do.
In response to your question.. Listen, all couples have issues to deal with from time to time. It goes with the territory, and is especially prevalent in the winter months when it's cold and people naturally spend more time indoors, etc..
It's how they choose to deal with it that's key.
We all know that by some measure 'familiarity breeds some degree of contempt' for most people. And we all know it's very difficult not to take someone for granted, especially one that you spend most of your time with, especially after a number of years. And of course we also realize that none of us are perfect (no not even me
). And that we all have unique habits and mannerisms that we've acquired over the years that have the potential for bothering others (these diminish over time).
Therefore, accepting these differences and these truths within ourselves is a key to dealing with them. And of course forgiving the other party for their perceived transgressions against us.
My wife and I are always getting after each other, in a cocky/funny sort of way. If you observed it, you would probably think from time to time we don't like each other. But the reality is a little more complicated than that (and comes from years of successfully dealing with it, and a prior failed marriage apiece). We are simply 'venting' our frustrations', etc... So they don't build up inside, or manifest themselves in other potentially more destructive ways.
Now there's a difference between doing this, keeping it all in perspective, getting over it and forgetting about it, and making a conscious decision that you cannot live with the other persons behavior. Of course this is a much more serious problem and requires examination and discussion and even a change of behavior to resolve. Both parties need to be able to do this in a healthy relationship. Think of it as nothing more than the ability to negotiate and compromise.
The thing that often separates successful couples and those who are not, is the ability to do this and be willing to abide with the compromise itself. Along with having a firm understanding of what constitutes proper and considerate behavior itself. Some people just don't have these internal pillars (maybe they had a poor example as a child of what a healthy relationship looked like), or are simply unwilling or unable to do so. Or it becomes a threat to their own perceived personal happiness itself (I call this the blame game). Where one person chooses to blame the other for what's not right in their life, or the opportunities they think they are missing out on by being committed to this other person. You see this in a lot of younger couples. Who often get married for all the wrong reasons, and aren't mature enough or ready for the challenges of the relationship game.
These are the couples that often separate under such circumstances.
In the case of older couples they may even rationalize that since the kids are gone, the whole reason for the relationship no longer exists. And they do not wish their choices in the final stages of life be hindered by another person. Especially if they consider the other person unreasonable or just unlikeable in some way. You know, people change over time. More when they are young, less as they get older.
I hope this helps. Like social dynamics, relationship dynamics is a complicated topic. But it all really boils down to this...
Do both parties value the long term relationship, and wish to remain in it? And are they willing to adapt their inner and outer game within the relationship to that end? And if not? There's really very little that can be done to salvage it.
I suspect your parents are a lot like mine. You're only seeing the surface of their relationship. The part they allow you to see. Some times it seems they just don't like each other. And occasionally they don't. Par for the course my friend.
I wish them and you good luck in this regard.
CHAT
