Hey Guys,

I've been a regular reader of this forum for quite a while now, and i've often seen some really good and interesting advise doled out, so i thought i'd give it a go.

I've been meeting up with this girl now for just over 6 months, roughly once or twice a week. When we first started meeting up I thought she was a cool girl but wasn't really that interested in her. Because of that things went really slow, mainly because I was seeing other girls at the same time.

Unfortunately, over a few months I began to develop feelings for her. This was a big problem, as from the outset we more or less agreed this was just a casual thing. Over time this started to really bother me, as I felt I was having feelings for someone that just wanted something casual. Eventually, after a night out drinking, we ended up having an argument. Basically i told her I had developed feelings for her, and that I don't think we should keep meeting up. She then told me she has had feelings for me too, and we both agreed that we would keep meeting up to see where things go.

That was a couple of months ago. Things have been fine, but at times got a little stressed.
Over the last couple of weeks we tried to meet up she's had to rearrange or cancel. The first couple of times I said it was no problem, but the last time I got pissed off and we ended up having a bit of an argument over it. We met up not long after this and everything seemed ok.

But then last night we met up she dropped the bombshell that she doesn't think we should keep meeting up. Basically at the minute she's just starting up a new business and is extremely stressed and busy. She said that she doesn't want to be making plans with me in the future and then having to cancel or rearrange. She also thought that if we kept things going but couldn't see each other as often, it would just be dragged out and eventually end anyway. She's afraid of being hurt, so ending things now makes a clean break before that happens.

I told her that the reason I got so angry with her rescheduling on me last time is that I thought she was losing interest in what we were doing, and in that case I would rather her come out and tell me than just mess me around like that. She insisted that it was because she was just too busy, and that she still cares for me. But that if we continued and there came times in the future where things got difficult, she wouldn't want me thinking the reason for it was that she was losing feelings for me.

I told her that if the reason she wanted to end things was because the 'spark' was gone between us, that we had lost feelings for each other or any other reason like that then I would agree we should end things totally. But that if we both truly still have feelings for each other and care about each other, then I don't think we should end it over fears that things might get too hard down the road. I told her we could take a break, or not meet as often and see how things go.
She was crying and said she didn't know what to do. She said I've given her new things to think about and she wants to take a day or two to think it over.

I'm almost certain this is over, and I know it's for a whole host of reasons that I fucked up on (Oneitus, betaization, neediness and so on).
But when she's telling me over and over again that she still cares and has feelings for me, and I have feelings for her, I just keep thinking there's still something there worth trying for.

She'll want to meet in the next day or so to tell me what resolution she's come to. I feel at the very least, I should message her and say that we shouldn't meet for a couple weeks and see how we feel then.

Sorry for the long post.

Still having feelings for someone is not a reason to keep kicking a dead horse.

Learn from this and move on.

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The OP was insecure and suffocating. He even realized it himself. That pushed her away.
Ego bandaids like "She ain't worth your time anyway" doesn't help anyone improve.

But it is true that he should focus said time elsewhere.

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My in depth texting & dating guide.
There's no such thing as shit-tests.
How to keep a girl.

You can't keep beating on the same wall, hoping it will turn into a door.

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I just can't help feel as though current circumstances played a big part in this. That the stress and weight of everything got to her, and this is just a result of it. The other problem was that I consistently showed that I doubted she liked me in return.

Would pulling back or suggesting a 'break' help at all?

One thing that has stuck with me;
As I said, I told her it would've been easier if she had just said she didn't have feelings for me anymore; it would've hurt but I would have accepted it and moved on. But she said she just wants to be honest about the fact that she still cares about me because, in her words, “If I had told you that and we tried to pick things up a couple of months from now, you wouldn't believe me”.

She also talked about worrying that she's making the wrong decision and that she'll later regret it.
This uncertainty is really getting at me. Would you guys see any merit in me messaging her and telling her not to meet for a week or two? If she feels long periods of not meeting up would just be too much of a strain on things, wouldn't this serve at least as a kind of test run?

Quit being so wishy washy. Make a decision and stand by it.

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You see her once or twice a week.

She has to reschedule plans

She is busy

What are you fighting for? A "relationship" where you see her 0.5 times a week and she has to cancel on you?

Why is it for many guys here it seems that once a chick is "interested", thats all that matters? She could fuck you once a month, she could see you every other week and just generally not be dependable. But as long as she's interested, you'll take whatever she gives.

The sad part about this is she is trying to give you a logical reason for not being together and you're responding emotionally. To me, this says a lot about what's really going on. She is not into it anymore and she was looking for a way out without hurting your feelings. Since that didn't work, she's going to try to figure out something else.

OP, just let her go. She doesn't want to do it anymore and you're making her feel guilty because you're being emotional. If you keep persisting, she's going to pick a fight so she can blame it on an argument.

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That's when you respond with "I realize this isn't working out for either of us. I wish you well." and walk away.

Which requires a lot more self discipline but you'd have retained a lot of self-respect and it'd mitigate your recovery time instead of wallowing in self pity and thinking of ways to get her back into a relationship she's not so keen on.

Isn't part of the benefit of having a healthy partnership to have your partner there as a source of comfort and support IN TIMES of stress???? Wouldn't you prefer someone like that? Just sayin'

You guys must read this amazing guide about Open Relationship Rules & Women’s Unrealistic Expectations

So basically you're sitting on your hands and waiting on her to tell you whether or not she's going to break up with you or continue being with you? Thats more of the behavior that you're trying to get away from.

You're clinging too hard onto words.. When actions speak louder than words. Forget what she's saying with her mouth, what is her actions saying to you? I know you're invested into this relationship and so its hard to just walk away, but what exactly can a girl with less time, energy, and availability for you offer that a girl with more can not? Is this the best you can do? Do you truly believe that she is the one and only for you? Unless the answers to that are a clear definitive YES, I don't understand the point of all of this.

What is it that YOU need out of a relationship? DO you know? DO you know how much investment and attention you need from a woman to maintain and be content? Does it even matter to you? Or are you just taking whatever you can get and then arguing when you want a little more?

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Calling out an attractive woman for flaking before she says "I love you" is an attraction killer. You don't have her, and so you can't get away with needy and insecure behavior like this.

Translation: "You aren't emotionally centered, so I'm bailing".

Why in the hell would you say this? You made it worse. Women want a fun, chill, emotionally centered guy, not an insecure debbie downer who harps on a minor thing from weeks ago.

My advice:

Do nothing. Wait for her to contact you. If she does, take her out on a FUN date. Stop all this meta conversation bullshit. It's too negative, too insecure and no attractive woman will deal with this kind of behavior.

All you have to do is be the fun, chill guy. Don't talk about relationships until you're committed.

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I just wanted to say thank you to you guys for all your comments and insights. Suffice it to say, most of it has been pretty much spot on. The more I look back over things the more I realize just how insecure I became.

Initially we agreed to have a fun and easy going arrangement, but unfortunately the more time we spent together and the more we opened up to each other, the more I got stuck and committed into the whole thing. And the cruel irony of course is that the more I became invested in things, the more insecure I got about losing it all.

That last time we spoke she said had made up her mind. But after I said my bits and pieces, she said I gave her some new perspectives/things to think about and that she needed a day or two to think things over. Right before I left she'd say she'd be in touch, asking; "you don't think I'd just leave you hanging, do you?" Well she hasn't been in touch since then (coming up to a week), so now it's as much the fact she didn't follow through with this as anything else that's bothering me. Part of me can't help wondering if she's still mulling things over, or that she's treating this as some sort of test run to see if I was genuine about us being able to handle not seeing as much of each as before. I know you guys would advise against any contact and to just leave it there, but the lack of closure is really getting to me.

Anyway, last night I went out with a new girl and F closed. It was a great distraction for a few hours, but then I felt pretty shitty afterwards. I guess this is just gonna take some time to get over.

Thanks again for all the input guys.

Anytime someone, particularly a woman you're partners with, offers you something less than you're willing to settle for, walk away.

When women talk about 'clean breaks', 'need time (away)', backing up and being 'friends again for a bit' those are all clear indications its not working and not worth investing your heart into any longer.


Closure is a myth. It's nothing more than a way to hold on, don't kid yourself into thinking its anything but.

Closure you GIVE to yourself with acceptance and letting go. This isn't a novel that needs an ending tied up in a nice pretty bow - do you really think having a meet with her on a park bench and her re affirming she's done and the two of you doing a relationship post mortem, hug and go your own ways is really going to help?!